I feel like an over achiever

I exceeded my Fitbit step goal today….and made my stairs goal.  First time in a very long time.  I have gone through periods in my life that I felt compelled to walk…before fitbit or the other convenient electronics…I had to plan out my route by driving the route to figure out what kind of mileage I would be putting in.  We lived in the country and I walked gravel roads…3.5 miles if I was feeling lazy and 4 miles if I was energized.  At the time, I had a love hate relationship with gravel roads…I ate a lot of dust from passing cars and trucks, I cursed a lot of cars and trucks who made no attempt to slow down when passing a walker, I never felt safe listening to music on my “Walkman” “MP3 player” as loud as I wanted to….but walking on country roads was the time for me to think without distractions.  I loved the evening walks when I would come upon a hollow (a small valley for you city folk) and the temperature would drop and it would just smell different.  Evening with the sun going down always felt and smelled different than walking under a blazing sun.   I stopped walking for some reason.  life changed.  Not good or bad…just changed…I lost my groove.

When we moved to Missouri, I started walking again…not 4 miles but at least a mile and sometimes 2.  Its different walking in a neighborhood….more distractions, more people.  I am not a social walker.  I prefer to walk alone and I prefer not having to fake friendliness with the neighbors.  I just wanted to walk….and then I lost my groove again.  

Today, I felt like walking.  I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago with some “iron poor tired blood” ……in case you remember the phrase from geritol commercials.  The doctor has me taking a significant amount of daily iron to build me back up.  When I took Frannie on her late night walk, I realized that I wanted to walk me too…we walked down to the end of the street tonight instead of just 3 houses down.  Maybe I didn’t really just lose my groove…maybe I was just running my iron tank too low.  I have hope!

Until next time….

I feel like I got an A on a mid term paper

He and the neighbors had a little mishap on the lake today with the small sailboat we recently sold them.  Actually a couple mishaps…everyone is fine physically.  Suffice to say we put peroxide in his ears tonight in an attempt to kill bacteria from the lake water.   

I had the boys today and Jaxon wanted to see Papa on the sailboat so I loaded them in the car and we drove over to the lake….just in time to see it coming out of the water on the trailer with the 3 of them dripping.  I didn’t mentally freak out.  when Robbien gave me a brief rundown of their 2 hour adventure, I did a cursory glance of everyone and I genuinely felt very calm.  On the way home I didn’t do any catastrophic thinking…I didn’t think about how they (he) could have been injured, what if he had died, any of my typical OMG OMG anxiety thoughts.  This is big!  This is very big!

It happened…everyone is fine…I’m glad I wasn’t with them…move on!

Good Night, Dear Diary.

Until next time….


I came home from my weekend with the girls in Des Moines with a sinus infection.  I had a routine doc appointment on Monday and she sent me home with antibiotics.  They really just kicked in today…”first day without a headache.

We went kayak shopping yesterday and finished up our 38th anniversary with dinner at Lone Star.  He got his sirloin and I got their incredible Parmesan crusted chicken.

This morning we hit the road for Pleasant Hill Lake…about 3 miles from our house.  Beautiful Day with a light breeze.

Singles…much, much easier than the tandem kayak we shared in Minnesota in July 🤗

Just for the record, my left forearm is so weak I don’t know how I’m going to lift coffee to my lips.

Until next time….

Batshit crazy dragonfly

So….in the safety of my own home this summer, I’ve had a cicada in the house and had to be rescued by Truman…then I had a largefellow try to take up residence in the curtains
Tonight I had two cats run through the house at warp speed to the deck door off the kitchen.  So, I followed because obviously they know something I don’t know.

Now I have a dragonfly storming head first into the glass of the deck door.  Over and over and over and I have two cats on the inside growling and scratching at the window.

Two questions…why is this stupid insect doing this and 2) it’s 2:00 in the morning, where is his mother?  Seriously.  Why is this happening.  it’s been going on for 20 minutes.

