Monthly Archives: December 2014

12.31.14
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This year I have been good enough….

I know I focus way too much on tomorrow..in fact, I may have lost a whole year because I have trouble grasping the fact that each day I was good enough.  For those of us focused on self-help, the buzz-word to make us feel better about ourselves is writing in a gratitude journal….and positive self talk.  I’ve heard it.  Apparently, it wasn’t something that got my attention because I haven’t done it.  I decided this morning that I’m going to start 2015 with positive self talk.  It’s a goal, I realize…it is something that I might fail to do…but I’m hoping it will replace the negative self talk from the voices in my head.  The way the theory works is by writing down or thinking everyday about the positive things in your life and focusing on the positive things, you will live a happier life and eventually you will genuinely focus on the good.  The discipline is going to be tough but I feel it is something I really need to do.

That is not to say that I won’t still have the negative thoughts and that I will still rage on about things that totally piss me off on my therapy blog, Ninasusan.  I know focusing on the self-negative has enabled me to change things about myself that I didn’t like but the fine line is still there…I want to pull myself up over the fine line of acceptance and focus more on who I am and not who I think I should be.  So for today…

I’m good enough!

12.30.14
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According to my blog stats…this is number 1000…

When I finish this post and hit enter, I assume that my screen will light up with balloons; and dollar bills will rain from heaven..isn’t that what we expect from life?  When we hit goals, we celebrate with approval from everyone else and then set new goals…not that I have had a blog quota in my head and/or quite frankly, I haven’t set many tangible goals in my life other than weight loss and isn’t that pathetic…but I can top that…seems that when I have reached a goal or milestone in my life, I haven’t really celebrated other than the internal dialogue which says…but you can do better.  Or using different verbiage…it isn’t good enough.  I think this may be one of the multiple keys to my door aka my brick wall which feeds my anxiety.

I look back at my childhood and the false praise I received.  In an effort to build my self esteem, I heard things like – I was the best dressed, the prettiest, you are very smart, you are better than that, you have a lot of piano playing talent, you have beautiful long fingers for piano playing.  I HAVE AND HAVE ALWAYS HAD SHORT STUBBY FINGERS!  When you are a child, and are praised for things that are untrue, it doesn’t build your self-esteem – you know the truth – it screws with your psyche!  I was not the best dressed, not the prettiest, never felt smart because of a learning disability and I did not have incredible talent for playing the piano and I HAD SHORT, STUBBY FINGERS!  I know now this set me up for believing I couldn’t live up to my mother’s standards of the perfect little princess and so I tried harder and harder and never learned to be good enough!

Which brings me now to the New Year and fickle New Year’s resolutions and new anxiety because I have to live up to standards which I will not uphold and the cycle continues.  But, I’ve always believed that once you recognize a problem – you then must fix it.  Nuh uh.  This year, I’m going to strive to be just okay.  Okay with who I am.  Live 2015 knowing that I have no goals or standards that I must live up to.  I am good enough.

Until next time….

12.22.14
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Okay…hot, loose tea drinkers….

I am sooo impressed with this little tea basket that I got yesterday while Brenda and I were at the city market.

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the brand is For Life. Loose tea (my favorite 1 tsp peach and 1/2 tsp peppermint) goes in the little basket…the basket has little handles that go over your cup and you just stick it under the keurig spout and run hot water into it. Let it steep in the basket that is sitting in your cup of hot water and enjoy! It makes an amazing cup of tea. I’ve always been so caught up in having my water be the right temp and then pouring it into the tea pot vessel holding the loose tea…waiting for it to steep for a certain amount of time…then setting the pitcher on your coffee cup and letting it drain. Then all the clean up. Wasn’t worth it to me. This little number is just what I needed.

He and I went out for dinner tonight, did a little non-Christmas shopping then drove over a couple of exits to see the Lee’s Summit Magic tree with way too many other people.

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It is beautiful and magical! I’m very thankful for the person(s) who spent the time to decorate every tree limb.

that’s it for now.

Until next time….

12.21.14
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The belly laugh….

There are few things that can cement a friendship for me faster than someone who can totally let loose with a belly laugh.  Especially women.  The belly laugh of two women in downtown Kansas City today still rings in my ears and brings a smiling memory to my face.

It was mother-in-law day – the 3rd annual.  Today was the 3rd anniversary of my Jenny and Her Justin’s mothers having lunch, and attending the Trans Siberian Orchestra playing at the Sprint Center just off the Power and Light District in downtown KC.  We have decided it is a mother-in-law day until Jaxon is old enough to go with us then we will have to rename it.

