Monthly Archives: March 2020

03.27.20
by

The mental quarantine

……and by mental, I mean what is the story we are telling ourselves. As I wander around the house seeing things that need to be done, I tell myself I don’t really want to do them. These are the exact same things I had all kinds of excuses for back in January and February…you know….the good old days.

Now because the “powers that be” have instituted new rules to keep me safe, I feel like I’m being disciplined. This is in no way a Pollyanna commentary that everything is just fine…there is a lot of suffering. But I am trying to just watch the back-of-my-mind running narration telling me that if this was my choice….a stay at home vacation….needed down time from the busyness, I would not be complaining at all. I would be breathing in the solitude…I would be enjoying the guiltless time to read a book, catch up on TV series I had recorded, settling in for an afternoon movie. It’s not like we are without any options for our leisure time.

Is it safe to say that the angst, anger, boredom in our required downtime is more the story we are telling ourselves than reality…saying “I can’t” rather than “I won’t”. Because of the fear of “catching” the virus and the uncertainty of available health care or for me….mortality, I choose to not have any physical association with others. But if that were not a fear… I have the choice …. like so many others are doing …. ignore the rules in order to satisfy immediate gratification. Theoretically this makes it my choice!

This may be activity day for the egoic voices in my head. This thought pattern was only the first 15 minutes of coffee in my hand, on the couch, waking up….buckle up!

03.26.20
by

You have been told who you are

We…He and I….have been making our way through the Paul Selig series of books for a couple of years by taking advantage of book studies (Spirit Groups) on Thursday nights. In that group we have advanced to the Book of Mastery which is kicking my butt. He and I have also started the series over and are reading it together at 10 each morning. Some mornings we don’t get a lot read because we end up in conversation. It probably doesn’t need to be stated that either/or is ok. We are learning a lot from each other and about each other.

Last week I highlighted these paragraphs in the second book of the series, Love and Creation.

Now this has to do with constructs and self-identification, and this is important to understand. You have been told who you were ever since you were born. And you have been told what you looked like compared to other people, how you ranked on a scale of success or worth through external things; you have chosen to abide by these things as if they were real because you have moved into accordance with them, indoctrinated into them, and gone into agreement with them.

“Of course I am this, I am told I am this.” Well listen, everybody, you’ve been listening to who you were as described by others since you were old enough to comprehend the idea that you were this thing that you were told. So why not rally around this?

Because I’ve already read the Love and Creation Book and the succeeding book, Knowing and Worth, I’m learning how to work through these life domestications. It’s listening to my inner self, learning and accepting what I’m hearing and then making choices every day to heal myself! Sometimes it’s hard not to revisit when the monkey mind takes over..but I’m finding that having a “personal method” of quieting the monkeys helps me to remain in my knowing of myself.

Namaste

03.25.20
by

Have time on my hands

This Science Insider YouTube video popped up very timely on my Facebook Feed. Just as we were putting groceries away. I was wiping everything down with alcohol wipes while I was lecturing my audience of one about my belief in wearing a mask in public.

As you can see by the picture, he hangs on my every word!

Thinking a lot about introverts during this nearly voluntary lockdown. So much thinking!

Ordered groceries from Price Chopper for the very first time this morning. Won’t be the last.. In my head, I assumed I would send a grocery list and would receive 1/2 what I ordered. Ahhh that good old pessimistic thinking. It was spectacular. Constant contact from my “shopper” giving me the option of approving or disapproving of any substitutes. Win/win.

Lots of on line Zoom and Facebook live messenger contacts yesterday. We were freeking busy! It was great. It was a blessing. Do not be afraid to reach out with online conversations and videos. They are easy to navigate and such a lift seeing the smiling faces of lovies!

Namaste

03.25.20
by

Trusting the Process

Last year when I had foot surgery, I remember laying in bed with my foot propped. Often out of my ever loving mind thanks to pharmaceuticals. Attempting to have some understanding of the book I had been wanting to read. Watching the same episode of a recorded show several times because I could NOT keep my eyes open or my brain awake in order to have any type of comprehension! “What did he say?”

Soon I was up clomping about with my big black boot….and soon I was wanting to sit around and read and watch movies and I thought …wow I wish I could go back to bed and veg without guilt….of course I didn’t…I planned for the next day, the next week, the next meeting, thinking about the forecast for tomorrow, griping about future events…thinking and worrying about everything I had to do….so much thinking….

