Leaking fluid

This is big!

Tonight while watching the memoriam Oscar tribute, I teared up.  Jennifer Anniston’s sniffle made my nose get that little burn just before you know it’s going to happen and then tears…for something sentimental and sad ON TV!  It has been quite awhile since that has happened.  It was so refreshing!  I also pounded my flat hand on the bed last night while I laughed hysterically and snorted while we watched Life in Pieces that we had recorded.  I’m starting to feel stuff and it feels fresh.

I thought Jimmy Kimmel pulled out a win tonight while mc’ing the Oscars. I read  some sour things on Twitter about it but I thought it was one of the most enjoyable I’ve ever watched.  There were some amazing dresses and I can only think of a couple that I wondered WTH was she thinking.

I’ve been reading the ❤ Anderson Cooper/Gloria Vanderbilt book!  It’s okay.  Was expecting more Anderson but it is more son bringing out Mom’s story than anything.  It’s worth a read on a lazy ice tea and sunshine kind of day.  I download books from my local public library then read them on the app, Overdrive…a lot of free bang for  no buck!

Excited to experience what life is going to throw at me next week.

Until next time….

We need an epidemic of compassion

Since He and I have been married we have been CBS folks.  I think he grew up with CBS, while my family watched NBC which included WHO in Des Moines.  Who?  That never gets old.  Since the days of black and white TV, the news companies have multiplied like rabbits with all of the “fake” news channels.  Personally I think the only fake news channel begins with the first letter of fake.  But, my opinion/my blog.  Actually personal preference of news channels seems to be as wide and personally guarded as our favorite colors in the rainbow.  I learned a long time ago, to not dare criticize someone’s news preference….well except FOX (because remember my opinion/my blog).

I always tolerated (barely) Dan Rather when he anchored the evening news.  Now that he is an outspoken internet contributor and seems to hate the same things in our world that I do, I have grown to admire him.  As long as I don’t have to listen to his voice and see that tear in his eye after the frequent gut wrenching final story of the night.  I didn’t know if he was really sensitive or going for female ratings…..anyway

Enter Scott Pelley on CBS.  Let me lead by saying I heard that he is ripped.

I really get into his delivery of the news.  Every now and then, he looks a touch  effected by the last gut wrenching story.  I like him and I like his voice and for some reason I trust him.  Tonight he sealed the deal for me after the last gut wrenching story when he said “compassion is contagious”.    Wow….not to be Debbie Downer but hatred is also contagious, obviously.  But those words really hit me.  COMPASSION IS CONTAGIOUS.  We must be willing to do everything we can to get close to it and catch it.  We must!

until next time….

Sharing a lot, I know

If you have been reading my blogs recently, you understand that I have chosen to discontinue my use of antidepressants.  I began taking them 15 years ago after the death of my dad.  I had been experiencing some mild anxiety and depression for several years before that but his death sent me over the edge.  Since then, I have taken 6 or 7 different antidepressants…who can keep track.  The reason for so many switches was because some would work for a time and then seem to fizzle out sending me into daily crying and a lot of other feelings I won’t go into now. Also I gained over 90 pounds.    medications and lifestyle?  I believe that the meds kept me from spending my days crying but they also numbed me and I already had an unfortunate relationship with food.

Finally I found celexa….I thought I had finally found the cure.  We both retired, moved to Missouri and I felt I was getting it together, I dropped 60 pounds wanted to get out and walk and wanted to be healthy.  But then, damnit, late last summer I felt I was losing ground…gained some weight, was having crying jags and anxiety was my middle name.  dr doubled my dosage.  Crying stopped but so did everything else.  I could not get off the couch to do anything.  No interest in traveling or being sociable and I could not think.  Sometimes I could barely finish a sentence because I couldn’t think of words.  Another trip to the doctor and a new prescription, Cymbalta.  The worst one ever!  High anxiety, insomnia and felt I was spinning out of control.  After nearly 4 weeks, I decided I was wasting my life drugged and I was going to get off of this ridiculous roller coaster.  so, I decided to detox.  Well holy shit, Nina, hang on you haven’t seen anything yet.

I’m sharing my story because I’ve talked to a few people who have their own story to tell about their pharmaceutical nightmare and are desperately seeking relief.  I started reading, how-to, other blogs of folks who have bitten the bullet, how to withdraw with the least amount of agony etc.  if you don’t know and/or want to know, read back a few blogs.  It’s been HELL.  Before I tell you how I did it, I want to tell you that you can do it.  I really can’t think of one pleasant piece of advise other than buckle up!

