Let’s see…what kept me awake last night…

  • Oak mites….their rally hum…calls from Oak Trees in the area….come here, come here we have an excellent victim to drop down on.  Only the fearless need apply…lots of body to cover  and she’s a sweller…our hard work is wonderfully visible.
  • Storms and heavy rain passing through.  Dog that is afraid of thunder for the first time in her life.  I blame this years new neighbors who set off firecrackers over and over again during fireworks season in Missouri.  Next door activity is much more disturbing than in the distance.  Quite frankly, I haven’t recovered yet either.
  • Periodic phone calls from Cass County Emergency Management for weather related warnings.  Necessary, but beside our bed at night we each have 3 instruments that ring…the phone, IPAD and watches…I could compare it to a full ensemble brass band!
  • This years drift of young salesman going through the area selling themselves and asking for donations to assist them in their endeavor to share the word of God.  The Iowa/Missouri Youth Alive organization .  Tonight ours knocked lightly on the door at twilight.  While he answered the door, I was off to the bedroom to fetch and load the gun.  Perhaps as a result of our careers in the law enforcement community, we trust no one!  And I question why anyone would think it was a good idea to knock on strangers doors at nightfall.  While I was up for all of the other reasons, I was googling guns.  I need a different woman friendly, smaller grip gun!  Especially since I heard the oak mite relatives are coming for me.

Until next time…

The trip

I had a wonderful extended weekend Minnesota camping trip with him and our niece, Christina as well as a couple visits with his brother and wife which also happens to be the Christina’s father.  Escaping the oppressive KC heat and humidity was wonderful…we couldn’t have picked better weather for a visit to Minnesota! One of the best parts of the trip was the non-stop conversation with Christina while traveling to and from.  We live in the same metro area but seldom see each other face to face…that needs to change!

…and I’m also finally able to say, yes…I’ve been kayaking.  It was one of those things that I really wanted to do but the unknown filled me with anxiety.


We rented kayaks at a conservation area about 10 minutes from our campground.  He and I ended up in a double because there were not 3 singles.  What we learned was its not like canoe paddling…different technique…and we are incapable of developing an insync rythm.  Once we made it through the reeds and into the open water, I loved it.  I’m thinking fall might be a great time to buy his and her kayaks…..

We also visited the Minnesota State Public School for dependent and neglected children museum and cemetery in Owatana, MN. – a place I won’t soon forget!



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Until next time….

Who is stealing our toilet paper….

I’m on a roll today…so to speak!

This really isn’t about diverticulitis…or fiber for that matter…but interestingly, I joined a diverticulitis group on Facebook.  If you have ever had a bout of diverticulitis, you understand why.  It was kind of amazing to me the different recommendations given by doctors to the multitudes who follow this particular group.  Eat seeds and nuts, don’t eat seeds and nuts, high fiber, low fiber, dangerous antibiotics, no antibiotics, Metamucil, never heard of Metamucil, I CANT STAND DRINKING METAMUCIL?  Seriously?  Bottom line is if you follow rules for good dietary and colon health, you can probably stave off diverticulitis.  The big problem I see is opposing and contradictory advice from doctors we depend on to dole out that advice for our particular problem…and next, what happens when you have a weak moment and stray from the perfect, healthy diet.  Which somehow leads me to toilet paper.

I buy in bulk (no pun intended) from Amazon Prime.  These huge number of toilet paper rolls are delivered by the USPS to my door by a weary postal carrier. I had a discussion with a girlfriend one night on the merits of different brands of toilet paper as we were placing our separate orders together.  We all have our favorite brands as well as having our favorite way to use it.  i.e. Fold or crinkle.  I’m guessing she is a folder!  And I’m guessing she places the toilet paper to roll off Over rather than Under.

When the t.p. arrives, I fill the shelves (plural) above each of the toilets so they are readily available.  Because everyone can agree running out of toilet paper is one of those extremely irritating events in our life!

This morning, I opened cabinet door number 1 and there was no toilet paper 😡.  I went to cabinet number 2 and there were only 4 rolls left on the top shelf.  My first thought was WHAT THE H is he doing with all of the toilet paper?  Thought number 2…what could he be doing with the toilet paper, why am I blaming him.  THought number 3…someone must be coming in and stealing it!  Thought number 4….you really need to find something to do today to occupy your mind.

Until next time….