Fast forward a year. Here I am in my theoretical bed again. This time there is no planning into the future because I have no idea when the future will begin. I have very few choices. Decision revolve around my eating schedule and remembering if I brushed my teeth?!?!

I am living in a place of acceptance because my only real choice is what I’m doing right now. As uncertainty and unsettled feelings present themselves, I know I need to let them wash over me and then watch them recede. The waves will continue to come, sometimes noisily crashing. But what I have right now is the solitude, the silence and the gift of this moment to learn a new way of living my life.

Namaste

03.23.20
by

Finding the new Normal

It feels so weird to not need to check my phone calendar to see what time I should set an alarm for the next morning…. To not have anything on my calendar in general. Our Monday evening book club met on line last night and we began as we always do with a check in. So far everyone seems to be finding their water line…floating in the nothingness and seeking a new normal. I felt so much comfort realizing that everyone was feeling the screeching halt from a lifetime of getting ‘Er done. I FELT our friend, Carol’s, rapid acceptance…they are bringing wood in for a fire, she is doing her spiritual work and she finally has the time to read the books that have been stacking up.

I am actually feeling some comfort today. There’s nothing I have to do…there is only what I want to do…that thought is so foreign in my mind. I committed this morning to use the skills I’ve been practicing to think about life differently. Each moment is a gift that we live in that moment. We have no control…or our normal perceived control over anything. All I have to do is Be. Be in this moment with a gratitude in my heart.

Namaste

03.23.20
by

The Huge RESET

The reality of our virus consciousness is we can be pissed off, we can believe this should not affect “me”, we can go on trying to live the same life we lived before we heard of Coronavirus, we can rip our insides out being internally hateful and angry, we can refuse to trust the government, we are free to read and believe all of the conspiracy theorists to bolster our negative attitudes, we can weep for lost opportunities, we can be devastated by the loss of loved ones and inconsolable because we can’t send them off into “whatever you believe next is” the way we believe we should. But the bottom line is. It has us. We have very few real choices!

This feels wrong! We aren’t use to discipline, we aren’t use to the loneliness, we aren’t use to having to follow someone else’s rules with our private lives. Here in the US, most of us have the American Dream mentality. If we work hard, we will succeed. We can do anything we put our mind to. But that is being taken away from us….just for a little while….just until we are safe…..safer.

There is no doubt, individually, we are going to come out of this with monumental issues….all of those things that you are worrying about right now…some of them may actually be difficult to deal with.

But will we love more abundantly, Will our time out make us appreciate the little things, Will we hug others with heart bursting love and Will we come together as humans on earth helping each other, freely giving our time, energy and love to one another just because we will see how much it is needed and appreciated and generosity will be stylish?

I am already seeing it out there…”out there” outside of where I shelter. The neighbors are checking on each other, able neighbors are offering resources, time and energy to help each other. In between the angst on social media, there is love. We are starting to step up for each other…it’s actually kind of beautiful!

This is our lesson.

Namaste

03.21.20
by

My most dreaded celebrity death

Has finally happened. Kenny Rogers transitioned yesterday at the age of 81. (Which, quite frankly, doesn’t seem THAT old from where I sit).

Kenny Rogers record albums, CD’s and now digital playlists have played in the background throughout my life. Daytime friends, Ruby don’t take your love to town, Don’t Fall in love with a Dreamer and knowing every word to The Gambler are some of the highlights of my personal car concerts!

In 2012, after reconnecting with my best friend since 1975 (and now my sister in law), we rented a limo to take us to a Kenny Roger’s Christmas concert in Des Moines.

We laughed that he seemed to have a hitch in his get along but he was still our gorgeous Kenny even after some obvious face work. Then in 2016, Kenny was doing his farewell concert across the US and made a stop in KC. There was no question that Gena and I would make that concert stop.

Kenny lives on in his music!

03.15.20
by

Sanitizer DIY Coronavirus

I had a little “steam out of my ears” when I realized that some folks went on a fear shopping spree…buying up huge grocery carts full of “safety supplies” not even considering what effect that would have on everyone else. Like the guy who is now Facebook famous in southern Missouri for buying up over 17,000 bottles of Purell hand sanitizer so he could inflate the price and make a buck on Amazon and EBay. That backfired on him…Amazon and EBay said no and I smiled.

