I used to joke (ok…not really a joke) that the best way to eat chocolate (like those chocolate stars that used to be available in movie theaters but now may be bought in bulk from a buy-your-stuff-in-bulk-store) was to stuff my mouth full of that melty chocolate until it began to seep out of the corners. I now believe that this theory…while I still believe it to be true…was really just an analogy of the way I lived my life.
Everything was either really good or really bad and I did not have much desire to just float along. I either had to go full throttle to love it/fix it or ruminate. I either really liked someone or something and enveloped my whole being in that comfort or really disliked it/them and then was disappointed when life didn’t play out the way I could accept.
But with age, therapy and embracing spirituality rather than organized religion, I’m realizing that my years of angst had everything to do with my expectations and the stories in my head. Those stories on replay…those stories queued to play my favorite tune when I needed justification for my opinions or behavior. Once I had the “discipline” to stop, drop and roll, I loosened my grip on my need for black and white, hate and love, yes and no.
With every breath we have the ability to change the way we think. We don’t need to breathe in the very same air we just exhaled. We are not preprogrammed to pass or fail depending on what “happened to us” the last time we tried. Changing the way we think changes our life. It’s not how someone reacts to us, it is how we react to our own thinking.
It’s a daily habit….I don’t see it as a good habit…but one I don’t anticipate giving up in the near future…Facebook scrolling. One time I seriously analyzed why “I” am addicted to this particular social media more than the others. Oh, I have accounts with several of the others but they seem to be an “if I think about it” or “if I’m particularly bored” place I go. But Facebook…Facebook is my connection to out there. My friends are my beloveds right after my family and my cats (who are literally IN MY FACE) most of the time. I cherish my beloved friends….and for the most part, if we could be and are not (no longer) friends on Facebook there is a reason.
Usually I observe, love, smile or frown, and swipe but every now and then a Facebook meme will get me….yesterday it was this one…I cannot remember one that filled me with so much energy…so much YA! At first I felt it as an OMG what next in 2020…then I felt it as POWER….Here we come and everything is going to be ok!
How we feel about and see anything is our choice. We either follow the herd or wander away. We either get taken in with the noise or we find our peace in the quiet. We either love or we fear. It’s all completely our choice!
I was recently on the receiving end of tears…I wasn’t really sure why I was crying but I knew I was triggered because something needed to be healed. I started writing things down and found myself here..at the blog space. There are sadness tears that fall, say, funeral tears or just extreme loss and sadness tears. Those tears don’t seem to need anyone to “control” them. I just need to hold a space for them until they dry up.
There are anger tears. Anger tears seem to have a purpose for me. I think of them more as rage tears. Rage Tears deserve their honor in a place of respect, cleansing and healing. I welcome rage tears because they protect me from myself…its really hard to keep a volatile situation volatile when one person is crying and not contributing to the dark energy.
Sometimes there are those incredible laughter tears…for me, those are usually accompanied by the inability to breath and sore stomach muscles because it is just that funny.
And there are love tears…empathy tears, I have such deep feeling tears. Those tears may start and end abruptly or they may lead to a softening which often leads me to music and a feeling of gratitude.
The embarrassment of crying in front of someone has it’s home in your ego…your small self…the fear that you will appear weak, emotional, any of the society’s stereotypical label. Crying is not a girl thing, women’s work, unstable, not masculine…crying means you are strong. Not feeling embarrassment about tears means you are a warrior! I am strong and I am sensitive and I know how to love!
I’ve always been confused because I feel intimidated and embarrassed when I recognize those tears of emotion bubbling up. Its a societal taboo … a very unhealthy teaching learned at an early age..DON’T BE A CRY BABY. I believe that in my situation, I learned not to cry in front of a parent who was not always stable so I would appear strong. I thought I needed to appear fearless.
I read a very helpful opinion from The Tiny Buddha this morning. Here’s the article
It is exactly what I needed to read at the moment. Funny how that happens.
