Under the auspices of God

Or what ever deity you think you are representing, this is a short, yet direct rant to those who take cover under the umbrella of Christian for your bigoted, nasty, painful, critical, hateful beliefs.

For the most part, I question you even attend an organization of formal “religion”,  have any idea whatsoever the teachings of the Bible you hold up as a sword or say your prayers before each meal let alone lift up in supplication the needs, pain or love for anyone or anything.

I’ve recently read statements, blogs and Facebook posts from people I know and people I don’t know who use the Christian label to define themselves that have absolutely blown me away.  Negative, downright nasty, bigoted, cruel comments have been put out there from electrified fingers on a keyboard.  These are not the teachings of Jesus who you exhault as your spiritual leader and in his name.  These are the rhetorical bombastic remarks from someone who really only worships self.

There is a huge gap between political conservative-liberal differences and the hateful dialogue spewing from your heart in the name of the God you use as a cloak for your hate.

That’s it!

If you disagree with me or take offense at these words, tell someone that cares…not me.  I don’t care what you think.

Once is usually Enough for me

I’ve been having difficulty finding a book that holds my interest.  I like a book that grabs me at the first sentence…yet when this happens, it means that I can’t wait to find out what happens in the end…so halfway through I read ahead to find out what happens and then spend the rest of the story regretting that decision.  This is probably the reason I have never read the same book twice.  The closest I’ve come is Leon Uris, Exodus or maybe the Thornbirds…

I also can count on maybe two fingers the number of times I’ve watched a movie after reading the book.  I think it has to do with my personality and my displeasure with boredom in general.  The other obstacle is I cannot read/absorb violence or just generally when bad things happen to people that causes pain and/or agony.  So in today’s genre of movies and literature, My options are very limited.

There are 4 movies I have watched multiple times Ice storm, obviously Dirty Dancing, Jennifer Beals and her double in Flashdance and my annual Ellen Burstyn/Alan Alda Same Time Next Year.  Oh and the Sound of Music because of the music, julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer and the music.  Interestingly, I recently watched a Christopher Plummer Movie a few nights ago which was pretty good.
And this little look into my brain is finished and inserted in Dear Diary……it’s time for some CHIEFS football.

Until next time…..

The new gadget I’ve found

This hose changed my life!  

All of the years I lived in Iowa, Mothers Day in May was the beginning of spring for flower planting.  4 hours south in Missouri, I begin mid April.  With my first flower purchase of the year, I feel love and contentment.  It’s a renewal!  I find great pleasure dragging pots out of the garage, packing potting soil under my fingernails and spreading out the beauty on every flat surface I can find.  I’m never disappointed with the amazing color display that surrounds me on the deck early summer.  Then the hot summer starts frying the beauties even though they are protected much of the day under the leaf canopy…..and I have to start hauling water out of the house in a watering can and old ice tea plastic containers…refill after refill after refill….because the damn hose won’t reach from the side of the house to the deck.  This irritates me.  Then I found this cloth expandable hose on Amazon.  It is a very small hose ….. until I hook it to the regular hose and WOW it expands to 25 feet so I can reach every flower from one end of the deck to the other.  RECOMMEND!

I’ve always been partial to petunias…as long as they are dead headed, the color display is amazing…until you miss a few days of care


I’ve never been partial to germanium…but they are hearty and don’t disappoint.

For the last two years, I’ve been sheltering pots of these in the basement during winter.


This year I planted 3 of them in this old wash tub and they look amazingly lush.  For some reason these volunteer, obviously hardy petunias lasted?

And then my pride and joy….the potted plant the Baxter Fire and EMS sent me when I retired in 2014.  I stress out every winter when it starts dropping leaves but as soon as I get it outside it rejuvenates and is more beautiful than ever!


And now we move on…I’m starting the anticipation for Christmas lights.

Until next time….

Control is an illusion….

Free will to make decisions, yes…actually being in control….no, not really.

I am a recovering control freak!  I’ve spent many years making firm decisions, manipulating situations and other people so that things could or would be done “correctly”.  There are few people that I willingly allowed dominance over me and usually this was accomplished by fellow manipulators….or perhaps I should include those who held a superior roll in my life…like bosses or parents.  I usually figured it out eventually.  When I look back on it, I don’t really regret my weaknesses because I learned the lessons and eventually recognized the signs.

Back in the day when I would adjust the TV Guides and remotes on the coffee table several times a day, become angry when things were not done the way I thought they should be done, I started realizing that this wasn’t about the TV Guide, etc at all.  It was actually a power move to have control over things I thought I COULD control….and these were very insignificant things when viewing the big picture.

