The instruction manual for the other mind

I find my living in the moment mind amongst the rubble of life by simply realizing what is happening right now…at this moment full stop. Using this mind certainly does not happen easily in our instant gratification world. Simply, it is the mind that must be used to heal the angst and the pain we allow to control our lives every second of the day.

Here’s the on-line instruction manual with directions for how to use this peaceful other mind: ask yourself what is happening right now…right this moment! Interpreted….If I’m not thinking and living the past while constantly being triggered to react to present moments by how I felt when…what someone said …. what someone did TO me… how I felt about the last conversation or the last person I encountered. Or the future…what I have to do today while at work…the stress of grocery shopping or meal preparation … how am I going to lose weight…OMG I have to do this or that. Nope…right now in this moment. In this once in a lifetime present moment, if the mental chatter stopped, if the stories we tell ourselves stopped, right now WITHOUT all of the fears we carry…with this breath I’m breathing is everything ok? Quite frankly, I am seldom able to live here in this moment all day long because, of course, I have figured out an excuse..I have 60 plus years of habitual thinking and over thinking to stop and like everyone else, I have that persistent, incessant talker sitting on my shoulder distracting me.

But what I have found is once I find the discipline to quiet my mind, I realize that my anxiety, my angst, my fears are not from things happening in the present. They are the thoughts of my past or fears of my perceived future. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the past…it’s done and gone unless I keep my version of it alive in my mind…and the future hasn’t happen…I really have no control of the future in spite of my obsessive thinking that I can control it.

A short exercise to bring my mind to a screeching halt is to STOP! Take 3 deep breaths and say to myself….3 things I see right now, 3 things I hear right now and reach out and touch three things I can feel right now. If I practice this every time I am aware of anxiety, irritation, dislike or fear, soon I realize that what is going on right this minute is just fine…is peaceful and this is where I’m going to live….but just like having a push ups goal, it takes practice.

namaste

It’s taken me nearly 2 years to figure it out

The difference in the thought process and the decisions I make in my life are based solely on which brain I’m using. Oh….and I certainly don’t speak from a tone of arrogance here…I don’t share this because I always listen to the right brain…but I’m speaking from hours and hours of study….I eventually figure it out and know the difference in which brain I’m thinking WITH. Kind of comes down to my “knowing” brain just knows that I ended that last sentence with a preposition. As soon as I typed it, I knew it was going to be the last word in the sentence and I knew that grammatically there was “someone” out there who learned the old school rigid rules about prepositions and would think…she just ended that sentence in a preposition “tsk”.

….and then she/he might really examine my other sentences like…OMG she just started that sentence with and…then…same person might go back to a time in school when they learned about past participles or prepositions or to spelling tests and perhaps compare themselves to a sibling who could do difficult math in their head or remember when they used to get in trouble for day dreaming and by the time that whole thought process was over, this person felt like a total failure….all over a preposition trigger. This person who first noticed the idiot woman’s blog that ends her sentences in a preposition just triggered a lengthy egoic or “personal” mind process that left them feeling inferior or insecure and in all probability introduced a mindset of being snippy with someone..sent them to the kitchen to eat their insecurity away or had them ordering something on Amazon to make themselves feel better.

This is just one of the minds we think with. The mind of fear. After many years of driving accident free, one traffic accident-fender bender might have you afraid to drive on the interstate. Having a cancer diagnosis upon returning from a long trip out of the country might have you afraid to travel again, an early life of worry about not having money to feed the kids might have you fearing poverty even with a bank or mattress full of money. The egoic mind. The mind that you fear with, compare yourself to others with, feel insecure with…the mind that provides a free-of-charge little voice on your shoulder that chatters incessantly through out your day telling you that you are not ok.

There is another mind…

Later!

Fear

In my spiritual journey, I find there are so many topics, themes, opinions, beliefs that are universal among new thought books/authors, teachers and gurus. As I have drilled down on these topics, I have found that this stuff makes total sense as opposed to the fundamental beliefs of the preachers, teachers, opinionated male dominant hierarchy teachings that have been used to control the multitudes for thousands of years. The bottom line is that we…as in everything on this planet…are connected. Each human being is connected as one and is reliant on all of nature to keep the balance. Everything is connected.

