So since my dad had a heart attack on Christmas Eve of 2000 and died a week later, I’ve had to put that sadness out of my mind and just get on with it. Let’s see. That wasn’t the only Christmas Eve I spent in the E.R. With family…then there was the whole septic tank fiasco one year and had to literally move my mother and Aunt Frances into my living room because my mother had not had the septic tank cleaned out for several years and it chose to purge on Christmas Eve. In fact, just to put it out there…I didn’t get to have Christmas Day at my house on Christmas Day because my mother and mother in law had their individual selfishness about the holiday and I didn’t have the balls to go against either one. It’s not lost on me that I’m just a bitter ballerina. I regret not starting a family tradition for my kids to have Christmas in their home rather than having to keep the peace and showing up for Christmas at our mothers houses at the assigned times! I realize now that I was just trying to be the good daughter/daughter in law and trying to keep the mothers happy.
Once that wasn’t an issue, we had several good Christmases with some friends…we took turns every year. I think our mutual love for Christmas and each other healed a lot of wounds….at least for me.
I was just chatting with a girlfriend because she is starting the holiday tears ….. the 2nd Christmas coming without her mom. I told her that I haven’t had that destination Christmas shopping experience for many years….I avoid it and just shop online and quite frankly, I have no idea why I keep setting myself up for a magical Christmas? Expectation that literally bites me in the ass every single year. I have my grandson(s) now and that is the only reason I don’t just say screw it and escape to a dark cave during the season. Jax gives me hope and shares my love for preparation, decorating and being mesmerized by Christmas lights and the season. I love his appreciation for the magic and I think he is the one thing that keeps me going.
……..and before anyone brings up the catch phrase ….. reason for the season….just stop….don’t even! I got off that bus several years ago.
So, the holidays begin. Shhhhh…I need to listen and understand what my inner voice is saying.
Until next time……