Monthly Archives: October 2018

10.30.18
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Halloweeeeen full disclosure

I used to pay these two off NOT to go trick or treating although NOT until the age that they knew what $10 would buy at Walmart…. Kind of a family dirty secret *OMG, seriously? Yes, seriously $10 bought more in the 80s and 90s than now.

Growing up in Iowa, we went door to door asking for candy on Beggers Night. Not actual Halloween. That’s just dumb, Iowa. It was not until we moved to Missouri that I found out that kids solicit candy and pulverize pumpkins in the middle of the street on the actual Halloween. Having a separate beggers night meant that parents really had no idea without asking by calling 911 or just somehow “hearing” what night kids trick or treat. And I wasn’t kidding…there are a lot of inconsiderate and quite frankly selfish people out there. 911 where is your emergency? Uh YA I got a question when is beggers night.

Sometime in the 60s….some of you will recognize yourselves…I learned at the baptist church where my parents did their Sunday drop off and pickup, that if you celebrated Halloween you were worshipping the devil…so somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I always thought I was doing something wrong dressing up and celebrating the devil. That and learning that all of my dead grandparents were up in heaven watching me and knew when I was doing something wrong. But that’s another blog topic.

I’ve never been to a costume party although I do know how to talk the talk about my excitement to do it. My old soul grandson is not big on knocking on strangers doors after dark and asking for candy…which is actually the logical way to look at it considering we scare the crap out of our kids with strangers danger and having manners by not trespassing.

Some of my friends love Halloween and everything about it. I have now officially come out with with truth and I am guessing this will have no effect on our relationship other than a possible side conversation *did you know Nina is a Halloween hater….no, me either!

So there you have it….nothing positive to say but thanks for going down that rabbit hole with me.

Until next time….

10.27.18
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Last days Bennett Spring 2018

This particular spot on the stream is my holy place.

Spent many mornings on a bench here watching Phil, Brett and Brett’s dad, Rex gracefully lay their fly lines gently on the water over and over. Its beautiful to watch. This is sacred space for me….peaceful, quiet and a place where I can connect with loving spirits.

Until next time….

10.23.18
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From the south, there are two roads to Lead Mine Country Store

There is the easy, yet curvy blacktop. Then there is the road less traveled …the dueling banjos road. When we turn off 64 highway onto the gravel, I get a little lightening bolt of excitement because the roads are gravel, narrow, curvy, washed out and not very populated but they are the most beautiful backroads during the fall! Pictures never do justice but here’s a few I snapped.

The Lead Mine Country Store is packed full of everything you might need to live a clean, healthy Amish, Mennonite, off-the-grid lifestyle. In the back of the store is a small restaurant serving homemade food…cash and check only…no credit cards, no internet signal and no cell phone service. They speak with what I assume is a german-Amish accent which is pleasing to my ear. During the meal, I enjoyed listening to the two girls conversing and singing to themselves but just a little out loud.

Until next time….

10.23.18
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I woke up to 45 degrees this morning at Bennett Spring…

Of course it was 8:30. I have no idea how cold it got last night but we are sleeping under a sheet and 3 blankets so it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is the rolling out of bed shower….that fear when I step into the shower wishing there was a foolproof way to check the gas level in the tanks. Knowing the water heater doesn’t hold a lot of water, last October trip I stepped in and started rinsing before the hot water reached the shower area as i always do … ya…it’s cold but I knew when the hot water got there it would be divine!….the temperature of the water did not change…so then I was really cold AND wet.

Absolutely perfect autumn day in southern Missouri. Leaves are not peak color yet but they are beautiful.

Started the day meditating along the stream.

Watched the bald eagles on the Niangua

He found a couple sticks and made me walking sticks for hiking the trails today, saved $17.99.

He sketched while I read

Took a drive after supper “somewhere” we didn’t have an Internet or cell signal and only nearly one and a half lane roads but we found a Missouri crossing type “bridge” over the beautiful Niangua River

Until next time….

10.20.18
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Empath

Once I started doing the work. Once I started listening to my inner self. Once I realized that therapy was not the end all for a peaceful life. Once I was introduced to the possibilities, I started changing….I started reading books and listening to the people close to me who had a different outlook on living the best life for themselves. Once I calmed down and realized that many of my opinions, behaviors, prejudices and judgements were not really mine but belonged to the people who either shaped me in my childhood or were learned from my emotionally fearful peers, I started figuring out where my bottom line of recovery needed to start. I do not believe that this learning ever stops. I believe that just because you KNOW, you are just on a different path…but I don’t think I will ever really KNOW in this lifetime.

One of my first ah ha moments was when I read an article about being an empath. I teared up recognizing myself in the words. It resonated with me…I was in my knowing. I knew I was an empath. This morning a Facebook friend shared This empath article. Which sent me to my dear diary blog to document my thoughts….and share it with someone else who may need the insight or nudge.

Until next time…..

10.18.18
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Those human qualities

It hasn’t been that long ago that I “mentally” attacked the woman who held up the line in the checkout at the grocery store counting her pennies, checking every grocery sack before she put it in the cart and then left her shopping cart sitting in the middle of the parking lot rather than walking two cars down and putting it in the corral. I mentally insulted her with my thoughts about her buying a case of diet Dr Pepper and the fact that her shirt wasn’t long enough in the back to cover her caboose.

