The beauty, release and growth in ah-ha moments is breathtaking! It was a Monday night in June after a particularly difficult (for me) spirit group discussion, a nights sleep that I don’t recall dreaming, and morning pages with my green gel ink pen that the honest truth came vomiting out!
The actual details are unimportant to anyone else, the information to be shared is my unwavering belief that i have been living in fear, uncertainty about my future, and a level of angst about my past. The illusion that i am controlling my life is just an illusion and what I am really saying is I’m afraid of the unknown. So many scary and sad things have happened to me in the past that I must control my future in order to be happy and protect myself. All illusion.
One tool to use to aid in figuring this stuff out is morning pages. Committing to writing in long hand…not on the computer…3 pages every morning. These should be written in a binder or in a notebook that only you will see. My intention is to burn my current journal because there are things I’ve written that I NO WAY want anyone else to read. This should not be in dear diary form although there are no wrongs for what works for you to get the juices flowing. The is not a recollection of yesterday’s adventures, what you did or what you ate…although what ate you might be more significant. The only rule is you write down what is in your mind at the moment and then build on it because that is how the thoughts work in our head. 3 pages….every morning. If this process intrigues you, check out Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way”.
Until next time….
It hasn’t been that long ago that I “mentally” attacked the woman who held up the line in the checkout at the grocery store counting her pennies, checking every grocery sack before she put it in the cart and then left her shopping cart sitting in the middle of the parking lot rather than walking two cars down and putting it in the corral. I mentally insulted her with my thoughts about her buying a case of diet Dr Pepper and the fact that her shirt wasn’t long enough in the back to cover her caboose.
This event has played several times in my head since it happened because I knew I needed to think through my reaction realizing that my irritation level and my anger at this woman was blown out of proportion relative to the experience. I, now, have a pretty good idea why this triggered me …. it would have to do with my embarrassment and irritation watching my mother behave in a similar way as this woman. I loathed the way my mother treated other people with smugness and disrespect depending on how she perceived their station in life.
I have found that the first step is recognition realizing what triggers me from my past. At this point, I really believe that when we behave badly or disrespectful whether it be in our thought process or actually follow through with hurtful, angry or self absorbed verbal comments, we are really reacting to our own insecurities which triggers behavior, perhaps, learned in our upbringing.
Working through this scenario in my head is part of my continuing process of becoming more loving, kinder and more mentally positive in my everyday life. And these little blips of our humanity are just that….little insignificant blips.
Until next time…
I am pretty confident that there is something in my subconscious I’m supposed to be grasping this week. During my morning silence sitting at the kitchen table with my IPad, my phone, my coffee cup and my cat I glance out the door when I see movement, i realize that basically I SEE the same picture each time but my unfocused thoughts seem to be thrown into a box…..like Jameson’s toy box.
I notice the older couple with their white poodle every morning walking by on the walking trail and wonder if I would recognize if they stopped walking by. I think it would be more like…hmmmm…haven’t seen them walk by for awhile….wonder if they are okay…when was the last time I saw them…..
Before retirement, I was busy all of the time. I realize now that I was living life on the surface and did not spend any amount of time listening to myself….going inside in peace and quiet to figure out what I REALLY thought about things. I probably let my intuition guide me but I wasn’t aware that it was my intuition….I just thought I had a rapid fire brain that would guide my thoughts while on the fly.
It seems that now I’m listening to myself, I think things through, I seldom make decisions impulsively and I live a reasonably peaceful life until someone else stirs the air around me. That’s where this nagging subconscious air is stirring. What am I supposed to be hearing….I am unsettled….I’m doing and I’ve done a lot of personal searching to find this contentment but I feel I’m starting to realize I need to be doing something for humanity. I guess I will have to keep listening….it will float it and nudge me when it lands on my shoulder.
Until next time…..
When I was a child, our family.. dad, mom and Nina Sue would visit Grandma in tiny town, Nichols, Iowa a few times a year. These were special times for me because it was my dad’s hometown and he would always take me with him to socialize with old friends at Chown’s Appliance, the DX Station and Rice’s Cafe. We always stopped in The Cafe to get me a fountain drink and talk to Neva Rice and the woman he called Grandma Rice. Just thinking about Rice’s Cafe, I can still see the ceiling fans and hear the wooden screen door slam shut every time someone came in or out.
