I have been contemplating a hair color streak for some time. A few years ago I told my hair fixer, colorist extraordinaire, Mandy, that I wanted something totally different so she bleached out a white section of my hair. It was dramatic. But then I just went back to typical hair color with lowlights and highlights. Today I had an appointment with Justin, my son in law, hair fixer extraordinaire. When we were consulting about what to do with my hair after a seven week grow out, I told him I wanted some color….purple….and with his little giggle he said…O Kayyyy.
This morning I have backed up to 2007….the year I started blogging. I was rereading blogs for December 31st of each of the years that got me to today…December 31st 2015. It was a good thing…some years I sounded positive and articulate….other years I rambled about this and that. The words “2016 has to be better” has crossed my lips recently….but, really 2015 has been a good year as far as growth is concerned. I read in a book recently that we make decisions for growth or in fear. He and I have experienced health fear individually and as a couple this year. These experiences have been a reality check. I have a better understanding of living in the moment because we don’t have any idea what is going to happen tomorrow. We really have no control over tomorrow that is why we have to live right now…now is what we have….not missing right now because we are focused on tomorrow.
This year I have learned how to forgive. It’s true “what they say”, you can’t move on until you have forgiven the perceived injustices of yesterday. I won’t forget but I have forgiven. Things happened in the past which have formed me into who I am today. Every day that I don’t forgive means that negativity will have a grip on me today.
Here we go 2016…I’ve learned from 2015 and right now, today, I’m thankful for and content in my life!
Until next year….
I drove 3 and a half hours each way for a 15 minute appointment with the kidney cancer specialist yesterday. No news is good news. He did urinalysis and blood draws. Results show some elevations here and there as my body continues to recover from the loss of my left kidney. We also had a discussion about my coffee consumption. This was probably the most irritating news of the day. He didn’t tell me to stop drinking coffee just explained that my coffee consumption and water consumption are fighting each other…dehydrating vs hydrating. I will be honest and say I had a 3 year old inner tantrum on my way home….and after finishing my 1 coffee this morning, I’m still feeling rebellious. I don’t drink wine or alcohol, I don’t drink pop or juices and I drink a lot of water but I still enjoy my coffee in the morning and ice tea in the afternoon. So…
The best part of my day was having lunch with my daughter and her moral support as well as being my compass around the clinic. I love that kid so much!
As the year comes to an end, I realize there have been so many blessings in my life…there have been some traumatic health issues in the family but we have dealt with them, changed some habits and celebrate that we are still taking a breath everyday.
Until next time….
I took over the dining room table for several days and found myself totally relaxed with lots of time in deep thought. It was good for the soul. I wish I could share with you some of the thoughts I had and some of the decisions I made during my solitude but I’m going to keep them a secret!
Happy 123rd birthday Grandma Green. If you only knew what has happened since the last time I saw you.
Until next time…..
He and I are struggling with sleeping and I’ve heard from a lot of friends that this is a common problem…I know after a hospital stay, it is very difficult to get back on schedule. Sleeping in the hospital is not intended to be good restful sleep so the body can heal. Sleep for an extended period of time is not even possible. I spent several overnights with him after his heart attack (which surprisingly was 4 weeks ago) and after his bypass surgery. The nurse, the other nurse who took the set of vitals, the lab techs, then the nurse again to check IV and for pill delivery, then the nurse for vitals yet again. There was peace of mind with the constant attention and knowing that if anything was going to go wrong, someone would be on top of it…..but for the love of God…he needs to sleep!
He struggles with not being able to sleep they way he wants to sleep because of discomfort from the surgery and I’m guessing some deep anxiety that he is not even aware of. I know my inability to sleep is anxiety. The strange dreams that wake me up…dealing, dealing, dealing. I also know that this is just the way it is going to be until we get some time under our belt. I also have some anxiety because Tuesday I’m making a one day trip to Des Moines for my 6 month cancer checkup. It will include x rays and blood tests. While I’m pretty confident that everything will be fine, there is always the little nag in the back of my mind. What if everything isn’t okay? My flying kidney solo doesn’t enter my mind very often…yet, it is always in the back of my mind when I realize that there is evidence I need to drink more water or when I have the phantom pains on the left side where my kidney used to be….or when I realize that I tire easier that I used to.
