I was recently on the receiving end of tears…I wasn’t really sure why I was crying but I knew I was triggered because something needed to be healed. I started writing things down and found myself here..at the blog space. There are sadness tears that fall, say, funeral tears or just extreme loss and sadness tears. Those tears don’t seem to need anyone to “control” them. I just need to hold a space for them until they dry up.
There are anger tears. Anger tears seem to have a purpose for me. I think of them more as rage tears. Rage Tears deserve their honor in a place of respect, cleansing and healing. I welcome rage tears because they protect me from myself…its really hard to keep a volatile situation volatile when one person is crying and not contributing to the dark energy.
Sometimes there are those incredible laughter tears…for me, those are usually accompanied by the inability to breath and sore stomach muscles because it is just that funny.
And there are love tears…empathy tears, I have such deep feeling tears. Those tears may start and end abruptly or they may lead to a softening which often leads me to music and a feeling of gratitude.
The embarrassment of crying in front of someone has it’s home in your ego…your small self…the fear that you will appear weak, emotional, any of the society’s stereotypical label. Crying is not a girl thing, women’s work, unstable, not masculine…crying means you are strong. Not feeling embarrassment about tears means you are a warrior! I am strong and I am sensitive and I know how to love!
I grew up with a “hurt” mother…she spent 53 years mentally hurting me. After several therapy sessions and a lifetime of turmoil and guilt about how I felt about my mother, someone told me that hurt people hurt others. 4 little words that gave me profound understanding. I worked 30 years as a 911 dispatcher…it’s ironic that the skills I learned to deal with my mother aided me in being a compassionate and caring dispatcher. MOST OF THE TIME. It also fed my cynical nature that people are just shit! Seriously! In spite of frequent verbal abuse, I learned how to take it and be firm but also kind.
These experiences taught me from childhood to retirement that people treat you better when you are kind. Better being an operative word. There are a lot of angry and “hurt” people out there. Many would not define themselves as hurt…they are just tired of perceived shit. So they are angry at everyone else and I’m sure many of them haven’t the slightest idea that they need to go into themselves and find out where it all comes from…all of the pain, years of being slighted, years of never being good enough, perhaps years of physical or mental abuse.
I have found that when I am around “hurt” people, it does no good to repay anger with anger. It is much easier to just remove myself physically and mentally and be kind. I used to think just being kind when being treated badly just caused me to be a doormat for others to wipe their feet on. I realize that is only the case if I get caught up in the mistreatment and allow it to continue. If I walk away AND release the negative emotion I’m feeling, I will not become an angry and cynical being. We can always be kind.
Until next time….
In my spiritual journey, I find there are so many topics, themes, opinions, beliefs that are universal among new thought books/authors, teachers and gurus. As I have drilled down on these topics, I have found that this stuff makes total sense as opposed to the fundamental beliefs of the preachers, teachers, opinionated male dominant hierarchy teachings that have been used to control the multitudes for thousands of years. The bottom line is that we…as in everything on this planet…are connected. Each human being is connected as one and is reliant on all of nature to keep the balance. Everything is connected.
All of our angst, feelings of superiority, insecurity and hate…everything that isn’t love…is fear. And fear comes from that little voice in our head that is constantly talking to us…we can call that little voice…the ego. All of our fear thoughts originate from stories we tell ourselves. I’m ugly, I don’t fit in because I have a big nose, I don’t like someone because they looked at me a certain way…on and on and on. These stories we tell ourselves are not the result of what someone has DONE to us but actually is that “something” buried deep within us. So we revolt. Often, those things about ourselves that we recognize and “don’t like” are exactly the behaviors in someone else that causes us to be locked and loaded when triggered into an angry response and behavior. A simple example…the friend who thinks they will be safe from everything by having rules for everything….built in protection…if I can control it with rules, it can’t hurt me. If this friends behavior crosses your invisible line of acceptance of your rules and he/she irritates you, is it because you have very fixed rules for the perception of safety and you are triggered. The friend that doesn’t wear makeup….do you judge her because you are insecure about the way you look and never leave the house unless embellished? Is she wrong or do you need to examine the insecurity within yourself that she triggers? In general we judge or dislike someone who brings out the insecurities we are hiding.
The illusion of the need to protect ourselves comes from a long history of experiences in our life that may have hurt our feelings, damage us physically/mentally and made us feel unsafe or not good enough. We attached emotion to those “things” and initiated protection alerts for our hearts. It all seems so complicated but is actually very simple. If it is not love based, it is fear based and we have the capacity to change the way we think.
