Do you board up on a horse?

Sometimes I feel like I’m on a horse with no reins. Mentally that is…it really isn’t possible for me to board a horse, get on a horse, mount a horse? The last time I threw my leg over a horse on a carousel at the carousel museum in Leavenworth, KS, I had that moment of terror….while actively mounting the fake horse….what if I can’t get on….but much, much worse…what if I can’t get off.

I am not a riding a horse person….flying across the meadow on a horse with no name seems like it would be terrifying …… although…it might be exactly what I need to do if:

  1. I could give up control physically and in my mind not try to control the outcome….ie. not worry about who will clean up the blood and carry me over the mountains to a hospital.
  2. Breath into my feelings of fear and realize that the outcome is only a scenario I’m playing out in my head based on all of the fear based thinking that has gone before as I’ve tried to prepare myself for every eventuality rather than just relaxing and being!
  3. Allow someone to help me rather than faking strong and overly competent as I’ve always done in the past. Residue from childhood of not having confidence that there were “people” to take care of me rather than me having to take care of them. *cough mother.
  • My thoughts today as I realize mom has now been gone from this life for 10 years. There are just ashes left of the past I’ve left behind. It’s all happening right now. Everything else is an illusion…..just like the illusion of the future where I see myself riding a horse with no reins across the meadow. Just like control of the horse, I only have the illusion of control in my life.
  • Until next time….
  • Pulling my teen year poems out…don’t make me do it!

    Who among us can jump into their shorts, jeans, swim suit, or pajamas everyday with both feet. I’m not talking about bragging rights of which leg we put in first as someone coined the phrase to make us all feel normal and like we belong. Actually I’m waiting for a news report with headlines saying the government is now separating us as a people by who puts their right leg in and who puts their left leg in first….and, of course can turn themselves around.

    I joined a writing group a year ago or so…I now call it my beloved writing group, Word Shine…I don’t share any of my writings yet. I have thought about pulling out some of my teen years angst poems….because they deserve it….why, you might ask. Because I learned in this group that it was possible to become more creative, which by the way is my goal, if I start using my non dominant hand to write. This technique exercising, in my case, the right hemisphere of my brain. It was also suggested that I use this “useless” hand to brush my teeth. By the way, I tried that first….no issue…I have an electric toothbrush, no small maneuvers required! SCORE

    But for,the last two weeks, I’ve been attempting to do half my morning pages with my left hand. The only thing I can tell about this practice is I’m totally screwed creatively if I use this practice as an indicator. Not only is it not legible but I cannot EVEN form letters correctly while printing. I absolutely can’t figure out how to draw a Y. Try it! Please let me know. I could use some reassurance. BTW Word Shine meeting in a couple hours, I need to dig up my old poems.

    Until next time…

    Or I’m blinded by the steam escaping from my head

    I started off my Morning Pages arguing the woulda, shoulda, coulda theory of my life. I think I’m still following “someone” else’s rules…rules that have a home in my ego….rules that I haven’t seen to fit to challenge with the board of directors in my brain!

    Today is not the first day I’ve argued that I am very content sitting on the deck, drinking my coffee, plotting death to the cicadas having the intention that I will do nothing today other than read and make notes (bulletpoint notes) about How do I go about killing cicadas).

    VS

    OMG someday I will be 80 (insert number) and I won’t be able to get around as well and I will regret the decision I made on August 9 2019 at 0900 to just do nothing…what is wrong with me that I don’t want to do anything…everyone else is out there living productive lives and here I sit on my deck doing nothing!

    There is a heepa lotta attachment here to shoulda! Then…I thought….I read a lot of books and attend classes each week on changing my thinking….quieting ego thinking and making decisions through the divine spirit in me….keeping my vibrations high, the value of meditating….and I can’t make peace with myself to be content right now…just being in the moment? Right here….right now!

    I may just be overthinking…spending too much time outside my head and letting my ego cause me to be off center and causing the energy I’m using on something that doesn’t even deserve a conversation blind me by the steam this useless activity is creating.

    Until next time….

    Right now is the only moment I have

    Because of my upbringing which I can sum up as do what you are told, no need to have a mind of your own because this is what you believe and this is what you will do, it took me a long time to realize that I was going to begin stepping out in my own direction. I still followed rules and, for the most part, laws, but I learned through experience that if you continue doing what you’ve always done and think with the same mind you used before, then you will have the exact same outcome. BUT…if you pay attention to nuances (which I now call intuition), speak with respect, do your homework and intelligently defend your case, then sometimes rules will be changed. I also learned that if the rules don’t change, you can either suck it up and follow the rules which MAY be the appropriate behavior or more likely for me, I would get mad…scream and holler in my head …. then organize like- minded individuals and go at it again…. being sure to attach some negative emotion to it so that in 20 or more years later, similar emotions about similar situations can rise up and before you know it you are overwhelmed in anger and hatred and vengeance which will probably be overblown for the situation…ie:road rage. There are many years and many experiences that have occurred before which exploded this workable problem into a full blown battle in your head. When they rise up, you will be reacting and responding the way you did 20 or more years ago to a completely different situation….the cycle just continues throughout life.