All this rambling tonight because I can’t sleep and there is nothing I’m interested in doing to entertain myself…
Jane Repp shared with me on my first weepy Christmas without my dad that every year she has a good Christmas cry. It felt right that she would be comforting me on this particular Christmas because she was having a hard time with it too. Her mom had passed just a couple weeks after my dad had passed in January of that year.
Now, many years later, I totally embrace the Christmas cry. The tears are flowing today. It started out this morning and I Was admonishing myself….WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I am so very blessed but in spite of all of the love in my life there is also an absence. I mourn today all of the Christmas pasts. The family traditions we have moved away from, my mom isn’t here to buy me all of the Christmas gifts on my wish list, we have moved away from all of our Christmas celebrations…who knew I would miss the sheriffs office potluck! I miss Christmas Eve at First Christian Church. I miss old fashioned Christmas carols. But most importantly I mourn the relationships and family from past Christmases. So…give me a little time…let me have my Christmas cleansing….then let the celebration of peace and love begin.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Unease about what is around the corner or in the dark? Relief? Wake up call? Glad we have been thru the bad stuff?
Diverticulitis and Kidney cancer to start the year and bottoming out with a heart attack and bypass surgery. Yes. I’m still stuck on it…For the most part I’m finding clarity and peace in my days…but every now and then our mortality plops right down in my thoughts and gives me an uneasy feeling. You know what I mean if you have dealt with a serious health issue. Each time that I get that haunted worry, I work to erase it from my consciousness and turn it around in my mind to the positive. Diverticulitis and kidney cancer and heart attack and look at us. We are so lucky …Boom…it happened and ahhhh we survived. There are millions of people who are not as lucky…who are fighting every day to take another breath. We are working to turn things around with our diet and exercise. We have each had a huge wake up call.
He and I talked yesterday about his heart attack…how he feels, is he depressed, is he scared? The answer…No..I’m relieved because now I think I’m going to live longer. Apparently I need to connect with him better and grab onto this much healthier perspective.
Until next time…..
Amazingly he came out of the bedroom this morning after his shower and said, “I want to go to town today”……seriously….before he read my blog…..and what put him on the top of any husband comparison list….his answer to where do you want to go? Hobby Lobby!!! He wanted to get a few things.
We each got a shopping cart and met up when he was finished….I’m never finished.
This is what I’ll be doing for the next few days
Until next time…..
I shouldn’t complain….in nearly 3 weeks, I’ve been able to get out of the house to go grocery shopping twice …. *scream and to the dentist….oh I did get to the doctors office with him for an hour and a couple of quick trips to the pharmacy…
I’ve been noticing that we aren’t talking to each other….we just have nothing to talk about once we get established what channel we are going to watch on TV and necessary conversation about our nutrition and “I’m going to let Frannie out” and “have you fed the cats”. That’s about it and it became painfully clear when he was face timing with Kate last night and was hoarse after about 2 minutes.
So….today, we are leaving the house….nothing exciting…well, I guess that depends on your frame of mind. It’s going to be exciting for him as riding with me behind the wheel always is for him.
So….here we come world!
Until next time….
I’m not sure how to start this blog…I have the ideas swirling but have spent too much energy trying to be politically correct. While my blog is a categorized in my mind as a diary, I do share it publicly just because I do. There are many thoughts I would like to share. I don’t because I don’t want to finish each line with….Just kidding NSA or I’m sorry if this offends anyone.
My last blog on Violence in Rome was written after watching a documentary on the Coliseum in Rome. This weekend, we watched a documentary on the hateful relationship between William F Buckley and Gore Vidal in the 60’s. It was enlightening. I frequently shake my head with disbelief when I hear the rants and rhetoric curdling the airwaves from Donald Trump. Apparently his brand of communicating to some is refreshing because he says a lot of things without apology that cross the minds of many of us. Trump is not the first public figure with no regard for political correctness. Have we now become a society of respect and love that when we hear bold, irreverent ranting we listen because we don’t have the freedom the speak our own minds or are we just sheep who follow the shepherd who screams the loudest and carries the biggest stick…or have we just become a society of apathetic pussies?
As a people, it seems we no longer think gray. We think black or white. There is no room for tolerance of “another side” of the story. The bold statement here. I really believed that the racist, scared and depression age generation of my parents would die off and we would be living in a more tolerant, positive world…..unfortunately I fear we are repeating history with our hatred, lack of respect and intolerance of anyone who doesn’t think exactly like we think….
Until next time….