I started weening myself on a Friday night, Feb 10 because I was back in Des Moines to enjoy a girls weekend.  I knew that I would not be able to keep a schedule and have a good time if I took the cymbalta.  So didn’t take the pill on Friday night.  did pretty well until evening on Saturday night approximately 44 hours since the last dosage.  Took away some of the weird head experiences I was having and I was able to drive back to KC on Sunday.  Sunday night I felt I had to take one… lots of I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t.  Really got serious Monday night and decided to ride it out and made it exactly 48 hours between doses…I kept a semi log of what I was feeling….constant movement in my brain accompanied with brain zaps.  These are like electric shocks in the brain that would occasionally fire.  I knew to expect this from what I had read…but I was back and forth between I can’t do this and yes I can.  Got 3 hours longer between doses the next time and lost track …. took them every other night trying to make it a little longer each time.  Until Saturday.  Ended up in the ER Saturday for a whole host of reasons…dehydration. Low potassium etc etc.  Saturday night I was on the warpath and committed to NOT ANOTHER PILL. so here I sit tonight 6 days after going cold turkey.  the brain zaps are gone, I think I only experienced the weird brain movement a few times today.  I have clarity like I haven’t experienced in years, I’ve been active…actually wanting to get out of the house and participate in my own life.  I expect each day from here, to get more of me back…I have hope.

Ending. I have two things to say…if you need to be on anti depressants, don’t hesitate…they probably saved my life back in 2001.  If you know that you must get off of them, try to taper dosages down over weeks…cold turkey is not the way to go…it is a very bad experience…but most important YOU CAN DO IT.  Don’t let the Internet scare you and I’m more than willing to talk you down and talk you through it.  All you have to do is ask!  

Until next time…..

Pretty much a day in paradise!

With temperatures toppling the previous high for today, I got outside.

Got a call from doctor…biopsy was negative…but she is recommending removal of an intraductal papilloma in the somewhat near future.  I have a little time to breath before I do it.  It’s  outpatient surgery….

Took a walk with my nearly 4 year old Jaxon.  The fun part for him was picking up sticks along the way in the neighbor’s yards.  Like Grandma and Papa don’t have enough sticks of their own

Another walk after the beautiful sunset

And now catching up on Y&R and other shows I’ve missed in the last few days.  

Life is good!

Until next time….

I can’t make this stuff up!

Today is Day 4 of being off antidepressants.  After the day on Saturday, I chose to just cold turkey the rest of the detox.  I have been still doing mostly fluids but have added in some boiled eggs, saltine crackers and bananas to slowly get my intestinal tract ready to accept more food.  Last night, Katy made me a baked chicken breast with some spices and a scant amount of spinach and tomatoes.  I tolerated it really well….and I swear it was the best chicken breast ever.  Why were we at Kate’s in Iowa last night you might ask?

He and I and Frannie drove up to Iowa Monday morning  for what we thought was going to be just a turnaround trip.  The radiology department had  called saying they needed a couple more pictures after my mammogram a few weeks ago.  Just a couple more pictures they said and maybe an ultrasound….yes definitely an ultrasound….then the doctor comes in and tells me there seems to be a papilloma aka small wart behind the nipple and we need to do a biopsy in the morning.


So at 9am, I was numbed, ultrasounded again, had 3 specimens removed, a titanium seed introduced to mark the work, another mammogram and released.  I laughed a little harder than warranted when the mammo tech told me I could go…she walked me to the hallway…said, do you see the door by those windows…you can exit there….then RUN as fast as you can!  I will never forget this woman for realizing I needed a humor charge for what I had been through!

We are finally back home!  Results from the biopsy should be available tomorrow.  I am virtually painless, no head zings and very little movement feeling in my brain.  I’m better today than yesterday and forward progress and thankfulness is what it is about!

Until next time…..

Someday when you are a little older

I will tell you about my trip to the ER.

The high points less than 12 hours after the event:

Anti depressant withdrawal…introducing 10 mg of citalapram into my system to ease the cymbalta withdrawal.

A liquid only diet for 3 days to treat diverticulitis.

Introducing one 500 mg of the antibiotic Cipro

Introducing various other herbal suppplements and essential oils to assist with withdrawal.

Copious amounts of sugar in juices.  These are probably not copious amounts to sugar addicts but to someone who has been off sugar for the better part of 2 years….ya

What happened:

Oh darn I wish  I could remember the technical name but I passed out, copious amounts of sweating, while laying on the floor, vomited many, many times into Frannies bowl which was handy.  vomited is probably too nice a word.  I f-Ing dry heaved into frannies bowl because there was nothing in my stomach.  Everything.  I mean everything was in slow motion.  I was incapable of staying present as I would float away, I was reminded innumerable times to breath in and out in the ambulance….I didn’t even feel the large stick they inserted in my vein for anti nausea medication.  When the severe panic attacks hit, it was only HIM who sat by me in the emergency room keeping me focused on my breathing, bringing me back again and again from total freak outs.  Finally the saline  going into my arm brought me around.  I felt liquid in my dry parched throat, my sinus started to flow and I came back to life.

Through it all, I decided I am even more determined to beat this monster!  Oh and by the way, headed back to Des Moines tomorrow for more views on my mammogram.  Over the last 5 years, this will be the third time I’ve been called back for MORE VIEWS!!!!  

It’s important to recognize that I have been able to bring my 30 year habit of cursing as a dispatcher back to my vocabulary!

Until next time…..

