I love the groundhog!

Even though he is capricious.  His daily blog over on blogspot.com could be there or it might not be there or it may be many months in arrears or it may be a daily blog…  He’s a teenage friend of mine…he’s not teenage now by any means..he used to have the most beautiful straight red hair that was always coiffed…..he is still particular about his hair.  We agree on a few things..sometimes I know he argues with me just for the sake of arguing..and I’m not as argumentative as I used to be so sometimes I let him get by with absolutely horrible opinions.  He is very smart..too smart for even my richest brain cells…but I think he loves me anyway.  He used the word glossalalia while responding to yesterday’s blog entry…WHAT…I had to look it up and then I realized it was a groundhog word.  Our politics are close but far, he doesn’t have the same appreciation for Bill Clinton that I do and I think he is way too serious…I’ve often wondered if he is a conspiracy theorist…perhaps a topic of discussion for the near future.

After a 40 year friendship, I’m pretty sure I’ve only gotten to the second layer of this very complicated man.  He’s going to hate being the topic of discussion in my blog today.  But he is on my mind today so he is the topic.

He and my friend Rod…aka Wod…who I dreamed last night was having an argument with Mandy – my hairdresser about how to highlight my hair and actually started giving me a short cut when she turned her back..he was holding the scissors right and everything.  He hates coloring long hair…He’s another complicated man with a tude…hmmmm…is it me?

Until next time….

The Pope and Susan Sarandon….

Okay…the latest media blitz…Susan Sarandon irritating the Pope supporters.  This falls under ‘I may not agree with what you say but I defend your right to say it’.  I am not a catholic religion supporter and think the Pope’s leadership among catholic believers is idolatry.  There is no way I”m going to say anything bad about the Jewish people…I may not agree with their beliefs but they have no more explaining or defending to do in my humble opinion….and this really is not intended to be about catholics…this is freedom of speech, pure and simple.

I haven’t watched Dead Man Walking – so I had to wiki the movie and read several other news clips about the travesty of Susan Sarandon referring to the current Pope as a Nazi..actually what she said was The last One…not this Nazi one we have now.  Yes..if I were a catholic, this would probably piss me off, just like anti Bill Clinton comments piss me off…or speaking in vane about anything that I hold dear would irritate me..but do you have a right to think it and say it – absolutely…should you be tactful and respectful – probably….do the Catholics have a right to be red in the face about the comment – yup…do they have a right to speak out about it – yes they do…does Susan Sarandon need to apologize  – no…not unless she feels in her heart that she is sorry for what she said or how she said it…not because someone or a group doesn’t like what she says.  I, personally, hope she hangs tough for the principle of free speech…

Until next time….

First on my heart today is Brett’s birthday…he would have been 43.  When the kids were in band, we were always getting ready for a band competition or having a competition on his birthday.  He always acted like he didn’t like the attention…but for most people…celebrating with him was a way to give back some love.

So….I woke up today worried about where to put the Christmas tree. CrAzY!!!! I’ve moved some things around in the living room and my Christmas Tree spot is gone…apparently I gave this a lot of “unconscious mind” thinking.. judging how I woke up with the shock of it all.  I have a month to figure it out…”he” always loves to hear the words…I’ve got an idea…bwa hahahaha.

He and I got new cell phones yesterday… I’m very happy…the piece of crap androids we got last March had us both in little hissy fits of rage.  Freezing up – slow – forever to turn on – had to stop apps to save battery..I was really worried he was going to hurl his across the room…that is why I purchased insurance for his..okay..not the only reason…there was that fishing incident where he put the phone in the pocket of his waders…and you can probably figure it out from there.  I always roll my eyes with the story..but I agree with him..waders are waterproof…why would you not think the pocket was…

My last day off – this is my last day off from my latest cycle of  not working a 6 day week since the first of September.  Back to the grind tomorrow – working full weeks…no scheduled extra time off until Christmas…how depressing and now I’ve got the Christmas tree to worry about….

Until next time….

I constantly wonder about..


I think dreams help us work things out in our subconscious that we can’t work out in our conscious. Not that long ago, I tore a dream apart with my therapist..it was a one of those repeat dreams that are almost a nightmare. Can’t find my high school locker, can’t open it, can’t find my class, can’t remember my class schedule, can’t find the office. Just exhausting! Once we took an hour to tear it apart, I made a lot of connections to the same emotions I feel in my awake life. Amazing.

I’ve been up for an hour and last night’s dream won’t give me rest…I keep thinking about it. My dad and mother, Uncle Bob and Aunt Denise and Aunt Ruby were there in my kitchen…My dad and Uncle Bob were over by the sink and Aunt Ruby remarked just look at them…I knew they would work it out. That’s all I remember. Significant? My dad and his family had a falling out when my Grandma Green passed. It affected me by removing my aunt and uncle from my dad’s side along with all of the cousins. Blessedly, one cousin reached out to me after Helen passed…that relationship has become one of the most important of my life.

