It’s spelled A N X I E T Y

I’m totally stressed out today. Don’t read this if you don’t want to hear me whine…

I have an attorney appointment scheduled for this afternoon…Among the issues is the dirt bag x-tenant hasn’t payed his water bill and the account can’t be switched to the new tenant until ilt is payed..over $200 .. I’m going after him..this o’well, I’ll just take care of it is over. I’m pissed.

At the other house, a tree on the property line broke off during a storm this summer…beautiful walnut tree. It didn’t hit the ground because it fell into the neighbor’s tree. She’s an old lady with almost as much determination as I have. She says we are going to pay for the tree to be removed from her property and I say we are not. Had she just taken care of it, we would have helped…but now…she’s on her own. Put your money on me. I’m starting to feel vindictive…she just may have the whole tree on her property before the weekend is over…and God knows we can’t go on her property to clean it up.

I’m getting the shaft on farm land rental. Going to talk about the procedure for getting the amount increased per acre before the new contract goes into effect.

I’m stressed out about my good hearted older daughter who won’t stand up for herself…

I’m stressed out about the life of the green plants for my younger daughter’s reception.

I promised good vibes to a friend who starts chemo/radiation this week and I’m letting her down because I can’t muster up a peaceful mind to get them sent off to her.

I’m working on rewriting the SOP at work…it is on my mind all of the time…it is a big job. I can do it but can barely force myself not to do it at home so I can just get it done…

I see the therapist on Friday…

Onward and Upward

Until next time…

An IHOP…are you kidding me

@Tracy posted on Facebook that search warrants are being executed at IHOPS around Toledo because of suspected terrorist activity. HOLY TOLEDO…I just had to say that once again because it has become one of my favorite phrases since I met @Tracy and her sister, Erin. IHOP…the only other bad thing I can remember about IHOP is the disgusting joke that went around several years ago…I HOP…I can’t even remember what it was now but I didn’t think it was funny.

I had intended to start out my blog this morning about fantasy football because I seriously need to boast my win. This win is over our league commissioner, one of my favorite people, Mr. competitive sport, one of the best fantasy football trash talkers around…but HE LOST!! I doubt most of you will remember (because it was only desperately important to me) that I won our league Super Bowl last year…until all the stats were finalized and I had to give the money up to one of my arch enemies…I mean it wasn’t even a freeking point…just loose change. Last week (the first week of FF) we played again and I’ll be damned but he beat me again… My number one arch nemises, Pat tied this week instead of actually losing which totally bummed me out. He has been calling for a getting all women out of our league…this year, he agreed to no women unless they are over menopause. I hope to surround his aura in estrogen and have considered contacting his wife to help make him miserable!! Oh…he was only joking about the woman thing, I think.

Sun is shining…I have errands to run…and that addictive word game with friends on I need another addiction!!

Until next time….

It’s a story about cell division….

While I was pacing for the minute or less it takes my Tassimo to flush thru my first cup of coffee, I remembered about my “SO, THERE” thoughts I had about cell division when I was just a child. This is the type of stuff I’m talking about with therapy and clarity. This stuff just pops into my head now that I’ve cleared away the first level of crap – thoughts are able to squeeze thru into my conscious mind…anyway…I can, now, vividly remember when I first heard about cell division in the body…my childhood coping mechanism with my mother was…cells, mom, the cells renew themselves so today, I’m not the same as when you had me…inside I was screaming – I’m not yours anymore I have different cells. When I remembered that this morning, I stopped to give it a moment…As a child, I was coping and trying to distance myself from that woman. I will paraphrase @Tracy this morning, don’t need to comment, just needed to get that out – that is the therapy of blogging for me.

I have no idea what time “he” got up this morning, but I slept until around the 10 o’ clock hour…I have not done that in months…I have been getting up around 7 every morning whether I need to or not…my work day bell ringing time is 6 so I always feel I’m sleeping in when I can make it to 7. I don’t like to sleep this late anymore…I want to get up at ’em and not waste a minute of a precious day off. He’s over putting a few pieces of insulation in the rental house basement and caulking the shower…our new tenants want to start moving a few things in tomorrow…we want it to be ready for them…brand spankin’ clean and ready to go.

