Do you board up on a horse?

Sometimes I feel like I’m on a horse with no reins. Mentally that is…it really isn’t possible for me to board a horse, get on a horse, mount a horse? The last time I threw my leg over a horse on a carousel at the carousel museum in Leavenworth, KS, I had that moment of terror….while actively mounting the fake horse….what if I can’t get on….but much, much worse…what if I can’t get off.

I am not a riding a horse person….flying across the meadow on a horse with no name seems like it would be terrifying …… although…it might be exactly what I need to do if:

  1. I could give up control physically and in my mind not try to control the outcome….ie. not worry about who will clean up the blood and carry me over the mountains to a hospital.
  2. Breath into my feelings of fear and realize that the outcome is only a scenario I’m playing out in my head based on all of the fear based thinking that has gone before as I’ve tried to prepare myself for every eventuality rather than just relaxing and being!
  3. Allow someone to help me rather than faking strong and overly competent as I’ve always done in the past. Residue from childhood of not having confidence that there were “people” to take care of me rather than me having to take care of them. *cough mother.
  • My thoughts today as I realize mom has now been gone from this life for 10 years. There are just ashes left of the past I’ve left behind. It’s all happening right now. Everything else is an illusion…..just like the illusion of the future where I see myself riding a horse with no reins across the meadow. Just like control of the horse, I only have the illusion of control in my life.
  • Until next time….
  • Pulling my teen year poems out…don’t make me do it!

    Who among us can jump into their shorts, jeans, swim suit, or pajamas everyday with both feet. I’m not talking about bragging rights of which leg we put in first as someone coined the phrase to make us all feel normal and like we belong. Actually I’m waiting for a news report with headlines saying the government is now separating us as a people by who puts their right leg in and who puts their left leg in first….and, of course can turn themselves around.

    I joined a writing group a year ago or so…I now call it my beloved writing group, Word Shine…I don’t share any of my writings yet. I have thought about pulling out some of my teen years angst poems….because they deserve it….why, you might ask. Because I learned in this group that it was possible to become more creative, which by the way is my goal, if I start using my non dominant hand to write. This technique exercising, in my case, the right hemisphere of my brain. It was also suggested that I use this “useless” hand to brush my teeth. By the way, I tried that first….no issue…I have an electric toothbrush, no small maneuvers required! SCORE

    But for,the last two weeks, I’ve been attempting to do half my morning pages with my left hand. The only thing I can tell about this practice is I’m totally screwed creatively if I use this practice as an indicator. Not only is it not legible but I cannot EVEN form letters correctly while printing. I absolutely can’t figure out how to draw a Y. Try it! Please let me know. I could use some reassurance. BTW Word Shine meeting in a couple hours, I need to dig up my old poems.

    Until next time…

    Or I’m blinded by the steam escaping from my head

    I started off my Morning Pages arguing the woulda, shoulda, coulda theory of my life. I think I’m still following “someone” else’s rules…rules that have a home in my ego….rules that I haven’t seen to fit to challenge with the board of directors in my brain!

    Today is not the first day I’ve argued that I am very content sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee, plotting death to the cicadas having the intention that I will do nothing today other than read and make notes (bulletpoint notes) about How do I go about killing cicadas).

    VS

    OMG someday I will be 80 (insert number) and I won’t be able to get around as well and I will regret the decision I made on August 9 2019 at 0900 to just do nothing…what is wrong with me that I don’t want to do anything…everyone else is out there living productive lives and here I sit on my deck doing nothing!

    There is a heepa lotta attachment here to shoulda! Then…I thought….I read a lot of books and attend classes each week on changing my thinking….quieting ego thinking and making decisions through the divine spirit in me….keeping my vibrations high, the value of meditating….and I can’t make peace with myself to be content right now…just being in the moment? Right here….right now!

    I may just be overthinking…spending too much time outside my head and letting my ego cause me to be off center and causing the energy I’m using on something that doesn’t even deserve a conversation blind me by the steam this useless activity is creating.

    Until next time….

