Stuck

Being “stuck” in the house because of the below zero windchills has given me cabin fever. Being stuck in the house because I choose not to go outside is much different that living on a country road in Iowa in the middle of winter when I was literally stuck in the house for days because of snow drifts on gravel roads which were the last to be plowed. Say what you will about living in the country during the spring, summer and fall…but winter is Hell. There is no other word for it. As I look out the window today with a couple inches of snow piled on the deck furniture, streets are plowed and I was able to use a broom to remove the dusting of snow from the short sidewalk to the driveway, I should be able to live in the moment and just be thankful for my lifestyle changes. I don’t know why i can’t just let go of the dissatisfaction of the past life and live in peace?

There are different schools of thought…one side says do some talk therapy or figure out why you are really angry….is it the matter at hand or is it dissatisfaction with something else….like your job, etc that you are not dealing with. The other school of thought, the one I attempt, is to be thankful…..just stop living in the past. It takes discipline. It is a completely different way of thinking for me.

So, I continue to work on gratitude. Today, I’m thankful for Baxter who sits on the table with me waiting for a squirrel to run by on the deck

I’m thankful to hear cartoons in the background because Jaxon is here, I’m thankful hearing the sleeping sounds of Jameson sleeping on Papas lap. I’m thankful that there is nothing in my life causing me any stress or pain right now. I’m thankful that I cognitively realize that I have so much to be thankful for and just need to stop with ruminating on the past.

Until next time…..

I have another one of those unbelievable stories

Back in the 60’s my mother was a legal secretary for a law firm in Des Moines.  I was probably about 8 or 9 when Linda came into our lives as a high school girl hired to work part time in this law firm basically under the tutelage of my mother. Linda had a strong connection with my mother and visa versa.  Linda came to our home – mom taught Linda how to make peanut brittle – Linda was part of the conversations I heard at home.  My mother and I went to Linda’s parent’s home…lots of vague memories stored in my memory vault.  Linda got married and left the law firm and my mother, for the most part, lost contact with Linda.

Those of you who know me or have read my blogs know that I had a very difficult childhood and adult relationship with my mother.  Recently I started feeling strong and curious enough to start going through totes of papers, pictures, genealogy research that belonged to her.  Today amongst a lot of very old family letters and pictures, I opened an envelope  with pictures and a letter written by Linda to my mother in 1990.  It was a catch up letter.  I was immediately compelled to google her to see whatever happened to her….she is on FB and for some reason, I didn’t stop there, I friended her on FB and sent her a message on FB messenger introducing myself … which she answered immediately.  She sent me her phone number and another higher power connection was made.  This was a phone call of tears, laughter and incredible healing as I found her soul open, understanding and loving.  My connection with her was immediate!

….and then here is the irony.  When Linda found out where I lived, she mentioned that she was supposed to come to the Kansas City area last week to pick up a shih tzu dog from a breeder as Linda fosters, trains and places dogs with forever homes. But last week, the weather was cold and rainy and fortunately Linda came down with a bad head cold so she had to postpone the trip.  Perhaps the story should read that because our energy had yet to connect, Linda had to postpone the trip until sometime later this month…and the absolute shocking detail  is that the breeder lives 7 minutes from me in this town of 8,000 people.  Now what do you make of that?

Linda and I will meet, I will give her a big hug and I will continue to tear up and feel the love and energy from this totally unexpected, unexplainable connection from our past.

Until next time….

On my mind today

  • Where, why and how does mucous generate and is it really just sitting in my sinus waiting for a blow?
  • Why do women discard their bras when they get home. How do you stand going braless?
  • Why does the humidity lower in the house when it is cold outside? It’s still 71 degrees in the house!
  • How can I gain 4 pounds in 2 days but it takes 4 days to take it off?

That’s it!

December 7

I remember exactly where I was sitting when I got the call on December 7, 1979 from my BFF of 4 years with the news that she had a baby girl…..and I remember the call in March of this year from my BFF of 42 years telling me Dana’s heart had stopped beating. So many stories sewn together of Dana’s short life and now we have that quilt of memories to hold onto…to comfort us each year when the calendar reminds us it is Dana’s Birthday.

Peace and Love, Gena and family!

….just like oil, the truth rises to the top of the bowl

I think that once there is a crack in my expectations and therefore personal choices, the liquid drips out until I have a steady flow before other people’s judgements and opinions start jamming up the mess again! I have a steady flow right now!

I have welcomed Inputs and experiences this past week putting aside my prior expectations and preconceived beliefs and came away with peace of mind and understanding. Who knew that just opening my heart, receiving what felt good and blocking as unimportant the experiences that bring me angst, could have a profound affect on my outlook 🙄!

We all have choices…the difference for me is going to be the ability to move forward putting into action what is right for me and closing off the opinions and rules of others.

Onward and upward!

Until next time….

Proof is in the Snicker

I have been sugar free for months…I don’t really miss it…I am not really tempted….like I can sit and watch the family eat homemade ice cream and I don’t have that feeling like I’m disciplining myself…it’s just a choice….no thank you.

