He is thinking about going to the front yard today, he spent time in the backyard yesterday.
I lost my dirty green sweatshirt and found it in the dirty clothes basket so I was forced to find it’s replacement…bright white
I cut my own bangs. I look twelve and this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to look younger.
We continually work on this 1,000 piece vegetable puzzle. Purple grapes had me questioning my life and my choices but made headway last night…I think we are already missing some pieces…damn cats! I think you can see the fake smiles in this picture and I notice It appears he is using his strength clutching the box to lessen his angst.
This lovely Christmas gift from the kids has become the most exciting thing in our life. When the yellow finch is dining, Rex is able to fly through the air and bump into the Window…the bird flies off and Rex gets sprayed with the water bottle which means the window is constantly wet with running drips. Of course this may be the only cleaning they get this spring. I’m way too busy.
It hasn’t been that long ago…although definitely pre pandemic time….HE was telling a story about a dinner staple when he was growing up…his mother putting a canned peach slice on a plate topped with cottage cheese. I made the well known gesture of pointing to my throat meaning “gag me” because I was reliving the same memory. My mother often dressed the pineapple or pear slice up with a slice of banana along side the masterpiece with a maraschino cherry on top.
Many decades later, during this pandemic, I found a can of sliced pears in the pantry and just happened to have some AE brand cottage cheese in the fridge. I did it. What I tasted was my past….the comfort of my past…when I took my first spoonful I realized that if my past had a taste…this was it. I have never liked maraschino cherries…in fact, I have never understood why Restaurants find it necessary to top your huge ice cream delight with a little bitty cherry on top WITH A STEM attached.
Just one of those things I was thinking about while eating my bowl of pineapple chunks and cottage cheese on this rainy day…and because we are all sheltering in place and many of us alone today, this would be a good time to comment with what your past would taste like!
My daughter sent THIS ARTICLE to me this morning. The author, Julio Vincent Gambuto, put into words what I’ve been feeling since I CHOSE to Shelter at home prior to the order being handed down from the Governor: “What has happened is inexplicably incredible. It’s the greatest gift ever unwrapped. Not the deaths, not the virus, but The GREAT PAUSE”.
There is no doubt the extreme anxiety experienced across the globe will change our lives…there will be a new normal. There is no doubt people are experiencing many different emotions from distrust of our government and each other to the deep sorrow experienced by loss of health and loss of life. Each one of us will have our own “story” to tell when this is over. I am confident everyone will not write the same narrative of events we are collectively experiencing.
I feel like a deep breath is needed. A deep breath of acceptance because there really is nothing we can do about this individually. And perhaps that is the lesson to be learned here. This is everyone…this is the population of the globe. This is different that anything I have experienced in my lifetime. Is it appropriate to say..we need this. As a society, as a country, as a world, we were living one disaster after another. We are cliques of people hating other cliques of people. We are destroying the earth one plastic milk carton at a time while having no reverence for our lands, our trees and our wildlife.
This is a huge pause. It will make a difference. We will make a difference together once we understand the rules of the game.
I am finding that this …….OMG I’m having trouble coming up with words….this sequestering….this sheltering in place has helped my dream life. Interestingly, the dreams I recall from the last few nights have starred people from my past. In other words, I wake up and don’t immediately try to remember what I did yesterday and what I need to take away from the dream!
The one dream I recall from last night involved the totally adult daughter of my friend, Kim. I haven’t seen Amber for a few years but last night she was front and center…with her camera and it seems her pictures would disappear as soon as she took them. I spent some quality sleep time trying to solve this problem for her.
Several times a day, I have to look at my watch to recall what day of the week it is. There’s no stress, there’s no forgetting things to do because there is absolutely nothing I have to do. I still have a bit of a problem with the quiet time when I get a brain shock alert, alert…oh God, what did I forget….alas, I have forgotten nothing.
Sitting in the bathroom this morning, I was contemplating toilet paper. I decided I was going to do a test and use 4 squares and see if that is adequate rather than just unrolling until it stops and ripping it off. Seems that represents a lifetime of wastefulness. I’ve always bought toilet paper in bulk from amazon and before this pandemic came along, I had restocked the closet with papertowels and toilet paper. During a Later bathroom visit today, I estimated how many rolls I have down there…maybe 30? And if we use a roll and a half a week in each bathroom, we will be good for awhile.