    Right now is the only moment I have

    Because of my upbringing which I can sum up as do what you are told, no need to have a mind of your own because this is what you believe and this is what you will do, it took me a long time to realize that I was going to begin stepping out in my own direction. I still followed rules and, for the most part, laws, but I learned through experience that if you continue doing what you’ve always done and think with the same mind you used before, then you will have the exact same outcome. BUT…if you pay attention to nuances (which I now call intuition), speak with respect, do your homework and intelligently defend your case, then sometimes rules will be changed. I also learned that if the rules don’t change, you can either suck it up and follow the rules which MAY be the appropriate behavior or more likely for me, I would get mad…scream and holler in my head …. then organize like- minded individuals and go at it again…. being sure to attach some negative emotion to it so that in 20 or more years later, similar emotions about similar situations can rise up and before you know it you are overwhelmed in anger and hatred and vengeance which will probably be overblown for the situation…ie:road rage. There are many years and many experiences that have occurred before which exploded this workable problem into a full blown battle in your head. When they rise up, you will be reacting and responding the way you did 20 or more years ago to a completely different situation….the cycle just continues throughout life.

    What did I just read or hear the other day..something to the effect….you can’t fix a problem with the same mind that created it.

    My opinion as to the answer is not going to come from me in a 3 paragraph blog, or quite frankly, from me at all…I’m learning and all I can really share is what got me from there to where I am now sharing my thoughts on my blog, but I will credit the PRACTICE of meditation, the book Mastery of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr…his daddy wrote the Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

    Until next time…

    Nothing makes you feel fat like…..

    . Taking a selfie in the bright sun with a white visor, white hair and a white T-shirt…

    . Being on the downhill side of a golf cart driving horizontally on a hill looking for a ball

    . Walking up a steep hill when you’ve told the cart driver…”go ahead, I’ll walk & catch up”

    We had a good time at the golf course yesterday…his first golf outing this year…there were questions like…seriously do you think you hit it that far…..seriously, the way it sounded, I thought it went further and hmmmmm the par for that hole is 4…really?

    That’s how he spent his birthday….golfing with me riding along in the golf cart doing color commentary! I brought my IPAD along so I could read but I never want to snatch my attention away from nature and the rolling hills, hidden houses, trees and the pond on the Unity Village Golf Course.

    Until next time….

    The thing about Birthdays

    Welcome to my therapy session…With the exception of the boys-grand babies, every birthday that comes and goes, I feel a little lost….not because of everyone being a year older but birthday celebrations created by my mother are missing! I wish I could ask her why birthdays and holiday celebrations were so important to her and why she knocked herself out making everything special. Always a meal of favorite foods, a birthday cake and presents. When it came to him and the girls, I always felt she was stacking more work on me because I had to think and let her know, for each birthday, what I thought they would want the most! I, now, understand what that “burden” represented to me in our dysfunctional relationship! Was this the way she showed us love or was she playing out through us what she missed out on as a child because her mother died when she was still a child? As the matriarch of our family, have I dropped the ball? After my mother died and my girls moved around, I stopped feeling the need to make everyone’s birthday a national family holiday….does anyone else miss it? This is making me tear up and that’s how I know I must recognize the memories for what they are which is a destructive thought pattern of the past lubed up with feelings and emotions that are in the past. And the only reason they are bothering me today is because I’m not centered and I’m allowing these thoughts and emotions to appear as a reality now instead of living right here, right now…

    I’m so thankful to my mentors….and it takes a chorus of them….to teach me….or perhaps learn with me…how to live our best life today…. This post all happened because I wished the husband Happy Birthday this morning! No celebration today because our Des Moines kids drove down yesterday to surprise him and we all did dinner together at his restaurant choice. It was fun! There was love! In my heart I realize that’s all that is important!

    Until next time….

    So..after all these years I’m not lonely?

    That needle in a haystack…that feeling of loneliness that is like a thread with no knot that pulls through the eye of the needle?

    I can’t really say I never recognized the loneliness…I know it has always been there but I’ve always given it a different name and excuse…but today, TODAY I had one of those revelations that will change me.

    As an only child with older parents and with the only first cousins living 2 1\2 hours away with the youngest first cousin being 11 years my senior, I didn’t have the Facebook shared idyllic family….about siblings and cousins…but I had the absolute best neighborhood to grow up in. While so many of those neighborhood friends had siblings to share the disappointment of the street lights coming on in the summer signaling time to call it a day, for the most part I went in the house alone. But because I had Lennie (whose siblings were older and out of the house) and other neighbor kids my age, I didn’t really feel I was missing anything. The first holiday that I remembered I was a lonely, only child was when my bff roommate went camping on the 4th of July in the late 70s and I didn’t have the energy or the confidence to find something to do without her. I felt like everyone else had a fallback…there was always a sibling to glob onto.

