Monthly Archives: January 2018

01.25.18
by

Control vs victim mode

Are these the ends of the spectrum? Back when I was a young-youngish woman working a full time very demanding job, raising kids, trying to be everything to everybody I was strong. At least I had the illusion that I was strong and in control. I say illusion because really we don’t control anything in our lives…we make decisions and react to things which come our way. I look back and realize that I needed to always be and feel I was in control was out of fear of the unknown. What you don’t control will getcha! For the most part, I didn’t listen to my more rational inner voice…I heard it, but I seldom had a conversation with it. Fear of the unknown and protecting myself and my family was my rally cry. With that in mind, I also had a confidence that I could and would handle everything…..if I was on a deserted island, I would survive.

The day I retired, I began the soul searching and started tearing down my own personal brick wall. With each brick, I found some inner joy, peacefulness and the ability to act on my compassion for others. Awareness of vulnerability made me uncomfortable….but on the flip side I began accepting love and compassion from others. I actually starting depending on others…..and I’m not overly comfortable with this reality. Sometimes I find myself pulling back with no incentive to step out on my own and make a difference. Perhaps circling the victim mode…things happen to me instead of I happen to things.

It’s hard to find center which is my ultimate goal. A lot of understanding, bandaids and axes find their way to the inner me through meditation. I’ve also noticed that if I skip a few days, I start feeling vulnerable. Without listening and understanding my inner self, I cannot find the balance I need which is Finding my true self…not who I want to be, not who others think I am, but ME

Until next time….

01.17.18
by

Stuck

Being “stuck” in the house because of the below zero windchills has given me cabin fever. Being stuck in the house because I choose not to go outside is much different that living on a country road in Iowa in the middle of winter when I was literally stuck in the house for days because of snow drifts on gravel roads which were the last to be plowed. Say what you will about living in the country during the spring, summer and fall…but winter is Hell. There is no other word for it. As I look out the window today with a couple inches of snow piled on the deck furniture, streets are plowed and I was able to use a broom to remove the dusting of snow from the short sidewalk to the driveway, I should be able to live in the moment and just be thankful for my lifestyle changes. I don’t know why i can’t just let go of the dissatisfaction of the past life and live in peace?

There are different schools of thought…one side says do some talk therapy or figure out why you are really angry….is it the matter at hand or is it dissatisfaction with something else….like your job, etc that you are not dealing with. The other school of thought, the one I attempt, is to be thankful…..just stop living in the past. It takes discipline. It is a completely different way of thinking for me.

So, I continue to work on gratitude. Today, I’m thankful for Baxter who sits on the table with me waiting for a squirrel to run by on the deck

I’m thankful to hear cartoons in the background because Jaxon is here, I’m thankful hearing the sleeping sounds of Jameson sleeping on Papas lap. I’m thankful that there is nothing in my life causing me any stress or pain right now. I’m thankful that I cognitively realize that I have so much to be thankful for and just need to stop with ruminating on the past.

Until next time…..

01.09.18
by

I have another one of those unbelievable stories

Back in the 60’s my mother was a legal secretary for a law firm in Des Moines.  I was probably about 8 or 9 when Linda came into our lives as a high school girl hired to work part time in this law firm basically under the tutelage of my mother. Linda had a strong connection with my mother and visa versa.  Linda came to our home – mom taught Linda how to make peanut brittle – Linda was part of the conversations I heard at home.  My mother and I went to Linda’s parent’s home…lots of vague memories stored in my memory vault.  Linda got married and left the law firm and my mother, for the most part, lost contact with Linda.

Those of you who know me or have read my blogs know that I had a very difficult childhood and adult relationship with my mother.  Recently I started feeling strong and curious enough to start going through totes of papers, pictures, genealogy research that belonged to her.  Today amongst a lot of very old family letters and pictures, I opened an envelope  with pictures and a letter written by Linda to my mother in 1990.  It was a catch up letter.  I was immediately compelled to google her to see whatever happened to her….she is on FB and for some reason, I didn’t stop there, I friended her on FB and sent her a message on FB messenger introducing myself … which she answered immediately.  She sent me her phone number and another higher power connection was made.  This was a phone call of tears, laughter and incredible healing as I found her soul open, understanding and loving.  My connection with her was immediate!

