…….and then she was gone

I assume everyone who has lost a beloved will find truth to these words to some degree…depending on our spiritual beliefs or organized religious domestication…when someone transitions from life to death, we feel them in our sorrow….we miss them… I know some of us remember and mourn the loss of the relationship and how they made us feel. Others believe that someday in our transition, the beloved will be waiting, in a place called heaven, with arms outstretched. Some of us believe the energy from our beloved is with us every day and that we can call upon that energy for guidance. Sadly, because we can’t agree on the path, often it divides us and we take issue with each other and completely close roads down rather than offer a detour.

These thoughts of mine were triggered this morning because my calendar notified me that next month will be the birthday of a beloved that transitioned in January of this year….and the moment I noticed it on the calendar, I said in my head…your birthday is coming up, Jen, how are you feeling about that? Because our less than a year old relationship was not one of my normal friendships of experiences and enmeshment before she passed, I seem to think it is necessary to dissect my feelings. I think what I have figured out that our connection was concrete in spirit before our personalities had time to gel over coffee once a week or really to even know about each other in the typical friendship “way”. Being newer to this “we are all one” spirituality In relation to my history of dogmatic teachings through the various Christian churches I attended, I think I can answer my own question about Jen and me.

I, seriously, question at times whether she actually existed…our souls seem to have danced together each taking and giving generously to one another without words. Words were not needed…she was my early lesson in what it means to just “BE” and honor and bow to the Devine in her. Namaste!

Until next time….

Ah-ha moments

The beauty, release and growth in ah-ha moments is breathtaking! It was a Monday night in June after a particularly difficult (for me) spirit group discussion, a nights sleep that I don’t recall dreaming, and morning pages with my green gel ink pen that the honest truth came vomiting out!

The actual details are unimportant to anyone else, the information to be shared is my unwavering belief that i have been living in fear, uncertainty about my future, and a level of angst about my past. The illusion that i am controlling my life is just an illusion and what I am really saying is I’m afraid of the unknown. So many scary and sad things have happened to me in the past that I must control my future in order to be happy and protect myself. All illusion.

One tool to use to aid in figuring this stuff out is morning pages. Committing to writing in long hand…not on the computer…3 pages every morning. These should be written in a binder or in a notebook that only you will see. My intention is to burn my current journal because there are things I’ve written that I NO WAY want anyone else to read. This should not be in dear diary form although there are no wrongs for what works for you to get the juices flowing. The is not a recollection of yesterday’s adventures, what you did or what you ate…although what ate you might be more significant. The only rule is you write down what is in your mind at the moment and then build on it because that is how the thoughts work in our head. 3 pages….every morning. If this process intrigues you, check out Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way”.

Until next time….

WHAT is that smell?

I’ve been layed up for a week. Okay..seriously I have a little red squiggly line under layed…it certainly is not lied up…maybe it’s laid up…yep…no line…but I’m using layed…

Anyway…I had big toe joint surgery last Tuesday…the doctor sent me home with a large prescription of pain medication. During an office visit a month before, I indicated to him that I’m not keen on taking pain meds….will I really need them? Well, the first couple of days anyway, was his response. To that response I now say..liar, liar pants on fire, hell yes you need to take the pain meds….I won’t belabor the painful journey I’m on…physical and mental pain. Here’s my footwear! Oh…just one foot…the other foot I wear a pair of shoes the same height….finding that combination has so far proved impossible.

So because I sit continuously in my nest.

I kept smelling something…it would come and go…so this morning, I leaned over and smelled the cats…each one separately…I smelled my shirt, I smelled the bed linens and the pillows, I reached down and smelled that foot contraption…then I opened the lid and smelled that box. That’s it. I smelled every book, every journal…every oracle card box…everything….and then everything was out of that box….except a rolled up paper towel…it was rolled up so I didn’t get the dripped tuna salad on anything Yesterday and making it nearly invisible at the bottom of the box. I mentally apologized to the cats because they don’t listen to me anyway but I just felt bad that I questioned their hygiene since they work so hard at keeping clean.

Until next time….

Until next time….