I started off my Morning Pages arguing the woulda, shoulda, coulda theory of my life. I think I’m still following “someone” else’s rules…rules that have a home in my ego….rules that I haven’t seen to fit to challenge with the board of directors in my brain!
Today is not the first day I’ve argued that I am very content sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee, plotting death to the cicadas having the intention that I will do nothing today other than read and make notes (bulletpoint notes) about How do I go about killing cicadas).
OMG someday I will be 80 (insert number) and I won’t be able to get around as well and I will regret the decision I made on August 9 2019 at 0900 to just do nothing…what is wrong with me that I don’t want to do anything…everyone else is out there living productive lives and here I sit on my deck doing nothing!
There is a heepa lotta attachment here to shoulda! Then…I thought….I read a lot of books and attend classes each week on changing my thinking….quieting ego thinking and making decisions through the divine spirit in me….keeping my vibrations high, the value of meditating….and I can’t make peace with myself to be content right now…just being in the moment? Right here….right now!
I may just be overthinking…spending too much time outside my head and letting my ego cause me to be off center and causing the energy I’m using on something that doesn’t even deserve a conversation blind me by the steam this useless activity is creating.
Until next time….
Because of my upbringing which I can sum up as do what you are told, no need to have a mind of your own because this is what you believe and this is what you will do, it took me a long time to realize that I was going to begin stepping out in my own direction. I still followed rules and, for the most part, laws, but I learned through experience that if you continue doing what you’ve always done and think with the same mind you used before, then you will have the exact same outcome. BUT…if you pay attention to nuances (which I now call intuition), speak with respect, do your homework and intelligently defend your case, then sometimes rules will be changed. I also learned that if the rules don’t change, you can either suck it up and follow the rules which MAY be the appropriate behavior or more likely for me, I would get mad…scream and holler in my head …. then organize like- minded individuals and go at it again…. being sure to attach some negative emotion to it so that in 20 or more years later, similar emotions about similar situations can rise up and before you know it you are overwhelmed in anger and hatred and vengeance which will probably be overblown for the situation…ie:road rage. There are many years and many experiences that have occurred before which exploded this workable problem into a full blown battle in your head. When they rise up, you will be reacting and responding the way you did 20 or more years ago to a completely different situation….the cycle just continues throughout life.
What did I just read or hear the other day..something to the effect….you can’t fix a problem with the same mind that created it.
My opinion as to the answer is not going to come from me in a 3 paragraph blog, or quite frankly, from me at all…I’m learning and all I can really share is what got me from there to where I am now sharing my thoughts on my blog, but I will credit the PRACTICE of meditation, the book Mastery of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr…his daddy wrote the Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.
Until next time…
A couple weeks ago, he and I watched a Public Television presentation on Mindfulness. I felt for a guy named Dan Harris who was one of those unfortunate news “talking heads” who lost his….we’ll call it train of thought….during a panic attack while filling in on Good Morning America. I was introduced to the name, Dan Harris, now of ABC Nightline fame, but his story did not make or break the intent of the topic for me.
A couple days later, I went to my library website in order to find an audio book to fill my thoughts while making a solo 3 hour drive to Des Moines for a doctor appointment. I selected audio books and in the first of 14 pages of “available” audio books to rent was
I inferred meaning in the find under the label of synchronicity.
It is an excellent book…with humor, honesty and a lot of searching and/or research, Dan Harris puts it all out there as he “embarks on an unexpected, hilarious, and deeply skeptical odyssey through the strange world of spirituality and self-help….”. He met, interviewed and studied with some of the biggies in New Thought teachings….ie Eckhart Tolle.
His experiences spoke to me throughout the book but by far it is just a good, humorous read about life and walking and chewing gum….and meditation!
Until next time….
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
First two lines of the chorus of These Dreams sung by Heart (just in case you aren’t familiar). I felt aggressive, angry and hateful when I woke this morning and it didn’t take me long to realize who the characters were in my dreams and what rolls they were playing. I realized I was continuing the fear based thinking as I took my first sips of coffee. As is usually the case in writing my feelings out and replacing those fear based thoughts with love and gratitude, it all starts to make sense and disappear.. or heal?? Each time I work through monkey brain thinking, I realize the mental flapping quiets!
The last two mornings, I have decided to take advantage of the solitude and sit by the pond on the walking trail. The sun on my back, shifting the rocks under my sit-down for comfort, the variety of bird songs all around me, the occasional plop of a fish, and the ever smooth glide of a goose through the water leaving a silent wake on the still, pond of glass. These are the moments when a peaceful meditation just happens as you just slide your eyelids closed.
The perfume from the blooming honeysuckle eventually gets me on my feet following the scent…..one of those ingredients of spring I savor!
Until next time…
I knew when I woke up this morning that I needed to put these thoughts out there. I know there are a lot of people…my age….younger….older….just trying to find themselves and the all encompassing “meaning of life”. Many are led by a belief in God (or whatever their religion calls its higher power). I’ve been there heart and soul. Living each day, not for the day, but as a stepping stone to what they covet most …. A peaceful, joyful eternity in heaven.
For the last few years, I’ve been seeking the answers to my own anxiety, anger and discontent. I finally gave myself permission to ask the question, “am I always going to feel this way or can I make changes in the way I view things so that I can enjoy moments for what they are”? I assumed in The beginning that I would be able to heal my mind one day and be different the next. That was an unreasonable and, quite frankly, ignorant goal.
If you read yesterday’s blog, I mentioned I was able to enter a meditative state unlike anything I’ve ever reached before during craniosacral therapy. This meditative state allowed me to find myself as a child in my home of 12 childhood years. I started with the same scenario I always use to relax myself…in the backyard, laying my sheet on the ground on top of the grass, laying down and letting the sun beat on my young skin. I have been able to see the brick trash incinerator my dad built, the oak tree in the far corner and felt like I was actually able to turn my head and see the back of our house. Yesterday, I went further….I saw more….I felt more….I went into the house and lived it, especially the kitchen. I felt Lennnie Rae and I walking up Timber Lane to the school bus stop….and so many other vivid memories…this incredible power of the mind through total relaxation and meditation. It makes me emotional…the only other time I have been able to do this was in the 70s when I smoked pot. That was one of the best parts for me being high. The surreal memories….. and showers, of course. Meditation is something I’m going to continue working on. I know there are things in my mind that I need to deal with to continue my journey in finding myself…there may be some ugliness in there, but I need to find it, deal with it and move on.
Until next time….