I don’t know if this happens to all people pleasers; but, eventually some of us blow.  I’m currently working through another layer…peeling the skin off the pungent onion.  When being raised up as a people pleaser, I believe what you really learn is to be a door mat.  

During my continuous mental cleansing  and the endeavor to be peaceful, loving and kind….I find myself just plain angry.  The two opposite emotions do not live together.  I speak for myself but know other people pleasers will begin shaking their head in the affirmative….in order to be kind, we let people mistreat us.  We don’t speak up like many others and say stop…you are not going to treat me this way…you are not going to disrespect me by saying unkind things to me or about me.  Instead we spend way, WAY too much time trying to figure out what we are doing that makes someone take advantage of us, not respect us or just be curt, rude and shitty.

But the fact is…these people are so messed up in their own head, their behavior betrays them.  It’s not me.  It is them.  It’s going to be difficult for me but I’m going to start standing up for myself because no one else is obviously going to do it.  You ignore me…I ignore you.  You snap at me…I snap at you.  You belittle me…I respond in kind.

You teach people how to treat you and as we accept negative behavior toward us, we are teaching people that we will accept being treated negatively.  I’m tired and by standing up for myself, I will delete the power that others have over me.

I will be starting slowly as a child begins to learn from kindergarten but I will learn fast and grow strong.  The stone in my path to kindness, peace and love will no longer block my path and make me turn around and search for another path.

Until next time….

When you and your buddy’s illegally camp out on federal land….depriving other Americans of using the federal land, you break the law, you deprive other Americans of their illusion of safety and peace of mind, you brag about your Arsenal and your machismo, you taunt with your radical verbiage, run from the Feds and then using the universal sign of surrender you pull a gun on the law and you are killed…isn’t this what you wanted, to be a martyr for your radical cause..it worked out well, didn’t it? ….and further more, inventing this drama during a political season when the news media really doesn’t care nor do most Americans really care about your little initiated terrorism…on top of everything else….poor planning!

Feds release aerial footage
It’s long…about 35 minutes for the action.

I totally understand the dislike, some would say hatred, of the crap that goes on with the federal government …. But there are laws and there are ways of fighting for your cause which does not include mirroring terrorism.  I assume the Feds did not take action before because they thought this militia would go home and they didn’t want to cause another Ruby Ridge or Waco…so far, with the exception of one radical, the situation will be aired in the court system….well, as long as the sheep still camped out on the federal land don’t do anything stupid!

Until next time….

I’ve been to a handful of hockey games so I haven’t developed a passion for the sport but 10 minutes into the 1st period of the Missouri Mavericks game last night, I was hooked.

  
It’s loud, it’s fast…full body slams (bodychecking) bouncing and colliding with the opponent is permitted and quite frankly encouraged by the fans.  It is nerve wracking and exciting!  He and I are co owners of one of the 3 Vapur vape shops in the Kansas City metro area….And we are a sponsoring business of the Missouri Mavericks.

….and, of course there has to be an incorrigible mascot
  

  
  
And because it was Vapur night….Aaron…the owner of Vapur of Kansas City got to ride the Zamboni between the 2nd and 3rd periods.  Better him than one of us….

  
Go Mavericks!

Until next time…..

We took several family vacations when the kids were young…a couple of times to Florida…in 96 we did your typical Orlando and all of the amusement park hype, stayed on Daytona Beach, went to Kennedy Space Center….in 99 we went to Orlando again *crushes can on forehead* and then went south to Miami and Key West.  This was the trip in 96.

I think pictures say it all!

He and I are leaving next week for a few days in Florida.  Going to Be centered in Daytona Beach although we have no concrete plans…if it is a normal vacation for us, we will be wandering.  There is a rocket launch scheduled at Kennedy on our second day….I’m guessing we will see some of it, somehow which reminds me of the story from 1996.  We were staying around Cocoa Beach and he heard that there was going to be a launch so we decided to try to see something from the motel parking lot…surely we will see something.  Jenny was 15 and wasn’t the least bit interested….so the other 3 of us parked ourselves in the parking lot and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited…finally we decided to head back to the room to see if we could get more information on launch time… where the 15 year old announced that OH YA…the launch was scrapped!  *smash can on forehead.

I laugh every time I Think of it…I smile when I remember all of our trips….and the Girls?  Pictures say it all

Until next time….

8 years of January blog statistics shows that I apparently find myself totally uninspired with not a creative bone in my body.  I don’t write, I don’t do projects, I Just veg and regurgitate!  …..and February….well, I lived in Iowa…February was always my most depressing month.  I think because Iowa winter just never ends or I thought it always felt that way in February.  But now I live in Missouri…it is supposed to be 50 with some sunshine by week end…we are taking off soon for a few days of clog reducing temps in Florida….warmth, sunshine and the ocean waves to make me feel human again.

A long time friend, who I haven’t seen in about 36 years sent me this picture last night.

