The most dangerous illness of all

I think we learn fear…I really don’t think it’s just natural to be afraid of things, everything, hyper vigilant in our fear, smothering fear. I’m not a disciple of the past life-reincarnation theory. Actually I fall right in the center…some things I hear or experience have me on the right -maybe- side of it. Then I walk along one foot in front of the other thinking naw…don’t believe it…..and with that little tangent about my belief system…there are times that I wonder if my fears “could” be the result of past karma, past life experiences…noticing fur on the ground while looking for nuts and the next thing you know, the saber tooth tiger is chasing me toward my cave entrance.

I was born from, raised by and fought off the fear that seeped from my mother’s pores. As an example, when my first child was born, my mother was standing in my kitchen comforting the crying baby. When I walked into the room, she told me I should take the child to the doctor and have her tested for cyclic fibrosis because her skin tasted salty. My very first reaction was 0 to 60 rage…my mothers terror was always a recognizable shadow…always with her.

Which leads me right into taking your shoes off when you come in the house….inspired by a Facebook share bestowing the fear of what is on the bottom of the shoe…including a bacteria which can lead to nasty infections with symptoms raging from diarrhea to potentially fatal inflammation. OMG and here I was only worried about the China manufactured disease killing hundreds of thousands along with eating hamburger that has been in my fridge for three days….and number one on the list…the mental illness from which I suffer…the fear and disgust of other people’s bare feet…especially when those bare feet are visible to me in my house or close enough to me that I can recognize them as actual human unclothed feet.

It’s no wonder we are a society of fear, hate and discontent..we are afraid of everything. It is contagious and it is the most dangerous Illness of all!

Until next time…

Whatever happened to fearless Nina

For those of us who are open to and studying New Thought, I’m often taken back when I realize that what I “think” I draw to me. I have been experiencing fear pretty often in the last few years. I would explain this fear as being very content to stay at home…in my own little nest…do what I want to do which has a varying range from nothing to being “busy”. I used to love to travel and retirement meant taking off “whenever” and “wherever”. 6 years ago I looked forward to weekend trips perhaps taking a month and traveling across the US, a trip to England and beyond. I just haven’t been able to do it.

It is quite possible that a trip we took to Belize in 2015 began this segment of fear driven life. The Belize trip was not your typical island breeze all inclusive vacation. We chose to rent a car and see the back roads of Belize. During that trip, those backroads scared me to death. We had found the area which contained the block building named the hospital which was across the gravel parking lot of the block building named The Morgue. A couple days later I became very ill but could not see myself seeking medical treatment here. My only viable option was a 45 minute trip up the “road” into Mexico. This was not an option I was going to take. From airport to ER when we touched down in Kansas City uncovered the shocking news that I had an intestinal abscess and by the way we also found a tumor which we believe to be cancer.

Unintentionally, I believe it is this news that changed me…..I just no longer trusted that I was safe. Recently, during story telling among friends, I recognized that the ongoing theme that surfaced was I had been reasonable free and fearless in my adventures. I’ve been building on this recognition recently by stopping myself when I think…no…that’s ok, I don’t want to do that and changing that thought to ……what happened to fearless Nina?

We live so often in our heads with stories of our pasts that ignite our fears rather than living for right now and celebrating life experiences. We only have right now…someday we will watch the finale of our life and I want to feel the gratitude of living a full and fearless life.

Until next time…..

It’s taken me nearly 2 years to figure it out

The difference in the thought process and the decisions I make in my life are based solely on which brain I’m using. Oh….and I certainly don’t speak from a tone of arrogance here…I don’t share this because I always listen to the right brain…but I’m speaking from hours and hours of study….I eventually figure it out and know the difference in which brain I’m thinking WITH. Kind of comes down to my “knowing” brain just knows that I ended that last sentence with a preposition. As soon as I typed it, I knew it was going to be the last word in the sentence and I knew that grammatically there was “someone” out there who learned the old school rigid rules about prepositions and would think…she just ended that sentence in a preposition “tsk”.

….and then she/he might really examine my other sentences like…OMG she just started that sentence with and…then…same person might go back to a time in school when they learned about past participles or prepositions or to spelling tests and perhaps compare themselves to a sibling who could do difficult math in their head or remember when they used to get in trouble for day dreaming and by the time that whole thought process was over, this person felt like a total failure….all over a preposition trigger. This person who first noticed the idiot woman’s blog that ends her sentences in a preposition just triggered a lengthy egoic or “personal” mind process that left them feeling inferior or insecure and in all probability introduced a mindset of being snippy with someone..sent them to the kitchen to eat their insecurity away or had them ordering something on Amazon to make themselves feel better.

This is just one of the minds we think with. The mind of fear. After many years of driving accident free, one traffic accident-fender bender might have you afraid to drive on the interstate. Having a cancer diagnosis upon returning from a long trip out of the country might have you afraid to travel again, an early life of worry about not having money to feed the kids might have you fearing poverty even with a bank or mattress full of money. The egoic mind. The mind that you fear with, compare yourself to others with, feel insecure with…the mind that provides a free-of-charge little voice on your shoulder that chatters incessantly through out your day telling you that you are not ok.

There is another mind…

Later!

Fear

In my spiritual journey, I find there are so many topics, themes, opinions, beliefs that are universal among new thought books/authors, teachers and gurus. As I have drilled down on these topics, I have found that this stuff makes total sense as opposed to the fundamental beliefs of the preachers, teachers, opinionated male dominant hierarchy teachings that have been used to control the multitudes for thousands of years. The bottom line is that we…as in everything on this planet…are connected. Each human being is connected as one and is reliant on all of nature to keep the balance. Everything is connected.

