It is just so complicated

Most of my anger died in August and October of 2009.  I gave my mother and my aunt the power to ruin my life… I had so much anger in my blood that I KNEW when the two of them stopped breathing that I would finally be able to begin my life in my way, with my thoughts, thinking the way I want to and freely just being me.  I KNEW it.  What I don’t know is why I didn’t take my life away from them many years ago when I was young, had kids at home, when I should have been enjoying life rather than dreading life.  No one, with the exception of 2 to 3 people know how much I hated those two women..Hate…strong word…Hated!  I’ve started seeing a therapist again to help me get over it…to help me totally give it up…to help forget and probably most importantly to forgive.

My big question.  I try to forgive but I don’t think I accomplish it.  I always try to think that they did what they knew..they were totally messed up by something..there may have been a bad gene in there too..but I try really hard to forgive them…I want to forgive.  I know that I won’t totally heal until I can forgive.  Maybe I have forgiven..if I have, does that mean I won’t hate them anymore?

I always tried to distance myself from them but the manipulative control was too strong…now I feel I couldn’t be more opposite than they were…I try hard…will bittnerness go away when I forgive…is that how I will know?

I have trouble blogging now other than one liners because this is where I am inside my head.  Everything just seems too complicated. If I start thinking about something I want to blog, I back away because it just seems too complicated to type out whether it is positive or negative.  I want no complications…I want no drama…I want no negative to creep into my life…when it comes toward me – I back out and go the other way.

That is where I have been and where I am…

2 thoughts on “It is just so complicated

  1. I am glad you’re seeing a therapist. I bet it’s nice to have someone you can be completely honest with. You are a wonderful lovely person Nina. 


  2. I am so sorry that your freedom could not have come sooner.  I don’t know the answers to your questions, I suppose you will have to work through it to know.  I have really missed you here.  And I don’t say that to make you feel bad but to know that you are loved so if blogging is too difficult, don’t do it.  I’d rather not have you here if it makes life harder.Look forward.  You have a great family, friends who think the world of you and a wonderful life now.  You can’t change the past but you can enjoy this moment.  


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