Color

I’ve heard Time and time again how music can lift us out of the doldrums….and it’s true, slap headphones on or ear buds in and my mood will change. I think I intuitively know what genre I need at the moment for my soul.

Color is my other thing. In my home, I’ve tried the soft, neutral palette and I’m just not satisfied. Earlier in the week when I placed the poured paint picture I did for the kitchen, I felt homey and comfortable in my aqua kitchen,

I “consciously” know that growing up in the 60s and 70s we had aqua appliances …….. refrigerator, stove top, oven and sink….when harvest gold and brown were in style. I think subconsciously, when we moved into this house, painting the kitchen aqua had a comfort effect on me.

…..and my newest craft hobby…paint pouring…fills my color need. So many beautiful colors coming together and causes my brain to pop with joy. This week’s favorite:

I think my trial and error period with small canvas is finished…bring on the 11 x 14!

Until next time….

Just a hair shy of 10 inches

The last time I recall rain irritating me this much was a year ago April….Suzy was down for her birthday and we had to sit in the house all weekend because IT WOULDN’T STOP RAINING. We finally drove over to the Kansas side to a Greek restaurant with a belly dancer and Moscow mules…..even though I seldom drink, I had a feeling the Moscow mules would help! That was the weekend before a spring trip to Bennett Spring which had received even more rain so we had to cancel because the campground was flooded and I was irritable!

I’m struggling with positive personal affirmations today as I sit at the table surrounded by gloomy skies that look like more rain…we are out of the drought because of the nearly 10 inches of rain that fell in a couple days. I think this calls for some positive affirmations…quietly sending them out into the universe….

  • We needed a good bath to wash the slimy, ugliness that has permeated the news.
  • Our grounds and streams and plants and trees will thrive with the moisture
  • I lift up those struggling with wet basements and houses and businesses under water
    When the clouds part, I know the sun will feel warmer, brighter and bigger; I know how this works….
  • While I’ve been writing this, it has started misting again. I realize I need to take some action and make an effort to control something I have the illusion I can control….like the cats!
  • Until next time…
  • Was it an earthquake? No just Rex!

    I have rules about the inner sanctum…also known as my craft room. 1) no cats 2)not a playroom AKA just another place to leave toys. as you can see by the picture above, Rex was waiting for an invite before he entered the room…uh, NO!

    When I opened the door this morning, I noticed paint bottles littering the floor and upon further investigation all of the little stuff on the shelf was now laying on the day bed including the quilt my daughter made for me….whaaaat? Seriously what happened?

    Every scenario went through my mind except that a cat had snuck through the ceiling into the closet and because there is no ceiling yet, he was able jump into the room….and then exit by jumping up on the shelf and through the hole above the wall to the next room.

    So…He initiated Plan B….ya. all of the holes are covered, most just reinforced with a second piece as we had already been down this road with the scaredy cat we were unable to adopt last month. That kitty only made it over to the drop ceiling over the bathroom to hide. Rex’s life seems to be one adventure after the other. cat vs us. I know who isn’t going to win!

    Until next time..

    Pour painting

    Dear Diary entry

    I do not remember the first You Tube video I watched that got me hooked. I’m a color person. That’s why my kitchen is aqua and one guest room and my craft room are purple. This hobby speaks to my souls through color right now. Here are some of my favorites…obviously just work table snapshots.

    Another view of depression and PTSD

    I’ve been watching, ahem, muting and fast forwarding TV political ads with skill and ease for the last few weeks…but even with my dedication to avoid the paid political BS, a guy named Jason Kander has slipped through a few times. He was running for Mayor of Kansas City and has a sweet little bio.

    I was shocked to find out, while watching the news last night, that he is withdrawing from his mayoral campaign because of depression and PTSD….before he goes another step further in life, he’s going to do some therapy and work through his demons. I was very surprised because judging from his public and on air personna he’s a walking, talking, laughing, smiling, articulate man who realized the world was his oyster kinda guy.

    NOPE! They are walking among us…and you can’t tell by looking, you can’t tell by listening….you can’t tell!

    Be kind…you have no idea what your friends, your family, the people you pass just doing the daily life stuff are really enduring and feeling.

    Until next time….

    Fear and Anxiety

    I’ve been wanting to do this blog for quite awhile. I don’t know what is stopping me because in the last 11 years this blog has been a witness to world class disfunction. I’ve spilled my guts over the years for two reasons. Quite frankly, I needed it for my own therapy….write it out, Dear Diary, and heal; and the second reason is I always hope that I will connect with someone who needs to know that they are not alone. I’ve heard you!

    Just for the record, I’ve been off anti depressants for 1 year and 8 months…but who is counting. I didn’t just go off anti depressants without a labor intensive backup plan! I’ve continued some in depth self healing….reading and meditating and doing positive affirmations, learning about spirituality and immersing myself in the love and acceptance at Unity Village….and I’ve also been doing some therapy with a licensed therapist who uses EMDR. Using the EMDR protocol, I’ve been able to quiet my mind and relieve my intense fear based anxiety. This treatment is used for PTSD and other flight/fight loops that occur in the brain when you don’t deal with your significant negative, fear based ‘stuff’ in a timely manner.

