I think we learn fear…I really don’t think it’s just natural to be afraid of things, everything, hyper vigilant in our fear, smothering fear. I’m not a disciple of the past life-reincarnation theory. Actually I fall right in the center…some things I hear or experience have me on the right -maybe- side of it. Then I walk along one foot in front of the other thinking naw…don’t believe it…..and with that little tangent about my belief system…there are times that I wonder if my fears “could” be the result of past karma, past life experiences…noticing fur on the ground while looking for nuts and the next thing you know, the saber tooth tiger is chasing me toward my cave entrance.
I was born from, raised by and fought off the fear that seeped from my mother’s pores. As an example, when my first child was born, my mother was standing in my kitchen comforting the crying baby. When I walked into the room, she told me I should take the child to the doctor and have her tested for cyclic fibrosis because her skin tasted salty. My very first reaction was 0 to 60 rage…my mothers terror was always a recognizable shadow…always with her.
Which leads me right into taking your shoes off when you come in the house….inspired by a Facebook share bestowing the fear of what is on the bottom of the shoe…including a bacteria which can lead to nasty infections with symptoms raging from diarrhea to potentially fatal inflammation. OMG and here I was only worried about the China manufactured disease killing hundreds of thousands along with eating hamburger that has been in my fridge for three days….and number one on the list…the mental illness from which I suffer…the fear and disgust of other people’s bare feet…especially when those bare feet are visible to me in my house or close enough to me that I can recognize them as actual human unclothed feet.
It’s no wonder we are a society of fear, hate and discontent..we are afraid of everything. It is contagious and it is the most dangerous Illness of all!
Until next time…
For nearly two years, I (and now He and I) have been reading and discussing in a group setting the Paul Selig series of channeled books. I was new to the New Thought movement and new to the spiritual aspect of my life after many decades of trying to believe all of the religious dogma and rules I found in the Christian churches of my past. The more I was told how to live and what to think by other humans, I realized they were human and didn’t espouse the rules and judgements they were representing. It’s been a very long journey. That being said…..
I chose to join a Paul Selig study group. The choice stepping into the unknown using only my intuition. I was searching for a book group and had no idea where this author, Paul Selig, would take me. I have found the experience with the books and discussions in group have changed my life. He also joined the group a few months after I did…we did some catch up reading at home together to get him up to speed with the first, foundational book, “I am Word”. The group is now in the 4th book of the series. Beginning the first of the year, He and I decided to start the series again. We are reading aloud and discussing the books every morning. There are so many spiritual life lessons to reap from every chapter.
This morning we read this:
“We want you to imagine for a moment that your life, as you choose it, pictures outwardly all of those things you say you want. “I am feeling good about myself.” “My body is healthy.” “I am with the partner I desire.” “I am in the work I love” or “I am no longer working because I no longer need to support myself that way.” Create in your mind the image that you say you want from this level of consciousness that you are today. We want you to do this now. Imagine your perfect life and take a moment and decide that this is now available to you.”
The next paragraph explains that all of those things you in envision for yourself for the future…all of those things that came up when you imagined your perfect life…are the things that are not in your life right now. Those are the things that deserve our focus. Those are the desires we need to shoot for. Dumping all of the shoulds of our life. Stop doing what we have always done, following someone else’s rules perhaps the way we were taught, making decisions because other choices …. like living a bold life….cause fear…fear of the unknown?
I blog about this today because blogging helps cement the thoughts in my own mind especially when they ring my bell and become a huge wake up call for me. When I did the exercise and thought about the things I dream of doing or believe someday I will do……the things I’m not doing now. The main reason I’m not doing them now is the suggestion or the blueprint will require me to expand out of my comfort zone….it just seems ridiculous that I am holding myself back from being who I know I want to be because I’m afraid to take that baby step ahead.
For those of us who are open to and studying New Thought, I’m often taken back when I realize that what I “think” I draw to me. I have been experiencing fear pretty often in the last few years. I would explain this fear as being very content to stay at home…in my own little nest…do what I want to do which has a varying range from nothing to being “busy”. I used to love to travel and retirement meant taking off “whenever” and “wherever”. 6 years ago I looked forward to weekend trips perhaps taking a month and traveling across the US, a trip to England and beyond. I just haven’t been able to do it.
