Who needs enemies to stab you in the back when you have family.  I have never quite been so disappointed as I have with the dirty business I’ve been dealing with after 53 years of horse excrement.  There is an executor job open.  I quit.  She tried to get it changed but died first…hmmmm Ninasusan is a bitter ballerina

A deep thought here…you really learn about life when you are dealing with death.  A few days ago, I was totally pissed off and bitter about my relationship with Aunt Frances..mainly I was having a pitty party because it seemed that the two maternal adults in my life made  no attempt to cuddle Nina Sue at the death of her parents…the things I have learned 1) we all think about life different and we all think about death different; 2) in their grief – I’m cleary speaking of my mother and my aunt, it was not possible for them to take care of anyone else; 3)Their mother died young – mom was 13 and Aunt Frances was 15 so they are possibly emotionally challenged by the death and who knows how death was dealt with in the 1930’s; 4) we are so apart in generations…my parents and Aunt Frances are the age of grandparents to most of my friends; 5)the 4 of us grew as one unit.  Aunt Frances was in our unit..Mom, Dad, Aunt Frances and Nina Sue so I’m guessing no one even considered that I was the little girl in the mix.  6) I go to great lengths to not appear vulnerable, lonely and out of control…thus the thoughts of laying in a bed in my last days being vulnerable, lonely and out of control scares me…fast forward to death here…obviously mother and aunt frances didn’t feel this way.  Jeff  aka ghog said the way to solve this problem is with a living will..that is what he did and he also said:

In any case, the main imperative is to make it known what your choices are and where the lines are drawn while you are still healthy. That way, when your time comes, your wishes will be honored. Whether you choose to fight like Aunt Francis or set rules for ending it like I did, individual choice has to be preserved. No government, no family member, no doctor or caregiver should be allowed to make that choice for you. The choice should be yours.


Your Aunt wants to fight. Leave her to it. 

Thanks everyone for your comments, your support and your love.  I may find Peace yet…

Until next time….


Between Birth and Death

The quality/quanity question.  This is a big one for my family…I think my dad was always depressed and on the verge of depression…he made no bones about the fact that he was ready to die when it was time.  As a young mother of two, I absolutely could not understand this mentality…after all, he had a daughter and two grandaughters..wasn’t that enough…

Flash over to the maternal side.  I have a mother and Aunt who absolutely didn’t/don’t want to die no matter what.  Speaking from my opinion only, my mother had a crappy life.  She was angry, bitter, totally alone and spent lots of energy faking it for everyone else so they would think she was a sweet little old lady.  worked some times?  But she did not want to die…quality be damned..it was quanity.

Aunt Frances is totally fighting it tonight.  She is a God fearing, bible thumping believer that does not want to die.  I’m not understanding this.  He and I just discussed tonight that I may be skewed…Perhaps I don’t hold life to a high enough value.  I do not want to die today…I’m not afraid to die, I’m just not done.  Aunt Frances has had at least one stroke, 4 seizures in the last 12 hours, she can’t talk for the most part, can’t move her left arm, she is in pain due to serious neurological problems with her back and legs…and the woman was able to say…I will get well.  What is this strength, what is this desire at 93 years old to climb the hill to health dragging along this body that no longer works…where does someone reach soooo far down and say…I will get well?

Should I be ashamed to want to chuck it all if I end up in her condition.  I am not understanding…is there something I am missing?

