Monthly Archives: September 2018

09.30.18
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Fear and Anxiety

I’ve been wanting to do this blog for quite awhile. I don’t know what is stopping me because in the last 11 years this blog has been a witness to world class disfunction. I’ve spilled my guts over the years for two reasons. Quite frankly, I needed it for my own therapy….write it out, Dear Diary, and heal; and the second reason is I always hope that I will connect with someone who needs to know that they are not alone. I’ve heard you!

Just for the record, I’ve been off anti depressants for 1 year and 8 months…but who is counting. I didn’t just go off anti depressants without a labor intensive backup plan! I’ve continued some in depth self healing….reading and meditating and doing positive affirmations, learning about spirituality and immersing myself in the love and acceptance at Unity Village….and I’ve also been doing some therapy with a licensed therapist who uses EMDR. Using the EMDR protocol, I’ve been able to quiet my mind and relieve my intense fear based anxiety. This treatment is used for PTSD and other flight/fight loops that occur in the brain when you don’t deal with your significant negative, fear based ‘stuff’ in a timely manner.

This treatment was foreign to me when it was suggested…and after one especially painful session, I told my therapist that I have no idea how it works but it works. So there it is. tools that are working for me.

Until next time….

09.28.18
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I think I going to fit in

My name is Rex!

I’m reasonably young …. probably around 18 months…I have long legs, short hair, beautiful eyes and while I have an annoying streak, the other critters living in this house seem to be courteous and willing to teach me the things I need to know. It’s like having 4 grandfathers. I think the humans that live here wish I would quit squeeking…but overall I seem to be moving about the house without issue…..

09.26.18
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When the apple just isn’t quite ripe…

I am pretty confident that there is something in my subconscious I’m supposed to be grasping this week. During my morning silence sitting at the kitchen table with my IPad, my phone, my coffee cup and my cat I glance out the door when I see movement, i realize that basically I SEE the same picture each time but my unfocused thoughts seem to be thrown into a box…..like Jameson’s toy box.

I notice the older couple with their white poodle every morning walking by on the walking trail and wonder if I would recognize if they stopped walking by. I think it would be more like…hmmmm…haven’t seen them walk by for awhile….wonder if they are okay…when was the last time I saw them…..

Before retirement, I was busy all of the time. I realize now that I was living life on the surface and did not spend any amount of time listening to myself….going inside in peace and quiet to figure out what I REALLY thought about things. I probably let my intuition guide me but I wasn’t aware that it was my intuition….I just thought I had a rapid fire brain that would guide my thoughts while on the fly.

It seems that now I’m listening to myself, I think things through, I seldom make decisions impulsively and I live a reasonably peaceful life until someone else stirs the air around me. That’s where this nagging subconscious air is stirring. What am I supposed to be hearing….I am unsettled….I’m doing and I’ve done a lot of personal searching to find this contentment but I feel I’m starting to realize I need to be doing something for humanity. I guess I will have to keep listening….it will float it and nudge me when it lands on my shoulder.

Until next time…..

09.25.18
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Rex…..subject to change

While in our vets office a couple weeks ago, I saw the picture of a cat on the bulletin board that needed a home. He was an 8 year old cat who had been turned into an Independence Vet Clinic because the young owner could not take him when she relocated.

I had a gut feeling it wouldn’t work as soon as I met him but we brought him home for a week….it didn’t work…he was an “only” cat who controlled one owner and was scared out of his ever livin’ mind. And he tried to establish dominance with our A cat….my cat….and there is no way that was going to work. The Prince, Baxter:

I bring all of this up now because He and I had been talking about getting a kitten before I made that fateful trip to the vets office and broke the rules about looking at the bulletin board.

A week later, my across the street neighbor, (D)..critter rescuer…..asked if I had seen the stray cat hanging around her house *cough…food and water on the porch. A very young cat….not a kitten. So I was out at night after dark checking on him with my iPhone flashlight because I was worried about him because of the Fox/coyote situation.

So….D and I…working with one brain decided he needed to be neutered so as not to spread his seed, so to speak, I didn’t want a bunch of stray kittens to worry about because I wouldn’t get any sleep at night.

To make a long story short, D was able to corral the little darling this morning and I just dropped him off at the vet to be neutered and a rabies shot……and then He and i decided on the off chance *cough probability, that we keep him, we should have him wormed….oh…and I named him Rex.

Pictures at a later date.

Until next time…..

09.21.18
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Uncovered another “thing” while kayaking

As life goes….as I’ve learned in therapy….as I’ve uncovered in myself as I embrace new thought, my life as far back as I can remember has been guided by fear!

Over the years, I’ve done some brave and, what some might call, crazy or fearless things which I would say do not meld (for lack of better word) with the belief that I am guided by fear. I think in a subconscious way, I embrace these challenges in order to work through my fear but I’m positive this insight did not knowingly have a bearing on my decisions at the time.

I do not swim very well, in fact I’ve never known if I knew how to swim well enough to save myself….and quite frankly I have a fear of the water….no doubt thanks to my mother who feared everything. Keeping that in mind, I have an incredible desire to be in a boat on the water…we’ve owned a pontoon and two sailboats and now kayaks.

Last weekend for the first time, we took them to the River…the Niangua….for a a maiden 4 hour ….cue Gillians Island music….River voyage. Before I actually got completely on the River, I was personally completely in the river. Within the first hour we had to go around a sand bar where two guys were fishing and because of swirling water and Lack of experience, I got too close to the steep bank and turned it over again! Once I recovered and was helped back in by said fishermen, we were off again.

It was fun, I learned technique, I relaxed, I felt the sun on my body, i experienced the beauty of nature a way I had never seen it before. But the one thing that sticks in my mind was when, as we were floating down the river, he yelled back and said…so did that experience scare you? NO. It did not scare me. I would like to figure out why it didn’t.

Until next time….

09.01.18
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Notably

Minnesota is a large state. While sitting in an AmericInn lobby this morning drinking my coffee and eating an English muffin, I found out that while Minnesota is large by area it only ranks 12th out off 50….and the state cannot brag about water area either (see last column in screen shot). so that land of lakes is probably notable for the amount of lakes within its boarders not the actual area or volume for that matter.

The AmericInn runs Fox News on their lobby TV 24/7. While I’m not sure right now if this is staff or Corp policy. It does make a difference to me….and while they have every right to have their TV turned to any channel they support…this has an impact on me and my choices where I spend my money when I require lodging.

Saw this in a bookstore.

Wish I had written it. Would like to spend more time on the North Shore to perhaps collect facts in order to write a book about it….or at least spend a lot of time at the North Shore collecting facts and then make a decision.

Today is our 39th anniversary! In order to stay married this long, you have to embrace the fact that marriage can be damn hard and overcoming the bad times is what makes it work for 39 years! I received a piece of advice early on…most successful marriages work because of the commitment portion..commitment is what makes you work through the tough times because inevitably you don’t like each other 100 percent of the time and the trick is to not dislike each other at the same time. Happy Anniversary to Him!

Until next time….