It hasn’t been that long ago that I “mentally” attacked the woman who held up the line in the checkout at the grocery store counting her pennies, checking every grocery sack before she put it in the cart and then left her shopping cart sitting in the middle of the parking lot rather than walking two cars down and putting it in the corral. I mentally insulted her with my thoughts about her buying a case of diet Dr Pepper and the fact that her shirt wasn’t long enough in the back to cover her caboose.
This event has played several times in my head since it happened because I knew I needed to think through my reaction realizing that my irritation level and my anger at this woman was blown out of proportion relative to the experience. I, now, have a pretty good idea why this triggered me …. it would have to do with my embarrassment and irritation watching my mother behave in a similar way as this woman. I loathed the way my mother treated other people with smugness and disrespect depending on how she perceived their station in life.
I have found that the first step is recognition realizing what triggers me from my past. At this point, I really believe that when we behave badly or disrespectful whether it be in our thought process or actually follow through with hurtful, angry or self absorbed verbal comments, we are really reacting to our own insecurities which triggers behavior, perhaps, learned in our upbringing.
Working through this scenario in my head is part of my continuing process of becoming more loving, kinder and more mentally positive in my everyday life. And these little blips of our humanity are just that….little insignificant blips.
Until next time…
Life lessons are just like peeling an onion, those of us who have finally grown up realize that …. to put it nicely….we just don’t have tolerance anymore. The drama and other people’s bad manners is just not appealing and crowds the emotions and patience inside our heads. I didn’t invent this theory, I’ve heard it over and over. “I just can’t deal with BS anymore”.
My childhood job was as referee for my parents relationship as one and then the other would come to me each bitching about the other. As a child, I realized my parents didn’t like each other very much and I didn’t think I could stand not having both of them living in the house so I spent copious amounts of childhood energy trying to make everything better. I am very good at it! I also learned that kindness was equivalent to a fireman’s hose on a house fire so I learned to be a good girl and shove my emotions down and not let them manifest in anger. I knew what anger felt like and sounded like.
I’m now 61 years old and I’m finally recognizing and peeling that onion of anger in my gut one layer at a time. I’ve learned coping skills for the depression and anxiety that fueled my life and now, now I’m taking on the anger. I’m finding that I have to work through each layer with internal questions…why does this make me angry, what actually is happening when I’m feeling angry, how do I appropriately deal with this anger and then take action to work through it….things past and present must be quieted either by speaking up or cutting off the offending hand.
….as soon as I worked through this plan of action, I felt lighter. My first challenge is to no longer consider myself a victim. I have choices.
Until next time….
While on my meditative walk tonight, I realized that occasionally ….like tonight….I feel like I’m wearing some type of invisible armor. It’s not like I physically don this armor or perhaps more like bubble wrap…it’s just there. I feel safe, I like being with me.
I have 10 years of ninasusan blogs and many pages of less articulate screaming-in-my-head saved in my own personal diary…pages in spiral notebooks and on my computer….i was always attempting to find a reason why I felt like a victim all of the time …. why I was damaged…..why I couldn’t get my shit together and stop the angry voice! Searching, searching!
I THINK that only a handful of people in my life knew of my angst and hatefulness. I THINK I presented myself as confident, sane and loving. We never, ever know what hardships and heartaches our friends may be going through.
But the fact of the matter is this: if we are wallowing in our own self pity and not liking who we are deep down in our soul…our private stash of pain, it takes the DESIRE and self reflection to sort it out and seek the answers. No one is going to be able to fix me other than me. I heard so many times that you have to love yourself before you can love others…I always thought that sounded trite. I related it to loving the way I look…the societal view of outer physical beauty and I knew I would never get there. What I believe it really means is loving what is deep down there inside…what others can’t see….or they do see from our actions and words…we just don’t know they can see it.
One step at a time…casting out the demons…the envious, judgemental thoughts that we feel about others which manifests by the way we treat people mentally and verbally.
It’s a process….always a work in progress…listening to those people closest to us that have the guts to tell us the truth then listening to the dialogue in our head and then one day at a time…rephrasing that dialogue.
My thoughts about me tonight. I’m doing the work…the walk is uphill most of the time…but the occasional downhill peace of mind is love and inner peace.
Until next time….
My blog…my story….my opinions.
I had my fill of dominant, aggressive, insecure men today……and the soft spoken preacher-like man who invaded my space to point to my heart and asked me if I could feel my heart beating…that was God speaking directly to me that he is connected on and on and on.