    What did I just read or hear the other day..something to the effect….you can’t fix a problem with the same mind that created it.

    My opinion as to the answer is not going to come from me in a 3 paragraph blog, or quite frankly, from me at all…I’m learning and all I can really share is what got me from there to where I am now sharing my thoughts on my blog, but I will credit the PRACTICE of meditation, the book Mastery of Self by Don Miguel Ruiz, Jr…his daddy wrote the Four Agreements, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

    Until next time…

    So..after all these years I’m not lonely?

    That needle in a haystack…that feeling of loneliness that is like a thread with no knot that pulls through the eye of the needle?

    I can’t really say I never recognized the loneliness…I know it has always been there but I’ve always given it a different name and excuse…but today, TODAY I had one of those revelations that will change me.

    As an only child with older parents and with the only first cousins living 2 1\2 hours away with the youngest first cousin being 11 years my senior, I didn’t have the Facebook shared idyllic family….about siblings and cousins…but I had the absolute best neighborhood to grow up in. While so many of those neighborhood friends had siblings to share the disappointment of the street lights coming on in the summer signaling time to call it a day, for the most part I went in the house alone. But because I had Lennie (whose siblings were older and out of the house) and other neighbor kids my age, I didn’t really feel I was missing anything. The first holiday that I remembered I was a lonely, only child was when my bff roommate went camping on the 4th of July in the late 70s and I didn’t have the energy or the confidence to find something to do without her. I felt like everyone else had a fallback…there was always a sibling to glob onto.

    I surrounded myself with friends who became family during my adult years. I married into a large family that I didn’t fit into when I thought a large family would be the answer to my loneliness! But, I always enjoyed deep and fulfilling friendships….unlike many of my sibling rich friends who are recovering from their own painful broken relationships with family.

    It didn’t hit me until this morning that the silent grudge I held against my parents for not providing me with a perfect sibling nor the loneliness that I was positive I alone owned was all in my head…ego..totally controlled by what I THOUGHT was missing because I made it a thing! Had this life role I’m living played out differently, would I still feel lonely if I had blood siblings rather than my chosen friends who became family? I’m going to post this blog and then take a moment to breath into the reality that I am loved, I am exactly what I am supposed to be in this moment..because this is all there is…right here and right now.

    Until next time….

    Which daughter will take care of us in old age….

    Subtitle: steroids are bad

    The story about my youngest daughter will begin….she’s an old soul. Antiques interest her. She quilts, she does cross stitch, she taught herself to crochet, she likes to cook, she volunteers, she buys fresh flowers once a week throughout the year and places them in vases around her house…you get the picture.

    At some point in our “relationship”, I noticed she occasionally wore one of those nighttime eye masks for sleeping….and at some point (because we never discard anything), I noticed one of those eye masks in a drawer in my house…I’m pretty certain I didn’t buy it…it was probably left here or we moved it to this house 5 years ago.

    I’m on steroid medication…approaching day 5 due to bronchitis and an ear situation that wouldn’t clear on its own. The steroids make me crazy! I can’t stop eating, I can’t think straight, words like “the” are foreign to me and I can’t sleep. I found the eye mask. Ah…so if I wear this and don’t sleep all night at least I might be able to avoid the morning light peaking in around the curtains and sleep later in the morning??

    After much thought, with little clarity, I put on the eye mask before I “harnessed” up with the CPAP, put my earplugs in, felt around and found the switch for my bed side light, turned on the CPAP, hmmmm why didn’t the little light come on, jumped out of bed, felt around for the plug…it was plugged in….omg..turn on my bedside lamp, it’s not on, omg look to the left, I can’t see the orange clock numbers, omg the electricity is off, lay back down, doze off, wake up still no clock…doze again, wake up STILL no clock, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS OVER MY EYES, why can’t I see?……oh…the eye mask….silent profanity…omg the electricity hasn’t been off.

    Steroids are very bad.

    Until next time…

    Nina Sue want a turtle?

    This is a story I cherish.

    When I was young and very young, my dad would take me on long walks down the dusty gravel road at Grandmas. Usually we ended up at the little cemetery about 1/2 mile down the road. He would point out headstones of our dead ancestors and share with me the stories about them handed down generation to generation. I’ve often contemplated hypnotism in order to recall these stories….and to relive one last trip down the road with my dad.