Fast forward to cooking for thanksgiving. Thinking about him making pumpkin pie, I had a twitch of…I hope I can just say no tomorrow. His pumpkin pie is, by far, the best ever!

….and then I started making candy bar apple salad.

A

nada…..no temptation….and then…

I didn’t mean to slip one in my mouth…honest….

……and the next….and yes a third…with each gooey bite I actually felt no guilt…Milky Way are my favorite…so I was tempted and devoured 3 in a minute…it’s okay! At least that is what I told myself.

….thankfully, now, 20 minutes later my stomach is upset, I feel irritable and I feel the tinge of a left temple headache….will I remember this tomorrow?

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

When the anxiety horn blows

I’ve been trying to blog for several days…in fact right now I’m trying to figure out how to put words together.  I feel I need to get it out of my head so I can shut it down and reel in my anxiety.

Nothing bad has happened….life has happened….but the complication of being an empath has fueled the fires of hell in my mind. I know, intellectually, what I need to do to get a grip but I am going to have to handcuff the part of my brain that does not allow me to avoid so I can to actually accomplish it.

Without going into any detail…suffice to say that when all of a sudden those connected to you start having minor health and common mentally challenging events, I, as an empath, take on those emotions…I can’t explain it, I just feel it.  If you are an empath, you totally understand, if you are not an empath, just read along.

When several minor things happen to those around you, it can be completely overwhelming and if you just go with the flow and fail to arm yourself from these growing life events, eventually the nasty overwhelming feelings take over your peace of mind. For me, that is where destructive anxiety takes over.  Anxiety for me is the inability to have calm, inability to think rationally.  Many times when the sun goes down, my fear and morbid thoughts rage and I’m stuck with heart racing, irrational fear of anything that could possibly happen.

I know this.  I have experienced it too many times in my life not to understand it.  I get complacent, I don’t use the skills I’ve learned to deal with it in the beginning.  I must back away from everyone’s energy.  I must fine my peace in solitude

Until next time……

What are you thinking about?

Him:  farming, angus, fields

Me:  when we get home, I can get the laundry done today and back in the camper before he takes it to be winterized Monday, should I strip the bed when we get home or wait until spring so they will be clean, sure wish I would have frozen some water yesterday so the food in the coolers will be okay…I guess if the frozen veg thaw too much I can just toss them.  Holy crap there are a lot of dead armadillos…used to only see them further south…see them around KC now..what on earth would cause them to go north and why are they all dead.

Are we normal?

I feel like an over achiever

I exceeded my Fitbit step goal today….and made my stairs goal.  First time in a very long time.  I have gone through periods in my life that I felt compelled to walk…before fitbit or the other convenient electronics…I had to plan out my route by driving the route to figure out what kind of mileage I would be putting in.  We lived in the country and I walked gravel roads…3.5 miles if I was feeling lazy and 4 miles if I was energized.  At the time, I had a love hate relationship with gravel roads…I ate a lot of dust from passing cars and trucks, I cursed a lot of cars and trucks who made no attempt to slow down when passing a walker, I never felt safe listening to music on my “Walkman” “MP3 player” as loud as I wanted to….but walking on country roads was the time for me to think without distractions.  I loved the evening walks when I would come upon a hollow (a small valley for you city folk) and the temperature would drop and it would just smell different.  Evening with the sun going down always felt and smelled different than walking under a blazing sun.   I stopped walking for some reason.  life changed.  Not good or bad…just changed…I lost my groove.

When we moved to Missouri, I started walking again…not 4 miles but at least a mile and sometimes 2.  Its different walking in a neighborhood….more distractions, more people.  I am not a social walker.  I prefer to walk alone and I prefer not having to fake friendliness with the neighbors.  I just wanted to walk….and then I lost my groove again.  

Today, I felt like walking.  I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago with some “iron poor tired blood” ……in case you remember the phrase from geritol commercials.  The doctor has me taking a significant amount of daily iron to build me back up.  When I took Frannie on her late night walk, I realized that I wanted to walk me too…we walked down to the end of the street tonight instead of just 3 houses down.  Maybe I didn’t really just lose my groove…maybe I was just running my iron tank too low.  I have hope!

Until next time….

I feel like I got an A on a mid term paper

He and the neighbors had a little mishap on the lake today with the small sailboat we recently sold them.  Actually a couple mishaps…everyone is fine physically.  Suffice to say we put peroxide in his ears tonight in an attempt to kill bacteria from the lake water.   

I had the boys today and Jaxon wanted to see Papa on the sailboat so I loaded them in the car and we drove over to the lake….just in time to see it coming out of the water on the trailer with the 3 of them dripping.  I didn’t mentally freak out.  when Robbien gave me a brief rundown of their 2 hour adventure, I did a cursory glance of everyone and I genuinely felt very calm.  On the way home I didn’t do any catastrophic thinking…I didn’t think about how they (he) could have been injured, what if he had died, any of my typical OMG OMG anxiety thoughts.  This is big!  This is very big!

It happened…everyone is fine…I’m glad I wasn’t with them…move on!

Good Night, Dear Diary.

Until next time….