So that’s it…welcome to my new life…I’m guessing I could have also just described your life in captivity… I think it is actually new and improved.
We picked up our taxes this morning….the fact that we both had to be there to pick them up irritated me to no end especially since we have nothing else to do. On the way up to this “other town”, I was able to bring forth all of the angst and non angst of my 46 year “filing tax history” and how much better it always was. The one that really stuck in my craw which made me feel the best to bitch about was the fact that in years past, our attorney would do our taxes, file our taxes, mail the paper copies to us and I would send him a check. It really felt so good to be justified in my anger.
We also discussed the fact that a brand new convenience store is going in at an intersection near us. He mentioned how it will be difficult to get in and out of this convenience store because of the amount of traffic on the highway. We did feel a little better when we realized that there was a stop light at one of the egress routes but we have heard people bitching that you have to sit at that light for 10 minutes. Which we haven’t experienced but it sure felt good to feel justified in our beliefs.
Then there’s last year. The Missouri D0T had to close the main highway between us and civilization aka Lee’s Summit for a month so they could dig it up, regrade and resurface. This meant, for me, I had to go one of several different routes to get to those frequent destinations. This month long inconvenience nearly ruined my life.
…and then I realized how low my vibrations were this morning. Living in the past, talking about all of these insignificant events like they were happening now was a symptom of choosing irritation and hatred over calm and gratitude. It was not until I honed in on my thought process and how I was feeling that I realized how long I had just spent feeling angry and feeling like a victim. I will not let this seep into anymore of my day. So…a minute of deep breathing and positive, grateful affirmation.
When I write blogs, I love to get into that place where the words just have a life of their own. When I write, thoughts and words just merge into their own lanes so when I go back to read it for typos….I’m even surprised. Like today’s title….to save my life. I thought WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Oh ya…from my mother in the 1960’s!
I am embarrassed to think about how much time I have spent binge watching TV in the last few years. The old TV show, Closer, which rolled right into Major Crimes when Brenda aka Kyra Sedgwick left the show was the biggie. He and I watched episodes back to back for months. I thought about the show when I wasn’t watching it..I was consumed. Reruns of Boston Legal was before that. Let’s just say I have a binge history and I’m just not comfortable spilling the details of my varied, crazy, ridiculous addictions *cough Dog The Bounty Hunter.
Now, in the midst of sheltering at home due to the pandemic, I can find NOTHING that grabs my interest on TV. In the back of my mind I want something to sink my teeth into…instead I’ve been spending time online reading articles, I’m reading books, I’m zooming with Unity groups, I’m keeping up with Family with a daily continuous message thread and FaceTime. I’m walking everyday and I’m sleeping like a baby!
I’ve given some lip service about how I think this pandemic could change me, society, the world. Cleaning us up ecologically, forcing us to embrace the “quieting”. We can read, do projects, express ourselves in our hobbies, get out into nature and actually see, feel and hear it. Listen to ourselves in the solitude without the life distractions. When negative thoughts enter, I’m working to stop them when they darken doorway. I am what I think. Negative thoughts will run right into each other in the hallway of fear and panic. Catch them…stop them…I started saying STOP outloud, then I can focus on what is happening right here right now. Ive found it is just as possible to develop positive habits of thinking as it was negative habits of thinking!
I woke up around 5 this morning, chatted with a bestie on line, tried to read a book which I’m not finding fascinating but I feel it does enhance my language skills since I’m not talking very much. There are a few big words in it which I hope I would pronounce correctly due to the fact reading written words is much different than wrapping your tongue around them. I knew the book could not satisfy me like a good sunrise on a clear day….and then I thought…I can be at the grocery store when it opens at 7 and avoid all of the angst of people.
It was freeking depressing. There were a few cars in the lot and every person in there other than cashiers were my age and older….and everyone looking like they did exactly what I did. Grabbed clothes hanging on the end of the bed and off to the store. Depressing…because I could feel it and see it in their faces. It was a totally different experience than a trip to the store during the heart of the day or after 5 pm.