    This treatment was foreign to me when it was suggested…and after one especially painful session, I told my therapist that I have no idea how it works but it works. So there it is. tools that are working for me.

    Until next time….

    I think I going to fit in

    My name is Rex!

    I’m reasonably young …. probably around 18 months…I have long legs, short hair, beautiful eyes and while I have an annoying streak, the other critters living in this house seem to be courteous and willing to teach me the things I need to know. It’s like having 4 grandfathers. I think the humans that live here wish I would quit squeeking…but overall I seem to be moving about the house without issue…..

    When the apple just isn’t quite ripe…

    I am pretty confident that there is something in my subconscious I’m supposed to be grasping this week. During my morning silence sitting at the kitchen table with my IPad, my phone, my coffee cup and my cat I glance out the door when I see movement, i realize that basically I SEE the same picture each time but my unfocused thoughts seem to be thrown into a box…..like Jameson’s toy box.

    I notice the older couple with their white poodle every morning walking by on the walking trail and wonder if I would recognize if they stopped walking by. I think it would be more like…hmmmm…haven’t seen them walk by for awhile….wonder if they are okay…when was the last time I saw them…..

    Before retirement, I was busy all of the time. I realize now that I was living life on the surface and did not spend any amount of time listening to myself….going inside in peace and quiet to figure out what I REALLY thought about things. I probably let my intuition guide me but I wasn’t aware that it was my intuition….I just thought I had a rapid fire brain that would guide my thoughts while on the fly.

    It seems that now I’m listening to myself, I think things through, I seldom make decisions impulsively and I live a reasonably peaceful life until someone else stirs the air around me. That’s where this nagging subconscious air is stirring. What am I supposed to be hearing….I am unsettled….I’m doing and I’ve done a lot of personal searching to find this contentment but I feel I’m starting to realize I need to be doing something for humanity. I guess I will have to keep listening….it will float it and nudge me when it lands on my shoulder.

    Until next time…..

    Rex…..subject to change

    While in our vets office a couple weeks ago, I saw the picture of a cat on the bulletin board that needed a home. He was an 8 year old cat who had been turned into an Independence Vet Clinic because the young owner could not take him when she relocated.

    I had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work as soon as I met him but we brought him home for a week….it didn’t work…he was an “only” cat who controlled one owner and was scared out of his ever livin’ mind. And he tried to establish dominance with our A cat….my cat….and there is no way that was going to work. The Prince, Baxter:

    I bring all of this up now because He and I had been talking about getting a kitten before I made that fateful trip to the vets office and broke the rules about looking at the bulletin board.

    A week later, my across the street neighbor, (D)..critter rescuer…..asked if I had seen the stray cat hanging around her house *cough…food and water on the porch. A very young cat….not a kitten. So I was out at night after dark checking on him with my iPhone flashlight because I was worried about him because of the Fox/coyote situation.

    So….D and I…working with one brain decided he needed to be neutered so as not to spread his seed, so to speak, I didn’t want a bunch of stray kittens to worry about because I wouldn’t get any sleep at night.

    To make a long story short, D was able to corral the little darling this morning and I just dropped him off at the vet to be neutered and a rabies shot……and then He and i decided on the off chance *cough probability, that we keep him, we should have him wormed….oh…and I named him Rex.

    Pictures at a later date.

    Until next time…..

    Uncovered another “thing” while kayaking

    As life goes….as I’ve learned in therapy….as I’ve uncovered in myself as I embrace new thought, my life as far back as I can remember has been guided by fear!

    Over the years, I’ve done some brave and, what some might call, crazy or fearless things which I would say do not meld (for lack of better word) with the belief that I am guided by fear. I think in a subconscious way, I embrace these challenges in order to work through my fear but I’m positive this insight did not knowingly have a bearing on my decisions at the time.

    I do not swim very well, in fact I’ve never known if I knew how to swim well enough to save myself….and quite frankly I have a fear of the water….no doubt thanks to my mother who feared everything. Keeping that in mind, I have an incredible desire to be in a boat on the water…we’ve owned a pontoon and two sailboats and now kayaks.

    Last weekend for the first time, we took them to the River…the Niangua….for a a maiden 4 hour ….cue Gillians Island music….River voyage. Before I actually got completely on the River, I was personally completely in the river. Within the first hour we had to go around a sand bar where two guys were fishing and because of swirling water and Lack of experience, I got too close to the steep bank and turned it over again! Once I recovered and was helped back in by said fishermen, we were off again.

    It was fun, I learned technique, I relaxed, I felt the sun on my body, i experienced the beauty of nature a way I had never seen it before. But the one thing that sticks in my mind was when, as we were floating down the river, he yelled back and said…so did that experience scare you? NO. It did not scare me. I would like to figure out why it didn’t.

    Until next time….