Just the things in my head today…

  • Selling a house in another state…getting down to the line…documents, documents, documents…but it is all possible to do on-line!  Documents sent via email, documents returned via email or fax, documents notarized, documents sent for over night delivery with the USPS.  While I was bitching in my head about the inconvenience this morning, I was, at the same time, marveling at how much easier life is with technology.
  • Lunch yesterday with a couple of friends.  One is 2 years younger…one is 4 years older.  Had me resetting the realty checkpoint.  There is no normal.
  • Retirement and vanity.  Toward the end of my career, I had gained a significant amount of weight.  I sat in a chair for 8 hours a day in a restricted area.  Fashion did not even cross my mind.  My clothes and I were clean.  Now that I’m retired and spend several days at a time at home, fashion does not even cross my mind.  As I was dressing this morning in my 5 year old Lands End capris and at least 5 year old Lands End T shirt two sizes too big, I wondered what happened?  I’m totally content with messed hair and no makeup.  The takeaway here may be that Lands End makes clothes that stand the test of time.
  • While standing number 2 in a line of 7 other people,’this morning, I fumed at the inconsiderate woman who made it to the counter totally unprepared –  talking to the clerk about the last time she sent something…she wanted the same thing this time…as the smiling USPS worker held up envelope and receipt one after the other trying to figure out what she was talking about….then once it was established, woman then had to fill out to: and from:  address on her envelope.  Whatever happened to courtesy and awareness that 8 other people were behind her?
  • It’s so bloody hot!

Until next time…..

Our own House of Cards

We started our Season 4 binge watching of House of Cards last night.  Because it had been so long, we watched the finale of Season 3 so we could possibly remember who the characters are, were and anticipate what they will do 🙂

I’ve visited DC several times – I think 6 but I could be off one.  I really love the atmosphere, the power, the history and the vibes in DC.  Sadly, very sadly, while watching House of Cards, I thought – okay…it’s been about 9 years, I’m ready to go again…and then that overwhelming sadness in the pit of my stomach as I remembered Trump and his group of thugs were in the White House and it isn’t my Washington, DC anymore.

We were there during the Bush, Jr presidency and while I thought he had only the brains that would fit into a thimble, I still respected him AS President while disagreeing with  a lot of his decisions.

It’s totally different with the Trump White House.  I feel genuine fear for my safety and the safety of all of my patriots!

It’s a very sad time in America.

Until next time…..

Wow.  2015 really did suck

Sitting on the couch this Saturday morning with him….each of us glued to our IPADS….I’m shocked that the clock just chimed 12 times.  I’ve done my twitter feed, followed up googling some political BS, thought about our day yesterday, smiling about the absolute love and total exhaustion taking our 4 year old grandson to his first county fair.  Then I went to FB and read my ON THIS DAY feed which included on this day a year ago I was 1 year post kidney cancer surgery.  Then I read this excerpt from a blog I posted on this day 2015.

It’s a bittersweet day though as he and I are about to lose our senior cat, Billy aka Bill Clinton. In December of 2007, I finally wore him down and he agreed that I could adopt a cat. Billy and I connected – although at the time, the ARL had named him Mouser. He was beautiful and sweet and gentle. His welcome to our home involved me getting out of the car carrying him in his cat carrier – he took quite a tumble as I slipped on the ice and he was air born. Through his life with us, he accepted 3 dogs and 4 other cats…but he was always the main man! Earlier this year, we had several mast cell tumors removed from his body and learned that the cancer would be back. He’s lost a lot of weight but kept his personality until the last couple of days. He’s not eating – not even sneaking people food. He walks away from his beloved cheese. We have seen the light go out of his eyes. We are just waiting now. I stayed up with him for awhile last night just willing him to stop breathing so we don’t have to have him euthanized. *tear. If you have ever loved an animal, you understand the pain. So.

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Combine that with his November 2015 heart attack and subsequent triple bypass.  I’ve decided that for the most part 2015 was a wash…the most traumatic year I’ve lived through.

But, except for Billy, we did live through it.  In the last two years, I’ve learned insight, peacefulness, compassion and gratitude which Will make me stronger for my next life test.

Until next time….

I had dreams of long hair in a bun….

I cannot speak for all women – but I speak for a lot of us.  We go to the hair salon pretty confident that the picture we saw in the magazine, on line, on Jane Doe at the mall is just exactly what we want for our hair.  I think most women have honestly had that shoot through their mind even if they didn’t follow through with it.  I don’t think this happens to men…My opinion… and feel free to correct me is men go to the hair salon or more likely the barber because their hair needs to be cut.  Period.

Now that my son-in-law cuts my hair in his salon, I have those moments at family events where I mentally think – damn – I wish I would have taken some time with my hair today…and the second thought I snicker and think, I’m guessing on a day like today he’s not wishing I had a business card to hand out saying – Hey Look, my hair stylist owns Evolve Hair, KC.  Also, sometimes it is very difficult not to see him at family events and talk to him about my hair…what do you think about this cut…do you think I need more purple highlights…what am I doing wrong with my bangs.  But I seldom speak these things out loud because he’s not my stylist then, he’s my son in law.

I decided a few months ago that I was going to go natural white and grow my hair out because I so much wanted to have long hair to put on top of my head in a bun or pulled back in a pony tail.  He laughed….and he helped me begin the process.  I got this far.

