The beauty, release and growth in ah-ha moments is breathtaking! It was a Monday night in June after a particularly difficult (for me) spirit group discussion, a nights sleep that I don’t recall dreaming, and morning pages with my green gel ink pen that the honest truth came vomiting out!
The actual details are unimportant to anyone else, the information to be shared is my unwavering belief that i have been living in fear, uncertainty about my future, and a level of angst about my past. The illusion that i am controlling my life is just an illusion and what I am really saying is I’m afraid of the unknown. So many scary and sad things have happened to me in the past that I must control my future in order to be happy and protect myself. All illusion.
One tool to use to aid in figuring this stuff out is morning pages. Committing to writing in long hand…not on the computer…3 pages every morning. These should be written in a binder or in a notebook that only you will see. My intention is to burn my current journal because there are things I’ve written that I NO WAY want anyone else to read. This should not be in dear diary form although there are no wrongs for what works for you to get the juices flowing. The is not a recollection of yesterday’s adventures, what you did or what you ate…although what ate you might be more significant. The only rule is you write down what is in your mind at the moment and then build on it because that is how the thoughts work in our head. 3 pages….every morning. If this process intrigues you, check out Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way”.
Until next time….
Once I started doing the work. Once I started listening to my inner self. Once I realized that therapy was not the end all for a peaceful life. Once I was introduced to the possibilities, I started changing….I started reading books and listening to the people close to me who had a different outlook on living the best life for themselves. Once I calmed down and realized that many of my opinions, behaviors, prejudices and judgements were not really mine but belonged to the people who either shaped me in my childhood or were learned from my emotionally fearful peers, I started figuring out where my bottom line of recovery needed to start. I do not believe that this learning ever stops. I believe that just because you KNOW, you are just on a different path…but I don’t think I will ever really KNOW in this lifetime.
One of my first ah ha moments was when I read an article about being an empath. I teared up recognizing myself in the words. It resonated with me…I was in my knowing. I knew I was an empath. This morning a Facebook friend shared This empath article. Which sent me to my dear diary blog to document my thoughts….and share it with someone else who may need the insight or nudge.
Until next time…..
I’ve been wanting to do this blog for quite awhile. I don’t know what is stopping me because in the last 11 years this blog has been a witness to world class disfunction. I’ve spilled my guts over the years for two reasons. Quite frankly, I needed it for my own therapy….write it out, Dear Diary, and heal; and the second reason is I always hope that I will connect with someone who needs to know that they are not alone. I’ve heard you!
Just for the record, I’ve been off anti depressants for 1 year and 8 months…but who is counting. I didn’t just go off anti depressants without a labor intensive backup plan! I’ve continued some in depth self healing….reading and meditating and doing positive affirmations, learning about spirituality and immersing myself in the love and acceptance at Unity Village….and I’ve also been doing some therapy with a licensed therapist who uses EMDR. Using the EMDR protocol, I’ve been able to quiet my mind and relieve my intense fear based anxiety. This treatment is used for PTSD and other flight/fight loops that occur in the brain when you don’t deal with your significant negative, fear based ‘stuff’ in a timely manner.
This treatment was foreign to me when it was suggested…and after one especially painful session, I told my therapist that I have no idea how it works but it works. So there it is. tools that are working for me.
Until next time….
Are we just harming ourselves? I’m not sure yet if I believe in the karma theory but I know in the past from my mental flapping, I’ve entertained lots of negative hopes for those who have been on the other side of my personal battle line. It is starting to sink in that you are what you think…in other words…negative attitudes and gossip or bad mouthing others is nothing more than a show of your own personal insecurity. Continually trying to drag someone else down with your words and attempting to incite YOUR jealousies in others really only feeds your own negative agenda. ESpecially if your opponent is wearing the shield of love and their own personal acceptance and self love. It’s unflattering and harmful only to the person doing the bashing!
We have no control over how we were treated and loved or not loved as children. We have no control over how other people treat us. But we do have total control how we receive the information and more importantly our reaction to negativity. After a conversation with a friend today AND my own personal experience, I’m convinced sometimes we must just cut ties with those people who hurt us with their words, actions and intentions. As a people pleaser, it is often hard to stop the cycle of trying to force people to love us and respect us. For the most part, these relationships bring us pain, sadness and personal retreat in order to save ourselves! These relationships are not worth the angst experienced in your mind and in your heart!
