Control vs victim mode

Are these the ends of the spectrum? Back when I was a young-youngish woman working a full time very demanding job, raising kids, trying to be everything to everybody I was strong. At least I had the illusion that I was strong and in control. I say illusion because really we don’t control anything in our lives…we make decisions and react to things which come our way. I look back and realize that I needed to always be and feel I was in control was out of fear of the unknown. What you don’t control will getcha! For the most part, I didn’t listen to my more rational inner voice…I heard it, but I seldom had a conversation with it. Fear of the unknown and protecting myself and my family was my rally cry. With that in mind, I also had a confidence that I could and would handle everything…..if I was on a deserted island, I would survive.

The day I retired, I began the soul searching and started tearing down my own personal brick wall. With each brick, I found some inner joy, peacefulness and the ability to act on my compassion for others. Awareness of vulnerability made me uncomfortable….but on the flip side I began accepting love and compassion from others. I actually starting depending on others…..and I’m not overly comfortable with this reality. Sometimes I find myself pulling back with no incentive to step out on my own and make a difference. Perhaps circling the victim mode…things happen to me instead of I happen to things.

It’s hard to find center which is my ultimate goal. A lot of understanding, bandaids and axes find their way to the inner me through meditation. I’ve also noticed that if I skip a few days, I start feeling vulnerable. Without listening and understanding my inner self, I cannot find the balance I need which is Finding my true self…not who I want to be, not who others think I am, but ME

Until next time….

5 thoughts on “Control vs victim mode

  1. Who you are is point A, who you want to be is point B, and who others think you are is irrelevant. If your goal is St. Louis (point B), you need to know if you are (your point A is) in Seattle, Los Angeles, Detroit, Houston, Boston, or Miami.

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  2. I think that there is an inner “me” that loves, is sane, and just perfect. my mental clutter makes me hard to hear “me”. so I also benefit from meditation, or just sitting without focusing my mind onto the next task, the next work. it is beautiful and I feel a genuine joy when I connect with my inner “me”.I must make an effort like yourself, but I am either lazy or on the run all the time that I was not able to do this. your post reminded me to give it a try again – thank you

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  3. This is pretty much what my last post was about. It really wasn’t about hair, it was about this. I tend to fall back into patterns as well and usually don’t realize what I’m doing until shit gets real, as they say.
    I give you kudos for realizing it.
    And on your idk…self realization quest. So many ppl never go there and so don’t realize (maybe don’t want to) the hurt they are causing themselves. Focusing on yourself takes some getting used to. I think it’s harder for women, moms, daughters, caretakers…we spent a lot of time living by the list in our heads and getting things done. Control is all we had. Even though we knew we really didn’t. Was easier to pretend or we wouldn’t have ever gotten anything done.

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  4. I had a beautiful well thought out comment, and then hit the wrong button. I think it is so very easy to fall back into the old patterns unless we stay every vigilant, but then that becomes a form of control as well

    Liked by 1 person

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