This idea of having boundaries….

It’s a concept I’m just learning to actually HEAR. On this incredibly personal journey I started so many years ago, I stopped at every crossroad in order to re-evaluate right, left, forward or often screaming NO and running back from where I had come. The thought of creating boundaries was always the one thing causing me to retreat…..

I was raised an only child by older parents with completely different personalities. My parents (who did the best they could do) used me as a child of about 8 and onward to be the glue in their relationship…talking to me about their problems in and out of their relationship and teaching me quickly to be a problem solver and a people pleaser. They sent me out into the world incapable of setting up personal boundaries.

I frequently step or run forward to do the things I want to do but I’m usually dragging someone or something else with me, not in my best interest, because I’m just afraid to say no.

This morning two memes mentioning boundaries popped up on my FB page….my spiritual soul grabbed on …. holding tightly as if I had never before heard the concept. And just like that…I know where my awareness will be focused.

Until next time…

How they made me feel

I had one of those moments this morning…I liken it to a sparkling dust of wisdom falling from the sky and gently landing on my shoulder. It’s those ah ha moments that gently ring your bell of recognition and it feels like….like….a thunder shirt for a dog. It was just ANOTHER small glimpse of a moment that I’ve been able to see through the peep hole of who I am.

Quite a while ago I seized on the Maya Angelou quote, At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them feel.

Jeff Foster, in the book Deepest Acceptance touched on removing the story you have told yourself about difficult people in your life and see them without your story, without your pain or whatever emotion you have attached to them. See them new and fresh…see them just as they are. I immediately looked in the corner and saw my memory image of my mother as just a person I did not know. I really looked at her…I understood the lesson.

…..and then this morning the little poof of sparkle. Yes, in fact, we can love everyone as human beings…as ourselves….even those folks that make themselves hard to love by their behavior…..I have to remove the story I tell myself about them…good or bad….by knowing how they made me feel. It is often nearly impossible to forget the event, to forget what they said, to forget how they literally crumbled your heart or your self esteem. The reason is the emotion I attached to them how they made me feel. I may not remember the story just right…I may not remember exactly what was said…I may not even remember why I can’t stand them…but I’m always attached to them by emotion…by the way they made me feels. Releasing the emotion may not be easy, but realizing that this is my story, my emotion, my path gives me ownership. I am seriously tired of all of the angst balled up in my chest because of my perceptions of past transgressions but I have the choice to close the door and not rent space to them in my head from this moment on.

Until next time….