In case you city folk don’t know it…It’s fall. The corn and beans are turning yellow – some fields are nearly all yellow…it’s 56 degrees outside and it is sprinkling…one of those depressing overcast, rainy days. I”m not sure why this is important because I probably would spend the day inside even if it were sunny. That is one of the things I”m trying to get back to…take it outside and feel the wind blow on your face and feel the sun warm your skin and just feel. I”m not to a point yet where I can roll the windows down and crank up the radio and fly down the highway just at peace with myself. That is my goal.

Upward and Onward.

Until next time….

It’s an uncomfortable is amazing what a little therapy

can do for you.  I’m not expecting perfection or total clarity, but I knew that my thought processes were messed up…so I decided to try therapy.  At the 6 month mark, I would say I’ve worked thru the first layer of the disfunction.  I tried to break thru some of the brick walls with just Oprah, a couple of books and an incredible amount of grit.  I don’t believe it would have been possible for me to have gotten where I am at this moment without help.  One thing that I don’t understand yet is:  How do you know there is another side; that abuse, narcissism, and downright craziness are the not the norm.  How does one realize that it is possible to feel better and not just grovel in the filth of your psychic nest?

…then there is suicide.  Suicide as an answer to….. right to commit suicide? Does everyone think about suicide at some point in their life?  Is suicide okay for the terminally ill but not the terminally depressed?

When I think of suicide now and further down the list, succumbing (is that a word) to the pull of suicide, I realize the thought process is different and probably not normal.  I had a talk one time with a good friend who said she thought suicidal thoughts, when you were in the belly of depression, were like opening the security valve…an out…you know that there is a way to stop the pain when you can’t take it anymore.  I don’t believe that suicidal thought is normal.  I will say that the security valve option did cross my mind.  Despair is despair.

One day on my way home from therapy, it hit me and nearly brought tears to my eyes…suicide is not NORMAL…do not read more into that statement than what is written.  I hold true and fast to the thought …if someone truly must escape the pain, they have every right to do so…I’ve more than once had to bite my tongue while listening to some sactimonious, close minded individual holding court as to the ethical, moral and religious reason that this mentally ill, weak person shouldn’t have done it and lamenting the fact that they just can’t understand why someone would do it.

Don’t you dare judge….

Until next time….

It’s nine eleven

I was working 911 on 911/2001..I have never been able to get the reference out of my mind.

I’ve always been one of those people who is a patriotic crier. It doesn’t have to be the actual acts of patriotism. the songs get me too…songs and flag waving. Makes me tear up every time. Back in the good ole days when Katy and I traveled around watching drum corp shows..especially the championships, I would be reduced to a quivering mass during the America/O Canada finale…

My dad died in January of 2001…I often wonder how he would have reacted and after much inner thought, what words he would have used after the assault on America.

I’ve been hesitant about football today..somewhere in my seems wrong to be obnoxiously excited about the season’s official Sunday start today and the enjoyable trash talking that usually accompanies Sunday fantasy football. One part of me feels we should show reverance to those families remembering their loved ones… a nation we have survived and a lot of our nation’s people celebrate living in this great country with Sunday afternoon spirit.

I posted Toby Keith’s Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue on my facebook wall. Mother freedom is still ringing her bell…

Spend the day, the way you want to spend the day…lots of people have died to give you that privilege….Just remember.

Until next time…

First order of business…the first subscription blog up this morning was from the @transvestite_rabbit. Whether you agree or not..there is some very compelling thought to take in…if you aren’t one of those closed minded friends that I love anyway!!!

In several instances this week (and I don’t know if I’m just open because of vacation or if I’m just relaxed and willing to open my heart and mind), I’ve been surprised about my total closed mind, rigid, anal retentive opinions about some things..this, from the queen of “I may disagree with what you say, but I’ll fight for your right to say it”.