All of our angst, feelings of superiority, insecurity and hate…everything that isn’t love…is fear. And fear comes from that little voice in our head that is constantly talking to us…we can call that little voice…the ego. All of our fear thoughts originate from stories we tell ourselves. I’m ugly, I don’t fit in because I have a big nose, I don’t like someone because they looked at me a certain way…on and on and on. These stories we tell ourselves are not the result of what someone has DONE to us but actually is that “something” buried deep within us. So we revolt. Often, those things about ourselves that we recognize and “don’t like” are exactly the behaviors in someone else that causes us to be locked and loaded when triggered into an angry response and behavior. A simple example…the friend who thinks they will be safe from everything by having rules for everything….built in protection…if I can control it with rules, it can’t hurt me. If this friends behavior crosses your invisible line of acceptance of your rules and he/she irritates you, is it because you have very fixed rules for the perception of safety and you are triggered. The friend that doesn’t wear makeup….do you judge her because you are insecure about the way you look and never leave the house unless embellished? Is she wrong or do you need to examine the insecurity within yourself that she triggers? In general we judge or dislike someone who brings out the insecurities we are hiding.

The illusion of the need to protect ourselves comes from a long history of experiences in our life that may have hurt our feelings, damage us physically/mentally and made us feel unsafe or not good enough. We attached emotion to those “things” and initiated protection alerts for our hearts. It all seems so complicated but is actually very simple. If it is not love based, it is fear based and we have the capacity to change the way we think.

Namaste

My life taking care of the oldsters….

92 year old Aunt Frances (lives with 90 year old mother next door) called me a little after 1am yesterday morning, said she was in terrible pain and I needed to come over.  How many times this has happened, I can’t begin to explain..grrrrr.  When I got there, Aunt Frances asked me to feel her hernia, it was very solid…this is a hernia she has had many years; I knew this was not a good sign.  In the middle of a rain storm – can you believe that – I hauled her into the ER where they found her to have an incarcerated hernia which would require emergency surgery to repair.  She was afraid.  Being the God fearing woman she is, I thought it was okay to tell her that she would die without the surgery.  I could see the fear and indecision in her eyes.  I asked her if she was afraid of dying.  She said no but she really liked living.  She said, I’m in God’s hands.  I told her there were really two things that could happen…she would either survive and come back here or go home.  She decided to have the surgery.  They wheeled her in around 6:15a and it was all over at 7:15 and after an hour in recovery, I heard her coming down the hall before I saw her.  She was on demerol, away from my mother for awhile…her life was good.  Surgery went well.

Before you judge me on the rest, either read my previous blogs about my narcissistic mother, or trust me when I tell you she has been very difficult and it took me lots of therapy, medication and the peace of God to not find a way to kill myself when my dad died and left me with her.  My aunt gave up a go-getter life in Des Moines when my mother begged her to get her out of the nursing home and live with her last December.  Aunt Frances wanted to give her Christmas and a month at home to get things in order then mom would go back to the nursing home and she would move back to Des Moines…to her church and her friends…needless to say, she just can’t bring herself to be responsible for moving mom back into the nursing home.  She is a much better person than I am.  My mother fights and competes with her day and night and does not believe for a second that my aunt is living there to take care of her…anyway…I wasn’t going to get in to this garbage.

At 5:30 this morning, mom calls Dana – (the daughter of a good friend of mine who takes care of them 3 x a week) and begged Dana to drive over here and take her to the hospital because she was alone.  Then once there, not to be outdone by Aunt Frances, she had to go to the emergency room because she was having a pain in HER stomach. Ya…she’s constipated.

Meanwhile, because I was at the hospital all night, Jenny went to DM to pick Katy up at the airport.  I tried to sleep on and off today but had insomnia because I could not figure how I was going to get to see Katy..get my mother home from the hospital and “deal” with her etc etc.  I have the two best girls in the world, they took care of it for me..they went to see Aunt Frances – who was totally enjoying the demerol and brought g’ma home – got her situated and made life so much easier for me.  Kate took me aside and said she had thought a lot about it, and I needed to remember that g’ma has an extreme psychiatric disorder and at least she isn’t mean like a lot of other old people…ya…she got that out of her system when I was young.  I have to honestly say that it feels so good to have someone take care of me instead of my history of the other way around.  “He” takes care of me too – but I always feel guilty when he has to deal with her because it just seems above and beyond the call of husbandry.

The big thing I learned about myself today is that I’ve been away from all of mom’s crap for awhile..I just don’t get involved unless there is an emergency..and I’m much better…but whenever I have to deal with her or figure out how to deal with her, I revert back.  Today and tonight I found myself food binging.  I haven’t eaten everything I could get my hands on for a long time – it’s not normal stress – it is mother and aunt Frances stress..so now I know that I have some work to do on the old psych.

If you are still reading this, thanks…today’s novel was for me to get the feelings out so I can deal with them and move on.

:: edit:: Oh great…it’s Friday the 13th