Those human qualities

It hasn’t been that long ago that I “mentally” attacked the woman who held up the line in the checkout at the grocery store counting her pennies, checking every grocery sack before she put it in the cart and then left her shopping cart sitting in the middle of the parking lot rather than walking two cars down and putting it in the corral. I mentally insulted her with my thoughts about her buying a case of diet Dr Pepper and the fact that her shirt wasn’t long enough in the back to cover her caboose.

This event has played several times in my head since it happened because I knew I needed to think through my reaction realizing that my irritation level and my anger at this woman was blown out of proportion relative to the experience. I, now, have a pretty good idea why this triggered me …. it would have to do with my embarrassment and irritation watching my mother behave in a similar way as this woman. I loathed the way my mother treated other people with smugness and disrespect depending on how she perceived their station in life.

I have found that the first step is recognition realizing what triggers me from my past. At this point, I really believe that when we behave badly or disrespectful whether it be in our thought process or actually follow through with hurtful, angry or self absorbed verbal comments, we are really reacting to our own insecurities which triggers behavior, perhaps, learned in our upbringing.

Working through this scenario in my head is part of my continuing process of becoming more loving, kinder and more mentally positive in my everyday life. And these little blips of our humanity are just that….little insignificant blips.

Until next time…

Just a hair shy of 10 inches

The last time I recall rain irritating me this much was a year ago April….Suzy was down for her birthday and we had to sit in the house all weekend because IT WOULDN’T STOP RAINING. We finally drove over to the Kansas side to a Greek restaurant with a belly dancer and Moscow mules…..even though I seldom drink, I had a feeling the Moscow mules would help! That was the weekend before a spring trip to Bennett Spring which had received even more rain so we had to cancel because the campground was flooded and I was irritable!

I’m struggling with positive personal affirmations today as I sit at the table surrounded by gloomy skies that look like more rain…we are out of the drought because of the nearly 10 inches of rain that fell in a couple days. I think this calls for some positive affirmations…quietly sending them out into the universe….

  • We needed a good bath to wash the slimy, ugliness that has permeated the news.
  • Our grounds and streams and plants and trees will thrive with the moisture
  • I lift up those struggling with wet basements and houses and businesses under water
    When the clouds part, I know the sun will feel warmer, brighter and bigger; I know how this works….
  • While I’ve been writing this, it has started misting again. I realize I need to take some action and make an effort to control something I have the illusion I can control….like the cats!
  • Until next time…
  • When the apple just isn’t quite ripe…

    I am pretty confident that there is something in my subconscious I’m supposed to be grasping this week. During my morning silence sitting at the kitchen table with my IPad, my phone, my coffee cup and my cat I glance out the door when I see movement, i realize that basically I SEE the same picture each time but my unfocused thoughts seem to be thrown into a box…..like Jameson’s toy box.

    I notice the older couple with their white poodle every morning walking by on the walking trail and wonder if I would recognize if they stopped walking by. I think it would be more like…hmmmm…haven’t seen them walk by for awhile….wonder if they are okay…when was the last time I saw them…..

    Before retirement, I was busy all of the time. I realize now that I was living life on the surface and did not spend any amount of time listening to myself….going inside in peace and quiet to figure out what I REALLY thought about things. I probably let my intuition guide me but I wasn’t aware that it was my intuition….I just thought I had a rapid fire brain that would guide my thoughts while on the fly.

    It seems that now I’m listening to myself, I think things through, I seldom make decisions impulsively and I live a reasonably peaceful life until someone else stirs the air around me. That’s where this nagging subconscious air is stirring. What am I supposed to be hearing….I am unsettled….I’m doing and I’ve done a lot of personal searching to find this contentment but I feel I’m starting to realize I need to be doing something for humanity. I guess I will have to keep listening….it will float it and nudge me when it lands on my shoulder.

    Until next time…..

    Asking for a friend. Okay, okay it was me.

    I had a major fail today..

    She was probably 65 year old woman with a definite pear shape…I mention the pear shape because after her non-courteous, snippy behavior at the check out, when she finally moved, I judged her for not wearing a longer blouse to camouflage the caboose. My irritation began as I stood in line while she tried to come up with pennies for change so she wouldn’t have to receive pennies back. The clerk had completely checked out my items and stacked them on the counter but I was unable to advance forward because she stood dead in her space and looked through every sack before she put them in her cart. Finally I was able to get up to the credit card machine to check out and the clerk got my groceries sacked.

    …..and of course she was parked in front of me in the parking lot. When I saw her carry her case of Dr Pepper to the other side of the car, I just KNEW she was going to,leave her grocery cart sitting there. Yep. She got in the car and drove off. Dark black smoke was starting to escape from my ears. Before she shut her door, I bit my tongue instead of HEY…PUT YOUR SHOPPING CART AWAY. While I was pushing both of our carts around two cars to the cart corral I shook my head and said out loud….you lazy bitch.

    What is the correct way to handle this situation?

    Finishing up

    Few things I can name as actual accomplishments, but I feel like some long projects are reaching completion as winter and spring draw nigh.

    I sincerely hope the house wrens are about finished decorating for the year because quite frankly their new home is so full stuff is hanging out the front door.

    Back splash is being installed today 🤗 which makes me very happy

    School is finally out so the opportunities to visit our youngest daughter …teacher, not student… will, in theory, be easier. I’m making a lot of progress with my daily ruminating. It does feel healthier to let the crap of the past go and focus on the present….the right now. Thank goodness I’ve never been the kind to set goals instead I like to fly by the seat of my pants ….. that’s not to say I haven’t always worried about the future and actually dreaded tomorrow because I wasn’t prepared for what might happen. I’m easing into this way of actually living and not just knowing it’s what i should do and giving lip service to it.