The over bloated bully who showed up with his side kick (who only grunted because he was devouring a mcdonalds breakfast sandwich)….informed me that I didn’t have enough stuff to sell to call it a garage sale…bad mouthed an old croquet set I had from Menards and passed over 3 boxes of ceramic tile spouting, “I suppose these are Menards too”. After looking at our reccumbent bikes with a Sneer, he asked me how much for them…I said 250 apiece…he said do you have change for a 10. I’m very upset with myself as I write this that I let it go on and on and didn’t order him off of MY F’ING PROPERTY.
The soft spoken preacher leach. Why did I let him go on and on and on. He wasn’t buying…he was spouting his religion to a sucker that didn’t tell him I wasn’t interested in hearing his BS!
My heart went out to the old man that said he was going to garage sales because his wife is a computer game addict…playing Words with Friends….he had to be home by 10 because he was afraid she would lose track of time and miss her doctors appointment again?!
I totally enjoyed the women…the groups of women….the elderly sisters who watched out for each other and told each other they didn’t need it. The elderly woman that weighed no more than 100 pounds with a pale complection that was so grateful when I helped her carrying things to her car.
….and my favorite….the second generation Mexican woman in America…we started out talking about Chiefs football and ended up talking about immigration….illegals …. and her family who came to America for a better life…worked for their citizenship…and became successful Mexican Americans….she had no affection or sympathy for illegals who sneak in to America and have to hide because they will not participate in the process of becoming legal. She had some valid points.
Garage sale Day 2 tomorrow….
Until next time,,,,
I woke up peacefully this morning. I slept with the drapes over the open deck door wide open last night and the view overwhelmed me with contentment……I allowed myself the luxury of laying in bed drifting in and out of light dozing and soaking in the love and friendship of the girls weekend in Des Moines.
As fall weather starts the slow creep with cool overnight temperatures, I hope to wake each morning feeling love and peace and remove myself from the pain that seeps in during the day from the news of what is happening in our country. because I can’t physically do anything about the ugliness all around me, I will endeavor to combine my peacefulness and love collectively with other loving souls and send it quietly out into the universe. This will be a challenge to close myself off to the negative I allow to be fed to me. But, I will try.
Until next time…..
Are we just harming ourselves? I’m not sure yet if I believe in the karma theory but I know in the past from my mental flapping, I’ve entertained lots of negative hopes for those who have been on the other side of my personal battle line. It is starting to sink in that you are what you think…in other words…negative attitudes and gossip or bad mouthing others is nothing more than a show of your own personal insecurity. Continually trying to drag someone else down with your words and attempting to incite YOUR jealousies in others really only feeds your own negative agenda. ESpecially if your opponent is wearing the shield of love and their own personal acceptance and self love. It’s unflattering and harmful only to the person doing the bashing!
We have no control over how we were treated and loved or not loved as children. We have no control over how other people treat us. But we do have total control how we receive the information and more importantly our reaction to negativity. After a conversation with a friend today AND my own personal experience, I’m convinced sometimes we must just cut ties with those people who hurt us with their words, actions and intentions. As a people pleaser, it is often hard to stop the cycle of trying to force people to love us and respect us. For the most part, these relationships bring us pain, sadness and personal retreat in order to save ourselves! These relationships are not worth the angst experienced in your mind and in your heart!
Until next time….
Some people are just angry….and we encounter them everyday. Some people wouldn’t show anger if you set their hair on fire…..they would forgive you….or so it seems. Some people, which I believe are the majority fall right in the center…these people are forgiving but given the correct amount of flame can explode…even to the point of irrational anger. As a lifelong armchair psychologist, I’m fascinated with what makes people tick….and generally I make a human evaluation when I encounter someone who fits on either end of the arc, I wonder if they are happy and peaceful and satisfied with their life or are they screaming in their head on a daily basis? DO folks who live their lives red hot not understand there are ways to cool their emotions, perhaps the idea of self discovery and self evaluation never enters their mind….perhaps they are just who they are and have no desire to change. Maybe there was a particular time in their early life where they faced cruelty or violence and/or perhaps they could just have a mental health diagnosis.
……and with a lighter touch. There are people who have a free spirit…their life interaction with others manifests in peace and acceptance and tend to be positive and loving. Others have a deep groove of personal insecurity and must degrade and negatively bash others to make themselves feel secure. Do these personality types inwardly reflect and understand the hateful thread that ties their thoughts and life together?
Until next time…..