I’ve felt a bit off center this week…maybe related to but not entirely because of staying home and avoiding COVID and more importantly the talk about COVID. The constant blah blah blah, the anger, the dissension…Facebook, worldwide, family, friends. I just refuse to be paralyzed with fear; yet, I refuse to rip off my clothes and nakedly confront it. I have learned healthy respect over the years and this is the time to show respect…respect of guidelines issued by the medical community just because my ego may want to yell and scream about some perceived rights I might have over the next human….I prefer respect….kindness!
Sadly this is the last picture of the happy family. I took it while on a walk yesterday after I watched the baby dining under the bird feeders.
Jr was missing this morning. We did have more geese fly in raising a ruckus. I assume they will be tenants and not just visiting from a neighboring pond. Im guessing we won’t have anymore babies this season because I think mating season is over. Although you wouldn’t know it by the strutting going on. I felt a loss when we realized Jr wasn’t around.
I found this cluster of iris yesterday by a bridge along the trail.
#gratitude to the person who planted them so neighbors could find them!
The weekend is upon us. At least I think it is, I really would need to confirm with my calendar but let’s just go with it.
My daughter put random pictures on line last weekend of her cousins playing and posing for pictures over the years. Looking at those pictures, I was filled with so many memories. It seems like just yesterday.
In 2013, we had one daughter living in Ohio and one in Missouri. HE had already officially retired and was working part time waiting for me to retire the next year when we found out the Missouri daughter was going to give us a grandchild. We made the decision to leave everything we had ever known and move south . We loaded up 2 dogs and 5 cats and made the official move on the same day I was free of a job I had for 30 years. Where had those 30 years gone? It seems like just yesterday.
The first part of March we really had no idea how our life was going to change. It seems like just yesterday. Life as we had known it…family, trips back to Iowa to see family and friends, planning babysitting activities, going out to eat, shopping and our activities at Unity….they just stopped! It seemed like everything just stopped! I can’t wrap my head around how life has changed for the world…not just my little corner.
We are coping. That means whatever it means for each individual and the circumstances of their lives! I have to remind myself that we are a strong people. Most of us will survive. My prayer is we can show love and kindness to each human we cross paths with while recognizing the gratitude and thankfulness for all of those little acts of kindness. A few years from now we will remember this time as the moment everything changed. It will seem like just yesterday.
We picked up our taxes this morning….the fact that we both had to be there to pick them up irritated me to no end especially since we have nothing else to do. On the way up to this “other town”, I was able to bring forth all of the angst and non angst of my 46 year “filing tax history” and how much better it always was. The one that really stuck in my craw which made me feel the best to bitch about was the fact that in years past, our attorney would do our taxes, file our taxes, mail the paper copies to us and I would send him a check. It really felt so good to be justified in my anger.
We also discussed the fact that a brand new convenience store is going in at an intersection near us. He mentioned how it will be difficult to get in and out of this convenience store because of the amount of traffic on the highway. We did feel a little better when we realized that there was a stop light at one of the egress routes but we have heard people bitching that you have to sit at that light for 10 minutes. Which we haven’t experienced but it sure felt good to feel justified in our beliefs.
Then there’s last year. The Missouri D0T had to close the main highway between us and civilization aka Lee’s Summit for a month so they could dig it up, regrade and resurface. This meant, for me, I had to go one of several different routes to get to those frequent destinations. This month long inconvenience nearly ruined my life.
…and then I realized how low my vibrations were this morning. Living in the past, talking about all of these insignificant events like they were happening now was a symptom of choosing irritation and hatred over calm and gratitude. It was not until I honed in on my thought process and how I was feeling that I realized how long I had just spent feeling angry and feeling like a victim. I will not let this seep into anymore of my day. So…a minute of deep breathing and positive, grateful affirmation.
I woke up around 5 this morning, chatted with a bestie on line, tried to read a book which I’m not finding fascinating but I feel it does enhance my language skills since I’m not talking very much. There are a few big words in it which I hope I would pronounce correctly due to the fact reading written words is much different than wrapping your tongue around them. I knew the book could not satisfy me like a good sunrise on a clear day….and then I thought…I can be at the grocery store when it opens at 7 and avoid all of the angst of people.
It was freeking depressing. There were a few cars in the lot and every person in there other than cashiers were my age and older….and everyone looking like they did exactly what I did. Grabbed clothes hanging on the end of the bed and off to the store. Depressing…because I could feel it and see it in their faces. It was a totally different experience than a trip to the store during the heart of the day or after 5 pm.
There were no smiles, no nodding of the head. They slowed down on approach and actually stopped. I considered turning my cart around and going the other way so they would be more comfortable…but I realized this would not work looking at the big picture.
I tried to avoid everyone the best I could. I kept a smile on my face, love in my eyes and blessed everyone in the confines of my life in that moment. With the frequently blasted death sentence of the corona virus, older folks are genuinely scared and we need to respect that and love them with everything we have.
