Releasing anger

Life lessons are just like peeling an onion, those of us who have finally grown up realize that …. to put it nicely….we just don’t have tolerance anymore. The drama and other people’s bad manners is just not appealing and crowds the emotions and patience inside our heads. I didn’t invent this theory, I’ve heard it over and over. “I just can’t deal with BS anymore”.

My childhood job was as referee for my parents relationship as one and then the other would come to me each bitching about the other. As a child, I realized my parents didn’t like each other very much and I didn’t think I could stand not having both of them living in the house so I spent copious amounts of childhood energy trying to make everything better. I am very good at it! I also learned that kindness was equivalent to a fireman’s hose on a house fire so I learned to be a good girl and shove my emotions down and not let them manifest in anger. I knew what anger felt like and sounded like.

I’m now 61 years old and I’m finally recognizing and peeling that onion of anger in my gut one layer at a time. I’ve learned coping skills for the depression and anxiety that fueled my life and now, now I’m taking on the anger. I’m finding that I have to work through each layer with internal questions…why does this make me angry, what actually is happening when I’m feeling angry, how do I appropriately deal with this anger and then take action to work through it….things past and present must be quieted either by speaking up or cutting off the offending hand.

….as soon as I worked through this plan of action, I felt lighter. My first challenge is to no longer consider myself a victim. I have choices.

Until next time….

I put one foot in front of the other

Made my way into my mind’s rational room where all the figurines are placed in their appropriate place….all in a week where the skies are gloomy and the temps below average.  Every morning, I tried to think of the day’s gloomy weather like wearing an oversized t shirt with my old Walmart sweatpants.  Comfortable, safe and familiar as opposed to having to push myself out the door into warmth and sunshine wearing jeans, boots and a noticeable red shirt!

I’m approaching 9 months of being medication free.  I’ve learned that I no longer have the option of pharm to put me in a stupor in order to not feel anything….I must recognize the signs that anxiety is creeping in day to day or actually just event to event.  Perhaps I’m a slow learner or more likely I just don’t have the discipline yet to work the skills I’ve learned to ease the symptoms when they first appear?

This night time irrational anxiety is a bitch!  but this week, I grabbed it with all of my strength and won again.  Practice makes perfect, right?

Until next time…..

When the anxiety horn blows

I’ve been trying to blog for several days…in fact right now I’m trying to figure out how to put words together.  I feel I need to get it out of my head so I can shut it down and reel in my anxiety.

Nothing bad has happened….life has happened….but the complication of being an empath has fueled the fires of hell in my mind. I know, intellectually, what I need to do to get a grip but I am going to have to handcuff the part of my brain that does not allow me to avoid so I can to actually accomplish it.

Without going into any detail…suffice to say that when all of a sudden those connected to you start having minor health and common mentally challenging events, I, as an empath, take on those emotions…I can’t explain it, I just feel it.  If you are an empath, you totally understand, if you are not an empath, just read along.

When several minor things happen to those around you, it can be completely overwhelming and if you just go with the flow and fail to arm yourself from these growing life events, eventually the nasty overwhelming feelings take over your peace of mind. For me, that is where destructive anxiety takes over.  Anxiety for me is the inability to have calm, inability to think rationally.  Many times when the sun goes down, my fear and morbid thoughts rage and I’m stuck with heart racing, irrational fear of anything that could possibly happen.

I know this.  I have experienced it too many times in my life not to understand it.  I get complacent, I don’t use the skills I’ve learned to deal with it in the beginning.  I must back away from everyone’s energy.  I must fine my peace in solitude

Until next time……

Not my first goat rope

Or not my first rodeo but today ….. put it in Perspective.

I have had a headache for a little over a month.  I’ve been on two rounds of antibiotics, 5 days of prednisone and now on steroidal eye drops.  I’m better today….it’s just a vague headache but I’m really out of sorts and it has thrown my entire peaceful agenda into disarray.  Okay….it isn’t really the headache….it is my REACTION to not feeling well.

  • He’s only a 23 pound 9 month old child who is a charmer who smiles all of the time and has a voracious appetite.. unless he is tired and needs a nap….then his screaming can peel paint from the walls.  He’s only a 23 pound baby….it’s just a thing until it isn’t a thing…he’s one of the loves of my life!
  • I killed at least 13 flies in the house yesterday and have already killed 5 this morning.  They have to be coming in from somewhere.  They are only flies…they aren’t snakes or dinosaurs.  They are only flies.
  • It is September 21st and there is a heat advisory out for this area.  Heat and humidity for crying out loud.  I can’t stand the humidity.  It’s just hot, princess….you can spend your time indoors in the air conditioning.
  • Trump is still President and the republicans are trying to take away healthcare and innocent souls are dying because of global warning,  okay…..you are on to something there….put it into Perspective….I CAN’T.

