It is just so complicated

Most of my anger died in August and October of 2009.  I gave my mother and my aunt the power to ruin my life… I had so much anger in my blood that I KNEW when the two of them stopped breathing that I would finally be able to begin my life in my way, with my thoughts, thinking the way I want to and freely just being me.  I KNEW it.  What I don’t know is why I didn’t take my life away from them many years ago when I was young, had kids at home, when I should have been enjoying life rather than dreading life.  No one, with the exception of 2 to 3 people know how much I hated those two women..Hate…strong word…Hated!  I’ve started seeing a therapist again to help me get over it…to help me totally give it up…to help forget and probably most importantly to forgive.

My big question.  I try to forgive but I don’t think I accomplish it.  I always try to think that they did what they knew..they were totally messed up by something..there may have been a bad gene in there too..but I try really hard to forgive them…I want to forgive.  I know that I won’t totally heal until I can forgive.  Maybe I have forgiven..if I have, does that mean I won’t hate them anymore?

I always tried to distance myself from them but the manipulative control was too strong…now I feel I couldn’t be more opposite than they were…I try hard…will bittnerness go away when I forgive…is that how I will know?

I have trouble blogging now other than one liners because this is where I am inside my head.  Everything just seems too complicated. If I start thinking about something I want to blog, I back away because it just seems too complicated to type out whether it is positive or negative.  I want no complications…I want no drama…I want no negative to creep into my life…when it comes toward me – I back out and go the other way.

That is where I have been and where I am…