….and then here is the irony.  When Linda found out where I lived, she mentioned that she was supposed to come to the Kansas City area last week to pick up a shih tzu dog from a breeder as Linda fosters, trains and places dogs with forever homes. But last week, the weather was cold and rainy and fortunately Linda came down with a bad head cold so she had to postpone the trip.  Perhaps the story should read that because our energy had yet to connect, Linda had to postpone the trip until sometime later this month…and the absolute shocking detail  is that the breeder lives 7 minutes from me in this town of 8,000 people.  Now what do you make of that?

Linda and I will meet, I will give her a big hug and I will continue to tear up and feel the love and energy from this totally unexpected, unexplainable connection from our past.

Until next time….

01.06.18
by

I knew Donald Trump’s twin

Arrogant, blatantly racist, boldly narcissistic, conspiracy theorist, cruel, mean and a bully AND calls himself an evangelical Christian……we had been friends for a long time …. nearly 45 years….until he forced my hand and I just stopped. I kept his secrets a very long time, I listened to him, i humored his bad manners and personality and somehow justified his behavior in my head that he was just damaged and misunderstood…..I had chosen to stick by him until he worked through it.

I have recently realized that he is Trump’s twin!

What scares the hell out of me is the numbers….the numbers of people who continue to worship this malignant tumor leading our country and what continues to concern me is the support he receives from evangelical Christians. Have I been wrong all of these years or being away from the church did I miss the actual moment when this mass of people turned on the road away from the Christian values and their one way leader, Jesus Christ? This has nothing to do with politics and differences of opinion on fiscal matters, abortion, gun control…any of the hot debatable topics we, as Americans, have always debated and has everything to do with who we really are in our hearts and in our souls. What has happened?

My blog…my opinion. I will not entertain any comments from those of you on the Donald Trump side unless those comments include a believable rational for what I call the anti Christian bend of this country. With that being said, I really want to know what is happening so if there is an explanation, please share.

Until next time…..

01.02.18
by

When the pipes freeze

Lots of Facebook traffic about frozen water pipes during this extremely uncomfortable winter weather. These below zero temps remind me of my lifetime of winters living in Iowa. Weeks of this crap along with lots of snow and blizzard conditions was common so while I wish it would warm up, this Missouri weather is nothing in comparison. I’m in retrospective mood today because 17 years ago this morning, my dad passed. I decided several years ago that sending myself down the rabbit hole of grief on January 2 every year was not the way to celebrate and love my dad. I decided instead to honor him and our life together.

I remember it being every winter, but possibly not, the water pipes froze at the sidewalk junction to our house. As a child, I remember this being an extremely catastrophic event….not because we didn’t have water but because ‘what to do’ upset the rhythm of the household. I realize now that I was a kid and I should have been able to just trust the adults to work this out as they did…but the way they raised me, I felt responsible to help them work it out. Or was it just because I was an overly sensitive child? I may figure this out one day but today I’m going with memories of being a caretaker at an early age.

The one major frozen event occurred when we were visiting Grandma in Muscatine. We were not home to get a stream of water running in the sinks so it was frozen pretty solid through winter. I recall my dad buying heated hose to run from my friend, Lennie’s house next door so we would have water. I also recall that we ….. or my parents….payed their water bill that winter to thank them for helping us.

This post is more of a Documentation of memories for me but while I was typing it, I realized that it was an analogy of life. When our inbound pipes are frozen up with grief or anger or hate, we must work through a solution…sometimes the solution is going within and other times it is being open to the mental or physical help from others.

Until next time….

01.01.18
by

The Wonder on his face

We spent New Year’s Eve with JJJJ tonight. After a great meal, we played some games then turned on CNN to watch Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper bring in the New Year in New York. Jenny and Justin had talked to Jax about what we were going to watch and what it meant….conceptually, I don’t know what he understood…but watching his little face when the ball dropped brought me so much joy. It was The wonder on his face as he was mesmerized by what he was watching on TV and when we all said Happy New Year and the joy when his dad gave him a hug and held him while singing New York, New York and finally the hug he gave grandma and papa when we left….the hug reserved for only special times….wonder…“a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.”

The experience filled me with love and hope for my grandchildren and for all of us in 2018!

Happy New Year!