A couple years ago I connected with an old classmate of mine. We went through school together and we had all of the same teachers and home rooms except for kindergarten…and….I would not define us really as friends in school…more childhood acquainted. After awhile, I also connected with his wife on FB….mainly reference some comments we shared on FB about some health issues Chuck was enduring. Over the last couple of years, we developed our own friendship and a mutual bond developed. Sue and I finally met in person tonight in a hospital room in Duluth,MN. He and I planned a mini vacation to visit his brother in New Ulm, revisit the North Shore and stop in and see Sue and Chuck who live north of Duluth. As timing would have it, we had to visit them in a hospital room as he had not been released after a recent surgery.
And now the connection! I asked Chuck if he had any relatives in small town, Nichols, Iowa. I’d always been curious because of his last name…he said no…but Sue piped up and said she did. She had relatives…two women…a mother and daughter….Neva Rice and her mother owned a cafe in Nichols when she was young…..Rice’s Cafe.
Things like this cannot be coincidences. This was synchronicity at its best. I am blessed!
Until next time….
Where I am in my life, tripping over things is okay….the best way I can explain being okay with tripping is it doesn’t hurt as much as falling down or falling over the cliff. I have been on a path of self discovery for many years….mainly because I didn’t like to spend time with myself and my negative thoughts and I knew there was something I didn’t understand about life and living…..I knew that an inner peace was achievable and the journey was not going to be easy. I guess what I didn’t really realize that I would have to take this journey one step at a time rather than trudging up the hill in an hour or a day. It started when I was about 25 and I’m closing in on 62 and every single day I learn a new way of thinking, a new way of being….a new way to live life. It’s like the picture slide projector from the 60s…we would have our pictures developed into little squares with cardboard surround and we would put those in a Kodak projector shining on a white wall or screen and one by one we would view these pictures with a click of a button.
Sometimes a very slow process because if you clicked too fast, the machine would jam. Sometimes we would linger on a certain picture in order to remark about it, reminisce about a memory associated with it or attempt to figure out exactly why we took the picture.
We all start on the road from a different intersection and we meet others at different Crossroads. Sometimes we choose to walk along with them other times we choose to continue alone…..but the bottom line is we must keep moving…up that hill even if we fall down and if we go over the cliff?? Well, it’s a long way back up to where we were but with skinned knees and injured pride, we will know what to watch for as we continue.
Until next time….
Back in the 60’s my mother was a legal secretary for a law firm in Des Moines. I was probably about 8 or 9 when Linda came into our lives as a high school girl hired to work part time in this law firm basically under the tutelage of my mother. Linda had a strong connection with my mother and visa versa. Linda came to our home – mom taught Linda how to make peanut brittle – Linda was part of the conversations I heard at home. My mother and I went to Linda’s parent’s home…lots of vague memories stored in my memory vault. Linda got married and left the law firm and my mother, for the most part, lost contact with Linda.
Those of you who know me or have read my blogs know that I had a very difficult childhood and adult relationship with my mother. Recently I started feeling strong and curious enough to start going through totes of papers, pictures, genealogy research that belonged to her. Today amongst a lot of very old family letters and pictures, I opened an envelope with pictures and a letter written by Linda to my mother in 1990. It was a catch up letter. I was immediately compelled to google her to see whatever happened to her….she is on FB and for some reason, I didn’t stop there, I friended her on FB and sent her a message on FB messenger introducing myself … which she answered immediately. She sent me her phone number and another higher power connection was made. This was a phone call of tears, laughter and incredible healing as I found her soul open, understanding and loving. My connection with her was immediate!
….and then here is the irony. When Linda found out where I lived, she mentioned that she was supposed to come to the Kansas City area last week to pick up a shih tzu dog from a breeder as Linda fosters, trains and places dogs with forever homes. But last week, the weather was cold and rainy and fortunately Linda came down with a bad head cold so she had to postpone the trip. Perhaps the story should read that because our energy had yet to connect, Linda had to postpone the trip until sometime later this month…and the absolute shocking detail is that the breeder lives 7 minutes from me in this town of 8,000 people. Now what do you make of that?