Aunt Frances….aka the bad niece

Aunt Frances is totally on my mind..in fact, thinking about blogging, I’ve been kind of focused on her so can’t even think of anything else to talk about.  He and I went to visit her at the hospital tonight.  She has obviously had a stroke…she didn’t act like she recognized either of us.  maybe Him.  She held his hand the entire time we were there and attempted to look at him but her eyes kept going sideways and upward.  The nurse said they thought she was possibly going to have another stroke…they haven’t been able to find the blockage with an MRI but the damage is obvious.  We went to Aunt Frances’ apt before we went to the hospital because her busy body neighbor said I needed to sign some checks.  While I was there she mentioned several times how mad Aunt Frances was because I put mom in hospice…hinted that she was changing her will…after a discussion about where Aunt Frances would be going, I said I thought a hospice house would be much better than hospice in a nursing home…busybodybitch said…Well your aunt wouldn’t want to hear that after you sent your mother there.  In an email to family when I got home, I said…my mother was upset with me because I didn’t tell her that my dad was going to die.  My Aunt thinks I killed my mother because she thinks I had something to do with her going to hospice..it was the doctor and she agreed…and Aunt Frances is so upset with me that she refused to let the doctor or hospital call to let me know she was in there for 3 weeks…I’m her next of kin.  I’m all she has…now this nosy neighbor who lives next door has the audacity to repeat stories to my face about how my aunt does nothing but whine about what a bad niece I am.  I am pretty positive she and I are going to tangle before this is over and I have no doubt who will win.  She certainly monitored my activities while at Aunt Frances’ apartment..I almost felt like she was in charge and I had better wipe my shoes before I entered or I would be in trouble.  I’m sick to death of the excuse that they are old and I should take that into consideration.  My mother and my aunt have always had something missing in their personalities…getting old just made it worse…I’m sick to death of the excuses for bad behavior.  If I weren’t so angry, perhaps I would be devastated…these are horrible charges to lay on anyone…especially the adult child everyone is supposed to love….hmmmm

Buckle-up I’m full of opinions this morning

First this H1N1 panic is starting to really irritate me.  I may regret this if I end up expelling stomach lining, but please just stop.  This isn’t small pox or polio people…it is the flu…if I hear one more news person tell me how I”m supposed to sneeze, I”m going to climb to the top of the courthouse and start coughing….WITHOUT A TISSUE

I don’t care who David Letterman slept with, nor do I care how, when, where or why…some chickie on CNN yesterday was extoling the fact that this isn’t going to die down because people want to know…this is bad..very bad..they dedicated an entire hour to the discussion of sex in the workplace…people have been having sex with co-workers since the beginning of time..this is not a new concept folks…

Sweaty Chetty aka the governor of Iowa has ordered a 10 percent decrease in state government budgets.  It almost comes across that he woke up one morning and just decided to do it.  Department heads are scrambling to figure it all out and low seniority employees are scrambling to find hope.  I find this dude pretty hard to take seriously – I also have no confidence in his leadership…would I rather have the conservative former governor who happened to fight labor unions in the court and was a homophobe..hmm..Chetty’s wife is the one caught smoking in a state vehicle being driven by a state trooper AFTER Iowa HEAD HONCHOSdecided that was illegal…illegal for everyone but Sweaty’s wife, obviously.

I snapped tonight at work..female calls because separated husband has called threatening to remove the tires from her car…okay not a good plan but as I told her – it’s 12:30 at night and there is really nothing we can do if he is just threatening.  Ring Ring…separated husband..ya…I just talked to my soon to be ex wife and she said you will charge me with theft if I remove the tires from the car..NO, SIR, I DIDN’T SAY THAT .. he says, well I”m not going to do it tonight but probably tomorrow – OKAY, WELL YOU NEED TO CONTACT AN ATTORNEY TO CHECK ON THE LEGALITIES.  Ring, Ring…their daughter…My dad called and said he could remove the tires from my mother’s car…ARE THEY STILL MARRIED…yes..WELL IT IS HIS CAR TOO..but it is in her name..argue argue argue..This is the point I snapped and said – it is 12:30 at night, he said he won’t take them until tomorrow why don’t you people go to bed….This totally pissed her off – she wanted an officer so she got an officer who was kind enough to try to make everything better…in order to stay out of trouble, I thought perhaps I should call and apologize,….but I”m not sorry…if it happened again right now, I would say the same thing.  It is a civil situation, why are we dealing with this at 12:30 at night…SHUTUP

Every other little thing in my life seems to be okay..so

Until next time….

