I’m up for a few minutes this morning…actually got out of bed because my throat is tender and I wanted to take a pm med so I can sleep…my days off have been sleep deprived….I’ve slept during every time period over the 3 days but can only sleep for 5 or 6 hours…not like me.

I got to bed about 0400 this morning…that is after being up for approximately 24 hours.  Jenny, Nikki and Kim came over thursday night for a girls night so I knew I would be okay because I had their visit to look forward to…about 10 minutes after they left, I got a call from Lutheran Hospital telling me that Helen had taken a turn for the worse..she has a kidney infection which they were treating..but she was complaining about shortness of breath, her temp was high and she wasn’t responding to them…the nurse thought I ought to come..so I called Jenny to see if she would go with me.  Upon arrival, the nurse indicated that they just brought her back to the room from a CT to see if there was a clot on her lung and they had taken some blood to determine if she had a blood infection…but good news her fever was going down…soon after we got there, she reported the good news that her lungs were clear…Jenny and I took our spots beside the bed and started talking to her when she woke up.  The first thing said was – Hi Grandma, it’s Jenny…she turned her head..the nurse came in to ask her some questions and she was slow to answer but answered…the next few minutes involved me talking to her asking if her legs were uncomfortable because she was moving them around…she gave me a nasty look and said WHAT DO YOU THINK…then would stare off at the blank TV…Mom, are you having trouble breathing…NASTY LOOK WHAT DO YOU THINK.  This continued for quite some time.  Jenny and I had no idea what was going on…her IV alarm went off when she bent her arms and she immediately straightened them so we knew someone was in there so to speak…then she asked me in her mad, haughty voice how I could have done it…how could I have ordered that test without asking her…WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT…then we figured out she thought I had ordered the CT test on her…she was MAD…Jenny spent time trying to explain that she was unresponsive and the hospital had orders from a doctor to do what they had to do to find out what was wrong.  She continued to be argumentative until I thought I would blow and say something I would regret unless I got out of the room… Jenny continued to patiently explain logic to her for several more minutes..I assume she understood and knew that the horrible daughter, whom she couldn’t decide if she wanted me to know that she was in the hospital this time, didn’t do anything TO her other than come from 40 miles away in the middle of the night when called so she wouldn’t be alone on the death bed…I would think that should count for something.

Until next time….

Helen went back to Des Moines to live with her sister…Oh Happy Day!!!!  Yippee…woo hoo…Hallelujuah…diet cokes for the world..I’m buying….

Tired of being the stable rock…have quite a few past regrets…found it remarkable in a recent facebook get-to-know you test, nearly all of my friends answered yes when asked…would you want to go back in the future.  NO, Holy mother of God, NO.  No if it would be the same as it is now….if I could change some things – well, maybe..

I just recently had a major ah ha moment about abandonment…”he” actually came up with it…for years from childhood to adult and motherhood, my dad talked about leaving my mother…of course he always told me about it because he obviously had no one else to talk to about it.  Of course, Helen, has no recollection of any bad times in her marriage…I’m imagining things.  Phil and I have figured out that I was so desperate not to lose my father that it was marked on my emotional baggage like a cheap tattoo…this is the reason why I don’t handle friends moving in and out of my life so easy…especially the ones who move out of my geographical area…this is not even mentioning the devastation that absent family has on me or had on me.  I recently realized that the crazy, irrational BS that Helen surrounded me with for all of these years…surrounded is probably not actually the word…saddled…has truly screwed me up and I really would like to use the F word to enhance how much she screwed me up but I’ll leave it at screwed….now, I realize that if you love something you will let it go to be happy…you will let them make decisions that are best for their life…they must be allowed to follow their dream and to do what is right for them…I must let them have the freedom, love, encouragement and little push that I so desperately wanted and needed back then.  Things would be different now.  But you can’t go back.  For me, it’s time to break the cycle.  I’m doing it with my kids and I”m feeling damn good about it.  Time for me to move on…or for Phil and I to move on and not be held back by our fears or what we should do…should is could that wouldn’t step out of the comfort zone.  There is only up from here…upward and onward…

Until next time….

Just suppose for a second that you are 91 years old and that you have a sibling that is 93…this sibling is your only sibling..this sibling you used to defend when you had a famly at home over and above the husband or only child.  This 93 year old sister left her home, friends and life to come stay with you for a year so you could get out of the nursing home…realized that she had had enough mistreatment and went back home.  Everytime your daughter goes away, lets say you go and stay with this older sibling so she can take care of you…everyone including your doc has told you that you should not be staying alone that you need to find somewhere to live so there will be someone to take care of you…so you and your sister decide that there is a 2 bedroom apt open in her complex and she is willing to move there with you although she is afraid of how she will make ends meet if something happens to you before her because she won’t be able to afford it.  Paperwork has been completed…it is a go…then the elder sisters tells you she will continue to pay to pay what she pays now and you only need to chip in $100 dollar a month because you still have your house that you have to pay everything to keep…but you disagree and so you tell her because you are so vane that you want to pay half of the rent but sis insists that you have enough financial burdens and that you don’t need to pay half…just $100 and she will continue to pay what she does pay…and you continue to argue until you get to the point that you say….I’m not going to do it…I’m going to go home…and I”m not coming here ever again..in fact, if you want to see me, you will have to come to my house (40 miles away)…so if you don’t come to my house, I probably won’t see you again.