Until next time….
One of those political pundits tweeted that preparing for the republican debate on Thursday is like preparing for a NASCAR race when you know one driver will be drunk. (Paraphrased). I laughed out loud when I heard it on Meet the Press…then giggled again when it appeared on Face the Nation. I will not say that I support Donald Trump but a I will say I’m not as afraid of him as I am Scott walker! Of course (he is tired of hearing me say) that I won’t get to hear anything else vital to feed my Sunday political appetite because the Kansas City station must only air the first half of Face the Nation because they have to feature the talking head “personalities”? Of the local talking heads and their fluff. I think I’m going to have to attack them on social media to calm my anger. SHOCK!
I will also paraphrase the best explanation I’ve received about mentally dealing with my dysfunctional childhood. I received this bit of wisdom from a friend of 30 years. She and I worked together for 2 years back in the 80s and lost touch for several years until we found each other on Facebook and have grown our mutual love and respect for each other. She suggested last night that one of the reasons I continue to occasionally regurgitate my childhood maternal relationship is because I keep asking why. I’m searching for the WHY for my upbringing. Why would a mother treat a child the way my mother treated me. WOW! I’m feeling confident that I’ve talked and worked my way thru it even as far as forgiving her….but, the WHY is always there. I’m never going to know why! I’ve officially made it over another hill! …..and now.
I watch the baseball game on TV. Go ROYALS,
Until next time…..
I have been building a friendship with someone I have been acquainted with for several years. This is one of those friendships being built on shared interests and shared experiences. I have felt connected to her for some time after learning of her struggle and recovery from past emotional pain. We chatted PM last night for quite some time as we each shared some of our own childhood demons with one another.
Regurgitating some of my mother crap used to send me back into nightmares of anxiety and depression. Last night’s discussion did not have that effect…I felt cleansed. Talking to her had me realizing that my history was nothing in comparison to the crosses a lot of people bare….and, most importantly, I realized how far I have come in recovery.
Sometimes our vulnerabilities, lack of trust and fear of being rejected or just that old stubborn pride keep us from taking steps to rid ourselves of what we don’t really like about ourselves. It’s there. It’s evident by our internal jealousies and anger…by putting up a huge wall between us and other people…by not being genuine in our relationships for fear of being hurt. I know that it takes a lot of guts to not just accept but to talk to someone else and slowly start letting it out. Clinging to the same old pain only makes the pain continue.
Changing and healing is a process. The first step is working through our vulnerabilities and fear and sharing a story. No apologies for our feelings – they are our feelings and as my therapist shared with me….feelings are our feelings – they are like the weather and we cannot change them…until we start changing the things in our heart and our life that are causing those feelings.
I’m blessed to have those friends in my life who allow me to be me and love me anyway. It is what makes me real.
Until next time…..
Healing really does bring new perspectives! I’ve blogged and blogged and blogged and talked and talked and talked about my mother’s narcissism and my upbringing – the psyche job she did on me…it is fading…I’m starting to be able to get past the bad with a different perspective. I wish I could have been in the place I am now when she and my dad were still alive..but, of course, that is impossible because I was living what I thought was my nightmare! It’s okay. I’m not beating myself up now…I’m just finding peace with the past. One of those moments came yesterday. In some year before she died, she acquired (either a gift or bought it herself) this little Christmas dog…it sings blue, blue Christmas and turns it’s head while it sings. I’ve had it under the tree this year and Jax found it yesterday and learned how to turn it on and make it sing. I had an overwhelming sense of sadness – how delighted she would have been to know she had a great grandson and that he would be playing with her toy. I love Christmas time…I’ve figured out that it isn’t actually Christmas day that I love so much but the magic of the season and I got it from her…she loved it too and it is one of the most loving memories I have of her. The magical Christmas season!
Jenny worked late last night so we took Jax with us to do some shopping and hit Chilis for supper. He’s 19 months old now and this is my favorite age…I remember my daughters reaching 18 months and how much I loved their wonderment of everything and their acceptance of joy.
I wish I could upload video to wordpress…I took a video of him cleaning the table with a wipe before we put food on it – as his mother has taught him. Pure Joy.
…and not wanting to share his bounty of snacks before his food comes…he genetically got that from me. I don’t share food. LOVE!
Until next time….