03.17.24
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Growing up awkward!

Growing up awkward

I think it’s a given. At some point in the formative years, all children, kids, sub teens, teens go through an awkward stage. And this phase may stay with us throughout adulthood. Often this stage manifests in aggressive and cruel behavior, wallflower and shy behavior, arrogant and I’m-better-than-you vibes or as insecure and fearful! then we grow up and either work through our learned tendencies or grow into more exaggerated versions of that child….living through the emotions, fears and behaviors for a lifetime.

As an only child of older parents who required a trailer to carry their baggage from the 1920’s and 30’s, I was lucky enough to receive lip service of being totally loved, with a large dosage of marital dysfunction delivered with fearful and strong discipline…mostly mental but some physical. What I learned was to be a chameleon! Stop, look and listen to how I was expected to live my life in each setting I found myself.

As I work through self discovery of what makes the inner child tick or tock I found this quote by Tosha Silver and it was breathtakingly accurate for me.

“Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around someone. And also how you feel when you leave them. Pay attention. Don’t question your response. If you feel bad, simply move away”

Until next time….

03.16.24
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Sometimes the perfect solution is elusive….

When I was young, Sunday nights meant my mom would drill me on spelling words. Very often I would go to bed very upset because I would screw up. The matriarchal tutor would tell me to sleep on it and she bet I would remember how to spell them in the morning. She was right!

Her theory was that during quiet sleep my mind would do the deep work. I still hold to this theory as an adult recognizing that if I have enough discipline to JUST STOP THINKING about something, it usually doesn’t take too long for an ah ha moment. But the true fact is that it may take a minute, hour, day or decade for the truth to surface. The often seemingly impossible step is the one where I JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!

Not easy for a lifetime over thinker. This truth came to a head recently when “He” said to me, ok, I’ll give you a little time to Overthink this. It raised my hackles but I realized those words only pissed me off because they were on target and he recognizes this tendency in me.

It’s hard to release the need to know but if we realize the behavior is nothing more than mind paralysis, the answer will gently presents itself in a knowing that seems like an obvious answer that you’ve indeed really always known.

Until next time….

03.12.24
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Included with the Upgrade…..

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I’m learning to block the INCOMING shots fired from the field by surrounding my heart with invisible window screening and turning down the interior spotlights so the target is not as easily visible from the outside. That’s how I’m learning to say the word NO, and selectively choosing my path in the cacophony of people-pleasing noise that has been the lifetime fuel for my engine.

I share this Facebook meme today because it hit solidly its target and interpreted as yes….it’s working…I can identify with it…instead of interpreting – ya…why do I feel the need to explain myself…why can’t I just say no, how do I stop the guilt of “should” when I do say no?

This particular meme that traveled its way to me through the Facebook algorithm was very timely and taken personally into my heart with a gratitude confirmation that I have choices…yes, no, maybe or more importantly, I do not owe anyone an excuse or apology for my decisions.

And so it is……

03.10.24
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On this Day after another birthday,

I’m struggling with just doing what I want to do today. I don’t even really know what I want to do today.

I have finally arrived at a place in my life that I don’t have anything I am required to do. I am no longer responsible for keeping my daughters alive on a daily basis, being smothered by the husband’s expectations (which are actually my expectations of what I assume are his expectations), or the rules and beliefs of anyone else outside of myself. I’ve finally realized, mentally, that I really have no control over anything other than my own thoughts in this moment….which, actually is costly rent for the enormous amount of space taken up in my mind’s rental unit.

I’ve been trying to read a book all morning (Verity by Colleen Hoover). But I’ve used the bookmark several times on my kindle in order to: put a load of whites in, take my 15 minute walk around the pond, water the plants, think about why the water continues to drip when the back knob is in the on position on the bidet. Meanwhile every time I would get up for coffee or water, I would see the lap top laying on the other side of the room, knowing I needed to work on cleaning out some very early posts in Ninasusan, jot down some thoughts that are coming to me while reading Verity and endeavor to organize my thoughts about decisions I need to make in May.

At this point, I’m very disappointed in myself that I don’t have more discipline. I “think” what I ‘really think’ is I have expended way more energy on my thoughts of the future and not a single second just ‘being’ while listening to the tinnitus in my ears. Until I realized this fact, I wasn’t even aware my ears were constantly ringing.

