These Dreams

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life

First two lines of the chorus of These Dreams sung by Heart (just in case you aren’t familiar). I felt aggressive, angry and hateful when I woke this morning and it didn’t take me long to realize who the characters were in my dreams and what rolls they were playing. I realized I was continuing the fear based thinking as I took my first sips of coffee. As is usually the case in writing my feelings out and replacing those fear based thoughts with love and gratitude, it all starts to make sense and disappear.. or heal?? Each time I work through monkey brain thinking, I realize the mental flapping quiets!

The last two mornings, I have decided to take advantage of the solitude and sit by the pond on the walking trail. The sun on my back, shifting the rocks under my sit-down for comfort, the variety of bird songs all around me, the occasional plop of a fish, and the ever smooth glide of a goose through the water leaving a silent wake on the still, pond of glass. These are the moments when a peaceful meditation just happens as you just slide your eyelids closed.

The perfume from the blooming honeysuckle eventually gets me on my feet following the scent…..one of those ingredients of spring I savor!

Until next time…

Some may already think I’m crazy…

I knew when I woke up this morning that I needed to put these thoughts out there.  I know there are a lot of people…my age….younger….older….just trying to find themselves and the all encompassing “meaning of life”.  Many are led by a belief in God (or whatever their religion calls its higher power).  I’ve been there heart and soul.  Living each day, not for the day, but as a stepping stone to what they covet most …. A peaceful, joyful eternity in heaven.

For the last few years, I’ve been seeking the answers to my own anxiety, anger and discontent.  I finally gave myself permission to ask the question, “am I always going to feel this way or can I make changes in the way I view things so that I can enjoy moments for what they are”?  I assumed in The beginning that I would be able to heal my mind one day and be different the next.  That was an unreasonable and, quite frankly, ignorant goal.

If you read yesterday’s blog, I mentioned I was able to enter a meditative state unlike anything I’ve ever reached before during craniosacral therapy.  This meditative state allowed me to find myself as a child in my home of 12 childhood years.  I started with the same scenario I always use to relax myself…in the backyard, laying my sheet on the ground on top of the grass, laying down and letting the sun beat on my young skin.  I have been able to see the brick trash incinerator my dad built, the oak tree in the far corner and felt like I was actually able to turn my head and see the back of our house.  Yesterday, I went further….I saw more….I felt more….I went into the house and lived it, especially the kitchen.  I felt Lennnie Rae and I walking up Timber Lane to the school bus stop….and so many other vivid memories…this incredible power of the mind through total relaxation and meditation.  It makes me emotional…the only other time I have been able to do this was in the 70s when I smoked pot.  That was one of the best parts for me being high.  The surreal memories….. and showers, of course.  Meditation is something I’m going to continue working on.  I know there are things in my mind that I need to deal with to continue my journey in finding myself…there may be some ugliness in there, but I need to find it, deal with it and move on.

Until next time….