It is quite possible that a trip we took to Belize in 2015 began this segment of fear driven life. The Belize trip was not your typical island breeze all inclusive vacation. We chose to rent a car and see the back roads of Belize. During that trip, those backroads scared me to death. We had found the area which contained the block building named the hospital which was across the gravel parking lot of the block building named The Morgue. A couple days later I became very ill but could not see myself seeking medical treatment here. My only viable option was a 45 minute trip up the “road” into Mexico. This was not an option I was going to take. From airport to ER when we touched down in Kansas City uncovered the shocking news that I had an intestinal abscess and by the way we also found a tumor which we believe to be cancer.
Unintentionally, I believe it is this news that changed me…..I just no longer trusted that I was safe. Recently, during story telling among friends, I recognized that the ongoing theme that surfaced was I had been reasonable free and fearless in my adventures. I’ve been building on this recognition recently by stopping myself when I think…no…that’s ok, I don’t want to do that and changing that thought to ……what happened to fearless Nina?
We live so often in our heads with stories of our pasts that ignite our fears rather than living for right now and celebrating life experiences. We only have right now…someday we will watch the finale of our life and I want to feel the gratitude of living a full and fearless life.
Until next time…..
When it comes right down to the bottom line…most of the crap I give energy to in my day absolutely does not matter….often the rapid ego crises fires off one after the other as I move on to another earth shattering decision I need to make about my hair or what shoes to wear with my jeans.
On my journey, I read and think I have absorbed the difference between thinking with my ego brain…the fear brain or my spirit brain. That fear brain full of I’m not good enough, what if, this could happen, what do they think, if I do that, why is she such a bitch, why is he driving like that, why would she wear that, what will they think if I do it? And the difference in brains. My spirit brain which is fueled by love but most importantly, my spirit brain only recognizes what is happening right here…right this moment. If I’m not thinking about the next moment with my fear brain, I can be in the moment right now where life is happening and it has nothing to do with what if or what they or should I. It’s right now. What do I see, what can I feel, what do I hear right now.
This blog wrote itself after a text from a beloved about an E.R. visit. I went full bore into OMG mode, what if. Irrational fear gripped me until I recognized the behavior. Stop, breath in and out feeling every breath, center myself to what is happening at this moment…right now…..right now all is well.
Hope this helps someone else in crisis mode!
When I initially started Sharing my irritations, hates, repressed anger, loves and thankfulness on this ninasusan.com blog in 2007, it’s purpose was to make connections with other people. It quickly morphed into a safe place to use as my own personal therapy session. I shared my very painful beliefs and words on a public blogging site because I found that I was receiving feedback from perfect strangers who also found themselves in their own personal hell and we related! I also connected with 6 or 7 perfect humans who now ride in the backseat of my car daily…we share, we commiserate, we love and we hold each other up. I have met face to face with a couple of them….the rest of us feel like we’ve also met in person because we just KNOW each other with our souls!
I remember when I started out, I received some flash back from remain nameless because they couldn’t figure out why I didn’t keep my personal business….personal… I heard them…I understood the question…but, quite unlike my usual MO, I continued writing and sharing because I felt I had to get my hate and disconnect from familial mental abuse out or it would kill me. I needed to have a way to communicate everything I was holding inside and I was too afraid to clip the wires on my jaw and actually say out loud what I thought, what I meant…I did not have the guts to back off from those people who had grown accustomed to my people pleasing.
Someone mentioned to me the other day how much they appreciated how authentic my blogs are. The words from her blessed my heart. We all suffer, we all experience mental or physical ailments, we all have grief, we all have irritations and hateful moments. But we all just want to be heard and we all want to be loved. We are what we think. We are the unkind thoughts we think about others. Just Be Kind! Pass it on. Pay it forward!
I decided quite awhile ago that I should either not ever drink again or should drink more frequently. I realize that nothing good could possibly happen if I drank more frequently….so I seldom drink alcohol. It really makes no freeking difference!