I now see control as an illusion in order to protect ourselves.  My Kidney cancer diagnosis was one of those face slaps that brought reality to the forefront.  Bad things happen, relationships cease to function and sometimes….it’s just a fact….life does not always work out they way we demand and/or plan.  We have our hopes and dreams but the bottom line we must just react on a daily basis to life.  I’m finding that life is so much easier and peaceful when I don’t have carved in stone expectations of others or situations.  We don’t really control anything, we make wrong and right decisions based on the facts we are given.  Control freaks are difficult people and speaking from experience, I don’t think they are generally happy people…we are afraid of the unknown and I think we cause ourselves more grief when we are unwilling to just “roll with it”!

Until next time….

Developing invisible armor

While on my meditative walk tonight, I realized that occasionally ….like tonight….I feel like I’m wearing some type of invisible armor.  It’s not like I physically don this armor or perhaps more like bubble wrap…it’s just there.  I feel safe, I like being with me.

I have 10 years of ninasusan blogs and many pages of less articulate screaming-in-my-head saved in my own personal diary…pages in spiral notebooks and on my computer….i was always attempting to find a reason why I felt like a victim all of the time …. why I was damaged…..why I couldn’t get my shit together and stop the angry voice!  Searching, searching!

I THINK that only a handful of people in my life knew of my angst and hatefulness.  I THINK I presented myself as confident, sane and loving.  We never, ever know what hardships and heartaches our friends may be going through.

But the fact of the matter is this:  if we are wallowing in our own self pity and not liking who we are deep down in our soul…our private stash of pain, it takes the DESIRE and self reflection to sort it out and seek the answers.  No one is going to be able to fix me other than me.  I heard so many times that you have to love yourself before you can love others…I always thought that sounded trite. I related it to loving the way I look…the societal view of outer physical beauty and I knew I would never get there.  What I believe it really means is loving what is deep down there inside…what others can’t see….or they do see from our actions and words…we just don’t know they can see it.

One step at a time…casting out the demons…the envious, judgemental thoughts that we feel about others which manifests by the way we treat people mentally and verbally.

It’s a process….always a work in progress…listening to those people closest to us that have the guts to tell us the truth then listening to the dialogue in our head and then one day at a time…rephrasing that dialogue.

My thoughts about me tonight.  I’m doing the work…the walk is uphill most of the time…but the occasional downhill peace of mind is love and inner peace.

Until next time….

I feel like an over achiever

I exceeded my Fitbit step goal today….and made my stairs goal.  First time in a very long time.  I have gone through periods in my life that I felt compelled to walk…before fitbit or the other convenient electronics…I had to plan out my route by driving the route to figure out what kind of mileage I would be putting in.  We lived in the country and I walked gravel roads…3.5 miles if I was feeling lazy and 4 miles if I was energized.  At the time, I had a love hate relationship with gravel roads…I ate a lot of dust from passing cars and trucks, I cursed a lot of cars and trucks who made no attempt to slow down when passing a walker, I never felt safe listening to music on my “Walkman” “MP3 player” as loud as I wanted to….but walking on country roads was the time for me to think without distractions.  I loved the evening walks when I would come upon a hollow (a small valley for you city folk) and the temperature would drop and it would just smell different.  Evening with the sun going down always felt and smelled different than walking under a blazing sun.   I stopped walking for some reason.  life changed.  Not good or bad…just changed…I lost my groove.

When we moved to Missouri, I started walking again…not 4 miles but at least a mile and sometimes 2.  Its different walking in a neighborhood….more distractions, more people.  I am not a social walker.  I prefer to walk alone and I prefer not having to fake friendliness with the neighbors.  I just wanted to walk….and then I lost my groove again.  

Today, I felt like walking.  I was diagnosed a couple weeks ago with some “iron poor tired blood” ……in case you remember the phrase from geritol commercials.  The doctor has me taking a significant amount of daily iron to build me back up.  When I took Frannie on her late night walk, I realized that I wanted to walk me too…we walked down to the end of the street tonight instead of just 3 houses down.  Maybe I didn’t really just lose my groove…maybe I was just running my iron tank too low.  I have hope!

Until next time….

Not my first but probably my last…

My blog…my story….my opinions.

I had my fill of dominant, aggressive, insecure men today……and the soft spoken preacher-like man who invaded my space to point to my heart and asked me if I could feel my heart beating…that was God speaking directly to me that he is connected on and on and on.  