And so it is.

02.20.24
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It’s not even 1:30

I was left alone overnight and today. He left me the truck and said “you’ll be fine, it’s kinda fun to drive” which sounded rather manipulative but he was loving and probably didn’t realize he was talking to the intelligent part of my brain. This morning started out fine. I took a walk on this beautiful darn-near spring day.

I used the pruners to take out some things that need to be pruned and tried to clean the edges up as much as possible.

I went to the grocery store.

which bordered on fun driving the truck because all I had to do was drop the groceries in the bed for my block and a half drive home. NOTE: he told me if he moved the garbage cans out of the way, the truck would fit in the garage. To this, I say LIKE HELL! Trying to see over the dash, I thought I was way too close to the fridge….whew but there was room…but as I unloaded the groceries I realized the back end was still hanging over the driveway.

As I carried the grocery’s in the house, I realized I should have been more cognizant of where the cat food was when I left the round automatic sweeper going. I have no idea how the cat food container on the table ended up knocked over but the cat is behind the curtain in our bedroom so there may be a story?

I would guess the neighbors are now wondering what could be going on because I couldNOT park the truck straight….well Almost but the front tires are turned instead of parked exactly 1/4 inch from the grass with the entire truck hugging the driveway.

When I finally sat down with the IPAD and my first diet Dr Pepper of the day, I found this picture my daughter sent this morning.

……..and who could want more than this for the man I’ve known for 50 years and our grand!

……until next time

01.05.24
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Can anyone name the song playing in my head?

This morning, I told the little white haired lady at the checkout counter that I was always happy to see her face when I pulled into her lane. Her eyes lit up with just enough of a smile on her lips that I knew her heart opened up. After I payed, I looked the obviously stoned sacker in the eye and smiled when he said “Have a good day, Ma’am”. When I responded, I hardly got a headshake but I figured he had enough fears, concerns or pot on board that I got all that he could give me. I was able to shake off the only negative experience I had at the “store” when I walked beside a woman probably 10 years my senior in the aisle and she looked at me and said, why do groceries keep going up in price, pretty soon no one will be able to afford them. My immediate thought was at least you can choose what to buy…our property taxes keep going up and I can’t do anything about it. Then I paused realizing that theoretically I was thinking the very same thing she was saying. 

While in the check out line my granddaughter attempted a FaceTime…I cancelled and texted her mom to say I was at the store. On my way to the car, I wondered how “the store” always refers to the ‘grocery’ store…at least among my family and peers. No one ever says to me oh, which store? Target, Walmart, Best Buy. No…”the store” means the grocery store. 

As I drove the 45 seconds from “the store” to my garage, I forgot the other two very important revelations that popped in and out quickly. Regina and Linda are coming tonight for our WordShine prep meeting and we decided on my house rather than our usual Panera because HE said he would make bread. But I did find Panera cheddar and broccoli soup at “the store” which was a win/win.

I can’t get a childhood song out of my head….the “something” goes in and “something” goes out…maybe around the corner and out of the house….anyone?

Until next time…..

11.13.23
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Happy 107th dad

As I posted a Facebook post this morning to recognize my dad’s 107th birthday, I had a strange understanding work through me from head to toe like a menopausal hot flash.  I realized that I was grateful that he did not live one more second past the hour he chose to take his last breath.  With his last exhale, he was at peace, with his last breath, he had completed the life cycle he had shown up for.

He showed up in so many different ways that I would not understand in the moments of my life.

My dad was just my dad until he became the Grandpa of my two daughters.  I witnessed the reverence, the love, the quiet adoration as he held and comforted them.  I realize now that the man born in the 19teens of the 20th century survived many hardships and fears and tears in his life.  He was an artist, a serious dad and family provider.  He did not appreciate crowds or often gatherings with extended family…He had a streak of depression that shadowed him throughout his life.  I wonder now if it was really depression or fear of the unknown that haunted him.  He didn’t respect the medical community and always believed mind over matter would heal his body…and he held onto that until he was 84 and passed while laying in a hospital bed after a heart attack no doubt very afraid of the next medical procedure someone was going to perform with his family’s permission to keep him alive another day or week.