Back to the dream…I’m trying to figure out…am I making peace with everything so I don’t have to feel lost anymore…sort of a forgiving or forgiven dream? peace of mind? I don’t believe that Dad and Uncle Bob are up there floating around on the same cloud that looks like a tractor. I think dreams mean something..or maybe it has nothing to do with my family and more to do with my daughter’s new family? My older daughter’s separation from her in-law family…

Maybe it is a contentment dream – nothing else…just peace falling upon my shoulders?

Until next time….

Procrastination and Anxiety

I am not a procrastinator for the most part…but, of late, I find myself totally overwhelmed with things I need to do..things I have logged in my mind…and I have no idea why I can’t get it together and get them done.  When Katy was getting down to the wire planning the wedding, she called with the typical OMG anxiety…with a lot on her mind.  I told her simply to make notes.  Now I”m not normally a note maker because somehow it feels less competent than remembering everything..but that was my advice to her.  and yes…I know my lack of note taking and the reason behind it just sounds ignorant!!

I get to that place when I have completed a project and think..Okay..now what..then the thousand things start their parade thru my mind and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated.

Today I made the doc appointment, the mammo appointment and the post office passport app appointment.  I feel better…sort of..but what am I forgetting?

Until next time…

The Gloeckner Family

The wedding is memories and reminiscing and loving the pictures!! The actual ceremony tugged at my heart which was actually a surprise to me. I have been so excited about my new “official” son-in-law and my daughter tying up the final strands of her relationship with him. I was quite taken by surprise when I choked up while being seated at the wedding…hard-to-control-not-sobbing as “he” walked her down the aisle – tears of absolute joy!!

The Gloeckner family has their eccentrics, their black sheep, their little disagreements but they are family – first and foremost. They took us in – made us feel like we are another branch of the tree. It feels good. The interwoven thread seems to be Family is what holds everything together…No matter where they may choose to put down roots, the family always has each other’s backs and genuinely cares what happens to each other. There is nothing that keeps them from supporting each other when it rains or celebrating when the sun is brightly shining. I love that they are teaching this next new generation the value of family, the respectful titles of Aunt and Uncle, the labels are labels but they also tie the quilt of the family together.

It still brings tears to my eyes the goodbyes we said… we, the Browns and Gloeckners, already love the person that our family member has chosen…and when we aren’t there to cradle them – the other branches of the tree will be. It feels good. I believe it is the way it should be..I’m very thankful Katy is a part of it.

Until next time….

Down to the wire

Today is my prep day for the mother of the bride roll. I need to wash whites, lay everything I’m taking out on the bed, pack the suitcase, nag him about getting his stuff out so I can approve, iron and micro-manage. These situations always cause me to go into Helen mode. I know it, I try to be gentle – I don’t make lists very often so I have to keep it all in the noggin’ and that is very stressful…so I react to things not of my liking..rather than my normal personality trait of keeping it all inside until something really pisses me off, then blow. Have only really done that a few times in my life..but it ain’t pretty.

I spent the evening last night at the computer desk, adding songs to my ipod and doing the business side of life..paying bills, making sure everything is taken care of because I am going to be gone for 5 days. I slapped on the ear phones – not the ear buds which hurt my ears – and rocked out to some of my favorite songs. Don’t know why I don’t do that everyday…it puts me in a much better mode..plus I don’t have to listen to the dialog and music from the shows “he” is watching on TV…CrAzY!!

If my wonderful house sitter weren’t coming, I’d be tempted to break with tradition and leave it lived in. I always totally clean the house before we go anywhere…I learned it and I taught it…I used to joke it was in case I came home in a body bag, I didn’t want people coming here and thinking I was a slob…Learning to stop being a people pleaser and caring what everybody thinks is something I’m working on in therapy…

So…I’m off now to do some “stuff”…think I’ll clip on the IPOD shuffle and totally enjoy may day..Billy laying beside the computer on the computer desk also reminds me that I need to bathe at some point.

Until next time…..

Older is so much better…

I think I’m going to dump the It’s titles of my xanga posts..although I’m guessing that no one but me saw the pattern..it’s just another small victory in my “be gentle with yourself” aka Anti anal retentive campaign.

The tree outside the window next to my computer desk is starting to turn from golden to brown. I snapped a picture this morning so I could remember the fall beauty that surrounds me and the beautiful view I have while tending my morning computer addiction. But xanga won’t let me add the picture right now??

On with my older is so much better title. It’s too bad that peaceful doesn’t fall on us when we are young..I mean the true peace that comes with loss of the estrogen surge, the career drive knowing that retirement is right around the corner..the knowledge that the kids have spread their wings and the confidence that they are soaring. I love the manic calls home for a mama chat but I know that when the emotional surge ebbs they are going to be just fine. I feel comfortable in the security of my relationships..I’ve had time to sort out the drama from the reality. I’m trying to learn to just be still and know.

I came from disfunction. I’m still trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps and figure out what normal emotions normally occur between the ages of 10 and 50..It’s very painful to think, remember and fight my way thru the distaste of my life….I feel more peace today than I’ve ever felt. Everything is not perfect and there is angst all around me but I’m on the cusp of being capable of relaxing within myself.

Until next time….