Until next time…..

Control is an illusion….

Free will to make decisions, yes…actually being in control….no, not really.

I am a recovering control freak!  I’ve spent many years making firm decisions, manipulating situations and other people so that things could or would be done “correctly”.  There are few people that I willingly allowed dominance over me and usually this was accomplished by fellow manipulators….or perhaps I should include those who held a superior roll in my life…like bosses or parents.  I usually figured it out eventually.  When I look back on it, I don’t really regret my weaknesses because I learned the lessons and eventually recognized the signs.

Back in the day when I would adjust the TV Guides and remotes on the coffee table several times a day, become angry when things were not done the way I thought they should be done, I started realizing that this wasn’t about the TV Guide, etc at all.  It was actually a power move to have control over things I thought I COULD control….and these were very insignificant things when viewing the big picture.

I now see control as an illusion in order to protect ourselves.  My Kidney cancer diagnosis was one of those face slaps that brought reality to the forefront.  Bad things happen, relationships cease to function and sometimes….it’s just a fact….life does not always work out they way we demand and/or plan.  We have our hopes and dreams but the bottom line we must just react on a daily basis to life.  I’m finding that life is so much easier and peaceful when I don’t have carved in stone expectations of others or situations.  We don’t really control anything, we make wrong and right decisions based on the facts we are given.  Control freaks are difficult people and speaking from experience, I don’t think they are generally happy people…we are afraid of the unknown and I think we cause ourselves more grief when we are unwilling to just “roll with it”!

Until next time….

Developing invisible armor

While on my meditative walk tonight, I realized that occasionally ….like tonight….I feel like I’m wearing some type of invisible armor.  It’s not like I physically don this armor or perhaps more like bubble wrap…it’s just there.  I feel safe, I like being with me.

I have 10 years of ninasusan blogs and many pages of less articulate screaming-in-my-head saved in my own personal diary…pages in spiral notebooks and on my computer….i was always attempting to find a reason why I felt like a victim all of the time …. why I was damaged…..why I couldn’t get my shit together and stop the angry voice!  Searching, searching!

I THINK that only a handful of people in my life knew of my angst and hatefulness.  I THINK I presented myself as confident, sane and loving.  We never, ever know what hardships and heartaches our friends may be going through.

But the fact of the matter is this:  if we are wallowing in our own self pity and not liking who we are deep down in our soul…our private stash of pain, it takes the DESIRE and self reflection to sort it out and seek the answers.  No one is going to be able to fix me other than me.  I heard so many times that you have to love yourself before you can love others…I always thought that sounded trite. I related it to loving the way I look…the societal view of outer physical beauty and I knew I would never get there.  What I believe it really means is loving what is deep down there inside…what others can’t see….or they do see from our actions and words…we just don’t know they can see it.

One step at a time…casting out the demons…the envious, judgemental thoughts that we feel about others which manifests by the way we treat people mentally and verbally.

It’s a process….always a work in progress…listening to those people closest to us that have the guts to tell us the truth then listening to the dialogue in our head and then one day at a time…rephrasing that dialogue.

My thoughts about me tonight.  I’m doing the work…the walk is uphill most of the time…but the occasional downhill peace of mind is love and inner peace.

Until next time….

I feel like I got an A on a mid term paper

He and the neighbors had a little mishap on the lake today with the small sailboat we recently sold them.  Actually a couple mishaps…everyone is fine physically.  Suffice to say we put peroxide in his ears tonight in an attempt to kill bacteria from the lake water.   

I had the boys today and Jaxon wanted to see Papa on the sailboat so I loaded them in the car and we drove over to the lake….just in time to see it coming out of the water on the trailer with the 3 of them dripping.  I didn’t mentally freak out.  when Robbien gave me a brief rundown of their 2 hour adventure, I did a cursory glance of everyone and I genuinely felt very calm.  On the way home I didn’t do any catastrophic thinking…I didn’t think about how they (he) could have been injured, what if he had died, any of my typical OMG OMG anxiety thoughts.  This is big!  This is very big!

It happened…everyone is fine…I’m glad I wasn’t with them…move on!

Good Night, Dear Diary.

Until next time….