I’m having “not living in the moment” episodes

Why do I think everyone else’s life is better than my own?

I know that these thoughts usually only settle in when I am feeling irritable without a cause or irritable with a cause. So…irritable.

Or when I’m feeling sorry for myself…without a cause or with a cause.

Or when I have committed or not committed to do something in the future that I am often unable to follow through when the moment is now. Actually this particular situation has taken care of itself, for the most part, because I am learning the lesson of NO.. just say NO because it is not something I want to do at this time. Often after I have said NO….I feel very empowered. Standing up for myself…even if I can’t respond immediately because in the moment I don’t know if it’s a yes or no, I do understand that in the next second I may have an answer. I’ve accepted that I have quite a vocabulary and a mouth and I know how to use them.

Often when I’m driving in a new neighborhood, city, state, country – especially on a vacation – I think..ya..I like this area, I could live here or No…I don’t even want to eat ice cream here. Those memories seem to live in my consciousness so I can pull them out when I’m feeling irritable, sorry for myself, put upon, not appreciated. I USE THEM to compare my present moment with the illusion of the moment in my memory. It’s hard to remember the difference between fantasy and what I’m experiencing in the present.

But then…I can find myself when I’m sitting in solitary on the deck watching the water ripple on the pond, see the gentleness of the geese skimming across the water, an occasional ruffled feather, hear the birds tweeting in the wren house above my head, feeling the sun on my skin…reality sinks in and I know that I wouldn’t trade THIS or my life for anything. Which has me questioning sentence number 1 above:

Why do I think everyone else’s life is better than my own.


Attachment string cutting….

What would I be doing with my life had we not moved away from everything we knew…”everything” referring to familiarity and perceived comfort. I know that I am a lot more comfortable in my skin now. This could be geographical location and opportunities or job burnout and dysfunctional thinking which “caused” depression and anxiety after 30 years of liking AND despising my 911 career choice. The story I told myself was that “good” people die and “bad” people circle the drain continuously. I know for a fact that any change in the story of my life would mean that I wouldn’t be me

I wonder how different my life would be today if I had been lucky enough to have more than one living grandparent while I was growing up or if my parents had been younger models and if I had shared early life with at least one sibling. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be me!

I wonder how different my life would be if the friends I invited to have a seat in my life had not died or geographically or emotionally moved away…I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be me.

I’m learning from Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr in Mastery of Self…”An attachment is the action of taking something that is not part of you and making it a part through an emotional or energetic investment”. “Most people not only attach to their wants and desires as they relate to material things, but also to their beliefs and ideas. Although an attachment is something that can occur naturally in the moment, it becomes unhealthy when you lose the ability to detach from it when the moment ends or when the belief no longer reflects the truth. In many ways, attachment to beliefs are far more destructive than attachments to external items, because beliefs and ideas are much harder to spot and let go of.”

Until next time….