All of our angst, feelings of superiority, insecurity and hate…everything that isn’t love…is fear. And fear comes from that little voice in our head that is constantly talking to us…we can call that little voice…the ego. All of our fear thoughts originate from stories we tell ourselves. I’m ugly, I don’t fit in because I have a big nose, I don’t like someone because they looked at me a certain way…on and on and on. These stories we tell ourselves are not the result of what someone has DONE to us but actually is that “something” buried deep within us. So we revolt. Often, those things about ourselves that we recognize and “don’t like” are exactly the behaviors in someone else that causes us to be locked and loaded when triggered into an angry response and behavior. A simple example…the friend who thinks they will be safe from everything by having rules for everything….built in protection…if I can control it with rules, it can’t hurt me. If this friends behavior crosses your invisible line of acceptance of your rules and he/she irritates you, is it because you have very fixed rules for the perception of safety and you are triggered. The friend that doesn’t wear makeup….do you judge her because you are insecure about the way you look and never leave the house unless embellished? Is she wrong or do you need to examine the insecurity within yourself that she triggers? In general we judge or dislike someone who brings out the insecurities we are hiding.

The illusion of the need to protect ourselves comes from a long history of experiences in our life that may have hurt our feelings, damage us physically/mentally and made us feel unsafe or not good enough. We attached emotion to those “things” and initiated protection alerts for our hearts. It all seems so complicated but is actually very simple. If it is not love based, it is fear based and we have the capacity to change the way we think.

Namaste

Ah-ha moments

The beauty, release and growth in ah-ha moments is breathtaking! It was a Monday night in June after a particularly difficult (for me) spirit group discussion, a nights sleep that I don’t recall dreaming, and morning pages with my green gel ink pen that the honest truth came vomiting out!

The actual details are unimportant to anyone else, the information to be shared is my unwavering belief that i have been living in fear, uncertainty about my future, and a level of angst about my past. The illusion that i am controlling my life is just an illusion and what I am really saying is I’m afraid of the unknown. So many scary and sad things have happened to me in the past that I must control my future in order to be happy and protect myself. All illusion.

One tool to use to aid in figuring this stuff out is morning pages. Committing to writing in long hand…not on the computer…3 pages every morning. These should be written in a binder or in a notebook that only you will see. My intention is to burn my current journal because there are things I’ve written that I NO WAY want anyone else to read. This should not be in dear diary form although there are no wrongs for what works for you to get the juices flowing. The is not a recollection of yesterday’s adventures, what you did or what you ate…although what ate you might be more significant. The only rule is you write down what is in your mind at the moment and then build on it because that is how the thoughts work in our head. 3 pages….every morning. If this process intrigues you, check out Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way”.

Until next time….

Fear and Anxiety

I’ve been wanting to do this blog for quite awhile. I don’t know what is stopping me because in the last 11 years this blog has been a witness to world class disfunction. I’ve spilled my guts over the years for two reasons. Quite frankly, I needed it for my own therapy….write it out, Dear Diary, and heal; and the second reason is I always hope that I will connect with someone who needs to know that they are not alone. I’ve heard you!

Just for the record, I’ve been off anti depressants for 1 year and 8 months…but who is counting. I didn’t just go off anti depressants without a labor intensive backup plan! I’ve continued some in depth self healing….reading and meditating and doing positive affirmations, learning about spirituality and immersing myself in the love and acceptance at Unity Village….and I’ve also been doing some therapy with a licensed therapist who uses EMDR. Using the EMDR protocol, I’ve been able to quiet my mind and relieve my intense fear based anxiety. This treatment is used for PTSD and other flight/fight loops that occur in the brain when you don’t deal with your significant negative, fear based ‘stuff’ in a timely manner.

This treatment was foreign to me when it was suggested…and after one especially painful session, I told my therapist that I have no idea how it works but it works. So there it is. tools that are working for me.

Until next time….

Uncovered another “thing” while kayaking

As life goes….as I’ve learned in therapy….as I’ve uncovered in myself as I embrace new thought, my life as far back as I can remember has been guided by fear!

Over the years, I’ve done some brave and, what some might call, crazy or fearless things which I would say do not meld (for lack of better word) with the belief that I am guided by fear. I think in a subconscious way, I embrace these challenges in order to work through my fear but I’m positive this insight did not knowingly have a bearing on my decisions at the time.

I do not swim very well, in fact I’ve never known if I knew how to swim well enough to save myself….and quite frankly I have a fear of the water….no doubt thanks to my mother who feared everything. Keeping that in mind, I have an incredible desire to be in a boat on the water…we’ve owned a pontoon and two sailboats and now kayaks.

Last weekend for the first time, we took them to the River…the Niangua….for a a maiden 4 hour ….cue Gillians Island music….River voyage. Before I actually got completely on the River, I was personally completely in the river. Within the first hour we had to go around a sand bar where two guys were fishing and because of swirling water and Lack of experience, I got too close to the steep bank and turned it over again! Once I recovered and was helped back in by said fishermen, we were off again.

It was fun, I learned technique, I relaxed, I felt the sun on my body, i experienced the beauty of nature a way I had never seen it before. But the one thing that sticks in my mind was when, as we were floating down the river, he yelled back and said…so did that experience scare you? NO. It did not scare me. I would like to figure out why it didn’t.

Until next time….