We all have those experiences with another human that have hurt our feelings, made us feel angry, royally pissed off, sad, knocked off center, unappreciated, embarrassed. For some of us, it fed our belief that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough….We attached an emotion to that experience and added dislike, hate, anger, irritation to our list of how we feel about someone….or physical feelings of nausea, headache, stomach pain as a result of the emotional pain we felt.
We start when we are young…I remember being on an elementary school field trip to the Science Center in the 60’s. I was wearing a green and yellow cotton straight dress with a matching belt…a girl in my class told me she didn’t like the color and hated the belt. From that moment on I watched my reflection in the windows we passed and realized in my adolescent mind that she didn’t like the belt because in the window reflection, it made me “look fat”. I took the belt off and after that day refused to wear the dress again. It began a life long habit of body shaming myself and being judgmental of others because I had been emotionally injured in 5th grade.
At this point and age, I realize that I’ve accumulated a lot of emotional garbage and damage and each time I react by saying something hurtful, thinking judgmental thoughts or by being unkind, I’m only really just reliving the experience I had in elementary school when someone didn’t like the belt on my green and yellow dress. I’ve found that these judgmental thoughts, the jealous comments, the unkind words that come out of my mouth are just a result of a story I tell myself about something that happened in my past that I relive again and again….not the actual event but how that event made me feel. I know that by shutting down that non-stop voice narrating my life from behind the scenes, I am a nicer, kinder more loving person.
Its the annual new start night. One of those stark reality moments came for me tonight when I really, seriously realized….I will never go to Time Square on New Years Eve. It was a big deal for me to be able to be in Washington DC for the 4th of July several years ago…sitting near the Lincoln Memorial in my hideous red, white, blue stars and striped button down shirt watching the fireworks over the national mall. I also had on my list perhaps Philadelphia on the 4th of July. But…I always thought the best time ever would be Time Square watching the ball drop! Tonight while watching AC2, I realized it’s not going to happen in this lifetime. Kind of a reality check!
What will happen is lots of life in 2020. Just the way twenty/twenty rolls off the lips fills me with hope and wonder. I won’t make silly resolutions other than I’ll try to spend more time in service to others, I will not focus on the negative but instead I will focus on loving myself and being kind.
Happy and Prosperous 2020, my friends!
Jenny and I were talking about marathon-watching TV shows the other day. TV series that you didn’t watch when they were on their regular run or ones that you just find on Netflix or ? when you just need to sink your teeth into a really good show to escape real life. She made the comment that watching them as a marathon is usually the best way to do it if its a REALLY GOOD SHOW! That happened to me with Parenthood. I didn’t watch the first few seasons but heard everyone talking about it so by about the third season I started the 1st season on Amazon Prime…hour after hour after hour until I got caught up. Then comes the final season…..I was having a hard time dealing with this show being over so I DVR’d it instead of watching it, then hoarded the episodes and watched a couple at a time. That’s the way to really watch a good TV show. Last night, I decided to bite the bullet and finish it. He went to bed at a normal time and I started the finale episode at 3AM this morning. It was an amazing show for me. It always made me feel some emotion and it always made me introspective. I will always feel the Braverman family are old friends that I knew once.
I also had a couple of other moments in the last week – a connection type comment from someone I don’t know very well and a shared post on my Facebook page from a cousin’s son that totally took me by surprise and gave me an umph…I think that most of us need those kind, caring connections occasionally to reinforce that someone else appreciates our value and recognizes that we are who we think we are.
It’s really the little acts of kindness that can make our day!
Until next time…