I put one foot in front of the other

Made my way into my mind’s rational room where all the figurines are placed in their appropriate place….all in a week where the skies are gloomy and the temps below average.  Every morning, I tried to think of the day’s gloomy weather like wearing an oversized t shirt with my old Walmart sweatpants.  Comfortable, safe and familiar as opposed to having to push myself out the door into warmth and sunshine wearing jeans, boots and a noticeable red shirt!

I’m approaching 9 months of being medication free.  I’ve learned that I no longer have the option of pharm to put me in a stupor in order to not feel anything….I must recognize the signs that anxiety is creeping in day to day or actually just event to event.  Perhaps I’m a slow learner or more likely I just don’t have the discipline yet to work the skills I’ve learned to ease the symptoms when they first appear?

This night time irrational anxiety is a bitch!  but this week, I grabbed it with all of my strength and won again.  Practice makes perfect, right?

Until next time…..

Exactly where I was supposed to be…..

I had a particularly satisfying guided Meditation tonight.  I have my favorites and I usually choose Jason Stephenson…but tonight when I was selecting which You Tube video I was going to use, I didn’t think about it….for some reason I chose This one.  It was the right one….it took me where I needed to be.  it’s almost like hypnosis….he took me deeper and deeper into total relaxation and then successfully guided me into working out some things I needed to learn about myself.

And then when he brought me out of it and the meditation was over, You Tube automatically took me to my next saved favorite Video.

And I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Namaste…..

I have something to say…

But currently I’m working through it.  I don’t have understanding right now.  This is why I journal…both privately and publically on ninasusan.com…For the most part, my private journaling is paragraph after paragraph of thoughts that either would not make sense to anyone else or would, quite frankly, piss them off….it may be a book someday.  This blog is a more polished version of what I think  I know to be true.  Sharing back and forth with others is like frosting on my cake.

I find clarity in meditation and journaling….clarity and healing….  I’m seeking understanding about love and friendships.  From somewhere deep within me, I’m realizing that in spite of the parenting I received, I was unconditionally loved by a grandparent from both sides of my family..maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother.  This has been life changing for me…the little girl who grew up believing that love had to be earned.

Through the years, I’ve had a few faulty relationships with friends and family.  I have worn myself out trying to figure out why some of these relationships don’t work….so I started to simply analyze the relationships that do work.  Here’s what I think….those who have grown up with unconditional love are able to love themselves and are free to share that love with friends and family.  It’s just who they are.  Those close to me who have the same vacant love history also have the need and capacity to love when we are connected with respect and “unconditional” friendship that blossoms….and one step further those who are unable to love themselves and have not learned to trust or respect others, for whatever reason, are satisfied with superficial friendships and just do not have the ability to form honest, trusting relationships?  

I guess my bottom line is I must stop trying to earn love and friendship.  Relationships need to have the right ingredients to form and grow and for me, negativity is not one of those ingredients.

Your turn, Please!

Six Months 4 Days

This blog has been taking up space in my head for 4 days now.  I’ve been off antidepressants for 6 months and now 4 days.  

  • I no longer feel drugged.  I’m able to function in the real world like everyone else.
  • Now when I look back at those 2 weeks of Hell going cold turkey, I have no regrets.  Kind of like childbirth!
  • I don’t sleep as well…I think I sleep as deep…just not as long.  I seldom get 8 hours now.
  • The anxiety is now manageable.  I have been meditating every day.  It is as important to me as my morning coffee.
  • I finally am able to feel emotion…things make me laugh and I can tear up nearly on demand.
  • My thoughts seem to be more rational.  I credit meditation with opening my subconscious to assist.
  • I have had some moments of irrational anger…or let’s say I’m no longer medicated so I feel the anger.

Every day is a lesson to be learned.  I missed out on a lot using pharmaceuticals for a long as I did 15 years.  I wish a doctor had given me encouragement to try real life!

It is an empowering experience.  

Until next time…..

Being content just being content

19 to 59 years old, I really could not be stopped!  I look back at those years now and wonder who that person was..59 was just two years ago.    Seems the moment I walked into my first job for an insurance company roughly 40 years ago this month, I began my 40 year energizer bunny phase.  Jobs, kids, vacations, volunteering, senior family caregiving and socializing when I could.  I don’t think I regret any of it.  Oh, sure, in the abstract there are things I would do different.  Several of those “if I’d known then what I know now” moments…and the obvious lineup of old pictures showing my weight fluctuations and hair styles.

I remember as I got older that I craved to dedicate one of my days off just to myself to be able to sit around and do nothing.  Sometimes that helped…sometimes it made me dissatisfied because it gave me the time to ruminate about how to get off the roller coaster and relax…but I always belted back in and continued.

Now that I’m retired, I frequently have to psych myself up to get in the car.  I’m content to do whatever it is I do all day.  When I went to the mailbox yesterday (which is my daily outing), I noticed my retired neighbor outside working in the yard …. dripping sweat…later she sent over tomatos from her garden and I learned that she had canned several tons of tomatoes and salsa.  I thought, ya…I used to do that…don’t wanna!  The fact that I don’t wanna really bugs me.  I’m just content doing what I’m doing….but I want to be content with being content.  I still haven’t been able to cleanse my brain of “should”!  Will this eventually happen or do I just need new batteries?

Until next time…

I have been hesitant to talk about this

Mainly because in the past, I have had no faith in the the stories about psychics.  I am sharing this story because it has been an overwhelming event in my life and I’m sharing it in my blog for my personal documentation of the event.  Here is the condensed version.

On June 27th, he and I did some trail walking at Burr Oak conservation area north of us in Blue Springs.  As we ambled along the trails, we came to a wooden viewing area over a creek bed.  As I stood at the railing taking in nature, I was gripped by an extremely weird feeling….a chilling feeling that someone had died there.  At first, I turned to him and said, I think someone committed suicide here.  I was convinced that if I looked down, I would see a body.  When we turned away from the area and continued on our walk, the feeling left me…physically…but I have been haunted? with the memory every day since it happened.

It was so real to me that when we got home, I began an extensive google search to see if I could find anything in the news.

In the next few days, I shared my experience with a couple of people I trust who I know are Intuitives…I needed someone to give me a rationale to what I couldn’t seems to remove from my thoughts.

3 days ago during meditation, I had a fleeting image of a man laying on his side.  The image was not so much the body but the head with a cap on.  I felt like it was a soldier.  It did not bother me other than where did that come from.

Yesterday following my meditation, I was compelled to google civil war Blue Springs.

I became very emotional when I read this


The Morgan Walker Farm is now Pink Hill Park


I, of course, will have no way of knowing if this has anything to do with my experience, but I am content in my beliefs.

….and that’s my story.