Tripping over the stones

Where I am in my life, tripping over things is okay….the best way I can explain being okay with tripping is it doesn’t hurt as much as falling down or falling over the cliff. I have been on a path of self discovery for many years….mainly because I didn’t like to spend time with myself and my negative thoughts and I knew there was something I didn’t understand about life and living…..I knew that an inner peace was achievable and the journey was not going to be easy. I guess what I didn’t really realize that I would have to take this journey one step at a time rather than trudging up the hill in an hour or a day. It started when I was about 25 and I’m closing in on 62 and every single day I learn a new way of thinking, a new way of being….a new way to live life. It’s like the picture slide projector from the 60s…we would have our pictures developed into little squares with cardboard surround and we would put those in a Kodak projector shining on a white wall or screen and one by one we would view these pictures with a click of a button.

Sometimes a very slow process because if you clicked too fast, the machine would jam. Sometimes we would linger on a certain picture in order to remark about it, reminisce about a memory associated with it or attempt to figure out exactly why we took the picture.

We all start on the road from a different intersection and we meet others at different Crossroads. Sometimes we choose to walk along with them other times we choose to continue alone…..but the bottom line is we must keep moving…up that hill even if we fall down and if we go over the cliff?? Well, it’s a long way back up to where we were but with skinned knees and injured pride, we will know what to watch for as we continue.

Until next time….

I’m not a victim in this kidney cancer scenario.

I believe I am a victim of my own circumstances and my own making…there are perhaps some genetics at play in my life because after all – and I quote my mother, “you come from a long line of big women”.

Oh = holy mother of God…what a great excuse!!!!

Heard it many times…said it many times.  If I had known I was going to get old, I would have taken better care of myself.

In every thing we do, we make choices.  Sometimes we feel we don’t have any choices or we feel that the choices before us are not ideal…but we make choices…if we choose one little Y in the road different, everything else will turn out different.

I had my followup appointment with the urologist on Wednesday.  I cried internal tears of joy when he told me that he got it all within the kidney, the tumor was between 6 and 7 cm in size.  He advised me to followup with the pulmonary specialist ref the noted teeny tiny nodules in my lungs but said he was pretty confident that even if there were something there, it would not be a metastasis of kidney cancer.  I will see him again in 6 months for x rays and blood tests and again in a year for a ct scan…….I’m the luckiest person alive!!!!!

Later that night, I read up on my particular clear cell RRC.  While there are cases of family history and genetics at play in some cases.  I do not fall into this category.

Smoking tobacco is the #1 reason I probably developed kidney cancer…google it if you want the particulars….and if you are a tobacco smoker, for God’s sake STOP.

Obesity is the #2 reason I probably developed kidney cancer.

and on and on.

So…I’m not a victim in this scenario.  I made very bad decisions.  But the early warning siren to clean up my psych and live and eat healthy was received loud and clear.

Until next time….

Sometimes “euphemism” crap just happens

I think one of the things our reliance on the christian religion has done is given us a “reason” for everything…well, it’s God’s will.  In my spiritual journey, I’ve decided that is why some people rely on their religion for day to day disappointments….and I recoil when I hear those words.  I remember the days of thinking…well this happene to teach a lesson.  But when I rationalized this all out, this reminded me of the moronic rantings of the religious right and their sick explanations of God causing disasters in various parts of the world because of the sinners…like gays.  I’m also torn by karma explaining away the good and the bad.  While I really believe we are what we think as well as what we eat, I am still questioning the possibility of the existence of Karma.  I would like to think it is real so I could have it to rely on as an explanation for good and bad happening to people.  But this just does not add up either.

Stuff happens just because it happens.  Yes…we have control over some actions just by the choices we make…that is the one thing that I think everyone can agree on….we have choices and the result of those choices can have far-reaching results and effect…and there doesn’t seem to be an expiration date for our choices…a choice made many years ago..enhanced with another choice, enhanced with another choice….things just happen! 

The one thing that draws mankind all together is our choices.  All of them will have an impact on someone…somewhere down the path of life, someone is going to be impacted by a choice someone else has made!

That’s where I am today…..until next time….