Linda and I will meet, I will give her a big hug and I will continue to tear up and feel the love and energy from this totally unexpected, unexplainable connection from our past.
Until next time….
I made a Facebook connection awhile back with a classmate of mine…if memory serves, we actually were classmates from kindergarten through graduation. I call him a classmate because we weren’t really friends….we knew each other and existed in the same world. We didn’t socialize or even, for the most part, share friends. So…I’m not really sure how we connected on Facebook…and the true bonus here is I also connected with his wife…a Facebook friendship I cherish but don’t understand.
The middle paragraph and middle part of this story is really a question: is there really some universe thing that connects peoples souls? some intuitive connection that brings together virtual strangers? The feeling that you have really known them all of your life….well, with Chuck, I guess I have known him for 56 years. This little mystery of human connection …. deeper human connection that just Hi, how is your day? “Have a good day” relationship. Are we brought together for a reason? It’s all such a mystery….
Bottom line…these connections, our lingering friendships and trusting others with the deepest parts of ourselves, inviting others to take a seat in our life….this the whipped cream on our pumpkin pie!
Until next time.
I’ve been trying to blog for several days…in fact right now I’m trying to figure out how to put words together. I feel I need to get it out of my head so I can shut it down and reel in my anxiety.
Nothing bad has happened….life has happened….but the complication of being an empath has fueled the fires of hell in my mind. I know, intellectually, what I need to do to get a grip but I am going to have to handcuff the part of my brain that does not allow me to avoid so I can to actually accomplish it.
Without going into any detail…suffice to say that when all of a sudden those connected to you start having minor health and common mentally challenging events, I, as an empath, take on those emotions…I can’t explain it, I just feel it. If you are an empath, you totally understand, if you are not an empath, just read along.
When several minor things happen to those around you, it can be completely overwhelming and if you just go with the flow and fail to arm yourself from these growing life events, eventually the nasty overwhelming feelings take over your peace of mind. For me, that is where destructive anxiety takes over. Anxiety for me is the inability to have calm, inability to think rationally. Many times when the sun goes down, my fear and morbid thoughts rage and I’m stuck with heart racing, irrational fear of anything that could possibly happen.
I know this. I have experienced it too many times in my life not to understand it. I get complacent, I don’t use the skills I’ve learned to deal with it in the beginning. I must back away from everyone’s energy. I must fine my peace in solitude
Until next time……
I had a particularly satisfying guided Meditation tonight. I have my favorites and I usually choose Jason Stephenson…but tonight when I was selecting which You Tube video I was going to use, I didn’t think about it….for some reason I chose This one. It was the right one….it took me where I needed to be. it’s almost like hypnosis….he took me deeper and deeper into total relaxation and then successfully guided me into working out some things I needed to learn about myself.
And then when he brought me out of it and the meditation was over, You Tube automatically took me to my next saved favorite Video.
And I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Feeling vulnerable is a natural emotion. I believe whether we have the tenacity to fight this emotion or wear it on our sleeve, we all have differing triggers and degrees of vulnerabilities….I’m not sure if this feeling of being susceptible to being wounded or hurt, open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc. ever goes away. There is something about that inner voice that is always chatting away inside us. I believe the vulnerable emotion’s most important job is just an alert for incoming mortar fire.
Those of us who have been damaged or emotionally injured early in life, perhaps, are more susceptible to understanding we have to take in the information, understand what is happening and learn how to fight these assaults on our well being. Others may be stronger and don’t knowingly listen to the voice while there are those who give into the feelings which brings them to their knees.
I wonder if aggressive personalities, fighters, angry people are just fighting their feelings of vulnerability on the front line. It is often a painful feeling and for self preservation these people feel they are saving themselves…..and on the other end, there is either no fight left or skills have not been honed in order to even understand this emotion and they just give in to being a victim?
Until next time….