He is thinking about going to the front yard today, he spent time in the backyard yesterday.
I lost my dirty green sweatshirt and found it in the dirty clothes basket so I was forced to find it’s replacement…bright white
I cut my own bangs. I look twelve and this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to look younger.
We continually work on this 1,000 piece vegetable puzzle. Purple grapes had me questioning my life and my choices but made headway last night…I think we are already missing some pieces…damn cats! I think you can see the fake smiles in this picture and I notice It appears he is using his strength clutching the box to lessen his angst.
This lovely Christmas gift from the kids has become the most exciting thing in our life. When the yellow finch is dining, Rex is able to fly through the air and bump into the Window…the bird flies off and Rex gets sprayed with the water bottle which means the window is constantly wet with running drips. Of course this may be the only cleaning they get this spring. I’m way too busy.
My daughter sent THIS ARTICLE to me this morning. The author, Julio Vincent Gambuto, put into words what I’ve been feeling since I CHOSE to Shelter at home prior to the order being handed down from the Governor: “What has happened is inexplicably incredible. It’s the greatest gift ever unwrapped. Not the deaths, not the virus, but The GREAT PAUSE”.
There is no doubt the extreme anxiety experienced across the globe will change our lives…there will be a new normal. There is no doubt people are experiencing many different emotions from distrust of our government and each other to the deep sorrow experienced by loss of health and loss of life. Each one of us will have our own “story” to tell when this is over. I am confident everyone will not write the same narrative of events we are collectively experiencing.
I feel like a deep breath is needed. A deep breath of acceptance because there really is nothing we can do about this individually. And perhaps that is the lesson to be learned here. This is everyone…this is the population of the globe. This is different that anything I have experienced in my lifetime. Is it appropriate to say..we need this. As a society, as a country, as a world, we were living one disaster after another. We are cliques of people hating other cliques of people. We are destroying the earth one plastic milk carton at a time while having no reverence for our lands, our trees and our wildlife.
This is a huge pause. It will make a difference. We will make a difference together once we understand the rules of the game.
I woke up around 5 this morning, chatted with a bestie on line, tried to read a book which I’m not finding fascinating but I feel it does enhance my language skills since I’m not talking very much. There are a few big words in it which I hope I would pronounce correctly due to the fact reading written words is much different than wrapping your tongue around them. I knew the book could not satisfy me like a good sunrise on a clear day….and then I thought…I can be at the grocery store when it opens at 7 and avoid all of the angst of people.
It was freeking depressing. There were a few cars in the lot and every person in there other than cashiers were my age and older….and everyone looking like they did exactly what I did. Grabbed clothes hanging on the end of the bed and off to the store. Depressing…because I could feel it and see it in their faces. It was a totally different experience than a trip to the store during the heart of the day or after 5 pm.
There were no smiles, no nodding of the head. They slowed down on approach and actually stopped. I considered turning my cart around and going the other way so they would be more comfortable…but I realized this would not work looking at the big picture.
I tried to avoid everyone the best I could. I kept a smile on my face, love in my eyes and blessed everyone in the confines of my life in that moment. With the frequently blasted death sentence of the corona virus, older folks are genuinely scared and we need to respect that and love them with everything we have.
……and by mental, I mean what is the story we are telling ourselves. As I wander around the house seeing things that need to be done, I tell myself I don’t really want to do them. These are the exact same things I had all kinds of excuses for back in January and February…you know….the good old days.
Now because the “powers that be” have instituted new rules to keep me safe, I feel like I’m being disciplined. This is in no way a Pollyanna commentary that everything is just fine…there is a lot of suffering. But I am trying to just watch the back-of-my-mind running narration telling me that if this was my choice….a stay at home vacation….needed down time from the busyness, I would not be complaining at all. I would be breathing in the solitude…I would be enjoying the guiltless time to read a book, catch up on TV series I had recorded, settling in for an afternoon movie. It’s not like we are without any options for our leisure time.
Is it safe to say that the angst, anger, boredom in our required downtime is more the story we are telling ourselves than reality…saying “I can’t” rather than “I won’t”. Because of the fear of “catching” the virus and the uncertainty of available health care or for me….mortality, I choose to not have any physical association with others. But if that were not a fear… I have the choice …. like so many others are doing …. ignore the rules in order to satisfy immediate gratification. Theoretically this makes it my choice!
This may be activity day for the egoic voices in my head. This thought pattern was only the first 15 minutes of coffee in my hand, on the couch, waking up….buckle up!
Last year when I had foot surgery, I remember laying in bed with my foot propped. Often out of my ever loving mind thanks to pharmaceuticals. Attempting to have some understanding of the book I had been wanting to read. Watching the same episode of a recorded show several times because I could NOT keep my eyes open or my brain awake in order to have any type of comprehension! “What did he say?”
Soon I was up clomping about with my big black boot….and soon I was wanting to sit around and read and watch movies and I thought …wow I wish I could go back to bed and veg without guilt….of course I didn’t…I planned for the next day, the next week, the next meeting, thinking about the forecast for tomorrow, griping about future events…thinking and worrying about everything I had to do….so much thinking….
Fast forward a year. Here I am in my theoretical bed again. This time there is no planning into the future because I have no idea when the future will begin. I have very few choices. Decision revolve around my eating schedule and remembering if I brushed my teeth?!?!
I am living in a place of acceptance because my only real choice is what I’m doing right now. As uncertainty and unsettled feelings present themselves, I know I need to let them wash over me and then watch them recede. The waves will continue to come, sometimes noisily crashing. But what I have right now is the solitude, the silence and the gift of this moment to learn a new way of living my life.
