How they made me feel

I had one of those moments this morning…I liken it to a sparkling dust of wisdom falling from the sky and gently landing on my shoulder. It’s those ah ha moments that gently ring your bell of recognition and it feels like….like….a thunder shirt for a dog. It was just ANOTHER small glimpse of a moment that I’ve been able to see through the peep hole of who I am.

Quite a while ago I seized on the Maya Angelou quote, At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them feel.

Jeff Foster, in the book Deepest Acceptance touched on removing the story you have told yourself about difficult people in your life and see them without your story, without your pain or whatever emotion you have attached to them. See them new and fresh…see them just as they are. I immediately looked in the corner and saw my memory image of my mother as just a person I did not know. I really looked at her…I understood the lesson.

…..and then this morning the little poof of sparkle. Yes, in fact, we can love everyone as human beings…as ourselves….even those folks that make themselves hard to love by their behavior…..I have to remove the story I tell myself about them…good or bad….by knowing how they made me feel. It is often nearly impossible to forget the event, to forget what they said, to forget how they literally crumbled your heart or your self esteem. The reason is the emotion I attached to them how they made me feel. I may not remember the story just right…I may not remember exactly what was said…I may not even remember why I can’t stand them…but I’m always attached to them by emotion…by the way they made me feels. Releasing the emotion may not be easy, but realizing that this is my story, my emotion, my path gives me ownership. I am seriously tired of all of the angst balled up in my chest because of my perceptions of past transgressions but I have the choice to close the door and not rent space to them in my head from this moment on.

Until next time….

The 10 year cycles of my discontent#####

I stepped on the scales this morning and my head nearly burst…I’m finally within 1.2 pounds of losing 60 pounds.  My morning ritual of crawling back into bed with my IPAD and catching up with everyone’s happenings over night was interrupted with trying to remember where I was in my life when i weighed what I weigh this morning.  Some in my life would say OMG you don’t need to analyze this…but as Dr Phil says…the best way to understand the future is to look at the past.  A little paraphrasing there.

Its kind of disarming to realize that I can look at my past – and I’m talking about the last 35 years of my past – to realize that I can, in fact, remember to a pretty accurate degree what I weighed at certain points in my life….decades in my life.  Creeping up and down in my child bearing years of the 1980’s.  A 50 pound weight loss in the early 90’s  A continuing upward shot after my dad died in 2001 with the help of antidepressants – a 90 pound gain until 2011 where I once again dropped 50 pounds then back up 50 pounds until March of this year.  I have determined that I’m actually pretty good at gaining weight and dropping weight…but this is where the cycle has to stop.  I’m chock full of reasons I gained and lost weight.  All of them have to do with emotions!!  What I’m hoping is that knowledge is power.

I’m not the same person I was in February of 2014 – Sometimes when I’m in the top of my day, I will turn to him and say,  I’m so happy!  The weight doesn’t figure in to those times – or if they do, I’m not thinking about it.  Its my emotional circumstances which have given me piece.  I’m literally in a different place.  The day I retired, I discarded that life and moved away from that life, the stress, the angst, the hate…the discontent.  With this new start, I realized that I wanted to live… I want to be healthy, I want to be happy and with the anonymity, I have had the chance to cleanse and start over.  I’m confident it saved my life.

Until next time….