Tired of being the stable rock…have quite a few past regrets…found it remarkable in a recent facebook get-to-know you test, nearly all of my friends answered yes when asked…would you want to go back in the future.  NO, Holy mother of God, NO.  No if it would be the same as it is now….if I could change some things – well, maybe..

I just recently had a major ah ha moment about abandonment…”he” actually came up with it…for years from childhood to adult and motherhood, my dad talked about leaving my mother…of course he always told me about it because he obviously had no one else to talk to about it.  Of course, Helen, has no recollection of any bad times in her marriage…I’m imagining things.  Phil and I have figured out that I was so desperate not to lose my father that it was marked on my emotional baggage like a cheap tattoo…this is the reason why I don’t handle friends moving in and out of my life so easy…especially the ones who move out of my geographical area…this is not even mentioning the devastation that absent family has on me or had on me.  I recently realized that the crazy, irrational BS that Helen surrounded me with for all of these years…surrounded is probably not actually the word…saddled…has truly screwed me up and I really would like to use the F word to enhance how much she screwed me up but I’ll leave it at screwed….now, I realize that if you love something you will let it go to be happy…you will let them make decisions that are best for their life…they must be allowed to follow their dream and to do what is right for them…I must let them have the freedom, love, encouragement and little push that I so desperately wanted and needed back then.  Things would be different now.  But you can’t go back.  For me, it’s time to break the cycle.  I’m doing it with my kids and I”m feeling damn good about it.  Time for me to move on…or for Phil and I to move on and not be held back by our fears or what we should do…should is could that wouldn’t step out of the comfort zone.  There is only up from here…upward and onward…

Until next time….