He was ready to go.  This was never a question in his mind.  I knew it. I loved him, I respected him, I cherished him enough to be willing to allow him to make the choice.  And he did.

So many things I would like to ask you Dad, so many conversations I would like to have with you, but the one thing I know for sure is that in the end you made the decision and I’m at peace with that decision.

So Happy 107th, Dad…wherever you are.

05.24.23
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Like a nice breeze on a spring day..

I’ve been practicing “understanding” and “releasing what doesn’t serve me” for the last 5 years. (This, after 60 years of trying to rationalize my unhappiness, frustration and anger). I, now, recognize that my mind usually grasps for must-know what will happen in the next moment so that I’m safe. Relying on the illusions in past experiences to determine the worthiness of other humans…the judgments, love/hate/right/wrong about people/things while living from my head rather than my heart. I still struggle quieting preconceived notions about how I’m supposed to live and love…right and wrong…acceptable and unacceptable.

What I know in this moment is that I THINK TOO MUCH. I “think” because I “fear”. My expectations, my never ending scenario building, my panic when faced with the unknown seldom comes to fruition….

I have been mentally exhausting myself staying busy…doing, doing, doing…after awhile it turns into resentment, resentment, resentment. But don’t we need to keep “doing” in order to be productive happy humans…or at least to make others happy humans? NO!

I first had a whisper of what was going on a few months ago when I said out loud, I am so sick and tired of living by the calendar. Why do I continue to over commit myself doing things I might enjoy doing if I had time to enjoy them…but instead believing I must stay busy to be valued.

It hit me yesterday as I took my walk amongst the trees, watering the flowers and the garden, sitting on the deck reading with a cool beeeze while the sun warmed my skin. I realized I was doing something…exactly what I wanted to do. My heart was happy, my brain was silent and I understood the beauty of the heart vs the brain. Doing nothing is doing something…attending to myself from my heart instead of my mind/ego feels courageously gentle.

until next time….

05.15.23
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Just in……Bombshell

It came to me from behind the curtain…my view from behind the veil…and then the curtains slid back and all was revealed….starkly…in black and white…the understanding.

The Daily News of the world presented for our consumption brought to you by the “human reporters” predicting the future and enhancing the past in order to inject fear into our lives. What causes us fear is the stories we already tell ourselves about our perception of the next second, minute, day, lifetime. It works because we are programmed to react…..to fear and the great unknown!

If we examine our lives, we tend to live in the future…when they say this, I will say that…. What if this happens…..I heard they are going to do this ….what if we lose our house….what if that car behind me doesn’t stop…what if (name that soul) gets sick and dies….remember what happened last time.

This human scenario is what happens each time we glob onto what we hear or read from the “pick your opinion media” or “did you hear…” Constant expansion and retraction based on the future as explained by a human with an opinion vs facts. Because FACTS have not happened yet….and quite frankly facts are interpreted quite differently depending on how we filter these facts through our personal human event center…

Each moment our personal thoughts bleed all over our reality….and reality honestly only happens in each individual present moments of our lives. No one has all the pieces to predict what will happen in the next moment nor how each individual soul will perceive what just happened. Politics, war, pandemic, what medication will kill you, the next mass shooting, whether the United States will fall because of the debt ceiling drama. Stop the heartache of what might happen especially when it is being delivered to you from someone who really has no idea; but just reporting on the odds rather than the fact. The bottom line with the news media is it all comes down to who can instill the most fear gets paid the most money.

Until next time….

12.05.22
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Daunting

The word carries energy and sets up an expectation in the subconscious.

When I see a task as daunting, I’m already placing a label on it…I’ve given the narrative a title.

I believe this could be said of all words assigned to a thought or a task…no matter how small or large the “unknown” is or how close or how far down the road the journey. The act of “naming” is a great way to stir up the small, repetitive mind, reaching out to Samskara’s (Michael Singer, Living Untethered) and beginning that first ripple of distraction. Being alert that this map has been followed before allows us to make a change in our expectation before the breath changes and we recognize the oxygen of our soul thinning to breathlessness of fear and/or dread. It’s never too late to stop and recognize this is only a moment..and the road to possibilities is long and lush.