There were no smiles, no nodding of the head. They slowed down on approach and actually stopped. I considered turning my cart around and going the other way so they would be more comfortable…but I realized this would not work looking at the big picture.
I tried to avoid everyone the best I could. I kept a smile on my face, love in my eyes and blessed everyone in the confines of my life in that moment. With the frequently blasted death sentence of the corona virus, older folks are genuinely scared and we need to respect that and love them with everything we have.
……and by mental, I mean what is the story we are telling ourselves. As I wander around the house seeing things that need to be done, I tell myself I don’t really want to do them. These are the exact same things I had all kinds of excuses for back in January and February…you know….the good old days.
Now because the “powers that be” have instituted new rules to keep me safe, I feel like I’m being disciplined. This is in no way a Pollyanna commentary that everything is just fine…there is a lot of suffering. But I am trying to just watch the back-of-my-mind running narration telling me that if this was my choice….a stay at home vacation….needed down time from the busyness, I would not be complaining at all. I would be breathing in the solitude…I would be enjoying the guiltless time to read a book, catch up on TV series I had recorded, settling in for an afternoon movie. It’s not like we are without any options for our leisure time.
Is it safe to say that the angst, anger, boredom in our required downtime is more the story we are telling ourselves than reality…saying “I can’t” rather than “I won’t”. Because of the fear of “catching” the virus and the uncertainty of available health care or for me….mortality, I choose to not have any physical association with others. But if that were not a fear… I have the choice …. like so many others are doing …. ignore the rules in order to satisfy immediate gratification. Theoretically this makes it my choice!
This may be activity day for the egoic voices in my head. This thought pattern was only the first 15 minutes of coffee in my hand, on the couch, waking up….buckle up!
We…He and I….have been making our way through the Paul Selig series of books for a couple of years by taking advantage of book studies (Spirit Groups) on Thursday nights. In that group we have advanced to the Book of Mastery which is kicking my butt. He and I have also started the series over and are reading it together at 10 each morning. Some mornings we don’t get a lot read because we end up in conversation. It probably doesn’t need to be stated that either/or is ok. We are learning a lot from each other and about each other.
Last week I highlighted these paragraphs in the second book of the series, Love and Creation.
Now this has to do with constructs and self-identification, and this is important to understand. You have been told who you were ever since you were born. And you have been told what you looked like compared to other people, how you ranked on a scale of success or worth through external things; you have chosen to abide by these things as if they were real because you have moved into accordance with them, indoctrinated into them, and gone into agreement with them.
“Of course I am this, I am told I am this.” Well listen, everybody, you’ve been listening to who you were as described by others since you were old enough to comprehend the idea that you were this thing that you were told. So why not rally around this?
Because I’ve already read the Love and Creation Book and the succeeding book, Knowing and Worth, I’m learning how to work through these life domestications. It’s listening to my inner self, learning and accepting what I’m hearing and then making choices every day to heal myself! Sometimes it’s hard not to revisit when the monkey mind takes over..but I’m finding that having a “personal method” of quieting the monkeys helps me to remain in my knowing of myself.
This Science Insider YouTube video popped up very timely on my Facebook Feed. Just as we were putting groceries away. I was wiping everything down with alcohol wipes while I was lecturing my audience of one about my belief in wearing a mask in public.
As you can see by the picture, he hangs on my every word!
Thinking a lot about introverts during this nearly voluntary lockdown. So much thinking!
Ordered groceries from Price Chopper for the very first time this morning. Won’t be the last.. In my head, I assumed I would send a grocery list and would receive 1/2 what I ordered. Ahhh that good old pessimistic thinking. It was spectacular. Constant contact from my “shopper” giving me the option of approving or disapproving of any substitutes. Win/win.
Lots of on line Zoom and Facebook live messenger contacts yesterday. We were freeking busy! It was great. It was a blessing. Do not be afraid to reach out with online conversations and videos. They are easy to navigate and such a lift seeing the smiling faces of lovies!