Fogged

We seem to be caught in the cycle of warm, moist (for my dear friends who hate that word) and cool air cycle. The last few mornings we have been socked in with fog that doesn’t burn off until late morning. We had ice and a bit of snow over the weekend…bit determined by where you live in the Kansas City area. Yesterday morning’s drive to Independence was gorgeous. It reminded me of those Iowa mornings in the country when Mother Nature displayed her hoar frost.

Flash ahead 24 hours, it was nearly 50, sunny and no breeze so I took a walk…Geese are still here, a few trees have some buds and some flowers are coming up. I have no illusions that spring is here…we still have to get through February.

Gratitude!

Losing the need to “tell my story”

When I was in the grips of pain, depression, and overwhelming anxiety which I blamed on my job, my role as caretaker of my elderly mother and Aunt, feeling like an outcast in my husbands family and hating who I was because of the way I was thinking and the way my body looked…whew…I felt like at every opportunity, I needed to tell my story. My story had no happiness but involved my upbringing, my loneliness, my familial burdens as well as every other thing that I considered to be my negative personal affliction. By telling my story, at least I got attention, I had a line of people who felt sorry for me, I had friends who would get down there in the mud and wallow with me. I thought I was fortunate *fist on forehead, that I at least had that!

Each step forward I thought I could make myself feel better by changing my surroundings and my personal appearance but the brick wall I was running into got thicker and thicker. Finally a therapist led me around the brick wall.

Today…I woke up feeling like I was going to have a sensitive pre-holiday day…but I started out mindfully feeling gratitude…I took my oldest grandson to school this morning and he chatted as if he was in my head and knew I needed to hear what he was saying….gratitude. I’m babysitting my 3 year old grandson today and he’s laughing and full of joy…gratitude. I was thinking about Christmas past and I felt gratitude….I was loved and I have friends and family who love me. When my grandson pushed the button on the paw of a toy dog that sings Blue Christmas over and over again, I felt gratitude. My mom bought this stuffed dog for herself a couple years before she died…I felt an unusual thankfulness for my mother and her gift to me of memories of those cherished christmases past. For a moment, I felt myself wanting to rethink my story…the familiar story I used to tell myself… but I just stopped and realized gratitude was my new story and here I am. Right here and right now, I’m so thankful!

Happy Holidays….