I have something to say…

But currently I’m working through it.  I don’t have understanding right now.  This is why I journal…both privately and publically on ninasusan.com…For the most part, my private journaling is paragraph after paragraph of thoughts that either would not make sense to anyone else or would, quite frankly, piss them off….it may be a book someday.  This blog is a more polished version of what I think  I know to be true.  Sharing back and forth with others is like frosting on my cake.

I find clarity in meditation and journaling….clarity and healing….  I’m seeking understanding about love and friendships.  From somewhere deep within me, I’m realizing that in spite of the parenting I received, I was unconditionally loved by a grandparent from both sides of my family..maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother.  This has been life changing for me…the little girl who grew up believing that love had to be earned.

Through the years, I’ve had a few faulty relationships with friends and family.  I have worn myself out trying to figure out why some of these relationships don’t work….so I started to simply analyze the relationships that do work.  Here’s what I think….those who have grown up with unconditional love are able to love themselves and are free to share that love with friends and family.  It’s just who they are.  Those close to me who have the same vacant love history also have the need and capacity to love when we are connected with respect and “unconditional” friendship that blossoms….and one step further those who are unable to love themselves and have not learned to trust or respect others, for whatever reason, are satisfied with superficial friendships and just do not have the ability to form honest, trusting relationships?  

I guess my bottom line is I must stop trying to earn love and friendship.  Relationships need to have the right ingredients to form and grow and for me, negativity is not one of those ingredients.

Your turn, Please!

Six Months 4 Days

This blog has been taking up space in my head for 4 days now.  I’ve been off antidepressants for 6 months and now 4 days.  

  • I no longer feel drugged.  I’m able to function in the real world like everyone else.
  • Now when I look back at those 2 weeks of Hell going cold turkey, I have no regrets.  Kind of like childbirth!
  • I don’t sleep as well…I think I sleep as deep…just not as long.  I seldom get 8 hours now.
  • The anxiety is now manageable.  I have been meditating every day.  It is as important to me as my morning coffee.
  • I finally am able to feel emotion…things make me laugh and I can tear up nearly on demand.
  • My thoughts seem to be more rational.  I credit meditation with opening my subconscious to assist.
  • I have had some moments of irrational anger…or let’s say I’m no longer medicated so I feel the anger.

Every day is a lesson to be learned.  I missed out on a lot using pharmaceuticals for a long as I did 15 years.  I wish a doctor had given me encouragement to try real life!

It is an empowering experience.  

Until next time…..

Being content just being content

19 to 59 years old, I really could not be stopped!  I look back at those years now and wonder who that person was..59 was just two years ago.    Seems the moment I walked into my first job for an insurance company roughly 40 years ago this month, I began my 40 year energizer bunny phase.  Jobs, kids, vacations, volunteering, senior family caregiving and socializing when I could.  I don’t think I regret any of it.  Oh, sure, in the abstract there are things I would do different.  Several of those “if I’d known then what I know now” moments…and the obvious lineup of old pictures showing my weight fluctuations and hair styles.

I remember as I got older that I craved to dedicate one of my days off just to myself to be able to sit around and do nothing.  Sometimes that helped…sometimes it made me dissatisfied because it gave me the time to ruminate about how to get off the roller coaster and relax…but I always belted back in and continued.

Now that I’m retired, I frequently have to psych myself up to get in the car.  I’m content to do whatever it is I do all day.  When I went to the mailbox yesterday (which is my daily outing), I noticed my retired neighbor outside working in the yard …. dripping sweat…later she sent over tomatos from her garden and I learned that she had canned several tons of tomatoes and salsa.  I thought, ya…I used to do that…don’t wanna!  The fact that I don’t wanna really bugs me.  I’m just content doing what I’m doing….but I want to be content with being content.  I still haven’t been able to cleanse my brain of “should”!  Will this eventually happen or do I just need new batteries?

