We…He and I….have been making our way through the Paul Selig series of books for a couple of years by taking advantage of book studies (Spirit Groups) on Thursday nights. In that group we have advanced to the Book of Mastery which is kicking my butt. He and I have also started the series over and are reading it together at 10 each morning. Some mornings we don’t get a lot read because we end up in conversation. It probably doesn’t need to be stated that either/or is ok. We are learning a lot from each other and about each other.
Last week I highlighted these paragraphs in the second book of the series, Love and Creation.
Now this has to do with constructs and self-identification, and this is important to understand. You have been told who you were ever since you were born. And you have been told what you looked like compared to other people, how you ranked on a scale of success or worth through external things; you have chosen to abide by these things as if they were real because you have moved into accordance with them, indoctrinated into them, and gone into agreement with them.
“Of course I am this, I am told I am this.” Well listen, everybody, you’ve been listening to who you were as described by others since you were old enough to comprehend the idea that you were this thing that you were told. So why not rally around this?
Because I’ve already read the Love and Creation Book and the succeeding book, Knowing and Worth, I’m learning how to work through these life domestications. It’s listening to my inner self, learning and accepting what I’m hearing and then making choices every day to heal myself! Sometimes it’s hard not to revisit when the monkey mind takes over..but I’m finding that having a “personal method” of quieting the monkeys helps me to remain in my knowing of myself.
Last year when I had foot surgery, I remember laying in bed with my foot propped. Often out of my ever loving mind thanks to pharmaceuticals. Attempting to have some understanding of the book I had been wanting to read. Watching the same episode of a recorded show several times because I could NOT keep my eyes open or my brain awake in order to have any type of comprehension! “What did he say?”
Soon I was up clomping about with my big black boot….and soon I was wanting to sit around and read and watch movies and I thought …wow I wish I could go back to bed and veg without guilt….of course I didn’t…I planned for the next day, the next week, the next meeting, thinking about the forecast for tomorrow, griping about future events…thinking and worrying about everything I had to do….so much thinking….
Fast forward a year. Here I am in my theoretical bed again. This time there is no planning into the future because I have no idea when the future will begin. I have very few choices. Decision revolve around my eating schedule and remembering if I brushed my teeth?!?!
I am living in a place of acceptance because my only real choice is what I’m doing right now. As uncertainty and unsettled feelings present themselves, I know I need to let them wash over me and then watch them recede. The waves will continue to come, sometimes noisily crashing. But what I have right now is the solitude, the silence and the gift of this moment to learn a new way of living my life.
It feels so weird to not need to check my phone calendar to see what time I should set an alarm for the next morning…. To not have anything on my calendar in general. Our Monday evening book club met on line last night and we began as we always do with a check in. So far everyone seems to be finding their water line…floating in the nothingness and seeking a new normal. I felt so much comfort realizing that everyone was feeling the screeching halt from a lifetime of getting ‘Er done. I FELT our friend, Carol’s, rapid acceptance…they are bringing wood in for a fire, she is doing her spiritual work and she finally has the time to read the books that have been stacking up.
I am actually feeling some comfort today. There’s nothing I have to do…there is only what I want to do…that thought is so foreign in my mind. I committed this morning to use the skills I’ve been practicing to think about life differently. Each moment is a gift that we live in that moment. We have no control…or our normal perceived control over anything. All I have to do is Be. Be in this moment with a gratitude in my heart.
The reality of our virus consciousness is we can be pissed off, we can believe this should not affect “me”, we can go on trying to live the same life we lived before we heard of Coronavirus, we can rip our insides out being internally hateful and angry, we can refuse to trust the government, we are free to read and believe all of the conspiracy theorists to bolster our negative attitudes, we can weep for lost opportunities, we can be devastated by the loss of loved ones and inconsolable because we can’t send them off into “whatever you believe next is” the way we believe we should. But the bottom line is. It has us. We have very few real choices!
This feels wrong! We aren’t use to discipline, we aren’t use to the loneliness, we aren’t use to having to follow someone else’s rules with our private lives. Here in the US, most of us have the American Dream mentality. If we work hard, we will succeed. We can do anything we put our mind to. But that is being taken away from us….just for a little while….just until we are safe…..safer.
There is no doubt, individually, we are going to come out of this with monumental issues….all of those things that you are worrying about right now…some of them may actually be difficult to deal with.
