Just seems like a strange thing to feel in light of past Christmases when actually serious things have happened. Interestingly, I haven’t had my one wrenching Christmas cry this year, rather it has been chopped up between a range of emotions that have made the tears slip from my eyes from pure utter delight to all encompassing rage. I was actually sitting on the floor earlier in the week and thought…oh holy crap…maybe I’m just old and it has caught up to me? Then, I’m really not THAT old.
Fast forward to this morning, when I broke down looking at historical pictures of a shopping mall in the town I lived in for 35 years that had closed down in 1994 and the tears started flowing. This is not normal.
…..and then it hit me. This is the first holiday season in 16 years that I haven’t had anti-depressants numbing me. I’m feeling usual holiday cheer with just a little more delight, I’m feeling nostalgic now in my heart rather than just my head, my sorrow of the absence of past friends and family has hurt me in little bursts rather than all at once producing that sobbing Christmas cry.
I don’t know how or why this realization has given me peace of mind but Understanding seems to have made it reasonable and doable.
Until next time……
Ninasusan 
Sounds like you’re doing good off anti-depressants. And grief is really normal. I was once looking at a book about the history of Lansing. I saw this incredibly beautiful mansion designed by Darius Moon, a major Lansing architect from the late 1800s and early 1900s. It was owned by R. E. Olds, the founder of Oldsmobile. It was ornate and exquisite. What happened to it? Wait for it… They paved paradise and, literally, put up a parking lot. I actually cried when I read that. I believe our culture values distractions because they keep us from noticing everything we are losing every single day. Grief can be overwhelming.
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It feels better knowing there are people like me and also knowing others are feeling the same things I am!
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I am sorry. I am happy that you are feeling all the feelings this year, but sorry some of them cause you pain. I wish you nothing but joy in your wonderful world that you are building for yourself. You deserve it.
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I’m happy for you for figuring that out. Makes sense that it would make you feel better about it all.
I love Christmas and everything about it. But I still break down one way or another at least 3 times a season. Guess we’re in between the so busy with little kids there’s no time to think and so old we’re just glad we’re still alive for one more holiday. 😀
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