    I surrounded myself with friends who became family during my adult years. I married into a large family that I didn’t fit into when I thought a large family would be the answer to my loneliness! But, I always enjoyed deep and fulfilling friendships….unlike many of my sibling rich friends who are recovering from their own painful broken relationships with family.

    It didn’t hit me until this morning that the silent grudge I held against my parents for not providing me with a perfect sibling nor the loneliness that I was positive I alone owned was all in my head…ego..totally controlled by what I THOUGHT was missing because I made it a thing! Had this life role I’m living played out differently, would I still feel lonely if I had blood siblings rather than my chosen friends who became family? I’m going to post this blog and then take a moment to breath into the reality that I am loved, I am exactly what I am supposed to be in this moment..because this is all there is…right here and right now.

    Until next time….

    Which daughter will take care of us in old age….

    Subtitle: steroids are bad

    The story about my youngest daughter will begin….she’s an old soul. Antiques interest her. She quilts, she does cross stitch, she taught herself to crochet, she likes to cook, she volunteers, she buys fresh flowers once a week throughout the year and places them in vases around her house…you get the picture.

    At some point in our “relationship”, I noticed she occasionally wore one of those nighttime eye masks for sleeping….and at some point (because we never discard anything), I noticed one of those eye masks in a drawer in my house…I’m pretty certain I didn’t buy it…it was probably left here or we moved it to this house 5 years ago.

    I’m on steroid medication…approaching day 5 due to bronchitis and an ear situation that wouldn’t clear on its own. The steroids make me crazy! I can’t stop eating, I can’t think straight, words like “the” are foreign to me and I can’t sleep. I found the eye mask. Ah…so if I wear this and don’t sleep all night at least I might be able to avoid the morning light peaking in around the curtains and sleep later in the morning??

    After much thought, with little clarity, I put on the eye mask before I “harnessed” up with the CPAP, put my earplugs in, felt around and found the switch for my bed side light, turned on the CPAP, hmmmm why didn’t the little light come on, jumped out of bed, felt around for the plug…it was plugged in….omg..turn on my bedside lamp, it’s not on, omg look to the left, I can’t see the orange clock numbers, omg the electricity is off, lay back down, doze off, wake up still no clock…doze again, wake up STILL no clock, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS OVER MY EYES, why can’t I see?……oh…the eye mask….silent profanity…omg the electricity hasn’t been off.

    Steroids are very bad.

    Until next time…

    Mobility

    We noticed this morning that the geese are flying. Feathers have grown back and our little goose family of 6 will be dipping their feet in other neighborhood ponds. I will miss their daily visits to the grounds below the bird feeder…but this is the time of year when I enjoy the cacophony when they are landing as they settle in for the evening back home. I’m also relieved that the 8 weeks are over and Thursday I should be released from the boot.

    The weather has cooled, the cicadas are loud, he’s picking up sticks before he mows

    And I’m just going to sit around with the breeze in my hair …. maybe finish my book “Loving Frank”. Well researched biography about Frank Lloyd Wright told from the perspective of his long time mistress, Mamah Borthwick. I’m now all up into everything Frank Lloyd Wright and making plans to visit Illinois, Wisconsin and Arizona museums and landmarks.

    But for today….I’m enjoying the view from the deck and feeling grateful.

    Until next time…

    How I tamed the voice in my head

    A couple weeks ago, he and I watched a Public Television presentation on Mindfulness. I felt for a guy named Dan Harris who was one of those unfortunate news “talking heads” who lost his….we’ll call it train of thought….during a panic attack while filling in on Good Morning America. I was introduced to the name, Dan Harris, now of ABC Nightline fame, but his story did not make or break the intent of the topic for me.

    Until.

    A couple days later, I went to my library website in order to find an audio book to fill my thoughts while making a solo 3 hour drive to Des Moines for a doctor appointment. I selected audio books and in the first of 14 pages of “available” audio books to rent was

    I inferred meaning in the find under the label of synchronicity.

    It is an excellent book…with humor, honesty and a lot of searching and/or research, Dan Harris puts it all out there as he “embarks on an unexpected, hilarious, and deeply skeptical odyssey through the strange world of spirituality and self-help….”. He met, interviewed and studied with some of the biggies in New Thought teachings….ie Eckhart Tolle.

    His experiences spoke to me throughout the book but by far it is just a good, humorous read about life and walking and chewing gum….and meditation!

    Until next time….