ref the earlier post about the MRI…I laid perfectly still on that table for 55 minutes…she had a small problem and had to do one series again.  My body was all in but my head was sticking out…every now and then I had panic thoughts like what if something malfunctions and I go all the way in…I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe…then I would self talk myself and not push the emergency button.  When it was all over – once I could get up off the table – I looked inside….nuh uh..wouldn’t be able to go all body inside …sedation for me…it almost makes me short of breath just talking about it now.

I’m off to bed…

We had to be in Des Moines at 6:30 am for his colonoscopy…he has had so many of them due to treating colitis that they don’t even bring on nervousness anymore…and what is more…he does them without anesthesia..says there is just some discomfort but no pain.  Today they let me sit in the room and watch the monitor while they performed the colonoscopy…FASCINATING.. his female doctor talked thru the procedure explaining the nooks and crannys.  This is something everyone should experience to take away from the unknown and to make us feel more comfortable with the procedure.  She started with a dark room – she’s in with the scope and takes a journey around the curves biopsing as she goes along…he says you cannot feel the little snip..after the trip in – she snakes the scope out…that’s it.  The good news – his treatment seems to be working and he’s good to go.

Now for the reason the colonoscopy is the best thing that is going to happen to him today…as he was laying in the procedure room with his blood pressure and heart rate being monitored, I wanted to see what would happen so I stood up and flashed him…his heart rate went down…down…need I say more.

Until next time….

If you are reading this with your morning bran muffin…stop now, swallow, digest and come back.  Today we are going to talk about a topic that has taken over my life….poop.  People seldom discuss this taboo subject until they hit the 85 year mark and then all the poo talk that has backed up over the years seems to spring forth like those under 85 talk about the weather.  I’m not sure I’ve had a discussion with my mother or my aunt in the last few years that, at some point, hasn’t included talk about their bathroom habits.  Don’t want to know …. why do they think this is something they should talk about to everyone….I still cringe when I go to the doctor and someone asks me when was my last _____ ________.  Know what I mean?  Speaking of poo….

Cats have wonderful digestive tracks…we should be so lucky…everyday when I’m scooping cat poo from 2 cats who produce more in a day that my 3 large dogs, I wonder… 1) why can’t we teach dogs to poo in a box; 2) how can they possibly produce so much poo and 3) when begging for him to let me get cats – why did I say I would clean out the litter box and he didn’t have to touch them.  Kate and Luke were going to teach Zelda how to poo in the toilet…wonder how that is going for them?  Why do the cats sit in the basement and watch me scoop poo and then as soon as I’m finished, they crawl into the litter box and well, poo again.  I don’t get it….and why do these precious dogs of mine like to eat cat poo.  “he” calls them doggie tootsie rolls..I know…it’s a groaner but he doesn’t fail to mention it to anyone that we know well enough to discuss bathroom habits….and what is more…why do some dogs eat dog poo…this just seems wrong.  Everyone I’ve ever discussed this with say..”some dogs just do that”.  My son-in-law, Ryan said that he started feeding his german shepherd more food because he thought he was just hungry and that took care of the problem.  I tried it.  Nope…I think Marshal is probably just a closet poo eater.

….and then the question that has bugged me since I was a child.  Do you fold or crinkle..does your significant other fold or crinkle…how about your best friend?  I remember being a small child and seeing my  mother in the bathroom meticulously folding her toilet paper square by square (Too bad I didn’t pick up on this clue when I was younger).  I have always crinkled.  I crinkle because I have always thought it much more efficient.  Folding seems to just sllliiide by where as crinkling gives it different form and allows it to reach all nooks and crevices…By crinkling, I think you can get by using less toilet paper because in a scrunched ball, you can use less because you don’t have to worry about any finger poking thru issues….and now that you can buy double rolls of toilet paper, I can hardly stand a single roll anymore.  Somehow a double roll seems substantial, safe, the little face in the roll says “I’ll always be there for you”.  Now when I get a new single roll, I feel cheated..I love the double rolls…

…and the most important topics shy of world hunger and world peace…hanging the toilet paper on the holder.  I think back in the days of color printed toilet paper that it looked better with the end going over the roll but I prefer it to go under.  I don’t know why anyone thinks it comes off the roll better when it goes over…I think just the opposite…although it doesn’t look very good when it is hanging down behind,  but then, who lets their toilet paper hang down…I remember when great newspaper columnist, Ann Landers, did some stories on over or under toilet paper rolls, they were probably some of her most well-read columns… At one time, I thought perhaps you could choose your friends by their toilet paper habits…but, I soon learned that was not possible because I have some very good friends who absolutely refuse to change their hanging rules…although I think they crinkle so I can get past the whole hanging thing.

I have another irritation and that is the waste of dental floss in this country…but we’ll talk about that later….

I had a fact finding meeting with the boss this morning…it was painful but manageable…he told me that he was shocked when I came to him with my error yesterday morning – he said he didn’t expect it from me …that helped my self esteem a bit.  He will pass the news on to the sheriff and they will let me know what my discipline will be. 

So…I went to the doctor…I sugar coated my problems just a bit to him…but found out that I’m not even on a therapeutic dose of my anti-depressant (which I’ve taken since my dad died) and that might cause – irritability (or total rage at my mother), suicidal thoughts, inability to concentrate (or remember anything?), that brain fog…he upped my medication..said give it 2 or 3 weeks to see if there is a different.  Please God let there be a difference.