My beverage of choice was water during last nights Super Bowl game……for many reasons but foremost is that when the Kansas City Chiefs won…..(special note here to Trump….it’s Kansas City, MISSOURI) I did’t want to miss one single moment of the game! Nearing the end of the 4th quarter, when I realized the Chiefs were just that Damn GOOD, I physically got into the excitement…jumping up and down … stamping my feet …… yelling … clapping…just generally throwing my body around….
I woke up this morning with a pain in my lower back that immediately caught my attention just by opening my eyes. It sent me back to bed alternating heating pad and ice pack. Laying there, I recalled another occasion 20 years ago when a family friend’s son got married. I was drinking cocktails and found myself on the dance floor bumping hips with the groom’s father….not in the violent hip bump dance craze of the 70’s (which we both lived through) but just as two middle age adults who should have known better. It took me several weeks of chiropractic care and physical therapy to be able to walk without limping.
So I share this blog today as more of a Dear Diary entry. 1)I now know that alcohol probably had no effect on either event and 2) no regrets…I would have done nothing different in either exuberant display of joy. But most importantly…thank you to Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs for connecting your fans in this time of separation in our country. Chiefs Kingdom is connected and moving to the same drum beat! It feels so good! CHIEFS!
We all have those experiences with another human that have hurt our feelings, made us feel angry, royally pissed off, sad, knocked off center, unappreciated, embarrassed. For some of us, it fed our belief that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough….We attached an emotion to that experience and added dislike, hate, anger, irritation to our list of how we feel about someone….or physical feelings of nausea, headache, stomach pain as a result of the emotional pain we felt.
We start when we are young…I remember being on an elementary school field trip to the Science Center in the 60’s. I was wearing a green and yellow cotton straight dress with a matching belt…a girl in my class told me she didn’t like the color and hated the belt. From that moment on I watched my reflection in the windows we passed and realized in my adolescent mind that she didn’t like the belt because in the window reflection, it made me “look fat”. I took the belt off and after that day refused to wear the dress again. It began a life long habit of body shaming myself and being judgmental of others because I had been emotionally injured in 5th grade.
At this point and age, I realize that I’ve accumulated a lot of emotional garbage and damage and each time I react by saying something hurtful, thinking judgmental thoughts or by being unkind, I’m only really just reliving the experience I had in elementary school when someone didn’t like the belt on my green and yellow dress. I’ve found that these judgmental thoughts, the jealous comments, the unkind words that come out of my mouth are just a result of a story I tell myself about something that happened in my past that I relive again and again….not the actual event but how that event made me feel. I know that by shutting down that non-stop voice narrating my life from behind the scenes, I am a nicer, kinder more loving person.
Hanging at eye level out my kitchen window is this shriveled leaf still attached to its branch. It has survived several windy autumn days, thunderstorms, gentle rain, sleet and a significant snow storm and still remains today while, again, snow flakes fall all around.
Occasionally it will flutter with a breeze but continues to hang secure to its branch refusing to give up…its not time for it to release and softly drift to the ground to join the other leaves. It is a quiet reminder for me about the simplicity of life in nature…
A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine announced that he was taking off for Florida for a few weeks. I had 3 thoughts.
- He is an integral part of a spirit book class I attend on Thursdays and I thought…bummer.
- Wow that sounds really fun….this will be the second winter that thoughts of escaping the cold will be foiled because of things happening in my life. O’ POOR ME
- Why would he want to go in January…why not wait until February…February always sucks!
Today as I sit here watching the snow fall over already ice covered streets I had an “ah ha” moment.
My threefold thought process didn’t occur because of Randy’s trip to Florida in January. It occurred because it triggered me to past life disappointments that were very real, emotions were attached to these disappointments and in all likelihood I had wallowed in them.
- I will miss his input in group was a genuine feeling.
- These “things” holding me back from taking off for a week are all in my mind and are only based in fear aka I shouldn’t, I couldn’t, what would, what if.
He should go in February is nothing but my ego jumping in saying that Randy is wrong and I am right….plain and simple….February is the month to escape…my rules
So today on Randy’s birthday that he is spending walking barefoot on a beach in Florida, I’m watching the snow fall, I have an opportunity to spend a day with myself reading, crafting, crocheting and realizing right here, right now that I am content and I am thankful because I am loved and I am blessed!
Until next time….