MATH IS HARD….but so is life….

It seems I may have dumped a lot of something in my dream state last night…I woke up recognizing a clarity I have not had for the last few weeks…it’s not like I haven’t realized where my irritation, anger, judgement, hopelessness, and fear were percolating from…but, quite frankly, the more I rationalized and gave my thoughts a safe place to “think” the more miserable I was….and I knew it…I knew what was going on.

I don’t know if Albert Einstein actually said this but this life changing phrase was shared from someone’s consciousness and I am grateful!

A few years ago, I took a wild kinda route to changing my experience. I packed up and moved from everything I had ever known. I recognized I was circling the drain physically, mentally and spiritually a few years ago….and I also knew that if I continued struggling my way to air every single day…trying to make the same thinking work in a different way, I would succumb to becoming a lonely bitter old woman with negative, joyless and angry thought patterns just like my mother taught me. My breaking the glass to escape moment was not easy but I believe it was much easier than daily doing and thinking the same hateful, destructive thoughts. Fear of doing nothing finally became the worst possible life scenario.

If we are strong enough to get outside our head and breathe where we are planted….that does seem like the most comfortable route…but often that is not possible. The knowing is within…the solution is there and We know what the solution is….but the remedy of kicking away the blocks, of changing from the inside out can be daunting….until you know in that second that there really are no rules except of our own making and those rules manifest from fear that keeps us locked in and locked down.


Making the bed…the enlightened way…

I washed sheets today.

The whole “chore” of washing sheets (it’s not like I had to use a washboard in the stream) and remaking the bed became a mindful experience for me. Instead of focusing on the facts associated with this chore, I was shockingly finished and walking out of the room without thinking “why am I the only one who knows how to wash sheets in this house”. This takes nothing away from all of the things He does on a daily basis…it’s merely an historical triggered reaction.

Right after I rejected the common habit of yelling down and asking him to help me so I don’t have to walk around the bed myself 4 times, I recognized that this was another facet of the poor-me trigger I had learned so well. The good news is while putting the pillow cases on, I realized that I really did have a valid reason for not making my bed everyday because seriously, how does the bed go about breathing and airing out when covered with sheets, blankets and comforter all day. You are welcome…you may use it!

As I was walking around the bed on an unexpected trip (making it 6 times) to measure the distance of the top sheet to the bottom of the mattress on each side, I realized that every time we make the bed together, he gives me a reading of the sheet level to the mattress on his side…and, of course, this irritates me. Because it is an historical triggered reaction to those times when we slept in a small bed with smaller sheets and every time someone turned over, it could mean one person lost the sheet. As the victim in my own story, it was always me!

So, I share this insight as encouragement for bed makers out there to use the experience as a calming, counseling session with yourself. Finding gratitude in the mundane daily activities….even making the bed…..CAN be a spiritually enlightening experience……



In my spiritual journey, I find there are so many topics, themes, opinions, beliefs that are universal among new thought books/authors, teachers and gurus. As I have drilled down on these topics, I have found that this stuff makes total sense as opposed to the fundamental beliefs of the preachers, teachers, opinionated male dominant hierarchy teachings that have been used to control the multitudes for thousands of years. The bottom line is that we…as in everything on this planet…are connected. Each human being is connected as one and is reliant on all of nature to keep the balance. Everything is connected.

All of our angst, feelings of superiority, insecurity and hate…everything that isn’t love…is fear. And fear comes from that little voice in our head that is constantly talking to us…we can call that little voice…the ego. All of our fear thoughts originate from stories we tell ourselves. I’m ugly, I don’t fit in because I have a big nose, I don’t like someone because they looked at me a certain way…on and on and on. These stories we tell ourselves are not the result of what someone has DONE to us but actually is that “something” buried deep within us. So we revolt. Often, those things about ourselves that we recognize and “don’t like” are exactly the behaviors in someone else that causes us to be locked and loaded when triggered into an angry response and behavior. A simple example…the friend who thinks they will be safe from everything by having rules for everything….built in protection…if I can control it with rules, it can’t hurt me. If this friends behavior crosses your invisible line of acceptance of your rules and he/she irritates you, is it because you have very fixed rules for the perception of safety and you are triggered. The friend that doesn’t wear makeup….do you judge her because you are insecure about the way you look and never leave the house unless embellished? Is she wrong or do you need to examine the insecurity within yourself that she triggers? In general we judge or dislike someone who brings out the insecurities we are hiding.

The illusion of the need to protect ourselves comes from a long history of experiences in our life that may have hurt our feelings, damage us physically/mentally and made us feel unsafe or not good enough. We attached emotion to those “things” and initiated protection alerts for our hearts. It all seems so complicated but is actually very simple. If it is not love based, it is fear based and we have the capacity to change the way we think.


Random Sunday Morning

I’ve been all over the board since I was a teenager in my spiritual/religious life.  My volley on the right was being a believer in the scriptures as taught by the Grandview Park Baptist Church in Des Moines as a child and as taught by the Rising Sun Church of Christ as a teenager then on to Bible College – the best year of my life.  I tried to live the scriptures, gave a lot of lip service to the good and evil…as an adult, enmeshed myself in the Christian Church in Newton for several years…listened to both sides of the God argument, read, read, read.

What I found to be true for me was spiritualness.  I have problems with the bible.  I’m just going to put it out there…Today, at this moment, I do not believe that it is the inspired words of God.  More like I think it was written by some folks in order to control the masses, control women and inspired by fear.  Perhaps as an explanation of things they didn’t understand. A rule book?….compiled a few centuries later by a catholic leader.

There are far too many things going on in my head and in the universe for me to discount religion as a whole. There will be no blanket statements here…I refuse to criticize one “religion” over another and not opposed, at this point, to believing in a higher power.

I read an article this morning that President Jimmy Carter has left the southern baptist congregation.  Jimmy Carter’s article makes total sense to me!  I respect Jimmy Carter!

When we visited Ecuador several years ago, I was depressed about the deplorable conditions in which some people lived.  My experience was mainly along the coast…the fishing villages…when I said this out loud, my x-friend, Christa said that I shouldn’t feel sorry for them…this is their life…this is what they know.  I call bull shit on that one…It was a happy little way for her to justify.  It did, immediately, make me feel better about the difference in my social existence and theirs.  Once again, I call BS.  I think that it is just nice  way to say that one group of people is better than another group of people…so just let them be and live in their squalor.  After all, they don’t know any better….BS.  Hasn’t this chapter been written  over and over in several books?l

Wow…glad to get that out…it has been bugging me for awhile.

Huffington Post comedy posted a video of David Letterman coming out of retirement as a guest on a Steve Martin and what’s his name show in Texas.  He had another top ten list…this one about Donald Trump.  Wow.  It was great to see Dave being Dave again.

I have no compassion for ants!

Until next time…..