And then the knee…He thinks it should be stronger and more healed than it is…said there was fluid on the knee in the xray I had taken at the ER the “night of the falling tree”.  Says he thinks I’ve probably torn something and not just sprained it..so he ordered an MRI.

That is it for my trials and tribulations.

Until next time…..

I made a serious error at work last night…this wasn’t just a stupid mistake and it certainly wasn’t intentional and no “harm” was done to the victim but it could have been catastrophic…I had too many things to do at the same time…these were not life and death things but several officers wanting something from me at the same time…this obviously created a vapor lock which made me totally blow off what I was doing at the moment.  This in no way should be taken as an excuse…this is what happened.  I’m sure the bosses took some heat during day shift today…maybe not..but, I guess that is why they get the big bucks.  I’m note even sure that when I go to work tonight I won’t make another mistake…I’m feeling very vulnerable…I’m feeling gun shy…I don’t really want to get back up on that bike seat…this is not about whether I will be disciplined…there is hardly anything (other than losing my job) which will make me feel any worse than I already do.  I, so don’t have perspective, that if I were a supervisor, I don’t even know what I would do…I’ve been in a dark room between awake and slumber all day just thinking…and what I figured out is…this total need for perfection comes from my school report cards. 

I was not a good student…I was good with english…I had a good head on my shoulders about how to get by.  I sucked at math…because I had bad teachers or because I have no mathematical aptitude – we’ll never know.  I didn’t care about history because my mother always spouted how she hated history…and at the time, I had no interest in science…therefore, I was a bad student and I didn’t care.  I don’t believe I had the slightest ideas about life and school was just something to get thru.  I didn’t have the type of parents who taught me to value education…I had no clue after a year at bible college that I could actually go to a college and get loans without my parents helping me.  Quite frankly, I had no idea that I should go to college.

The only thing I knew was that if I brought home a bad report card – bad was a “c” or anything below, that I was sick.  I was sick and scared and petrified for my mother to come home because she was brutal…but it didn’t change anything.  She didn’t encourage me to do better…she threatened me that I must get a better report card or else.  I don’t remember my dad ever talking to me about the report card – no discussion.  I was scared to death of the mother, though…so that brings me to question…why didn’t I apply myself because that obviously was a consequence…a raging mother if I had a bad report card – perhaps I didn’t really put the two together.

While I was laying in bed today – I felt the sickness in my gut, that total fear, that horrible feeling that I had done something really bad, that total fear that keeps me on the right track…that total fear that used to make me demand perfection from others…that total fear of the day I had to bring home the report card to my mother.

I have no choice…I’m a big girl now…I have to go to work tonight…I will be disciplined – although disciplined about a screw up which had no intent seems a little wrong.  Quite frankly, any discipline handed down will not be any worse than the self annihilation I went thru today.

bleh

What happened to the kids and human services in Texas that the media choked us with information a few months ago.  These were the kids rescued from the commune due to abuse or what the state of Texas said was abuse but perhaps overstepped their bounds??  Didn’t have real evidence…I’m thinking perhaps had they actually done some investigating, they would have found some probable cause; but no – someone  went off half cocked….probably a pun in there somewhere.

Since we sit here in the heartland, I’m guessing we are just following the lead of the east or the west in newspaper blogs…Calling these things blogs, kind of irritates me – I suppose if I cared enough to look up the definition of blog, they might fit under the heading…but what’s the deal.  Our local newspaper with a daily monday thru Friday distribution is plum full of comments – especially about the police – and especially about the city of 15,000 in general…I’m talking about downright slanderous comments about cops, judges and the county attorney…in the beginning, I was shocked!!!  I don’t read them anymore other than an occasional check when something piques my interest and I want to know what the dirt bag, scum suckers have to say about it.  The one thing I did learn was that our society right now is bogged down with a bunch of punks who have no respect for authority, no humility, have never learned consequences for their actions and have such drug addled minds that they are mental midgets.  It’s scary……these are not normal, middle class, law abiding citizens with an opinion…these are the screaming idiots who call 911 every weekend for some current drama in their lives… these are the citizens that fill the county jail and a check of their booking records shows – unemployed.  These are the women who call the police at night because their kids won’t go to bed, their kids are mouthing off to them, their kids are out of control, their significant other just beat the crap out of them but they don’t want him/her arrested…they can’t understand that if they call the police about a domestic abuse – the officer has no choice to arrest if there are marks or signs of an assault – this is state law.  The domestic abuse laws are important – but the  women/men who really are abused or really need help never call – its the screamers who get tanked up and call every weekend with the same non-grammatical crap – he “done” this to me…or the 14 year old kids that calls at 3:45 in the morning – he just got home and his parents are sleeping – he needs an officer because some 8th graders at the party were threatening to beat him up.  WHY IS HE OUT WITH A BUNCH OF 8TH GRADERS AT 3:45 IN THE MORNING AND WHY IN THE HELL ARE HIS PARENTS SLEEPING.

Uh huh…off to work….

I go back to work in less than an hour…I’m very relaxed..this has been 5 of the best days off I have ever had.  The only time related activity I have had to plan was my haircut – which was not something to dread.  I spent 5 days sleeping late, being  comfortable doing my own thing and staying up all night watching episode after episode of Sex and the City.  I don’t believe that a week like this is what we call reality…life is made up of goods and bad…this week was just a gift of peace.

Until next time….