Case in point. I judge “him” about his wierd eating habits – structured meal times – inability to just be happy with a peanut butter sandwich for dinner some nights. WHO DO I THINK I AM. Our eating habits and meal times and food in general has always been and continues to be one of our biggest sources of disagreement in this house..well that and his music, his TV shows, taste in cars, plain vs busy taste in clothing, discipline of the kids and critters, along with his ability to put something out of his mind…and just relax while the sky is falling. Few things irritate me more than the notification tone on his cell phone. Quite frankly, we agree on very few things, we know it, we deal with it, we laugh about it, I get very irritated and we love each other anyway..I put up with a lot, people..he and his opinions are seldom correct. But it seems to work..we just celebrated 32 years and have been together 35. The recent buzz phrase I picked up lately is “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy”…that one replaces “if it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger” that I seriously thought about having tatooed somewhere on my body. Right underneath..Don’t touch me…are you serious and stop it, get down, get off the counter and the word, scream, which is my reaction to whatever TV show he is watching.

Back to this week. Everytime I’ve had one of these thoughts this week, I’ve asked myself – WHO DO I THINK I AM. While it IS all about me…it really ISN’T all about me. This morning, I wonder if these unselfish reality thoughts could actually change the way I think when I’m back to work and experiencing normal life.

I will have to say the music to “How It’s Made” makes me homicidal..I’m not sure I can ever change that..just like he puts his ear plugs in at night way before it’s time to sleep because he doesn’t like to hear the dialogue of Young and the Restless while relaxing to lala land.

I might add he looks adorable in his jeans and hooded sweatshirt on the lawn mower this morning..although I don’t understand this insane drive to mow the lawn when there are other things that need to be done.

Until next time….

It’s hard when no sunlight gets in

Sometimes – probably more frequently than we want to admit…we get into the metaphorical forest and find it is so full of roots and trees and branches that we cannot even see which direction to go….but there is someone on the other side of the forest wanting to get in, so they are slowly clearing the path and you see a glimpse of light…you had no idea that you had been standing next to a thorn tree and whenever you tried to relax, you were being stuck by a thorn…you must start walking toward that glint of light but you realize the boots you have been wearing for a long time are worn out and no longer comfortable, you have to take them off so you can run, but you realize that your feet don’t hurt as bad with boots that don’t fit anymore as they do when you have to walk thru the thicket barefoot. The closer you get out of the forest, you start to realize you are a little bit chilly because you are no longer protected and resting in the warmth of the forest, but you make the decision to continue to your goal. As you get ready to break into the vastness of the world outside the forest, you are mixed with excitement and terror, fear and laughter as you break free of the trees and the vines that have held you in for so long. You make it out and realize how breathtakingly beautiful it is, you want to breath deep, roll in the grass, clap your hands, twirl around and laugh…just laugh…you made it.

Until next time…

It’s time for the weddings….

MsKimba’s daughter and son-in-law are renewing wedding vows later this month on their first anniversary…Katy and Luke are getting married next month. MsKimba is planning Sarah’s wedding because the couple lives in Omaha – 3 hours away and are getting married here…I’m not planning a wedding…it will be 10 hours away and it just isn’t practical…Luke and Katy have it under control. Kim talks to me about her mother of the bride dress…Christa, Jenny and I went mother of the bride dress shopping in KC last weekend. Both girls are wanting a greenery wedding. We have discussed what greens will grow in pots, how long it will take, how it will look until quite frankly I’M TOTALLY FREAKED OUT!!! Not about greenery…it is obviously the subconscious mind. I dreamed last night..and if I didn’t know anything about dreams, I would say I was naked and showering in the shower in the middle of the room for several hours while people worked around me. I was late getting to Sarah’s reception and letting Kim down because I was in the room painting my fingernails when the guy dressed in army fatigues was going thru things in the room and putting them in his bag..finally – in the rain, I went to the wedding reception where the Mine Task Force passed me looking for the guy in fatigues and I was quite able to help with information. When I got to the reception, things were being handled…other people were helping Kim with the food. on and on and on.

I was very happy to wake up in bed all by myself fully clothed.

The little doo-hinky on the top of my insulated coffee cup doesn’t stay open…so I take a drink of coffee and it runs down my chin – considering the amount of coffee on the front of my sweatshirt, I’m wondering if it has been doing it since I started drinking this cup, but bypassing my chin .. only occasionally do I feel the dribble or am I just numb and didn’t feel it….or am I still dreaming…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Until next time….