Rice crispies

This is just a guess, but I doubt there is anyone sitting on their deck with temps in the 70s wearing socks, sweatpants and a hoodie

I have more movement in my head than the wake from the geese swimming across the pond with frequent episodes of rice crispy snap, crackle and pop!  After 15 years and more to the point the last month, trying to adjust anti depressant prescriptions and dosages, I committed on my drive home from Des Moines last weekend to detox and get off the f-ing things and that was the exact words I used!

Nothing in my life is the same as it was when my dad died in 2001 and I started down a painful, weeping path. over those 15 years I have been on 7 different antidepressants…every time I wanted to go off of them I had a white coat discourage me from accomplishing this because of what they call suicidal ideation and my inability to quit crying.  What I know now after hours of reading is that these are normal detox symptoms and not one doctor gave me encouragement or a path to accomplish this goal.  Up the dose or change the poison.  Until I explained my plan to Dr DAvis at the little Pleasant Hill Medical Clinic.

To complicate this difficult detox process, I also have diverticulitis.  I knew what to do and put myself on a liquid only diet for nearly two days, swallowed essential oils, drank aloe Vera juice and continued the process.  It’s a lesson I needed at the right time.  I’m a tough old girl!

I prepared Him for what I thought would be hell this month….inability to think, head zings and irritability.  I am only a week in but feel like I’m going to be okay….maybe this isn’t the worst to come….it’s not pleasant…but it’s not the worst thing I’ve had to deal with.  I have committed 3 months to detox and figure out who I am with a clear mind.

Until next time…..

Being the favorite

Does wanting to be the favorite drive to achieve or is it a sign of insecurity.  This thought started bubbling around in my head while sitting in an epson salt and soda bath this morning.  Actually it was born while reading Facebook this morning…a comment relating to favorites.  In the past, the desire to be favorite drove me hard in my friendships and my career.  If I wasn’t the favorite, I was not trying hard enough.  

I was probably my dads favorite…a close race between his mother and me.  I think he would have pulled me out of a burning car first.  My mother….ya…not so much…the dog was by far the favorite, then my aunt-her sister then herself…I have no idea where my dad and  I fit on the favorite scale but when you know you are below the aforementioned you just give up.  Thankfully I had no siblings because my psych would have been messed up…*rolling eyes! 

I’ve obviously never been my own favorite because I’ve never been good enough….and there you have it….from the hot steam of the bath.  Lennie told me epson salts would release toxins!

Until next time….

Pulling out of the parking lot

Had a totally amazing, loving girls weekend!  We ate well, shopped especially well, laughed, reminisced, cried and totally connected. I see Susie frequently but haven’t spent quality time with Lennie since we were kids and I was so surprised at how much alike we are….I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if we spent a lot of time together, our daughters would have to come up with bail!  One little event which keeps me giggling….at one of the exits off the interstate there is a LOT of dried grass with really cool tops on them.  As we were driving by, I said wow I want to stop and cut some of that off to take home…Lennie said yes ….Susie said no…I don’t want end up on Channel 13 news when they post the mug shots.  JUst like when we were as kids!

The pictures above are my two old stained glass windows I got from Lennie’s sister house and we are going to put them in the windows in my house.  They actually came from an old house her nephew bought in Kansas City.  

She told me she had them after I admired the stained glass windows at West End Salvage in Des Moines.  In case you are familiar with West End Salvage from the one season it was a featured show on HGTV.  The head guy who is now referred to as The Sexy Guy #Susie was willing to pose for pictures with all 3 of us.

Also….I got this cool flag with 48 stars.  I didn’t notice until I got home that the date 1947 was written in pencil on the bottom stripe.

As far as pulling out of the parking lot…..I pulled out of the Jasper County Sheriff parking lot….as an employee….for the last time 3 years ago today…..and never looked back!  Happy 3 years retirement to me ❤💫

Until next time….

Girls in the neighborhood

Once upon a time Marvin and Helen, Wendell and Neva and John and Lennise chose to move into Valley High Manor…a housing area near east city limits of Des Moines.  This is where the 3 couples chose to raise their families which included Nina Sue, Susan Jean and Lennie Rae.  As life happened, those who know these girls as women do not use their middle names but these girls as women still refer to each other lovingly with the middle names included.  I snickered to myself tonight when I heard Susan call Lennie….Lennie Rae.  It felt comfortable, it felt right and it felt loving.

It’s a girls weekend in Des Moines for the three of us….we grew up together, played together, road bikes together, fought with each other and now that we are “old ladies” it doesn’t feel like we have been apart for years and years…just didn’t go to the same parties over the last few years.  But we still have the connections of our childhoods, know each other’s family secrets, and connect on memories that happened over 50 years ago.

Vaping outside Susie’s house tonight before bed, I looked down the hill at my old house in the neighborhood and Lennies house the next one down and felt a peacefulness wondering what happening in the universe that brought these couples to the same neighborhood, on the same street at roughly the same time.  I’m so thankful for “us”

Btw…a life size James Dean in Lennie’s basement scared the crap out of me as I walked around the corner….and as young teenagers do, we did this!

Until next time….