My 89 year old mother has narcissist personality disorder.  Textbook.  I’ve known for years – actually since I was 8 or so that there was something wrong with her.  When I got to be an adult, I refused to believe that there could be anything wrong with her….it had to be me…I couldn’t really be feeling about her the way I do.  I absolutely couldn’t stand to be around her – she always either irritated me or embarrassed me.  Can you say CONTROL…and if I hadn’t gone to therapy and if my daughter hadn’t found the author, Nina Brown and her Children of the Self Absorbed…I would still be controlled.  Obviously controlled.  Mom is in a nursing home now.  She has fallen and broken her femor once and her pelvis 3 times and she is still kicking.  She pretty much has fought every attempt I’ve made to 1)help her; 2)leave her alone.  I found the yahoo group…”adult children of narcisstic parents” which has helped me so much.  I get off work in an hour and have to go see her – it has been a week….I dread each visit.  I have to put my shield up…I continuously hope that I will have a “mother” that I think any child deserves before she dies….Hope gets less everytime I go see her.  Sad 😦

It’s Saturday afternoon at 1700 hours – a blue sky but windy day in Iowa.  I can hardley wait to “get out there”…get the nursing home visit over so I can go home and watch several more Grey’s Anatomy season 3 episodes.  I watched Kate Walsh’s new Private Practice show…Hope it is going to get better.  Usually these new shows need to find their level…I love Amy Brenneman too and the other lead female – she has a beautiful set of arms. 

I’m so new to Xanga but enjoyed doing a little browsing last night.  Found some ladies sites that really interested me…look forward to having more time to read everything. 

Until next time……

Okay…so Jeff from the Daily Ground Hog lists on his site this web address:

http://www.vajoe.com/candidate_calculator.html

Very interesting.  Basically, by marking yes/no/unsure for several different issues, and indicating the strength of your conviction, the site calculates which candidate fits best.

I was quite surprised that my guy is Biden.  Of course he doesn’t have a snow balls chance in hell.  Some day when I have some time, I’m going to play around and see what changed answers also changes “the” candidate.  Jeff tells me we are many miles apart in our politics…ya..that was a shock.  Pretty much we agree on one issue.  Will be a great discussion over lemon pie and coffee.  Did I say discussion or indigestion????

If you haven’t tried fantasy football….plan on it next year.  I love football…my husband is/was a non-sports fan…remember…he loves to watch tv shows about pounding nails and wildlife eating each other….happily he is coming around.  But…pro-football has become so much more fun now that I have players on my fantasy football roster from teams I might not have even watched.  Last weekend was a bust.  Donavan McNabb had been a complete dud for 2 weeks – so I got mad and benched him and started Ben Rothlisberger …and that is the week that McNabb showed his stuff again with like 39 fantasy points that I missed out on …..I was very mad at myself.  Had I played McNabb.  I would have earned high point for the week in my league.  Anyway…I really recommend fantasy football and if I can figure it out – anyone can….

I am reading “Trace” by Patricia Cornwell – don’t know if I’m just irritable for some reason or is she going the way of Danielle Steele in that seems like she repeats lots of sentences in neighboring paragraphs to fill up the verbage in the book.  This one is a disapointment – first time I have said that about one of her books. 

Worked 12 hours today.  I’m tired and obviously rambling…so I’m going to bed….

Until next time…..

I must find something to do.  Gone are the days when I had two children at home and everything to go along with them…I miss marching band season so much.  I miss going to practice…I miss the competitions….I miss the pride of watching one of my daughters being a part of this wonderful ensemble.  I even miss band boosters.  Lots of energy went into promoting the high school band over the year…it was exhausting and I even burned out, but I miss it.  Someone asked…what is wrong…why are you adopting another dog…are you trying to replace the kids.  YUP…hadn’t thought of it but that is the answer.  They give me something to DO… but that is not quite enough.

I’m struggling with starting to clean and toss the stuff in mom’s house.  She isn’t coming home….don’t think she knows that yet.  Wouldn’t start upstairs just in case she is able to come for visit but would start in the basement.  Overwhelming – yes…but will be refreshing to go thru stuff…bring back some memories…toss, clean.  Maybe that will help.  But it is wrong to do it before she is gone?

I have to head for work…working 12 hours today….gee…that should give me something to do 😦 ack..

Until next time……

We…Phil and I and 2 of the 3 dogs…just returned from fishing…The 4 of us went to Bennett Spring near Lebanon, MO for 4 days.  I have no idea why I suggested we take the dogs..probably just missing the adult daughters because it was quite similar to taking them places when they were 2 and 8 …. the only difference is the dogs didn’t fight in the back seat.  While Phil fished Monday, I shopped in the park store…lots of bargains this time of season….then I went back up to the campground to get the dogs…..  thought we could spend the afternoon together.  We walked around the park – walked on one of the short hiking trails…relaxed for a few minutes waiting for Phil to pull in a big lunker then walked around again.  Several mentioned that they couldn’t tell if I was walking the dogs or they were walking me.  Every now and then, we would walk close to the stream so the dogs could get a little water….keeping in mind Marley weighs 113 pounds and Sierra weighs about 70…I was no match when they started pulling…. although I’m not a little thing.  I tried to dig my feet in but to no avail.  We ended up in the water.  Marley just lapped up some water then laid down in the stream.  Now this was all really cute and humorous……until he dried off and we loaded Phil, the fish and the two dogs into the car for the return trip to the camp ground… the stench came to life.  Now, you see, I recognize the stench as being from the stream because I don’t allow the fishing net in the car – it must hang on the outside mirror because it always is so pungent.  On the way up to the campground, I decided I HAD to give him a shower.  “Him” being Marley…not Phil…I’ll just leave that picture to your imagination; I won’t soon forget the experience.  Had I been smart, i would have removed all of my clothes before lathering him up, but I was afraid Marley would decide to escape from the shower – someone would open the door and there I would be chasing the dog thru the campground buck naked.  Instead I chose the humilation of “walking” Marley back to the camper .. me dripping from head to toe and he looked like a huge drowned rat.  I also figured out on this trip that Marley is not a very bright golden retriever….but Phil says he doesn’t have to be smart, he is just so cute 🙂