What I am learning so many decades later is when emotions are avoided, the feelings don’t go away but are just saved in a box somewhere in the soul. Each time we avoid feeling the feels, the contents of the box continue to grow until it bursts apart and we feel like we are falling apart. Often the reaction manifests as anger..blowing up…head blowing open…words are said…feelings are hurt…there is guilt..into the guilt box goes that emotion.
What I’m learning is to feel the emotion. When my nose starts to tingle and I feel the liquid love in my eyes, I’m allowing myself to take that moment… I need to take this call of emotion right now. I don’t want it go to voicemail because eventually that box will be full. I will feel overwhelmed which will bring on another emotion that I will stuff in yet another overflowing box.
Just feel when its time to feel. We were delivered with this emotional release…for most of us, it is the very first emotional explosion that followed our entry into this lifetime.
I had one of those moments this morning…I liken it to a sparkling dust of wisdom falling from the sky and gently landing on my shoulder. It’s those ah ha moments that gently ring your bell of recognition and it feels like….like….a thunder shirt for a dog. It was just ANOTHER small glimpse of a moment that I’ve been able to see through the peep hole of who I am.
Quite a while ago I seized on the Maya Angelou quote, At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, but they will remember how you made them feel.
Jeff Foster, in the book Deepest Acceptance touched on removing the story you have told yourself about difficult people in your life and see them without your story, without your pain or whatever emotion you have attached to them. See them new and fresh…see them just as they are. I immediately looked in the corner and saw my memory image of my mother as just a person I did not know. I really looked at her…I understood the lesson.
…..and then this morning the little poof of sparkle. Yes, in fact, we can love everyone as human beings…as ourselves….even those folks that make themselves hard to love by their behavior…..I have to remove the story I tell myself about them…good or bad….by knowing how they made me feel. It is often nearly impossible to forget the event, to forget what they said, to forget how they literally crumbled your heart or your self esteem. The reason is the emotion I attached to them how they made me feel. I may not remember the story just right…I may not remember exactly what was said…I may not even remember why I can’t stand them…but I’m always attached to them by emotion…by the way they made me feels. Releasing the emotion may not be easy, but realizing that this is my story, my emotion, my path gives me ownership. I am seriously tired of all of the angst balled up in my chest because of my perceptions of past transgressions but I have the choice to close the door and not rent space to them in my head from this moment on.
I stepped on the scales this morning and my head nearly burst…I’m finally within 1.2 pounds of losing 60 pounds. My morning ritual of crawling back into bed with my IPAD and catching up with everyone’s happenings over night was interrupted with trying to remember where I was in my life when i weighed what I weigh this morning. Some in my life would say OMG you don’t need to analyze this…but as Dr Phil says…the best way to understand the future is to look at the past. A little paraphrasing there.
Its kind of disarming to realize that I can look at my past – and I’m talking about the last 35 years of my past – to realize that I can, in fact, remember to a pretty accurate degree what I weighed at certain points in my life….decades in my life. Creeping up and down in my child bearing years of the 1980’s. A 50 pound weight loss in the early 90’s A continuing upward shot after my dad died in 2001 with the help of antidepressants – a 90 pound gain until 2011 where I once again dropped 50 pounds then back up 50 pounds until March of this year. I have determined that I’m actually pretty good at gaining weight and dropping weight…but this is where the cycle has to stop. I’m chock full of reasons I gained and lost weight. All of them have to do with emotions!! What I’m hoping is that knowledge is power.
I’m not the same person I was in February of 2014 – Sometimes when I’m in the top of my day, I will turn to him and say, I’m so happy! The weight doesn’t figure in to those times – or if they do, I’m not thinking about it. Its my emotional circumstances which have given me piece. I’m literally in a different place. The day I retired, I discarded that life and moved away from that life, the stress, the angst, the hate…the discontent. With this new start, I realized that I wanted to live… I want to be healthy, I want to be happy and with the anonymity, I have had the chance to cleanse and start over. I’m confident it saved my life.