  
While our bodies look a little weird because of the angle of the camera, it filled me with great joy.  It filled me with great peace and love…while I’m sure there were troubles in my mind during this time of my life (in fact, I know there were) I remember with love and affection that I loved nearly everything and knew I had a strong spirit and the world was my oyster…I am much older now and I Have so many more tangible blessings now….my spirit should be soaring instead of letting things that I cannot control…control me.  Thanks, Jill…I needed it.  And yes, darn it, we were hot! 

until next time….

I finished one of the best books I’ve read in awhile the night before I was gotten by the cold,sneeze and cough.

So while in the grips of the cold, I could find nothing to hold my attention on IBooks or Kindle so I went to Amazon Videos.  I clicked on an Amazon Studios series…. Transparent…. After reading about it, the first actor listed was Jeffery Tambor so I knew it would probably be quirky and I love quirky.  The rating was for mature audiences because of adult language, adult situations, sex and nudity.  That does not bother me, I would rather watch bare ass naked sex than violence any day.  Although the very first episode did contain some pretty dramatic sex scenes and full frontal nudity that kind of surprised me. . .I’m glad I kept watching.  While sex is the main topic of the show, the show is not really about sex…it is about the disfunctional Jewish Pferrerman family…their pain, their love, their messed up lives and the totally love able, sensitive, trans father, Jeffery Tambor.  If you are easily offended or opposed to watching a show with a lot of nudity and sexual situations, don’t watch it but if you are open minded and able to absorb the deeper meanings and heartache resulting from disfunctional, you will like it…Amazon Prime subscribers watch it for free.

Until next time…

Driving this morning, where I do my 2nd best thinking…shower being 1st, I thought I had a grip on my current mental turmoil….I probably came across as angry yesterday and that would be totally accurate.  Angry and sad because I felt disrespected.  This morning I thought, ah, yes, finally another layer of  skin has been peeled off the onion.  I googled respect whenI Got  home.

  
That’s not it…I’m not looking for adoration, reverence or high opinion.  I didn’t know the definition of respect.  Yet, Maybe honor is the word.  Not honored because of some remarkable accomplishment…but honored as a person who tries to be the best she can be….living a life of good intention, attempting to share love and joy and peace with my friends and family.  I, patiently try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I want to be remembered as someone who loved, treated others with kindness and always there with support…to be honored for the person I am.

Jenny sent this to me yesterday because she knew I was struggling.

  
She highlighted number 2.

I may have just figured out that I must honor myself and respect myself combined with Don’t take anything personally…perhaps these are the ingredients to forgiveness and love.

Until next time….

It happens….when you decide to live a peaceful life…. Removing negativity and living with an appreciation of peace and joy and love, you can set yourself up for a surge of angst and hatefulness.  When we feel that negativity is continuously pushing into the door until it is wide enough to get a shot of negatively hitting its target.  I have always tried to roll around on the ground first, to try to extinguish the fire before I’m totally engulfed.  But that doesn’t always work because of the chemicals I’m rolling around in…(memories)!  Perhaps it is then time to crawl your way into the shower and rinse the ugliness with clean water.  Yet, in time, it is possible to enter from the back door and destroy your enemy….that time when you are making your way around to the back of the house, you are stepping on stones and sticks that hurt…is it worth the energy and pain you cause yourself to annihilate the enemy.  Does it make you really feel better or does it spread more bad chemicals on the ground for the next fire?

Should we duck and teach people how to treat us or do we stand up and protect ourselves with our weapons?  That is the question.

Until next time…

My dad taught me how to play checkers and I remember the devastating game, candy land, because I seldom won.  I jigsawed with puzzles but tired quickly of them because I really didn’t like the pictures they were going to be.  Our trips to Grandma Greens house in Nichols, Iowa always included an evening of playing 500.  I was pretty good even as a kid.  My dad was always my partner against my mom and Grandma….he and I were an amazing team.  I learned to play the card game, Spades in my teens….I Was pretty good.  I can remember sitting in the back of the bus with the boys playing Spades while on choir tour from Ozark Bible College.  In our early married life, he taught me to play dominoes and we kept a board in our bedroom to use as a table on the waterbed and frequently played until we finally wore down and went to sleep.  Enter Othello…I hate that game….I can never win….ever.  I brought it out a year ago so we could play again because I’m older, smarter and thought I could get in his head.  FAIL.  As the girls grew up, they brought games back into my life…I’m always up for a game…I actually crave playing games…but those opportunities are few and far between.  i love playing gin but do you think anyone will play gin with me?  I can’t even whine a good game of gin out of anyone.

Last night at Christie and Aaron’s, we played games.  Electronic games…using our tablets and phones as our game pads.  I was not a winner and I wasn’t a loser….although it can be said that if you don’t win, you lose.  I played games!  Thanks!  We had a wonderful evening!

  
Until next time….