That fear and control aspect

Of our disfunction

We fear so we think if we can control everything around us or within us then we will be safe.

Control is an illusion. Learning to let go of my illusion of control, has been a many decade endeavor. I, seriously, believed that once I understood that there is really nothing I can control that the rest would be gravy, so to speak. I really didn’t understand that driving element of fear pressure cooking inside me. I don’t blame my parents or society for my fear but I do question the circumstances surrounding that knowing of where they came from…these depression age people who lived through knowing about the atrocities that can happen if you don’t fight for and protect yourself…just look at what happened to the Jews. The generation grew up fearing scarcity. Perhaps they survived with an oath of never again.

I know this mentality leaked out…as a child, I caught the drips and drifts of the fear cloud that hung over the 50’s and 60’s. There was often something to be afraid of. Keep your head down, don’t brag and fear other people that are not like you!

The gravel road to understanding and healing myself led me to the spiritual inner voice within…not out there…a very simple concept in reality of who we really are but not an overnight fix by any means. It’s all inside me…the answer is right here….not out there…there’s nothing outside there that I need to control….there is nothing out there controlling me.

Namaste

The water line is receding

And as I told a girlfriend…the fluid is receding… like I need to make a mark to check the progress not like I look in the mirror and say Whoooo I look like myself again. I didn’t post a picture yesterday because I did not appear to have a neck. It was like a balloon tied with a knot on each end. While at one point I looked at it with disgust, I finally came to terms with the bodies ability to heal….I witness this quite often with little bumps as I bash into immovable objects with my body like an out of control freight train.

It’s really a miracle that my skin was cut open, an organ I was born with was removed, I was glued back together and my body takes care of the rest. #gratitude

Until next time….