What I learned in the last 3 days

I like to drive fast…I love watching squad cars drive really fast with their lights and sirens and their attennas whipping backward.  I drove fast on my way home from Kansas City.  I think it would be more fun in a car than in the small truck..or at least with 8 cylinders ahead of me.

I should go away more often…it is always good to get a little perspective and realize what ants we are…we are not really that important in the scheme of things.

Boston and Chicago got me home the last hour on I35….boring

Old friends are very important.

My daughers are incredible, strong women.

I want to retire and travel…

I really would like to be a cop…but only so I can drive fast with lights and sirens and a whipping antenna…oh…and so I can carry a gun…I don’t like to feel vulnerable.

Respect for each other is the key to a successful society.

Until next time….

I find my little mind going way above the speed that is probably safe…oh, I think occasionally, you must zooommm up to a certain speed in order to take care of business, but I also think it is good to come to a coast or just stop and fill up before you hit warp speed again.  I’m not feeling that I’m really overwhelmed most of the time, but when I lay down to sleep or try to just relax watching TV, I find myself having to rewind what I’m watching because I’ve totally missed it.  Totally….

I seem to be seeing a light with mom’s estate stuff.  I have a really great attorney…and I should just put my faith in him and let him do what he is paid to do…but I’ve not dealt with this kind of thing before and have always just taken care of business.  At least, I know there won’t be any loose ends. 

“He” took Baxter to get his shots today…oh speaking of shots…I did get mine yesterday morning and it was brilliantly painless..anyway…Baxter has gained a little weight and vet says we need to start feeding different.  To be quite frank, this scares me.  I know how they circle and meooooowwww when I’ve let their dish run out of food.  Now this man who doesn’t have to live here says we need to put the food away during the day and just feed them twice a day…ya right… I actually fear for the dogs if the cats get hungry enough.

My girls were together tonight for dinner in Kansas City.  I’m heading there in the morning.  Don’t know if I”ll be seeing Katy much…she is there on some type of grant for the Kansas School for the Deaf.  She will be flying to KC once a month.  I know she is there for business but hopefully Jenny and I will at least be able to eat a meal with her this weekend so we can just stare at her…

I’ll be back.

Until next time….


Today is my Friday and I”m in a reasonably good mood even though I have a flu shot in my near future.  You know, I watch all of these news shows with footage where people are continuously being stabbed with a needle in the upper arm and no one even flinches…I, who have never really been “afraid” of needles,  rethinks the fear…so I assume that someone who is afraid of needles must be a quivering mass of fear just watching it.  I”m guessing the marathon stabbings are some do-gooders hope to cure the world of needle fear by showing the non-flinchers; but keeping in mind that needles don’t bother me…think it is ridiculous to keep showing it…I’m surprised they don’t have the nurse sprinting across the room, stop in her tracks and throw the needle slow motion into the victim’s arm just to prove to us dimwits that it doesn’t hurt…which reminds me of pepper spray…when I became a reserve police officer, I had to be sprayed with pepper spray before I could use it…the theory is that 1) you will know what your attacker is feeling – physically, that is; 2) you can testify in court that you’ve been sprayed and it didn’t kill you and my 3) you know why your attacker is now really pissed.  The argument was used several times that I don’t have to be shot to see how it feels before I can carry a gun…so why the pepper spraying…which for those of you don’t know…it burns like HELL…and keeps burning..the only way to stop it from burning is to place your face or burning body part in cold water…of course, when you take your head out of the cold water, it burns like HELL.  This burning continues for quite a length of time…which just leads me to the story about catching my finger in the stall door of a women’s restroom this week…OH did it hurt, I mean I sat there for a couple of minutes wondering if my finger would fall off and half hoping it would..because I always heard that having your arm amputated was much better with less bleeding that a knife cut…once I heard the logic of the body naturally shutting off the blood flow, I didn’t find it so astounding because it makes sense…but what about the pain?  Ya and what about pain…how does someone stand the pain of being hit by a car or fall from a few stories up or getting yourself pummeled by someone’s fists…

Glad it is my Friday…

Until next time….