We had a nice relaxing lunch in Liberty, talked all the way into the city.  We parked the car in the ramp and walked over to the Sprint Center and chatted, sat on a concrete slab that holds a light pole and talked.  The concert was due to start at 4:00 and at 3:15, she looked at her watch and said I wonder why the doors aren’t unlocked?  I said, I wonder where all the people are, we meandered over to the door and she said – its strange they don’t have the gates up to usher the lines in – We both knew something was wrong – we were at the wrong door???  So I pulled the tickets out of my purse and realized that the concert isn’t until Tuesday afternoon at 4.  That’s when the down deep belly laughing started.  I felt horrible that I had screwed up the day…but she was laughing so hard……..

We payed $5 for parking with thoughts of just going somewhere to have a drink…because after all he and John weren’t expecting us home.  She decided that our story to the husbands was we decided to just say screw the concert, we want to shop!  The world was our oyster.  We went to historic city center, did some shopping, she took me on a car tour and pointed out places and things which had been important in her life.  It was a remarkable day.

….and we still have TSO to look forward to!

Thanks, Brenda for a great day!

Until next time..

12.20.14
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Running naked through the house screaming like a Comanche!

No offense intended to the Indian population.  You know me, I hate to be politically incorrect but that is the only word to describe my unabandoned joy…or is it unrestrained joy?  I’m home alone!  He went over to the Ice House Auction house to help Bill tear down a wall which will totally enhance the atmosphere.  I reminded him to be careful – don’t let any walls fall on you and don’t cut through any electric wires…keeping that in mind, I picture him drinking whisky shots and swinging from the rafters in his joy to be out of the house without me.

The future-history events of the American Dream are vivid right now.  There is so much going on in our country that I can’t seem to turn off the news.  I’m not talking about the fluff news or the It’s-a-slow-news day drama…I’m talking about the big stuff.  The homosexual hate club has obviously taken a back seat to Bill Cosby and his “alleged”misdeeds with the opposite sex.  WTH!  I was not surprised when the first woman came out with her story…not even surprised about the second.  Okay…not even the third…but now I’m kind of surprised that he isn’t dead.  Dr. Phil (zip-it) had several of them on yesterday.  I honestly believed their stories…with the exception of one.  Dr Phil showed a clip of Cosby’s visit to his show 10 years ago and he was holding the face of a little overweight girl and saying she must eat a lot of salt.  Dr Phil said that Cosby was circulating in the audience talking to people and he found his behavior kind of odd.  Since the beginning, I’ve thought that Cosby’s alleged behavior probably had nothing to do with sex and more to do with power…and a behavior specialist guest said the same thing. I believe that he is a sick puppy!  I think his silence is pretty damning.  My question is – if he were to come out and say – ya…I did it, I’m sorry – I need help…would that put this to sleep?  Do these victims just need validation and an apology so they can close this gaping part of their lives and move on.  Or will they have outspoken, loud mouth, attorney Gloria Allred leading the fight to line her own pocketbook?  Legally it is a done deal…he got away with it…but if these women just need closure…then the son of a bitch better be stepping up!

Until next time….

12.19.14
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Torpid….

That’s the way I’m feeling tonight. My fitbit stats for today are embarrassing..of course, he is out walking the dog on her third walk of the day…and his!  Not only did I not move around today but I ate 3 pieces of peanut butter fudge and a chocolate chip cookie at the auction house tonight.  While I’m not really regretting the decision I made at the time, the sugar high now has me irritated.  That probably makes no sense at all.  I’ve been off the sugar for quite some time – and the way I feel now is exactly why I’ve given it up!  While I used to hate the weight I was carrying around and what it was doing to me – now I’m pretty sure I can feel the sugar granules scraping through my vessels.  That was a bit dramatic..but I’m so foggy I had to google granules to see how to spell it.

Which leads me directly into old age and forgetfulness.  I haven’t driven a vehicle for a couple of weeks…I know…that’s weird…I had to go to the post office today and I needed to use the windshield wipers to get the mist off the windshield and I couldn’t remember how to turn them on.  The entire trip to the post office had me RUMINATING on what is wrong with me – OMG – is this the first sign of dementia.  I tried to reassure myself.  I’m pretty sure that if I was driving down the street and it started raining, I would have done what I always do – by rote – I would have turned on the windshield wipers.  But just the fact that I tried to twist the little dial which activated the back wiper instead of clicking up or down on the huge lever that sticks out of the steering column had me questioning my mental health.