    5 things I see right now…the IPAD, my cup of coffee, Frannie asleep on the floor, napkins from Subway laying on the remote basket and the red hurricane lamp sitting on a cabinet that is not flush with the world. 5 things I hear. John spreading mastic on the wall in the kitchen, clock ticking, other clock ticking, house wrens singing and the air conditioner whirring through the vents. I’m in the moment.

    Until next time…..

    Just one of those folksy stories

    Our neighbor who lives the second house down is from Des Moines. Now for those who don’t know, I’m originally from Des Moines. She’s probably a decade older than I am so we wouldn’t have the same friends…..and she went to a high school on the other side of Des Moines…interestingly enough my high school’s chief rival back in the 70s. We see each other on the street occasionally but she comes down to visit during City wide garage sales and that’s how our common geography somehow came out.

    The Quality of the USPS here in small town Missouri suffers during the month before Christmas. It is actually so irritating that I could do an entire blog rant about it but Right now I don’t need to build the drama in my head. We have metal mailboxes every so often on the street. Each box contains 8 little boxes and the mail person has taped inside each little box a card with the residents name and street address. With that being said, today when I gathered the mail, there was no mail with our name in it but was full of mail for my Des Moines neighbor. I knocked on the door to drop it off and spent a significant amount of time with her taking a tour of the house, talking our like political leanings and had a wonderful visit with this fellow cat lady. On the way home, I once again had one of those “what are the chances” thoughts in my head that two women from a city of approximately 200,000 would end up neighbors in a town of just north of 8,000 people 4 hours south.

    Until I saw him standing in the driveway shielding himself from the wind in his socks and t shirt….oh and he had jeans on trying to figure out if I had been kidnapped or was laying dead at the curb. I’m well taken care of …. although I did think it would be a great ending if squad cars running lights and sirens would have squealed around the corner…………..

    Until next time….

    Connection

    I made a Facebook connection awhile back with a classmate of mine…if memory serves, we actually were classmates from kindergarten through graduation. I call him a classmate because we weren’t really friends….we knew each other and existed in the same world. We didn’t socialize or even, for the most part, share friends. So…I’m not really sure how we connected on Facebook…and the true bonus here is I also connected with his wife…a Facebook friendship I cherish but don’t understand.

    The middle paragraph and middle part of this story is really a question: is there really some universe thing that connects peoples souls? some intuitive connection that brings together virtual strangers? The feeling that you have really known them all of your life….well, with Chuck, I guess I have known him for 56 years. This little mystery of human connection …. deeper human connection that just Hi, how is your day? “Have a good day” relationship. Are we brought together for a reason? It’s all such a mystery….

    Bottom line…these connections, our lingering friendships and trusting others with the deepest parts of ourselves, inviting others to take a seat in our life….this the whipped cream on our pumpkin pie!

    Until next time.

    ….just like oil, the truth rises to the top of the bowl

    I think that once there is a crack in my expectations and therefore personal choices, the liquid drips out until I have a steady flow before other people’s judgements and opinions start jamming up the mess again! I have a steady flow right now!

    I have welcomed Inputs and experiences this past week putting aside my prior expectations and preconceived beliefs and came away with peace of mind and understanding. Who knew that just opening my heart, receiving what felt good and blocking as unimportant the experiences that bring me angst, could have a profound affect on my outlook 🙄!

    We all have choices…the difference for me is going to be the ability to move forward putting into action what is right for me and closing off the opinions and rules of others.

    Onward and upward!

    Until next time….

    I put one foot in front of the other

    Made my way into my mind’s rational room where all the figurines are placed in their appropriate place….all in a week where the skies are gloomy and the temps below average.  Every morning, I tried to think of the day’s gloomy weather like wearing an oversized t shirt with my old Walmart sweatpants.  Comfortable, safe and familiar as opposed to having to push myself out the door into warmth and sunshine wearing jeans, boots and a noticeable red shirt!

    I’m approaching 9 months of being medication free.  I’ve learned that I no longer have the option of pharm to put me in a stupor in order to not feel anything….I must recognize the signs that anxiety is creeping in day to day or actually just event to event.  Perhaps I’m a slow learner or more likely I just don’t have the discipline yet to work the skills I’ve learned to ease the symptoms when they first appear?

    This night time irrational anxiety is a bitch!  but this week, I grabbed it with all of my strength and won again.  Practice makes perfect, right?

    Until next time…..

    One of those Moments..

    I remember when my girls were in preschool….Lollipop Lane…Grandparents were invited around Thanksgiving for a special day.  My girls were lucky to live in the same town as both sets of grandparents so were accompanied by Gmas and Gpas Brown and Green.  After these pre-Thanksgiving events, the girls would come home with Reindeer made out of clothespins made by the Grandparents and themselves.  The same grandparents day craft event…. 6 years apart.  I put all of those reindeer clothespins on the Christmas Trees for many years even after they were adults.  I wasn’t even part of the craftmaking but these Christmas ornaments probably meant more to me than they  did to the girls.

    I received a Text message from Jenny tonight confirming Papa and Grandma were attending Grandparent Day at Preschool later this month.  I, seriously, had a couple tears slide down my cheeks.  I’m a Grandma.  Back in the day, I really never considered the possibility that I would one day be old enough let alone actually have grandchildren.  I’m ecstatic about going with Jax to preschool.  An old-age rite of passage, so to speak!

    Until next time….