Until next time…

Friday night humidity

Closer to September 1st than August 1st so for some reason every night I set myself up thinking I’m going to step out the front door and it is going to feel like the 72 degrees that my watch reports…not 72 degrees with 94% humidity…..and every night between 11P and 2A, I say to myself…UGH !&$@!  Perhaps there is something I should be grasping here….

Each night I take Frannie out for her little relief break.  She lays in the kitchen doorway and always looks up when I let my recliner foot rest down….it can be several times during this late hour…..to fill my water  vessel, to reach for my IPAD, grab the remote…whatever……she looks up.  But, it’s not until I pick my phone up off the side table and slide it in my pocket or more likely down my shirt that she jumps up, toe nails scratching the tile floor and beats me to the door for her walk.

We don’t go very far (see temp72 degrees, humidity 94%) but that doesn’t seem to matter.  There are things to smell, places to squat and rabbits to get excited about.

Then we head back to the house and Truman is always sitting at the front door waiting for us.

Waiting to be knocked over and trampled by Frannie just as excited to get in the house as she was out.

As for Truman…maybe we need to talk…perhaps there is also something he needs to be grasping here!

Until next time….

A weekend in August…

Sometimes impromptu gatherings are the best.  There’s no time to plan and/or anticipate what you might have forgotten to do.  Brother and sister in law came for a visit from Des Moines.  It had been a couple months since we had seen each other in person…it never feels like it starting with the first hugs.  I messaged our niece …our camping/kayaking niece….that they were coming and wanted her breakfast burrito recipe.  She altered some plans to come also and offered to bunk at our house and make the burritos for her aunts and uncles Saturday morning….seriously!  She’s the best!  Then she asked if our daughter, her cousin might also be available….they said yes….so we ordered tacos and chips and cheese dip from the mex restaurant so we could just visit and no one would be stuck in the kitchen.  At midnight, Christie loaded the aunts and uncles along with blankets in her car and we found a dark drive way to a construction site, layed out our blankets under the stars to watch the meteor shower….ho hum.

After breakfast burrito bunch…we headed downtown KC to visit the World War 1 museum.

Got in some great Italian food and spent the rest of the weekend with some HBO and talk therapy.  I feel love!

Until next time……

On my last nerve….light switches

Or more to the point ….. I question the placement of light switches….or even more to the point…I actually question muscle -memory or, in this case, memory-memory.

Just as a precursor, I have very limited spatial  skills.  This is not new.  I’ve always had an issue with right or left…something that is just instinct for most people.  Anyone that has ever spent any time with me in a car knows to use “your way” or “my way” as a direction….which is odd because I can look at a map and know left or right…this might be a surprising handicap for someone who worked 30 years as a dispatcher.  I also cannot load a car trunk or camping cooler efficiently to save my life.  So I’ve been really questioning myself on light switches…is it me or was it some type of practice joke by the person who placed them.

I give myself the excuse that I’m living in a different house.  I’m used to light switches being in a particular place for a particular use/convenience.  Using this theory, it seems the problem is just that I’ve always considered there is a “standard” placement.  I just now turned on the light in the garage (switch being on the laundry room wall)to throw a box into the recycling bin and kept swiping to shut off the the non existent light switch for the same light on the garage side of the wall.  I do the same thing in the master bedroom bathroom.  The light switch is on the inside wall of the master bath which isnt really a bathroom but more of a transition room with no door…..two sinks and tub with doors to the closet and toilet/shower areas.  Both of which have their own light switches…on the outside wall so you don’t have to reach around to find these switches. I constantly reach for a non existent light switch on the bedroom wall as I walk into the bathroom.

This is starting to mildly irritate me and the fix is either 1)accept that I might just have a short circuit, or 2)in the grand scheme of things is there no standard or 3)is it worth asking him to add more lights switches, or even 4) perhaps motion sensitive lights throughout the house so I can just mindlessly roam without any responsibility?

Until next time……