This windshield wiper thing had me messed up a few months ago when I couldn’t remember how to uses the delay twisting thing on that huge lever that sticks out of the steering column.  The one that has little lines to indicate if you want the wipers to swish fast or slow.

Jenny…if you are reading this – I’m perfectly fine – do not worry for a moment about me babysitting Jax 3 days a week but I think it is time to turn his car seat facing forward so he can help Grandma find her way around!

Soooooo.

Until next time?

12.18.14
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Healing as we age….

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Healing really does bring new perspectives!  I’ve blogged and blogged and blogged and talked and talked and talked about my mother’s narcissism and my upbringing – the psyche job she did on me…it is fading…I’m starting to be able to get past the bad with a different perspective.  I wish I could have been in the place I am now when she and my dad were still alive..but, of course, that is impossible because I was living what I thought was my nightmare!  It’s okay.  I’m not beating myself up now…I’m just finding peace with the past.  One of those moments came yesterday.  In some year before she died, she acquired (either a gift or bought it herself) this little Christmas dog…it sings blue, blue Christmas and turns it’s head while it sings. I’ve had it under the tree this year and Jax found it yesterday and learned how to turn it on and make it sing.  I had an overwhelming sense of sadness – how delighted she would have been to know she had a great grandson and that he would be playing with her toy.  I love Christmas time…I’ve figured out that it isn’t actually Christmas day that I love so much but the magic of the season and I got it from her…she loved it too and it is one of the most loving memories I have of her.  The magical Christmas season!

Jenny worked late last night so we took Jax with us to do some shopping and hit Chilis for supper.  He’s 19 months old now and this is my favorite age…I remember my daughters reaching 18 months and how much I loved their wonderment of everything and their acceptance of joy.

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I wish I could upload video to wordpress…I took a video of him cleaning the table with a wipe before we put food on it – as his mother has taught him.  Pure Joy.

…and not wanting to share his bounty of snacks before his food comes…he genetically got that from me.  I don’t share food.  LOVE!

Until next time….

12.17.14
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If you analyze it, you have to name it!

Does everyone do it or am I just a professional ruminator? and by ruminator, I mean continuously mulling it over in my mind until 1) I am able to name it; or 2) my subject matter morphs into another subject entirely…which gives me the opportunity to compulsively focus on IT.  While brooding about my anxiety tonight while trying to cycle my breathing with his (but not to the earth shattering pitch), I fell upon the idea that perhaps I’m not suffering full blown anxiety, I just can’t shut my mind off which leads me to be anxious because I really do need to go to sleep and I just can’t!  I also realized that my over analyzing does have an end…and that finalé occurs when I can label the mental flapping, stick it in the right drawer and then move on.

With this little morsel of information, I realized that I have to analyze or name nearly everything that meanders through my mind during a 24 hour period.  I pigeon hole, pigeon hole, pigeon hole everything once I can categorize and label it!  Few things are accepted at face value, few things can just be put to the side…they must be analyzed ad nauseam.

Sunday morning news shows are a great way to pick up more fodder to think about.  During a two week period, I spent considerable amounts of brain cells thinking about politics, immigration, the racial discord with police and the release of the CIA report.  I watch/see/hear about these threats to America and my attitudes and opinions volley back and forth.  This past Sunday, I was able to finally sit down and share a conversation with him…I was able to firmly name where I stood on the issues and now I have moved on.  I probably should just go back to bed and try to go to sleep now that I’ve gotten this all down in black and white . #&(!# …and I think that is exactly what I’m going to do.  So….

Until next time….

12.09.14
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Cousin Eddie made it!

He and I have been out looking at Christmas lights – a good reason to walk at night even if it is chilly.  Last night we started out at our house – notice the perfectly placed full moon.

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I think the winners of the Sugarland Neighborhood lighting contest will be this…and they deserve it.  This is the yard..they also have their lights programmed to music.  I thought I took a picture but just a video and I can’t add it on to here without going premium.

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This year Robbien, next door  put out Pink flamingos…they were recycled and she made little hats and tutu’s for them

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So in the corner of my yard, I put out my pink flamingos.  They are headed over to her group.  Her husband, Dave, said he didn’t want any hanky panky going on 🙂

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What a great year to be a grandparent of a 19 month old!  He’s fascinated with all of the lights so we took him on a walk tonight..it was so worth it….but very cold!

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He would not keep his one hand under the blanket because he needed to point..so I put my glove on it and this is the way he rode around.

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We were delighted when we turned the corner and saw that Cousin Eddie arrived at the neighbor’s house.

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Tis the season!

Until next time….