The reality of our virus consciousness is we can be pissed off, we can believe this should not affect “me”, we can go on trying to live the same life we lived before we heard of Coronavirus, we can rip our insides out being internally hateful and angry, we can refuse to trust the government, we are free to read and believe all of the conspiracy theorists to bolster our negative attitudes, we can weep for lost opportunities, we can be devastated by the loss of loved ones and inconsolable because we can’t send them off into “whatever you believe next is” the way we believe we should. But the bottom line is. It has us. We have very few real choices!
This feels wrong! We aren’t use to discipline, we aren’t use to the loneliness, we aren’t use to having to follow someone else’s rules with our private lives. Here in the US, most of us have the American Dream mentality. If we work hard, we will succeed. We can do anything we put our mind to. But that is being taken away from us….just for a little while….just until we are safe…..safer.
There is no doubt, individually, we are going to come out of this with monumental issues….all of those things that you are worrying about right now…some of them may actually be difficult to deal with.
But will we love more abundantly, Will our time out make us appreciate the little things, Will we hug others with heart bursting love and Will we come together as humans on earth helping each other, freely giving our time, energy and love to one another just because we will see how much it is needed and appreciated and generosity will be stylish?
I am already seeing it out there…”out there” outside of where I shelter. The neighbors are checking on each other, able neighbors are offering resources, time and energy to help each other. In between the angst on social media, there is love. We are starting to step up for each other…it’s actually kind of beautiful!
We all have those experiences with another human that have hurt our feelings, made us feel angry, royally pissed off, sad, knocked off center, unappreciated, embarrassed. For some of us, it fed our belief that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough….We attached an emotion to that experience and added dislike, hate, anger, irritation to our list of how we feel about someone….or physical feelings of nausea, headache, stomach pain as a result of the emotional pain we felt.
We start when we are young…I remember being on an elementary school field trip to the Science Center in the 60’s. I was wearing a green and yellow cotton straight dress with a matching belt…a girl in my class told me she didn’t like the color and hated the belt. From that moment on I watched my reflection in the windows we passed and realized in my adolescent mind that she didn’t like the belt because in the window reflection, it made me “look fat”. I took the belt off and after that day refused to wear the dress again. It began a life long habit of body shaming myself and being judgmental of others because I had been emotionally injured in 5th grade.
At this point and age, I realize that I’ve accumulated a lot of emotional garbage and damage and each time I react by saying something hurtful, thinking judgmental thoughts or by being unkind, I’m only really just reliving the experience I had in elementary school when someone didn’t like the belt on my green and yellow dress. I’ve found that these judgmental thoughts, the jealous comments, the unkind words that come out of my mouth are just a result of a story I tell myself about something that happened in my past that I relive again and again….not the actual event but how that event made me feel. I know that by shutting down that non-stop voice narrating my life from behind the scenes, I am a nicer, kinder more loving person.
Its the annual new start night. One of those stark reality moments came for me tonight when I really, seriously realized….I will never go to Time Square on New Years Eve. It was a big deal for me to be able to be in Washington DC for the 4th of July several years ago…sitting near the Lincoln Memorial in my hideous red, white, blue stars and striped button down shirt watching the fireworks over the national mall. I also had on my list perhaps Philadelphia on the 4th of July. But…I always thought the best time ever would be Time Square watching the ball drop! Tonight while watching AC2, I realized it’s not going to happen in this lifetime. Kind of a reality check!
What will happen is lots of life in 2020. Just the way twenty/twenty rolls off the lips fills me with hope and wonder. I won’t make silly resolutions other than I’ll try to spend more time in service to others, I will not focus on the negative but instead I will focus on loving myself and being kind.
Jenny and I were talking about marathon-watching TV shows the other day. TV series that you didn’t watch when they were on their regular run or ones that you just find on Netflix or ? when you just need to sink your teeth into a really good show to escape real life. She made the comment that watching them as a marathon is usually the best way to do it if its a REALLY GOOD SHOW! That happened to me with Parenthood. I didn’t watch the first few seasons but heard everyone talking about it so by about the third season I started the 1st season on Amazon Prime…hour after hour after hour until I got caught up. Then comes the final season…..I was having a hard time dealing with this show being over so I DVR’d it instead of watching it, then hoarded the episodes and watched a couple at a time. That’s the way to really watch a good TV show. Last night, I decided to bite the bullet and finish it. He went to bed at a normal time and I started the finale episode at 3AM this morning. It was an amazing show for me. It always made me feel some emotion and it always made me introspective. I will always feel the Braverman family are old friends that I knew once.
I also had a couple of other moments in the last week – a connection type comment from someone I don’t know very well and a shared post on my Facebook page from a cousin’s son that totally took me by surprise and gave me an umph…I think that most of us need those kind, caring connections occasionally to reinforce that someone else appreciates our value and recognizes that we are who we think we are.
It’s really the little acts of kindness that can make our day!