    Often along the road, we would see turtles and my dad would say ‘Nina Sue want a turtle’ and Nina Sue would politely say No, daddy. I wanted to want a turtle because it seemed important to my dad…but ewwwwww. One day he brought a bucket along with us, scooped up a turtle and carried it back to grandmas…..I’m guessing he thought I would eventually change my mind if I saw the turtle in different habitat! EWWWW. Before we headed back to Des Moines, he released the turtle down by the road.

    Walking along the pond this morning, I had a moment of connection with my dad and a few tears..I still think ewww even though I appreciate critters and nature more and more as I age. bit most of all how I would love to hear my dad say, Nina Sue want a turtle!

    Until next time….

    Those human qualities

    It hasn’t been that long ago that I “mentally” attacked the woman who held up the line in the checkout at the grocery store counting her pennies, checking every grocery sack before she put it in the cart and then left her shopping cart sitting in the middle of the parking lot rather than walking two cars down and putting it in the corral. I mentally insulted her with my thoughts about her buying a case of diet Dr Pepper and the fact that her shirt wasn’t long enough in the back to cover her caboose.

    This event has played several times in my head since it happened because I knew I needed to think through my reaction realizing that my irritation level and my anger at this woman was blown out of proportion relative to the experience. I, now, have a pretty good idea why this triggered me …. it would have to do with my embarrassment and irritation watching my mother behave in a similar way as this woman. I loathed the way my mother treated other people with smugness and disrespect depending on how she perceived their station in life.

    I have found that the first step is recognition realizing what triggers me from my past. At this point, I really believe that when we behave badly or disrespectful whether it be in our thought process or actually follow through with hurtful, angry or self absorbed verbal comments, we are really reacting to our own insecurities which triggers behavior, perhaps, learned in our upbringing.

    Working through this scenario in my head is part of my continuing process of becoming more loving, kinder and more mentally positive in my everyday life. And these little blips of our humanity are just that….little insignificant blips.

    Until next time…

    Just a hair shy of 10 inches

    The last time I recall rain irritating me this much was a year ago April….Suzy was down for her birthday and we had to sit in the house all weekend because IT WOULDN’T STOP RAINING. We finally drove over to the Kansas side to a Greek restaurant with a belly dancer and Moscow mules…..even though I seldom drink, I had a feeling the Moscow mules would help! That was the weekend before a spring trip to Bennett Spring which had received even more rain so we had to cancel because the campground was flooded and I was irritable!

    I’m struggling with positive personal affirmations today as I sit at the table surrounded by gloomy skies that look like more rain…we are out of the drought because of the nearly 10 inches of rain that fell in a couple days. I think this calls for some positive affirmations…quietly sending them out into the universe….

    • We needed a good bath to wash the slimy, ugliness that has permeated the news.
    • Our grounds and streams and plants and trees will thrive with the moisture
    • I lift up those struggling with wet basements and houses and businesses under water
      When the clouds part, I know the sun will feel warmer, brighter and bigger; I know how this works….
  • While I’ve been writing this, it has started misting again. I realize I need to take some action and make an effort to control something I have the illusion I can control….like the cats!
  • Until next time…
  • When the apple just isn’t quite ripe…

    I am pretty confident that there is something in my subconscious I’m supposed to be grasping this week. During my morning silence sitting at the kitchen table with my IPad, my phone, my coffee cup and my cat I glance out the door when I see movement, i realize that basically I SEE the same picture each time but my unfocused thoughts seem to be thrown into a box…..like Jameson’s toy box.

    I notice the older couple with their white poodle every morning walking by on the walking trail and wonder if I would recognize if they stopped walking by. I think it would be more like…hmmmm…haven’t seen them walk by for awhile….wonder if they are okay…when was the last time I saw them…..

    Before retirement, I was busy all of the time. I realize now that I was living life on the surface and did not spend any amount of time listening to myself….going inside in peace and quiet to figure out what I REALLY thought about things. I probably let my intuition guide me but I wasn’t aware that it was my intuition….I just thought I had a rapid fire brain that would guide my thoughts while on the fly.

    It seems that now I’m listening to myself, I think things through, I seldom make decisions impulsively and I live a reasonably peaceful life until someone else stirs the air around me. That’s where this nagging subconscious air is stirring. What am I supposed to be hearing….I am unsettled….I’m doing and I’ve done a lot of personal searching to find this contentment but I feel I’m starting to realize I need to be doing something for humanity. I guess I will have to keep listening….it will float it and nudge me when it lands on my shoulder.

    Until next time…..