Hanging at eye level out my kitchen window is this shriveled leaf still attached to its branch. It has survived several windy autumn days, thunderstorms, gentle rain, sleet and a significant snow storm and still remains today while, again, snow flakes fall all around.
Occasionally it will flutter with a breeze but continues to hang secure to its branch refusing to give up…its not time for it to release and softly drift to the ground to join the other leaves. It is a quiet reminder for me about the simplicity of life in nature…
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
First two lines of the chorus of These Dreams sung by Heart (just in case you aren’t familiar). I felt aggressive, angry and hateful when I woke this morning and it didn’t take me long to realize who the characters were in my dreams and what rolls they were playing. I realized I was continuing the fear based thinking as I took my first sips of coffee. As is usually the case in writing my feelings out and replacing those fear based thoughts with love and gratitude, it all starts to make sense and disappear.. or heal?? Each time I work through monkey brain thinking, I realize the mental flapping quiets!
The last two mornings, I have decided to take advantage of the solitude and sit by the pond on the walking trail. The sun on my back, shifting the rocks under my sit-down for comfort, the variety of bird songs all around me, the occasional plop of a fish, and the ever smooth glide of a goose through the water leaving a silent wake on the still, pond of glass. These are the moments when a peaceful meditation just happens as you just slide your eyelids closed.
The perfume from the blooming honeysuckle eventually gets me on my feet following the scent…..one of those ingredients of spring I savor!
Until next time…
I woke up peacefully this morning. I slept with the drapes over the open deck door wide open last night and the view overwhelmed me with contentment……I allowed myself the luxury of laying in bed drifting in and out of light dozing and soaking in the love and friendship of the girls weekend in Des Moines.
As fall weather starts the slow creep with cool overnight temperatures, I hope to wake each morning feeling love and peace and remove myself from the pain that seeps in during the day from the news of what is happening in our country. because I can’t physically do anything about the ugliness all around me, I will endeavor to combine my peacefulness and love collectively with other loving souls and send it quietly out into the universe. This will be a challenge to close myself off to the negative I allow to be fed to me. But, I will try.
Until next time…..
But actually it was a fail! While this kind of dream may seem quite negative….I woke up feeling stronger than I have in a few months….
Memories of the dream are sketchier as the morning awake progresses but hang with me here a bit…
I had a huge argument – yelling argument – with Sheriff V. In real life he was an asshole I worked for…I was so surprised in the dream that the next day he offered me and 3 co workers a weekend away in a hotel. I was skeptical. We checked into the hotel…I was with Lynnette; and, Craig and Marsha roomed together. I was immediately back at work and walked around the corner and He (the real husband-correctional officer) whispered that I was being set up. In order to find out what was going on, I participated in some flirting with the sheriff and then came upon a box containing a brown paper sack and list of the 4 of us employees and what hotel rooms we were in. I stuck my hand in the sack and it was full of cocaine. I showed him my hand covered with the cocaine and told him I knew what his plan was and I then called the local newspaper.
….and that is all I remember….I woke up feeing strong, empowered and in control of my life again.
I have had several “therapy” conversations with Jenny as to why I just can’t seem to get back to feeling at peace – I had kidney cancer, I had surgery, the cancer was contained in the kidney and when the kidney was removed…so was the cancer…but I couldn’t seem to get my peace of life back again.
It takes awhile when we encounter struggle in our lives…it takes time to work through it. Once we think we have dealt with our own particular life struggle, we expect to get a high role on the dice and jump back into it. It takes time…sometimes we just have to wallow in our struggle until we get more strength to continue the climb.
….and for those of you reading this who know the characters in the dream…and perhaps will disagree with my description of this Sheriff V. Disagree…that’s your opinion…and by putting it out there in MY blog in black and white – I’ve had the courage to put it out there the way I lived it and stepped up one more rung on my ladder.
Until next time….