The over bloated bully who showed up with his side kick (who only grunted because he was devouring a mcdonalds breakfast sandwich)….informed me that I didn’t have enough stuff to sell to call it a garage sale…bad mouthed an old croquet set I had from Menards and passed over 3 boxes of ceramic tile spouting, “I suppose these are Menards too”.  After looking at our reccumbent bikes with a Sneer,  he asked me how much for them…I said 250 apiece…he said do you have change for a 10.  I’m very upset with myself as I write this that I let it go on and on and didn’t order him off of MY F’ING PROPERTY.

The soft spoken preacher leach.  Why did I let him go on and on and on.  He wasn’t buying…he was spouting his religion to a sucker that didn’t tell him I wasn’t interested in hearing his BS!

My heart went out to the old man that said he was going to garage sales because his wife is a computer game addict…playing Words with Friends….he had to be home by 10 because he was afraid she would lose track of time and miss her doctors appointment again?!

I totally enjoyed the women…the groups of women….the elderly sisters who watched out for each other and told each other they didn’t need it.  The elderly woman that weighed no more than 100 pounds with a pale complection that was so grateful when I helped her carrying things to her car.

….and my favorite….the second generation Mexican woman in America…we started out talking about Chiefs football and ended up talking about immigration….illegals …. and her family who came to America for a better life…worked for their citizenship…and became successful Mexican Americans….she had no affection or sympathy for illegals who sneak in to America and have to hide because they will not participate in the process of becoming legal.  She had some valid points.

Garage sale Day 2 tomorrow….

Until next time,,,,

I feel like I got an A on a mid term paper

He and the neighbors had a little mishap on the lake today with the small sailboat we recently sold them.  Actually a couple mishaps…everyone is fine physically.  Suffice to say we put peroxide in his ears tonight in an attempt to kill bacteria from the lake water.   

I had the boys today and Jaxon wanted to see Papa on the sailboat so I loaded them in the car and we drove over to the lake….just in time to see it coming out of the water on the trailer with the 3 of them dripping.  I didn’t mentally freak out.  when Robbien gave me a brief rundown of their 2 hour adventure, I did a cursory glance of everyone and I genuinely felt very calm.  On the way home I didn’t do any catastrophic thinking…I didn’t think about how they (he) could have been injured, what if he had died, any of my typical OMG OMG anxiety thoughts.  This is big!  This is very big!

It happened…everyone is fine…I’m glad I wasn’t with them…move on!

Good Night, Dear Diary.

Until next time….

Save it for retirement

How many thoughts, beliefs habits do we learn from our parents without even realizing it.  In those 18 years of breathing the same air as those who gave birth to us, we learn values, beliefs and habits.  Sometimes as adults, we realize the error of those ways or, unfortunately, we may just continue to do what we have been taught…right or wrong…and never break destructive cycles.  Other times I think something clicks and we realize that we need to alter the way we think so we set upon a road of  discovery….perhaps in our own minds we do this to save the next generation or more likely we just make changes because the learned habit or behavior just does not feel right.

…..and then sometimes something just sticks….like my dad’s mantra…I’m saving it for retirement.  Good clothes, boots, plans and dreams.  i.e. Dad was given an allowance by his employer for new boots every year….he bought boots….but he put them away for retirement and continued wearing his old boots.  Unfortunately when he passed, we cleaned out several pairs of unworn boots.  I learned from my mother to put your “good” clothes in the back of the closet so they are there when you need them and wear your faded clothes with stains around the house everyday so you don’t have to worry about ruining them.

I made inroads yesterday accompanied by an eye roll.  I needed to take food for a Labor Day gathering.  I pulled out the picnic basket (which I’ve had for many years…perhaps a wedding gift 38 years ago 🙄) and some hot pads I bought 20 years ago on a couple trips to Charleston, SC.  Yep.  they are in perfect condition because to keep them nice, I’ve used towels and cardboard boxes for food transport.


I realized yesterday….how silly this habit is and that I’m probably not normal…blame my parents!

Until next time….

Kayaking

I came home from my weekend with the girls in Des Moines with a sinus infection.  I had a routine doc appointment on Monday and she sent me home with antibiotics.  They really just kicked in today…”first day without a headache.

We went kayak shopping yesterday and finished up our 38th anniversary with dinner at Lone Star.  He got his sirloin and I got their incredible Parmesan crusted chicken.

This morning we hit the road for Pleasant Hill Lake…about 3 miles from our house.  Beautiful Day with a light breeze.


Singles…much, much easier than the tandem kayak we shared in Minnesota in July 🤗

Just for the record, my left forearm is so weak I don’t know how I’m going to lift coffee to my lips.

Until next time….