Hanging at eye level out my kitchen window is this shriveled leaf still attached to its branch. It has survived several windy autumn days, thunderstorms, gentle rain, sleet and a significant snow storm and still remains today while, again, snow flakes fall all around.
Occasionally it will flutter with a breeze but continues to hang secure to its branch refusing to give up…its not time for it to release and softly drift to the ground to join the other leaves. It is a quiet reminder for me about the simplicity of life in nature…
It’s a concept I’m just learning to actually HEAR. On this incredibly personal journey I started so many years ago, I stopped at every crossroad in order to re-evaluate right, left, forward or often screaming NO and running back from where I had come. The thought of creating boundaries was always the one thing causing me to retreat…..
I was raised an only child by older parents with completely different personalities. My parents (who did the best they could do) used me as a child of about 8 and onward to be the glue in their relationship…talking to me about their problems in and out of their relationship and teaching me quickly to be a problem solver and a people pleaser. They sent me out into the world incapable of setting up personal boundaries.
I frequently step or run forward to do the things I want to do but I’m usually dragging someone or something else with me, not in my best interest, because I’m just afraid to say no.
This morning two memes mentioning boundaries popped up on my FB page….my spiritual soul grabbed on …. holding tightly as if I had never before heard the concept. And just like that…I know where my awareness will be focused.
Until next time…
I had one of those moments this morning…I liken it to a sparkling dust of wisdom falling from the sky and gently landing on my shoulder. It’s those ah ha moments that gently ring your bell of recognition and it feels like….like….a thunder shirt for a dog. It was just ANOTHER small glimpse of a moment that I’ve been able to see through the peep hole of who I am.
Quite a while ago I seized on the Maya Angelou quote, At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them feel.
Jeff Foster, in the book Deepest Acceptance touched on removing the story you have told yourself about difficult people in your life and see them without your story, without your pain or whatever emotion you have attached to them. See them new and fresh…see them just as they are. I immediately looked in the corner and saw my memory image of my mother as just a person I did not know. I really looked at her…I understood the lesson.
…..and then this morning the little poof of sparkle. Yes, in fact, we can love everyone as human beings…as ourselves….even those folks that make themselves hard to love by their behavior…..I have to remove the story I tell myself about them…good or bad….by knowing how they made me feel. It is often nearly impossible to forget the event, to forget what they said, to forget how they literally crumbled your heart or your self esteem. The reason is the emotion I attached to them how they made me feel. I may not remember the story just right…I may not remember exactly what was said…I may not even remember why I can’t stand them…but I’m always attached to them by emotion…by the way they made me feels. Releasing the emotion may not be easy, but realizing that this is my story, my emotion, my path gives me ownership. I am seriously tired of all of the angst balled up in my chest because of my perceptions of past transgressions but I have the choice to close the door and not rent space to them in my head from this moment on.
Until next time….
Sometimes I feel like I’m on a horse with no reins. Mentally that is…it really isn’t possible for me to board a horse, get on a horse, mount a horse? The last time I threw my leg over a horse on a carousel at the carousel museum in Leavenworth, KS, I had that moment of terror….while actively mounting the fake horse….what if I can’t get on….but much, much worse…what if I can’t get off.
I am not a riding a horse person….flying across the meadow on a horse with no name seems like it would be terrifying …… although…it might be exactly what I need to do if:
My thoughts today as I realize mom has now been gone from this life for 10 years. There are just ashes left of the past I’ve left behind. It’s all happening right now. Everything else is an illusion…..just like the illusion of the future where I see myself riding a horse with no reins across the meadow. Just like control of the horse, I only have the illusion of control in my life.
Until next time….
- I could give up control physically and in my mind not try to control the outcome….ie. not worry about who will clean up the blood and carry me over the mountains to a hospital.
- Breath into my feelings of fear and realize that the outcome is only a scenario I’m playing out in my head based on all of the fear based thinking that has gone before as I’ve tried to prepare myself for every eventuality rather than just relaxing and being!