This event has played several times in my head since it happened because I knew I needed to think through my reaction realizing that my irritation level and my anger at this woman was blown out of proportion relative to the experience. I, now, have a pretty good idea why this triggered me …. it would have to do with my embarrassment and irritation watching my mother behave in a similar way as this woman. I loathed the way my mother treated other people with smugness and disrespect depending on how she perceived their station in life.

I have found that the first step is recognition realizing what triggers me from my past. At this point, I really believe that when we behave badly or disrespectful whether it be in our thought process or actually follow through with hurtful, angry or self absorbed verbal comments, we are really reacting to our own insecurities which triggers behavior, perhaps, learned in our upbringing.

Working through this scenario in my head is part of my continuing process of becoming more loving, kinder and more mentally positive in my everyday life. And these little blips of our humanity are just that….little insignificant blips.

Until next time…

10.17.18
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Attachment string cutting….

What would I be doing with my life had we not moved away from everything we knew…”everything” referring to familiarity and perceived comfort. I know that I am a lot more comfortable in my skin now. This could be geographical location and opportunities or job burnout and dysfunctional thinking which “caused” depression and anxiety after 30 years of liking AND despising my 911 career choice. The story I told myself was that “good” people die and “bad” people circle the drain continuously. I know for a fact that any change in the story of my life would mean that I wouldn’t be me

I wonder how different my life would be today if I had been lucky enough to have more than one living grandparent while I was growing up or if my parents had been younger models and if I had shared early life with at least one sibling. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be me!

I wonder how different my life would be if the friends I invited to have a seat in my life had not died or geographically or emotionally moved away…I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be me.

I’m learning from Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr in Mastery of Self…”An attachment is the action of taking something that is not part of you and making it a part through an emotional or energetic investment”. “Most people not only attach to their wants and desires as they relate to material things, but also to their beliefs and ideas. Although an attachment is something that can occur naturally in the moment, it becomes unhealthy when you lose the ability to detach from it when the moment ends or when the belief no longer reflects the truth. In many ways, attachment to beliefs are far more destructive than attachments to external items, because beliefs and ideas are much harder to spot and let go of.”

Until next time….

10.11.18
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Color

I’ve heard Time and time again how music can lift us out of the doldrums….and it’s true, slap headphones on or ear buds in and my mood will change. I think I intuitively know what genre I need at the moment for my soul.

Color is my other thing. In my home, I’ve tried the soft, neutral palette and I’m just not satisfied. Earlier in the week when I placed the poured paint picture I did for the kitchen, I felt homey and comfortable in my aqua kitchen,

I “consciously” know that growing up in the 60s and 70s we had aqua appliances …….. refrigerator, stove top, oven and sink….when harvest gold and brown were in style. I think subconsciously, when we moved into this house, painting the kitchen aqua had a comfort effect on me.

…..and my newest craft hobby…paint pouring…fills my color need. So many beautiful colors coming together and causes my brain to pop with joy. This week’s favorite:

I think my trial and error period with small canvas is finished…bring on the 11 x 14!

Until next time….

10.09.18
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Just a hair shy of 10 inches

The last time I recall rain irritating me this much was a year ago April….Suzy was down for her birthday and we had to sit in the house all weekend because IT WOULDN’T STOP RAINING. We finally drove over to the Kansas side to a Greek restaurant with a belly dancer and Moscow mules…..even though I seldom drink, I had a feeling the Moscow mules would help! That was the weekend before a spring trip to Bennett Spring which had received even more rain so we had to cancel because the campground was flooded and I was irritable!

I’m struggling with positive personal affirmations today as I sit at the table surrounded by gloomy skies that look like more rain…we are out of the drought because of the nearly 10 inches of rain that fell in a couple days. I think this calls for some positive affirmations…quietly sending them out into the universe….

  • We needed a good bath to wash the slimy, ugliness that has permeated the news.
  • Our grounds and streams and plants and trees will thrive with the moisture
  • I lift up those struggling with wet basements and houses and businesses under water
    When the clouds part, I know the sun will feel warmer, brighter and bigger; I know how this works….
  • While I’ve been writing this, it has started misting again. I realize I need to take some action and make an effort to control something I have the illusion I can control….like the cats!
  • Until next time…
    • 10.05.18
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    Was it an earthquake? No just Rex!

    I have rules about the inner sanctum…also known as my craft room. 1) no cats 2)not a playroom AKA just another place to leave toys. as you can see by the picture above, Rex was waiting for an invite before he entered the room…uh, NO!

    When I opened the door this morning, I noticed paint bottles littering the floor and upon further investigation all of the little stuff on the shelf was now laying on the day bed including the quilt my daughter made for me….whaaaat? Seriously what happened?

    Every scenario went through my mind except that a cat had snuck through the ceiling into the closet and because there is no ceiling yet, he was able jump into the room….and then exit by jumping up on the shelf and through the hole above the wall to the next room.

    So…He initiated Plan B….ya. all of the holes are covered, most just reinforced with a second piece as we had already been down this road with the scaredy cat we were unable to adopt last month. That kitty only made it over to the drop ceiling over the bathroom to hide. Rex’s life seems to be one adventure after the other. cat vs us. I know who isn’t going to win!

    Until next time..