So, because we need sanitizer when we are out and don’t have access to soap and running water, I found some recipes on line. First I rounded up containers. 1 small spray bottle, 1 empty soap pump container and a cascade dishwashing pod container.

Basic ingredients…rubbing alcohol (must be minimum 69%) along with Aloe Vera gel, essential oils. I found alcohol with high percentage at CVS Pharmacy for $2+ I used this aloe gel from Amazon….it took about a week for delivery but the owner sent a lot of information as to how to contact her which gave me hope that it is pure with minimal chemicals.

I also used do terra on guard and purify. It was a doterra recipe thus their on guard but I also used Tea Tree Oil and Lemon essential oils because I didn’t want to smell like a walking disinfectant. That’s it. Below are 3 recipes. The wipes recipe…we folded paper towels and layed them in the pods container. Combined and poured the following recipe over them and closed the container.

2 TBS aloe gel, 1 1/2 cups of 70% alcohol. 15 drops each of tea tree (or on guard) and lemon essential oils.

Hand gel in the recycled soap pump dispenser. 5 TBS aloe gel, 4 TBS hot water, 2/3 cups alcohol and 15 drops tea tree (on guard) and I put 5 drops lemon essential oil so I didn’t smell like terpentine. Poor into soap container. Done.

Hand spray. 1 TBS alcohol, 15 drops essential oil and top off container with water. Also recommended was 1/4 teaspoon of vitamin e oil. I didn’t have any but did have avocado oil with vitamin E so used that.

Loaded these items in totes for each of the cars. Done.

Just for the record, 5 TBS equals 1/3 of a cup. I felt like a genius when I picked up the 1/3 cup first and it worked.

03.15.20
by

Ding, Ding it’s about control

Back when I was all up into organized religion, I was ever reminded that whenever doubt crept in about what I was suppose to believe, that meant I didn’t believe enough. I totally bought it. I bought it because I already had a perfect score in domestication. My parents probably did the best they could bringing up little Nina by passing their own rigid rules and “because I said so” “never cross the line”. AND if you do cross the line or if you don’t live up to expectations then you are not a good girl. What is wrong with you.

So, of course, I internalized how bad I was, how different I was because I didn’t get it…didn’t believe at face value what everyone expected me to believe. I just didn’t have the faith that everyone else had, something was off with me, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

As I entered my middle age years, I stepped out…I quietly rebelled. I followed rules even when they made no sense. But, I Started gently balking the system. In my head I fought like a ninja to change the rules. For the most part I was polite and strategic and realized in my work and in my family and among friends that if I could put enough evidence out there that change was actually their idea, I succeeded. That’s when I realized I was manipulative. I had learned the art of manipulation.

It all came together for me when I put two and two together and figured out organized “religion”. That’s when I started seeing the flashing lights over the pulpit spelled out — Do as I Say, Not what I Do. That’s when I figured out that the rules and laws and the “interpretation” of the holy book was the way organized religion supervised the running of private lives. That’s when, ding ding, I realized that just because someone says it, just because someone else believes it, just because it’s someone else’s rule does not mean I have to believe it. And the BEST PART ….. I don’t continue day to day with the voices of doubt, the feelings of not being good enough. There is nothing wrong with me. I have choices. I am able to live by intuition. I am able recognize when something feels right and something feels wrong. I am learning to love everyone. I recognize that we are all the same but we haven’t all taken the same road to discovery.

Ding, ding. It’s really all okay until we think it is not ok.

03.06.20
by

The water line is receding

And as I told a girlfriend…the fluid is receding… like I need to make a mark to check the progress not like I look in the mirror and say Whoooo I look like myself again. I didn’t post a picture yesterday because I did not appear to have a neck. It was like a balloon tied with a knot on each end. While at one point I looked at it with disgust, I finally came to terms with the bodies ability to heal….I witness this quite often with little bumps as I bash into immovable objects with my body like an out of control freight train.

It’s really a miracle that my skin was cut open, an organ I was born with was removed, I was glued back together and my body takes care of the rest. #gratitude

Until next time….