- Allow someone to help me rather than faking strong and overly competent as I’ve always done in the past. Residue from childhood of not having confidence that there were “people” to take care of me rather than me having to take care of them. *cough mother.
I started off my Morning Pages arguing the woulda, shoulda, coulda theory of my life. I think I’m still following “someone” else’s rules…rules that have a home in my ego….rules that I haven’t seen to fit to challenge with the board of directors in my brain!
Today is not the first day I’ve argued that I am very content sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee, plotting death to the cicadas having the intention that I will do nothing today other than read and make notes (bulletpoint notes) about How do I go about killing cicadas).
OMG someday I will be 80 (insert number) and I won’t be able to get around as well and I will regret the decision I made on August 9 2019 at 0900 to just do nothing…what is wrong with me that I don’t want to do anything…everyone else is out there living productive lives and here I sit on my deck doing nothing!
There is a heepa lotta attachment here to shoulda! Then…I thought….I read a lot of books and attend classes each week on changing my thinking….quieting ego thinking and making decisions through the divine spirit in me….keeping my vibrations high, the value of meditating….and I can’t make peace with myself to be content right now…just being in the moment? Right here….right now!
I may just be overthinking…spending too much time outside my head and letting my ego cause me to be off center and causing the energy I’m using on something that doesn’t even deserve a conversation blind me by the steam this useless activity is creating.
Until next time….
A couple weeks ago, he and I watched a Public Television presentation on Mindfulness. I felt for a guy named Dan Harris who was one of those unfortunate news “talking heads” who lost his….we’ll call it train of thought….during a panic attack while filling in on Good Morning America. I was introduced to the name, Dan Harris, now of ABC Nightline fame, but his story did not make or break the intent of the topic for me.
A couple days later, I went to my library website in order to find an audio book to fill my thoughts while making a solo 3 hour drive to Des Moines for a doctor appointment. I selected audio books and in the first of 14 pages of “available” audio books to rent was
I inferred meaning in the find under the label of synchronicity.
It is an excellent book…with humor, honesty and a lot of searching and/or research, Dan Harris puts it all out there as he “embarks on an unexpected, hilarious, and deeply skeptical odyssey through the strange world of spirituality and self-help….”. He met, interviewed and studied with some of the biggies in New Thought teachings….ie Eckhart Tolle.
His experiences spoke to me throughout the book but by far it is just a good, humorous read about life and walking and chewing gum….and meditation!
Until next time….
I assume everyone who has lost a beloved will find truth to these words to some degree…depending on our spiritual beliefs or organized religious domestication…when someone transitions from life to death, we feel them in our sorrow….we miss them… I know some of us remember and mourn the loss of the relationship and how they made us feel. Others believe that someday in our transition, the beloved will be waiting, in a place called heaven, with arms outstretched. Some of us believe the energy from our beloved is with us every day and that we can call upon that energy for guidance. Sadly, because we can’t agree on the path, often it divides us and we take issue with each other and completely close roads down rather than offer a detour.
These thoughts of mine were triggered this morning because my calendar notified me that next month will be the birthday of a beloved that transitioned in January of this year….and the moment I noticed it on the calendar, I said in my head…your birthday is coming up, Jen, how are you feeling about that? Because our less than a year old relationship was not one of my normal friendships of experiences and enmeshment before she passed, I seem to think it is necessary to dissect my feelings. I think what I have figured out that our connection was concrete in spirit before our personalities had time to gel over coffee once a week or really to even know about each other in the typical friendship “way”. Being newer to this “we are all one” spirituality In relation to my history of dogmatic teachings through the various Christian churches I attended, I think I can answer my own question about Jen and me.
I, seriously, question at times whether she actually existed…our souls seem to have danced together each taking and giving generously to one another without words. Words were not needed…she was my early lesson in what it means to just “BE” and honor and bow to the Devine in her. Namaste!
Until next time….