Yup……she’s home……

Until next time..

I spent my day off with Debbie today…which was actually yesterday.  It was scheduled as our monthly scrapbooking but Karen couldn’t make it so it was just the two of us.  Her birthday was last week – we celebrated today..she decorated our playroom and ordered salads from Applebees and had hor’derves with an island taste including a refreshing drink which contained an entire shot glass of run in the pitcher.  It was wonderful…we always have lots of fans going so it also felt like we had an island breeze blowing on us.

I got a lot of scrapbooking done.  She was working on cards…or should I say “card”.  The verse for the card was finally completed at 0230 am…

I finished another John Sandford book this morning..Phantom Prey…if you love mysteries, you need to read all of the Prey books featuring Lucas Davenport…Rules of Prey is the first one.  You don’t have to read them in order but it helps because he refers back to other cases in his books.  “he” and I have read all of the Prey novels except for the new one “Wicked Prey” which I’m not sure is out in paperback yet.

That’s about it.  Back to work tomorrow night or actually tonight because it is tomorrow already….aaacccckkkkkkk

Until next time….

Do you ever meet someone and immediately don’t like them?  Vibes, arrogance, what comes out of the mouth….I question motives, I hear things..I question the arrogance or just ignorance..I don’t need to be nice, just professional…sometimes professional is tough…I let them get to me..it’s me.  When this has happened in the past, I’ve been forced by my lack of control to nicely, verbally kick their ass so they know to tread lightly.  I’m trying not to do that this time although they know that there is an issue because they are dancing around like an idiot when they just need to shut the pie hole…just venting here…others feel the same because it is talked about..same issues as I see..how do others just keep calm or is their gossip their way of dealing with it.  Why is it important, why do I let it bother me as long as it doesn’t affect me, just let it go…they will hang themselves with enough free rope…just deal with what you have to deal with and quit thinking about it… ignore and  maintain……

Then there is subject number 2…I don’t think there is a lick of smarts in there…just the mouth..just the need to constantly talk…doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing or thinking..talk talk talk…SHUT UP…. I mostly totally ignore to the point of being a bitch…afraid that if I let loose, Ill hurt feelings and I don’t want to do that…just SHUT UP…

Those are the only two people in my life right now that cause me angst…they aren’t really in my life…they just brush against my life…who says I have to be kind and just take it…can I say…go away…shut up…you don’t need to talk to me and if there is a reason to talk to me…do it..short, sweet and to the point……

One thing that I didn’t realize when I was young, was the cycles one goes thru in their life.  I speak solely of myself here but I find in general, just from listening to conversation, that this may be universal with the difference being the individual changes of cycles.  Most recently, I find myself feeling almost personally selfish…I don’t feel the need to socialize just to socialize…the people I want to be with are the people I am with and the people that I used to have to psych myself up to be around just aren’t in my life anymore.  Selfish…is that the word or may I categorize it as quality time.  Along those same lines, I occasionally wonder if something is wrong with me because I’m so content to stay home…I don’t need to be doing something all of the time..being with people…being in groups…I want to be home doing what I want to do until I decide I want to go somewhere.  Selfish…is that the word or may I categorize it as content with myself….I love to reconnect with folks on facebook..I love to read their posts every day and see what they are up to.  I would not be able to keep up with all of the happenings if I had to call and talk to everyone on the phone everyday…I just wouldn’t do it.  Someone told me recently that she thought I was hiding behind my computer…I gave her opinion some thought and I know this is not true.  I am just in a different place than she is in.  I love making connections with my new and old friends on a daily basis on the computer…

Never before have I been comfortable to pursue my hobbies…I have a lot of interests and I am having fun.  I have friends like me, I have friends more reclusive than me and I have friends who are still social butterflys.  As long as you are living the dream..whose business is it anyway….

Just a little snippet of stupidity in our society and/or what is wrong with parents.  Many man/woman hours spent last night because of an overseas phone call advising he was in a chat room and someone  was saying “no one will listen to them” “they are thinking about killing themselves” and lucky for me they live in Newton, Iowa.  The caller was able to give me the IP address and the user name.  The caller and I also had an unbelievable language barrier.  We didn’t find them last night because we didn’t have an after hour number for the internet company to help us locate the IP number…that has changed…with today’s help from the internet company, the culprits were found…either a mid teenage girl or her younger teenage brother…they denied it…mom said they had had some issues before with the computer…mom said they were just joking…why was either one of these teenagers on the computer in a chat room at 03:46 in the morning…my initial reaction was STUPID KIDS …but really WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE ADULTS!!!

Well, here are the pictures…the camera colors are just not true as I found out with the green room…here’s before

it was actually pepto bismal pink and we added the green because there was a black paint line around the entire bathroom that we knew was going to be hard to cover up…plus…I thought I was going to paint this color in the bathroom until I realized there were no windows and this would be way too dark..so here he is starting the trim work – without taping woodwork, I might add….

and here’s what it ended up looking like.  The floors are black marble tile…

I’m working on all of the accumulated crud in all of the other rooms that has accumulated over the last couple of days…then off to work…going to play a little more with the Cricut…obviously it is going to take some time to learn all of the creative possibilities…soooo….

Until next time….