It feels so weird to not need to check my phone calendar to see what time I should set an alarm for the next morning…. To not have anything on my calendar in general. Our Monday evening book club met on line last night and we began as we always do with a check in. So far everyone seems to be finding their water line…floating in the nothingness and seeking a new normal. I felt so much comfort realizing that everyone was feeling the screeching halt from a lifetime of getting ‘Er done. I FELT our friend, Carol’s, rapid acceptance…they are bringing wood in for a fire, she is doing her spiritual work and she finally has the time to read the books that have been stacking up.
I am actually feeling some comfort today. There’s nothing I have to do…there is only what I want to do…that thought is so foreign in my mind. I committed this morning to use the skills I’ve been practicing to think about life differently. Each moment is a gift that we live in that moment. We have no control…or our normal perceived control over anything. All I have to do is Be. Be in this moment with a gratitude in my heart.
For nearly two years, I (and now He and I) have been reading and discussing in a group setting the Paul Selig series of channeled books. I was new to the New Thought movement and new to the spiritual aspect of my life after many decades of trying to believe all of the religious dogma and rules I found in the Christian churches of my past. The more I was told how to live and what to think by other humans, I realized they were human and didn’t espouse the rules and judgements they were representing. It’s been a very long journey. That being said…..
I chose to join a Paul Selig study group. The choice stepping into the unknown using only my intuition. I was searching for a book group and had no idea where this author, Paul Selig, would take me. I have found the experience with the books and discussions in group have changed my life. He also joined the group a few months after I did…we did some catch up reading at home together to get him up to speed with the first, foundational book, “I am Word”. The group is now in the 4th book of the series. Beginning the first of the year, He and I decided to start the series again. We are reading aloud and discussing the books every morning. There are so many spiritual life lessons to reap from every chapter.
This morning we read this:
“We want you to imagine for a moment that your life, as you choose it, pictures outwardly all of those things you say you want. “I am feeling good about myself.” “My body is healthy.” “I am with the partner I desire.” “I am in the work I love” or “I am no longer working because I no longer need to support myself that way.” Create in your mind the image that you say you want from this level of consciousness that you are today. We want you to do this now. Imagine your perfect life and take a moment and decide that this is now available to you.”
The next paragraph explains that all of those things you in envision for yourself for the future…all of those things that came up when you imagined your perfect life…are the things that are not in your life right now. Those are the things that deserve our focus. Those are the desires we need to shoot for. Dumping all of the shoulds of our life. Stop doing what we have always done, following someone else’s rules perhaps the way we were taught, making decisions because other choices …. like living a bold life….cause fear…fear of the unknown?
I blog about this today because blogging helps cement the thoughts in my own mind especially when they ring my bell and become a huge wake up call for me. When I did the exercise and thought about the things I dream of doing or believe someday I will do……the things I’m not doing now. The main reason I’m not doing them now is the suggestion or the blueprint will require me to expand out of my comfort zone….it just seems ridiculous that I am holding myself back from being who I know I want to be because I’m afraid to take that baby step ahead.
Hanging at eye level out my kitchen window is this shriveled leaf still attached to its branch. It has survived several windy autumn days, thunderstorms, gentle rain, sleet and a significant snow storm and still remains today while, again, snow flakes fall all around.
Occasionally it will flutter with a breeze but continues to hang secure to its branch refusing to give up…its not time for it to release and softly drift to the ground to join the other leaves. It is a quiet reminder for me about the simplicity of life in nature…
It’s a concept I’m just learning to actually HEAR. On this incredibly personal journey I started so many years ago, I stopped at every crossroad in order to re-evaluate right, left, forward or often screaming NO and running back from where I had come. The thought of creating boundaries was always the one thing causing me to retreat…..
I was raised an only child by older parents with completely different personalities. My parents (who did the best they could do) used me as a child of about 8 and onward to be the glue in their relationship…talking to me about their problems in and out of their relationship and teaching me quickly to be a problem solver and a people pleaser. They sent me out into the world incapable of setting up personal boundaries.
I frequently step or run forward to do the things I want to do but I’m usually dragging someone or something else with me, not in my best interest, because I’m just afraid to say no.
This morning two memes mentioning boundaries popped up on my FB page….my spiritual soul grabbed on …. holding tightly as if I had never before heard the concept. And just like that…I know where my awareness will be focused.
I had one of those moments this morning…I liken it to a sparkling dust of wisdom falling from the sky and gently landing on my shoulder. It’s those ah ha moments that gently ring your bell of recognition and it feels like….like….a thunder shirt for a dog. It was just ANOTHER small glimpse of a moment that I’ve been able to see through the peep hole of who I am.
Quite a while ago I seized on the Maya Angelou quote, At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them feel.
Jeff Foster, in the book Deepest Acceptance touched on removing the story you have told yourself about difficult people in your life and see them without your story, without your pain or whatever emotion you have attached to them. See them new and fresh…see them just as they are. I immediately looked in the corner and saw my memory image of my mother as just a person I did not know. I really looked at her…I understood the lesson.
…..and then this morning the little poof of sparkle. Yes, in fact, we can love everyone as human beings…as ourselves….even those folks that make themselves hard to love by their behavior…..I have to remove the story I tell myself about them…good or bad….by knowing how they made me feel. It is often nearly impossible to forget the event, to forget what they said, to forget how they literally crumbled your heart or your self esteem. The reason is the emotion I attached to them how they made me feel. I may not remember the story just right…I may not remember exactly what was said…I may not even remember why I can’t stand them…but I’m always attached to them by emotion…by the way they made me feels. Releasing the emotion may not be easy, but realizing that this is my story, my emotion, my path gives me ownership. I am seriously tired of all of the angst balled up in my chest because of my perceptions of past transgressions but I have the choice to close the door and not rent space to them in my head from this moment on.