A post in the raw….

No…I’m not naked.

I’ve been in a total funk since Thanksgiving…This is the first holiday funk I’ve ever had…Our family kind of developed a Christmas curse several years ago…I call it a curse for lack of a better word…but magical Christmas seasons seemed to wane as the years went by…strokes, heart attacks, broken body parts and dry sockets seem to have a negative affect on joy.  This year is different..I’m not filled with the magical joy, yet wondering what curse is looming.  I am apathetic.  So be it.

I startle easily, loud unwelcome noise like “his” music can have me abundantly pissy at high noon.  At different times, my girls and I have discussed our reflexive rage or total shut down.  Jenny found a book, “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron.  I’m just into it and have found that I have many of the symptoms..will need to read further for understanding.  Being startled for no apparent reason other than someone speaking has always had me wondering what is wrong with me.  Maybe I will learn something.  While at the bookstore, I also picked up the book by Harriet B Braiker, “The Disease to Please”.  I’m in total conflict now about which one to read first…last night before falling asleep, I tried to read both…not effective.

I worked late last night trying to clear my angst about a work project…not done…but so close I can almost feel the relief of having it finished.  I came home tired, mentally shot and irritable.  I went to the bedroom early so I could watch two episodes of Housewives of Beverly Hills…those bitches love to argue about nothing..it actually made me feel better…

I’m off today – a bit of shopping – FOR ME…not Christmas shopping, therapy, lunch with Cooper then weigh in at Weight Watchers…It ain’t gonna be pretty this week.

Until next time….

Rolling with the thankfulness

Before I start, I’m very thankful.  The list starts, of course, with my immediate family, then my awesome friends and extended family which are actually one in the same…then there are the people who put spice in my life..I don’t really know them well but I like to surround myself with their personalities.  Then there are the soldiers new and old who have insured my life and safety, this country which has a lot of disfunction but it is still home of the Free and the Brave.  I’m thankful for my health and the health of my family and friends..even more aware of this thankfulness because of recent events.  I’m truly thankful for the experiences I have had in my life because they made me who I am today..I’m thankful I have the means and opportunity to therapy in order to help me sort out what is normal and what is just that huge knot in my soul caused by Helen.  I’m thankful that I”m learning to roll with it.  I’ve always given lip-service to rolling with it – but I’m really learning it now.  Accept it and move on or ruminate in it and ruin another second, minute, hour, day, year of my life. 

I use this venue a lot for my own peace of mind and sometimes wonder if I should have more filters; but, that isn’t me.  This Thanksgiving is different from the thanksgivings past.  We are doing it different.  Life events which I don’t feel I have the right to discuss publicly have caused some change.  A few years ago, I would have stressed out…not about the need for a change, but because what would Helen and Frances say and How do I smooth it over with them.  Now, I can accept change because it is reality…we must move on and make new memories…we must be Thankful for the way it used to be and Thankful that we have a new plan.  It is okay…it is life and I’m very thankful!!


So…I had one of my totally impulsive moments Thursday night at 7:25 pm.  I had been wanting to get an Ipod for a very long time….so did “he”.  I said….and “he” said…and we drove into town to Radio Shack and bought us each a little IPOD.  I am married to one of the most intelligent men that I know in nearly every subject other than making electronics work.  I lovingly recall his equally intelligent father whose life flashed 12:00 for many years on the VCR…we downloaded Itunes on our respective computers and got it all set up…(I was impressed).  I got all of my songs transferred to my IPOD because I only put songs on the computer that I love and want to listen to…unlike “HIM” who puts albums on.  He finally came around to my way of thinking and just wanted to put certain songs on his IPOD rather than his cluttered mass of songs that he doesn’t even know.  Being new to IPOD, we had not figured out how to just do a few…but I was determined so I stayed up until 0200 trying to figure it out for him and finally got to join him in slumber because I said expletive..they are just all going to go on and he can delete what he doesn’t want.

The next morning, he came into the bedroom with IPOD and ear plugs, or all they called buds now, because there was something wrong with his IPOD..his plugs/buds wouldn’t stay connected..I firmly suggested that we take the expletive IPOD back to radio shack … so we did.

As I explained to the salesman what the problem seemed to be because apparently I think “he” is mute.  The salesman asked to see the plugs/buds and was able to firmly plug them in…In total shock, I said out loud…DID YOU NOT HAVE THEM PLUGGED IN COMPLETELY…at which time I exited the store, returned to the car to  attempt to get my IPOD set up for the 3 hour journey to Kansas City.

When he got back in the car, we had a little tee heeing about the old people shouldn’t have this new fangled stuff…well, he shouldn’t have it…at that point he turned to me and said, your ear plugs/buds don’t go in your ears that way, honey, and started adjusting them properly…surprise, surprise, my ears canals aren’t tiny, I just didn’t realize they don’t go into my ear canals, damnit!!

Then…the two of us sat there in front of Radio Shack, laughing until our bellys hurt wondering if the salesman was looking out the window knowing this would be a ::rolling eyes:: story he would be telling everyone in his day about the oldsters trying out the new IPOD.

I love “him” and his gadget ineptitude…ahem…okay…I mean our ineptitude 🙂

Until next time…


I was spanked as a child…I remember the evil queen, who was also my mother, bragged about the fact that after my dad spanked me when I was little, she told him he couldn’t do it again because he spanked me too hard…and I don’t ever remember him lifting a hand to me.  I will have to say he was only home in the evenings on Tuesday and Wednesday because he worked 3-11 shift during my growing up..so I really only saw him on Tues and Wednesday nights and Saturday and Sunday mornings…I had previously prepared that excuse for the reason he didn’t protect me from Atilla.

Anyway..back to spanking.  She used to chase me down the hall swinging the yard stick when I wouldn’t practice piano or I broke something or she was just more disagreeable than normal and she couldn’t squeeze out a tear to show me how much I had hurt her…This is how I grew up…so being ignorant to real life, I thought this was the way you disciplined children…so Jenny got the hand on her bottom quite a few times until I realized I was perpetuating the myth so to speak.  (I have since apologized to her several times for hitting her and I believe she has forgiven me).  Katy got it only a few times when she desperately needed it or more likely, I needed it to relieve agression.  Spare the hand – spoil the child.

The Talk – kind of a lame discussion show modeled after the excellent “The View” – stopped me in my tracks today when they were showing video of a judge and his wife somewhere…maybe Louisiana.  The judge and his wife were beating a daughter, who by the way had a medical diagnosis, because she did something wrong.  He wasn’t spanking her – he was whipping her with something…it was horrible…I would like to personally hang him to a tree and beat him within an inch of his life…. what does that really say about me.   The show continued with a conversation about spanking with everyone throwing in the details of their child discipline…Sarah Gilbert kept driving home that this is beating your children..hitting your children…that if you hit an adult it is assault and you go to jail…woh….Holy Crap WOH…I hadn’t thought about it like that…I’ve totally reversed myself on the issue of spanking a child…there is another way to discipline a child..probably not as easy as hitting them out of frustration but much more loving and effective.

That’s my thoughts…
Until next time….