Rain came on Tuesday so we went to Lebanon to pick up some “must have” items…and made a trip to the antique store…we found and placed on layaway a beautiful coffee table made by artisans from the Ozark mountains.  No room to haul it back this trip, but we are going back next month for our last fishing trip of the season and will pick it up then …

Rained most of the evening.  We had a campfire but sat under the awning to enjoy it.  Dogs, of course, wouldn’t stay under the awning and the inside of the camper smelled of wet dog all night.

Bennett Spring – Lebanon, MO one of the most beautiful places on earth.

Until next time……

Had a great 3 days in Wisconsin.  Terry and Harry are great…we were greeted with news that they were able to purchase 86 acres of hunting land including a hunting cottage N and W of Wausau.  Harry has already been out searching the woods for “signs”.  I’m sure if you are a hunter, you’ll understand.  Terry, Vicki and I shopped in Minaqua (probably butchered the spelling).  It is a quaint old little Wisconsin town in the great “up north”.  The further we traveled North the more beautiful the trees were.  They haven’t really started to change here at home.

Hope Jenny finished the Grey’s Anatomy tapes yesterday so I can get my hands on the last ones this week 🙂

Need to unpack.  Was a fun road trip…lots of laughter and lots of world problems solved but also it is good to be home.

Until next time…..

How was Grey’s, you ask.  13 hours.  It was delicious.  12 episodes to go before the season opener….what a fun and relaxing day with Jenny in front of the tube.

Off to Wisconsin today.  Vicki and I are going to visit Harry and Terry.  Perhaps watch a little football and do a little shopping….taking the lap top so I can keep up on my fantasy football scores…I’m sending positive thoughts to Donovan McNabb…

Feeling a little tired today after all the drama yesterday with McDreamy, Meredith and the gang 🙂

Until next time…..

I turned the furnace on this morning.  I slept with the window open last night…During the summer, I keep the air on at 68…devil dog even slept with me last night…but when I came down this morning, the thermostat registered 44 outside and inside it was 67…Phil is alseep upstairs so I couldn’t go up and get my sweats…so… I turned on the furnace…Why is it so much colder at 67 in September than 68 in August?  Yes…I know…I’m from Iowa…it is the lower humidity…but THAT much colder….

JJBBEAN….yes….I know you think TV is awful…and I agree with your take on reality…but can it be THAT bad.  I am kind of anti-hollywood and really don’t like science ficture or adventure movies – especially Rocky movies…because they are so out there.  What is the difference between being out-there and just a little fickle.  The whole purpose of watching TV is to lose yourself a couple of hours a day.  Totally emeshed in someone else’ life and problems so you don’t have to think about your own life problems.  It is fiction.  I read for the same reason.  AND….about reading.  Why are we so critical about what someone else reads.  We’ve all met those people that say if you haven’t read the classics then you IQ must not be very high.  Then I’ve actually mentioned that I don’t read the monthly romance novels because I think they are sappy….but, I really have no problem if someone else wants to read them.  It is fun to talk to someone who is the same genre interest..but who am I to judge someone by the type of fiction or non fiction they read….it is escape.

That is my rant this morning.  I’m going to now try to figure out how to load some pictures and how to find out if anyone other than JJBBEAN has found me…what are footprints?

Until next time…..

Third season of Grey’s came yesterday so Jenny and I are going to do a Grey’s marathon on Saturday – similar to the Big Love marathon last year with Katy.  My big question today is what quality in Grey’s Anatomy cause an addiction for me and someone else thinks it is an okay show if there is nothing else to watch.  I know we all have filters from our past life or past experiences… but can entertainment really be this distinctively different from person to person.  Now I understand the gender issue, Phil loves to watch tv shows where large animals with big teeth like to eat other large animals with big teeth or he can sit for an hour watching someone pound nails into wood; but what could you not love about Grey’s Anatomy?  While I have your attention…why doesn’t everyone love the Young and the Restless.  I understand it is not the real world, I understand that soap opera guys and dolls have some good make-up artists; I also, at times, have to fast forward thru certain story lines because the writers go down roads better left untraveled…but for the most part…isn’t it just like standing outside the window and watching our families relate…Soap opera families become like the families next door…terribly interesting to watch, wouldn’t want to be a part of the family but fun to gossip about.  I know a closet Y & R viewer…I wish he could just come out. 

Until next time….