But will we love more abundantly, Will our time out make us appreciate the little things, Will we hug others with heart bursting love and Will we come together as humans on earth helping each other, freely giving our time, energy and love to one another just because we will see how much it is needed and appreciated and generosity will be stylish?
I am already seeing it out there…”out there” outside of where I shelter. The neighbors are checking on each other, able neighbors are offering resources, time and energy to help each other. In between the angst on social media, there is love. We are starting to step up for each other…it’s actually kind of beautiful!
This is our lesson.
Back when I was all up into organized religion, I was ever reminded that whenever doubt crept in about what I was suppose to believe, that meant I didn’t believe enough. I totally bought it. I bought it because I already had a perfect score in domestication. My parents probably did the best they could bringing up little Nina by passing their own rigid rules and “because I said so” “never cross the line”. AND if you do cross the line or if you don’t live up to expectations then you are not a good girl. What is wrong with you.
So, of course, I internalized how bad I was, how different I was because I didn’t get it…didn’t believe at face value what everyone expected me to believe. I just didn’t have the faith that everyone else had, something was off with me, WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
As I entered my middle age years, I stepped out…I quietly rebelled. I followed rules even when they made no sense. But, I Started gently balking the system. In my head I fought like a ninja to change the rules. For the most part I was polite and strategic and realized in my work and in my family and among friends that if I could put enough evidence out there that change was actually their idea, I succeeded. That’s when I realized I was manipulative. I had learned the art of manipulation.
It all came together for me when I put two and two together and figured out organized “religion”. That’s when I started seeing the flashing lights over the pulpit spelled out — Do as I Say, Not what I Do. That’s when I figured out that the rules and laws and the “interpretation” of the holy book was the way organized religion supervised the running of private lives. That’s when, ding ding, I realized that just because someone says it, just because someone else believes it, just because it’s someone else’s rule does not mean I have to believe it. And the BEST PART ….. I don’t continue day to day with the voices of doubt, the feelings of not being good enough. There is nothing wrong with me. I have choices. I am able to live by intuition. I am able recognize when something feels right and something feels wrong. I am learning to love everyone. I recognize that we are all the same but we haven’t all taken the same road to discovery.
Ding, ding. It’s really all okay until we think it is not ok.
I went to visit a girlfriend and her husband last night. They lived on a Canal with lots of activity and the husband teared up because he didn’t have a boat for the canal and his wife was upset because she couldn’t visit her brother and sister. I took the wife with me and as we walked through an outdoor area in another country, we met up with a bestie from high school who was there with her family? Entourage? She took us back to her home on a canal. Beautiful place with all of the accoutrements of wealthy living. At first I was overwhelmed and envious but as I spent time at the mansion on the canal, I realized I wouldn’t be able to stand the noise and activity and wanted to move on.
But I needed to make contact with my dad (deceased for 19 years). I had dyed my hair dark…he didn’t seem happy to see me…he was verbally short and very distant with me and I decided he was just depressed..it wasn’t because of me.
I woke up.
Are we untethered when we sleep. Do we actually go places in our dreams…there is no time elements in our dreams. Are life concerns brought to us as we dream in order to work out fears or difficulties we live in our wake states. Should we interpret dreams by the emotions they bring out in us. I say YES to all of them! I don’t believe we can go to a book that gives us a word or event that will interpret the dream for everyone in every situation. But, I strongly believe we would be remiss if we believed that dreams are just an insignificant download of insanity when we sleep.
And what do you think?
For nearly two years, I (and now He and I) have been reading and discussing in a group setting the Paul Selig series of channeled books. I was new to the New Thought movement and new to the spiritual aspect of my life after many decades of trying to believe all of the religious dogma and rules I found in the Christian churches of my past. The more I was told how to live and what to think by other humans, I realized they were human and didn’t espouse the rules and judgements they were representing. It’s been a very long journey. That being said…..
I chose to join a Paul Selig study group. The choice stepping into the unknown using only my intuition. I was searching for a book group and had no idea where this author, Paul Selig, would take me. I have found the experience with the books and discussions in group have changed my life. He also joined the group a few months after I did…we did some catch up reading at home together to get him up to speed with the first, foundational book, “I am Word”. The group is now in the 4th book of the series. Beginning the first of the year, He and I decided to start the series again. We are reading aloud and discussing the books every morning. There are so many spiritual life lessons to reap from every chapter.