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When I got in the chair today, he asked what we are doing today.  I told him we are cutting it off.  Because he knows I’m probably going to change my mind he gave me some ideas to trim it up without taking ALL of that length off.  I showed him a picture and said…lets do something like this.

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and so we did.  my hair is still white.  I’m pretty confident *eyerolling that isn’t going to change but I had to tell him that he was right – I need to keep my hair short…and he just laughed.

….and in case you are thinking how lucky I am to have a son-in-law who does hair…you would be soooo right!

Until next time….

Just going with it….

I thought Retirement was going to be like coming to a screeching halt.  On the day you finally walk out the door the sun will shine, the birds will sing and iron partitions will be between you and the mental chaos.  Well, it was almost like that.  In all of my years of dreaming of being free, I did not even consider the possibility that we would drive home, load up the rest of our lifetime belongings along with 2 dogs and 5 cats and leave everything that we have ever known.  I also did not expect cancer and heart attacks and all of the daily complications  of this new lifestyle in this new place.  But, the truth is moving to a different state, a new house and everything that goes along with organizing a new lifestyle was very exciting…I craved the anonymity, the unknown and the silence.

Enter the occasional loneliness and boredom once daily life starts happening.  But with it comes the peace of listening…the quiet thoughts from your soul are able to be heard….your intuitions…that deep part of you can day dream.  This week I have had an unusual NEED to listen to certain music…it’s like an addiction.  I wake up with the songs playing in my head and I eventually grab the headphones and go under the spell.  I feel like I should know why I’m being led down this path.  I realized tonight that this music comforts me and perhaps the right answer is I need to quit searching for the answer and just go with it.  Find peace in the comfort.  Things will be revealed if I just relax and listen.

Until next time…..

The analogy of tears….

I was sharing some on-line information with him today (a texting thread with a family member along with You Tube videos).  I know why the subject matter had me emotional…it was the mixture of things that are close to my heart, the realization of the depth of my love and the empathy touched with the You tube video.  I was mildly embarrassed for myself because I could not control the tears that rolled down my cheeks.  I don’t understand why tears sometimes cause embarrassment.  I think that tears are as much of an emotional reaction as laughter that hurts the gut.

There are sadness tears that fall, say, funeral tears or just extreme loss and sadness tears.  I have no control over those tears medicated or unmedicated.  Once the dam breaks, I just have to see them through until they stop.

There are anger tears, for me, I have had several occasions where my reaction to extreme rage is tears.  I’ve always looked at those as safety tears.  Safety for the other person because it is my release and helps me resist personal violence.  Ya.  I’m talking about royally pissed off angry?

Sometimes there are those incredible laughter tears…for me, those are usually accompanied by the inability to breath and sore stomach muscles because it is just that funny.

And there are those tears like I had this morning.  Love tears?  Empathy tears?  Celebrating that I am alive and have deep feeling tears.

As I over analyzed this question, I think that I think these tears cause embarrassment because the observer feels sorry for me.  Thinks there is something wrong that they need to help heal or comfort.  Especially observers who do not understand their own emotions,

So my advice is for goodness sakes…cry your eyes out…sometimes it is just the energy release you may need.

Until next time….

Obscessive or passionate?

Or just freedom of copious amounts of undelegated time and responsibility that comes with retirement?

I don’t remember a time when music that I like or music that I love didn’t have a positive influence on my inner well being.  Music that I don’t like can have me circling the drain in a few bars…bars of  music…not in a bar.

Good concerts with great acoustics will have me playing a game in my head that I could find tickets, drive overnight to the next venue just so I can experience it all over again. i.e. after the Doobie/Chicago concert last month.  Last night I put on my headphones and listened to a loop of Heart music and had a compulsive thought .. I was going to find a heart concert for the weekend, if I could get tickets, distances was no obstacle.  Fortunately for HIM, the Heart web site showed no concerts listed.

So I moved on.  My headphone concert took me to the Osmond Brothers.  You Tube has afforded me the opportunity to gratify my need to watch the Osmond Brothers obscessively.  Haters….just remember, they are from my generation.  They fascinate me.  their relationships, their harmony, their endurance.  I’ve never been a Donny heartthrob fan…just the older ones.  These old men in suits with great harmony and perfect choreographed dancing makes my heart happy.  I love them more now that they are old.  So happy that I watched interviews with them until 3AM and went to bed with a heavy heart.  Finding out that this Mormon family of 9 did not have great childhoods and were forced into being the Osmonds by a strong father made me very sad….and now my compassion overflows!  

I woke up this morning feeling energized.  Thinking about the activities and projects I’m passionate about…perhaps a little obscessively? I need to saddle and bridle my passion  to accomplish something.  I need to have focus and do what I’m passionate about rather than just sitting around waiting for something to entice it into action.  Time she is a wasting!

Until next time……