When I finish this post and hit enter, I assume that my screen will light up with balloons; and dollar bills will rain from heaven..isn’t that what we expect from life? When we hit goals, we celebrate with approval from everyone else and then set new goals…not that I have had a blog quota in my head and/or quite frankly, I haven’t set many tangible goals in my life other than weight loss and isn’t that pathetic…but I can top that…seems that when I have reached a goal or milestone in my life, I haven’t really celebrated other than the internal dialogue which says…but you can do better. Or using different verbiage…it isn’t good enough. I think this may be one of the multiple keys to my door aka my brick wall which feeds my anxiety.
I look back at my childhood and the false praise I received. In an effort to build my self esteem, I heard things like – I was the best dressed, the prettiest, you are very smart, you are better than that, you have a lot of piano playing talent, you have beautiful long fingers for piano playing. I HAVE AND HAVE ALWAYS HAD SHORT STUBBY FINGERS! When you are a child, and are praised for things that are untrue, it doesn’t build your self-esteem – you know the truth – it screws with your psyche! I was not the best dressed, not the prettiest, never felt smart because of a learning disability and I did not have incredible talent for playing the piano and I HAD SHORT, STUBBY FINGERS! I know now this set me up for believing I couldn’t live up to my mother’s standards of the perfect little princess and so I tried harder and harder and never learned to be good enough!
Which brings me now to the New Year and fickle New Year’s resolutions and new anxiety because I have to live up to standards which I will not uphold and the cycle continues. But, I’ve always believed that once you recognize a problem – you then must fix it. Nuh uh. This year, I’m going to strive to be just okay. Okay with who I am. Live 2015 knowing that I have no goals or standards that I must live up to. I am good enough.
Until next time….