This morning we read this:
“We want you to imagine for a moment that your life, as you choose it, pictures outwardly all of those things you say you want. “I am feeling good about myself.” “My body is healthy.” “I am with the partner I desire.” “I am in the work I love” or “I am no longer working because I no longer need to support myself that way.” Create in your mind the image that you say you want from this level of consciousness that you are today. We want you to do this now. Imagine your perfect life and take a moment and decide that this is now available to you.”
The next paragraph explains that all of those things you in envision for yourself for the future…all of those things that came up when you imagined your perfect life…are the things that are not in your life right now. Those are the things that deserve our focus. Those are the desires we need to shoot for. Dumping all of the shoulds of our life. Stop doing what we have always done, following someone else’s rules perhaps the way we were taught, making decisions because other choices …. like living a bold life….cause fear…fear of the unknown?
I blog about this today because blogging helps cement the thoughts in my own mind especially when they ring my bell and become a huge wake up call for me. When I did the exercise and thought about the things I dream of doing or believe someday I will do……the things I’m not doing now. The main reason I’m not doing them now is the suggestion or the blueprint will require me to expand out of my comfort zone….it just seems ridiculous that I am holding myself back from being who I know I want to be because I’m afraid to take that baby step ahead.
When I initially started Sharing my irritations, hates, repressed anger, loves and thankfulness on this ninasusan.com blog in 2007, it’s purpose was to make connections with other people. It quickly morphed into a safe place to use as my own personal therapy session. I shared my very painful beliefs and words on a public blogging site because I found that I was receiving feedback from perfect strangers who also found themselves in their own personal hell and we related! I also connected with 6 or 7 perfect humans who now ride in the backseat of my car daily…we share, we commiserate, we love and we hold each other up. I have met face to face with a couple of them….the rest of us feel like we’ve also met in person because we just KNOW each other with our souls!
I remember when I started out, I received some flash back from remain nameless because they couldn’t figure out why I didn’t keep my personal business….personal… I heard them…I understood the question…but, quite unlike my usual MO, I continued writing and sharing because I felt I had to get my hate and disconnect from familial mental abuse out or it would kill me. I needed to have a way to communicate everything I was holding inside and I was too afraid to clip the wires on my jaw and actually say out loud what I thought, what I meant…I did not have the guts to back off from those people who had grown accustomed to my people pleasing.
Someone mentioned to me the other day how much they appreciated how authentic my blogs are. The words from her blessed my heart. We all suffer, we all experience mental or physical ailments, we all have grief, we all have irritations and hateful moments. But we all just want to be heard and we all want to be loved. We are what we think. We are the unkind thoughts we think about others. Just Be Kind! Pass it on. Pay it forward!
We all have those experiences with another human that have hurt our feelings, made us feel angry, royally pissed off, sad, knocked off center, unappreciated, embarrassed. For some of us, it fed our belief that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough….We attached an emotion to that experience and added dislike, hate, anger, irritation to our list of how we feel about someone….or physical feelings of nausea, headache, stomach pain as a result of the emotional pain we felt.
We start when we are young…I remember being on an elementary school field trip to the Science Center in the 60’s. I was wearing a green and yellow cotton straight dress with a matching belt…a girl in my class told me she didn’t like the color and hated the belt. From that moment on I watched my reflection in the windows we passed and realized in my adolescent mind that she didn’t like the belt because in the window reflection, it made me “look fat”. I took the belt off and after that day refused to wear the dress again. It began a life long habit of body shaming myself and being judgmental of others because I had been emotionally injured in 5th grade.
At this point and age, I realize that I’ve accumulated a lot of emotional garbage and damage and each time I react by saying something hurtful, thinking judgmental thoughts or by being unkind, I’m only really just reliving the experience I had in elementary school when someone didn’t like the belt on my green and yellow dress. I’ve found that these judgmental thoughts, the jealous comments, the unkind words that come out of my mouth are just a result of a story I tell myself about something that happened in my past that I relive again and again….not the actual event but how that event made me feel. I know that by shutting down that non-stop voice narrating my life from behind the scenes, I am a nicer, kinder more loving person.
Hanging at eye level out my kitchen window is this shriveled leaf still attached to its branch. It has survived several windy autumn days, thunderstorms, gentle rain, sleet and a significant snow storm and still remains today while, again, snow flakes fall all around.
Occasionally it will flutter with a breeze but continues to hang secure to its branch refusing to give up…its not time for it to release and softly drift to the ground to join the other leaves. It is a quiet reminder for me about the simplicity of life in nature…