Life lessons are just like peeling an onion, those of us who have finally grown up realize that …. to put it nicely….we just don’t have tolerance anymore. The drama and other people’s bad manners is just not appealing and crowds the emotions and patience inside our heads. I didn’t invent this theory, I’ve heard it over and over. “I just can’t deal with BS anymore”.
My childhood job was as referee for my parents relationship as one and then the other would come to me each bitching about the other. As a child, I realized my parents didn’t like each other very much and I didn’t think I could stand not having both of them living in the house so I spent copious amounts of childhood energy trying to make everything better. I am very good at it! I also learned that kindness was equivalent to a fireman’s hose on a house fire so I learned to be a good girl and shove my emotions down and not let them manifest in anger. I knew what anger felt like and sounded like.
I’m now 61 years old and I’m finally recognizing and peeling that onion of anger in my gut one layer at a time. I’ve learned coping skills for the depression and anxiety that fueled my life and now, now I’m taking on the anger. I’m finding that I have to work through each layer with internal questions…why does this make me angry, what actually is happening when I’m feeling angry, how do I appropriately deal with this anger and then take action to work through it….things past and present must be quieted either by speaking up or cutting off the offending hand.
….as soon as I worked through this plan of action, I felt lighter. My first challenge is to no longer consider myself a victim. I have choices.
Until next time….
So since my dad had a heart attack on Christmas Eve of 2000 and died a week later, I’ve had to put that sadness out of my mind and just get on with it. Let’s see. That wasn’t the only Christmas Eve I spent in the E.R. With family…then there was the whole septic tank fiasco one year and had to literally move my mother and Aunt Frances into my living room because my mother had not had the septic tank cleaned out for several years and it chose to purge on Christmas Eve. In fact, just to put it out there…I didn’t get to have Christmas Day at my house on Christmas Day because my mother and mother in law had their individual selfishness about the holiday and I didn’t have the balls to go against either one. It’s not lost on me that I’m just a bitter ballerina. I regret not starting a family tradition for my kids to have Christmas in their home rather than having to keep the peace and showing up for Christmas at our mothers houses at the assigned times! I realize now that I was just trying to be the good daughter/daughter in law and trying to keep the mothers happy.
Once that wasn’t an issue, we had several good Christmases with some friends…we took turns every year. I think our mutual love for Christmas and each other healed a lot of wounds….at least for me.
I was just chatting with a girlfriend because she is starting the holiday tears ….. the 2nd Christmas coming without her mom. I told her that I haven’t had that destination Christmas shopping experience for many years….I avoid it and just shop online and quite frankly, I have no idea why I keep setting myself up for a magical Christmas? Expectation that literally bites me in the ass every single year. I have my grandson(s) now and that is the only reason I don’t just say screw it and escape to a dark cave during the season. Jax gives me hope and shares my love for preparation, decorating and being mesmerized by Christmas lights and the season. I love his appreciation for the magic and I think he is the one thing that keeps me going.
……..and before anyone brings up the catch phrase ….. reason for the season….just stop….don’t even! I got off that bus several years ago.
So, the holidays begin. Shhhhh…I need to listen and understand what my inner voice is saying.
Until next time……
Made my way into my mind’s rational room where all the figurines are placed in their appropriate place….all in a week where the skies are gloomy and the temps below average. Every morning, I tried to think of the day’s gloomy weather like wearing an oversized t shirt with my old Walmart sweatpants. Comfortable, safe and familiar as opposed to having to push myself out the door into warmth and sunshine wearing jeans, boots and a noticeable red shirt!
I’m approaching 9 months of being medication free. I’ve learned that I no longer have the option of pharm to put me in a stupor in order to not feel anything….I must recognize the signs that anxiety is creeping in day to day or actually just event to event. Perhaps I’m a slow learner or more likely I just don’t have the discipline yet to work the skills I’ve learned to ease the symptoms when they first appear?
This night time irrational anxiety is a bitch! but this week, I grabbed it with all of my strength and won again. Practice makes perfect, right?
Until next time…..
I remember when my girls were in preschool….Lollipop Lane…Grandparents were invited around Thanksgiving for a special day. My girls were lucky to live in the same town as both sets of grandparents so were accompanied by Gmas and Gpas Brown and Green. After these pre-Thanksgiving events, the girls would come home with Reindeer made out of clothespins made by the Grandparents and themselves. The same grandparents day craft event…. 6 years apart. I put all of those reindeer clothespins on the Christmas Trees for many years even after they were adults. I wasn’t even part of the craftmaking but these Christmas ornaments probably meant more to me than they did to the girls.
I received a Text message from Jenny tonight confirming Papa and Grandma were attending Grandparent Day at Preschool later this month. I, seriously, had a couple tears slide down my cheeks. I’m a Grandma. Back in the day, I really never considered the possibility that I would one day be old enough let alone actually have grandchildren. I’m ecstatic about going with Jax to preschool. An old-age rite of passage, so to speak!
Until next time….
I’ve been trying to blog for several days…in fact right now I’m trying to figure out how to put words together. I feel I need to get it out of my head so I can shut it down and reel in my anxiety.
Nothing bad has happened….life has happened….but the complication of being an empath has fueled the fires of hell in my mind. I know, intellectually, what I need to do to get a grip but I am going to have to handcuff the part of my brain that does not allow me to avoid so I can to actually accomplish it.
Without going into any detail…suffice to say that when all of a sudden those connected to you start having minor health and common mentally challenging events, I, as an empath, take on those emotions…I can’t explain it, I just feel it. If you are an empath, you totally understand, if you are not an empath, just read along.
When several minor things happen to those around you, it can be completely overwhelming and if you just go with the flow and fail to arm yourself from these growing life events, eventually the nasty overwhelming feelings take over your peace of mind. For me, that is where destructive anxiety takes over. Anxiety for me is the inability to have calm, inability to think rationally. Many times when the sun goes down, my fear and morbid thoughts rage and I’m stuck with heart racing, irrational fear of anything that could possibly happen.
I know this. I have experienced it too many times in my life not to understand it. I get complacent, I don’t use the skills I’ve learned to deal with it in the beginning. I must back away from everyone’s energy. I must fine my peace in solitude
Until next time……
Deputy Commissioner of Intelligence & Counter-terrorism of the NYPD. And Garrett from Blue Bloods 😳